Dealing with the judgement

You are not inadequate.
They are judgemental and paranoid.

The first and best advice I can give a mother is "trust your own instincts".

stacii said:

Does anyone else notice that there are a lot of very judgmental moms out there? I went to a new play group for my son with some of my friends' friends and I just felt like they were scrutinizing everything I did. I fed my kid too much, didn't give him enough juice, his hair was messy and (gasp) my baby wipes are SCENTED! It really depressed me and made me feel inadequate.

I just think it's hard enough to raise kids these days and that judgmental attitude makes it even worse. Why isn't okay anymore to just do things differently? My kid is as happy and healthy as all of theirs are!

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Did you feel like they were thinking that, or did they actually say that? Maybe you just thought they were thinking that but instead they were thinking "I wish I had remembered to pack a snack and wow what great baby wipes."

Im Sorry To Hear That. I Don't Really Get It Alot From Other Moms, I Get It Alot From My Step Mom, Sisters, And Mom. Which Is Harder. I Would Rather Get It From A Stranger Lol. Guess Its Acutally Hard No Matter Where It Comes From. Sorry You Feel Judged, Its Unfair I Know.

I think the issue you mention goes beyond the realm of moms....there are a lot of overly judgmental people out there. Judgment in and of itself is not a bad thing, being overly judgmental and pushing your opinions on others (not being tolerant of differences) is where the issue lies. And our society seems to produce overly judgmental and insensitive people with ease.

Word, MsDahl. I think you hit the nail on the head. It's okay for people to have their opinions and to even be actively passionate about them, but it's not okay to make them personal or force (either directly or by peer pressure) those views on someone else.

I definitely found myself in a similar situation. The competition thing "mines doing this, mines doing that, I wouldn't do this, I wouldn't do that" which I found very insensitive because they knew my child was special needs and couldn't do those things yet. You would think it would be better at the special needs play groups, but no, it was the reverse of "mine can't do this, mines worse then yours because..." I came to conclude that many parents, in general, have been disempowered and some of them in order to get some of their power back they turn to tactics that aren't so nice to make themselves feel better.

It's a self-esteem issue, I wouldn't take it on to yourself. But obviously it is having an effect on you and draining some of your empowerment and energy so I would suggest replies to such comments to be ones like "that's nice" or "cool" - comments that aren't rude, acknowledge their right to do that with their own children, but at the same time subtly dismiss they're right to push it onto you.

Scented baby wipes!!! * I use them all the time. lol. Don't worry about it. I get it from some guy at work all the time who has no kids about giving my 19 month old oreos for a snack and feeding him chicken and green beans for dinner. I'm like what am I supposed to feed him! Baby food? Some people just judge to be mean.

Athaliamum said:

Word, MsDahl. I think you hit the nail on the head. It's okay for people to have their opinions and to even be actively passionate about them, but it's not okay to make them personal or force (either directly or by peer pressure) those views on someone else.

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hehe Thanks for the enthusiastic post of agreeement

To add on to my original reply, since we have absolutely no power in changing others but we do have the power to change ourselves, I welcome such challenges in my life as a way to grow more secure with who I am in Christ and that includes choices I make as a parent. I've also learned to change my perception of such situations....I remind myself what Paul said about his thorn and I try to rejoice when I am confronted with my thorns as an opportunity for God to refine my character. I've since grown so strongly in my self image as a mother and it is thanks to all those that criticised me, challenged me, questioned me and/or downright disapproved of me.

They sound rude so I'd go to another playgroup. Said goodbye to a group like that once, in fact.

Many parents will make themselves look and feel better when they can compare their child to another child.

"Oh, I don't give my child snacks" Translation: I'm a better mommy than you.

"I don't use scented baby wipes" Translation: I'm a better mommy than you.

"Your child's hair is messy" Translation: I'm a better mommy than you.

It's not so much that they care about what you do with your child, but how much better they look cause you don't do what they do. These kinda of mommies are quite toxic and smile between their teeth while making obnoxious statements.

I know it's hard to hear someone say "hey, ignore what they say", but sometimes that's just what you have to do. You know what's best for your child and if he/she are happy then forget them. Next time your friends invite you, just ask them point blank if those other mommies will be there. If they are then you can decline joining. Than again, maybe you can make some witty comebacks such as "hey, at least my child smells fresh with the wipies I use"

It's hard sometimes to ignore the comments, but you need to for your own sanity. It's going to continue for the rest of your life, in one way or another. If it's not about your kids, it'll be something else.

Right now I have someone I see on a regular basis who must be very insecure about her own parenting because she constantly is suggestiing things I do with my own kids. Remember that I have 9 kids, 26 yrs (married) and on down to 9.5 months old... and she has 3 kids, the oldest who is 12. I've been doing this a little longer than she has.... yet that doesn't stop her from telling me about every parenting book she's read and how this helped for that situation, etc. I can't get away from her because she's my boss' wife. lol

£amb;50787235 said:

Many parents will make themselves look and feel better when they can compare their child to another child.

"Oh, I don't give my child snacks" Translation: I'm a better mommy than you.

"I don't use scented baby wipes" Translation: I'm a better mommy than you.

"Your child's hair is messy" Translation: I'm a better mommy than you.

It's not so much that they care about what you do with your child, but how much better they look cause you don't do what they do. These kinda of mommies are quite toxic and smile between their teeth while making obnoxious statements.

