Commonly Used Church Terms And Their Meanings
Anointing: Used to describe any non-regular emotion (crying in the middle of a song when you forget the words, telling the church off (particularly when its over tithes and offering), doing the Olympic shout around the church
Trick of the Enemy: Used to describe anything that happens because you didn't do what you were supposed to, like your car getting repossessed cause you didn't pay the note, lights getting shut off cause you quit work to go on tour with the pastors choir, or your child repeating the first grade cause he missed the whole second semester to go on a 90 day/90 night fasting and consecration.
Rhema Word: Any message from an out-of-town pastor or evangelist.
Prophetic Word: Same message from that out-of-town pastor, delivered 5 decibels louder, while the congregation is standing. Quiet organ music optional, but works better with silence.
Carnal: Used to describe a saint who goes to the movies. This term doesn't apply if you rent the same movie from Blockbuster.
Didn't God Move: What saints say after a long service where the pastor doesn't preach and they just shout the whole service.
Unlock Your Blessing: What preachers say after they've finished preaching, and they say you must give $50 to "unlock your blessing". For a more dramatic effect, this offering can be started at $1,000 and worked down to $25.
He'll Do It If You Let Him (followed by inaudible tongues): Round one of shouting will begin in 5 minutes. Organist get ready.
We Got To Move On: What the preacher says when he wants shout time to start up again. Organist, turn up the volume on the Leslie.
We Have Time for One More Testimony: Not really, we're just waiting on the pastor to come into service. If you're called on during this one, when you hear clapping, just stop talking, cause the pastor has walked in and people are no longer interested in what God did for you.
We Can Never Pay for the Word: Get your checkbook out, the auction will begin momentarily! This phrase always comes before the offering is taken for the guest speaker.
Didn't Our Hearts Burn: I don't know who started this one, but it sounds pretty silly. Not sure if you should reach for the Bible or Tums.
I'm Praying for Household Salvation: My whole family refuses to go to church with me, cause I'm always saying "pastor said, pastor said, pastor said..."
God Has Been Dealing with Me on Some Issues: I'm still doing what I was doing before I got saved, only now I just put in an extra $5 in my offering when I do it.
That Clap would do for me, But I said give GOD some praise!: Spoken by a vain praise and worship leader who really does want you to clap for them.
Is He Worthy?: Of course He is; why ask a question like that.
Let us go to God in our own way: This is what you say when they ask you to pray in church and you don't know what to say.
God don't need a whole lot of people, where two or three are gathered... : Classic statement by a minister with 6 members.
Get Ready, Get Ready Get Ready!!!: Don't really know what this one means, but if you're not careful, a shout could break out when you say it. It must be said three times to have real impact.
I can't get no help: Preachers say this when no one says amen in the spot they thought would get a lot of amens.
I'm Blessed and Highly Favored: Said when a fellow saint asks "how are you?" Memo to saints: you CAN be saved and answer "fine" when someone asks how are you.
Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty: Whenever you want to disrupt service and holler out when it's quiet, use this statement to justify your behavior.
Get ready to go to the next level: This means the church will be hosting another revival in a few months.
We didn't come here for form or fashion: Spoken by someone who thinks they are the sharpest dressed person in the pulpit.
I feel a shift in my spirit: I've just changed my mind; now Simon says do this...
Stand to your feet: This gives the illusion that the preacher is finished, but be prepared to stand up for at least 1/2 hour. May be cut to 15 minutes if the organist starts playing softly.
Give God a Shabach: Scream to the top of your lungs. Some church members may blow whistles and wave flags as well.
Every head bowed, every eye closed: Quick! everyone look around to see who's getting saved again this week.
Secular: Any person, place, object or event that's not under your church organization.
I mean Jesus all the way: Good. Now start acting like it.
The "Yes Lord" song: Signals the official end to shout time. Anyone still shouting when this song is over is considered to be "in self".
In Self: Used to describe someone who acts alone in church. For example,someone who is shouting alone. Add two more people to this display and its called....
In The Spirit: When three people are doing the same thing in a church service at the same time.
Spirit of Confusion: When everyone is tired of those three people and another bunch of folks start doing something else. For example, three people shouting, and another three people start singing.
Demonic Spirit: Add a tongue-talker and a prophecy to the above act (all at the same time), and the preacher declares a demonic spirit.
Cast the Devil Out: The preacher is tired of this fiasco, and wants all of the above players to sit down.
All things must be done in decency and in order: Closing speech after casting the devil out. Everyone has crossed the line and must sit out two services before participating again.
Prayer partner: Phone buddy. 5 minutes of prayer, 1 hour of church gossiping.