I know it's hard to hear someone say "hey, ignore what they say", but sometimes that's just what you have to do. You know what's best for your child and if he/she are happy then forget them. Next time your friends invite you, just ask them point blank if those other mommies will be there. If they are then you can decline joining. Than again, maybe you can make some witty comebacks such as "hey, at least my child smells fresh with the wipies I use"

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That is exactally what I think. When ever someone is judging you harshly it is because they want to make themselves feel like they are a better person. It doesn't matter whether they are judging you as a mom, a christian, or a person.

moonkitty said:

That is exactally what I think. When ever someone is judging you harshly it is because they want to make themselves feel like they are a better person. It doesn't matter whether they are judging you as a mom, a christian, or a person.

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But behind that need to feel superior, there is a hurting person inside who is most likely insecure and has very little confidence in his/her choices as a person. I strive to look beyond the corner and see this aspect to the person hiding behind that corner. This has helped me tremendously in not just dealing with judgment but being able to love the overly critical person with a Christ filled love. Usually the person will either avoid me as they are uncomfortable with kindness being returned for their coals or the person stops being so critical of me.

MsDahl said:

But behind that need to feel superior, there is a hurting person inside who is most likely insecure and has very little confidence in his/her choices as a person. I strive to look beyond the corner and see this aspect to the person hiding behind that corner. This has helped me tremendously in not just dealing with judgment but being able to love the overly critical person with a Christ filled love. Usually the person will either avoid me as they are uncomfortable with kindness being returned for their coals or the person stops being so critical of me.

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Great post!!

stacii said:

Does anyone else notice that there are a lot of very judgmental moms out there? I went to a new play group for my son with some of my friends' friends and I just felt like they were scrutinizing everything I did. I fed my kid too much, didn't give him enough juice, his hair was messy and (gasp) my baby wipes are SCENTED! It really depressed me and made me feel inadequate.

I just think it's hard enough to raise kids these days and that judgmental attitude makes it even worse. Why isn't okay anymore to just do things differently? My kid is as happy and healthy as all of theirs are!

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... my favorite thought on this... and???... or better yet... so???? like you can not do it your way... Walk confidently, and they will follow you.

£amb;50787235 said:

Many parents will make themselves look and feel better when they can compare their child to another child.

"Oh, I don't give my child snacks" Translation: I'm a better mommy than you.

"I don't use scented baby wipes" Translation: I'm a better mommy than you.

"Your child's hair is messy" Translation: I'm a better mommy than you.

It's not so much that they care about what you do with your child, but how much better they look cause you don't do what they do. These kinda of mommies are quite toxic and smile between their teeth while making obnoxious statements.

I know it's hard to hear someone say "hey, ignore what they say", but sometimes that's just what you have to do. You know what's best for your child and if he/she are happy then forget them. Next time your friends invite you, just ask them point blank if those other mommies will be there. If they are then you can decline joining. Than again, maybe you can make some witty comebacks such as "hey, at least my child smells fresh with the wipies I use"

Click to expand...

I totally agree and this is what I have found over the last 7 years that I have been attending various playgroups. In fact I think it's the worst place where I have come across judgemental people and I think it's really really really sad. I can sort of understand it, since parenting is so difficult and people want to feel that they are "good at it" but to make other people feel worse is just so mean.

I have been to a playgroup like this, I thought I would stick it out for a whole term, because strangely enough while a few of the parents were really mean and awful, the kids were quite nice and they offered some great craft activities etc. In the end I did stick it out for the term but never ever went back there lol. I have more fun at the church playgroup which is just free play, no craft, no stories just free play. We do the craft and stories at home now.

Oh for the record, most of the time I go out somewhere I pack snacks and a water bottle for my daughter (we don't take juice anywhere either so don't worry that you don't take juice) most of the time the snacks I pack are things like apples (she is 3) or rice crackers so it's all basically healthy.

I also use scented wipes (or whatever brand of wipes that is cheap and does the job I want it to lol)

Oh and occasionally (especially at playgroup) my child's hair is messy. She has longish hair that is also pretty fine, so no matter what I do she has flyaways lol. She also only lets me brush it once a day (in the morning) and most of the time at playgroup she is covered in sand.

Kids are at playgroup to PLAY, they don't have to look pretty all the time. We save the fancy hair dos and fancy clothes for special outings at our house.

I remembered experiencing a lot of judgment in the beginning of my mothering journey especially because I was the oddball in those playgroups. It was a challenge that God has used to make me a better mom. I've come through the fire stronger than I could have prayed for. I decided that it would be better to have no friends than friends that criticized me.

So when I would meet a woman who wanted to get to know me further, I started being very upfront with them. I'd tell them straight up "I'm a natural parenting mother, still breastfeeding my 2.....3.... year old. I'm very opinionated and passionate about the way I mother but I'm perfectly comfortable knowing that everyone does things differently with their own kid. I come on strong and it's important that you are comfortable with that." After approaching friendships like this, I'm surrounded now by women who are very cool to spend time with and who are just as passionate and strong with their views (even though we may see things completely differently). We have the most awesome debates/discussions together and I really have grown through our friendships. Come to think of it, when I finally got tired of all the dating bull is when I met my now husband and I figured, being straight up can't hurt at this point and I laid my expectations out for him within the first month. I think he fell in love with me at that point....haha