Wife walked out

E-beth · Jan 25, 2009

I agree that lots of people in the church put emphasis on sex...mostly because they can. It's easy to point fingers when you are pretty certain you would not take part in that particular sin. Kinda like an anorexic person could easily be disgusted by gluttony. Still, sin is sin. We just forget that alot.

Why in the world would she label you as a sex addict? Because your sex drive is higher than hers? I can see how being called a sex addict would affest the marriage.

I am so glad you haven't given up on God. No earthly relationship is worth that. You do need to find yourself a new, better church, and seek God's will about your new relationship. You need to heal I 'm sure, and you'll need His help.

wpiman2 · Jan 26, 2009

rppearso said:
II was extremely depressed in my marriage and ever since she left I have been happy even though I am not doing what im suppost to. I guess that was my original question is if I should even be calling myself a christian and you answered that for me at least in your opinion. Some people get lucky and have non prudish spouces and get to call themselves christians while enjoying the same things that I now enjoy but out side of a marriage. I guess I question why God would give me such a crappy marriage and as soon as she left I was able to find what I needed fairly quickly but outside of a marriage, I so desperatly wanted my marriage to work but she did not, I guess this is just a twisted mess that I have to live with.

I am not a psychiatrist, but I did do an internship in the field and have a personal experience to match.

The fact that you were depressed (clinically? diagnosed?) and no longer are is a strong indication that the changes you have made are for the better.

When I split up with my wife, I was drinking a bit and my psychiatrist informed me that now was the time to have a little fun. I felt guilty about it: but it was just part of the phase. It made me feel better at a vulnerable time and that was important. I no longer drink every night and am in a happy relationship.

I think what you are doing is very similar. Their are certain social and religious stigmas to drinking/womanizing; but I think for the short term I would set those aside and search for happiness. I would highly recommend seeing a doctor to help guide you threw this.

As a Christian, my advice would be entirely different. Make up with your wife; and she would need do more to meet your needs. A lot of the blame clearly lies with her as well. Don't put this all on yourself.

rppearso · Jan 27, 2009

My ex is already gone, we are in the process of divorce paper work, I told her I was done with sex addict conseling and was not ever going again and if she wanted to come back before anything with someone else go to serious she could but she never did, if she came back she would have to give me what I needed and stop [wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth]ing about the little bit she did do, I did not even want to be around her because god forbid I touch her breast or ask for a BJ or especially a rim job (even though I loved to recipicate), the thing is we did all this stuff the first 2 years of the marriage and then she decieded she did not want it anymore. The woman I am with now are talking about the long term stuff like marriage and kids and such and she is absolutly awesome we both love sex every day (sometimes twice a day) and no "type" of sex is of limits (anal, [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse], swallowing, oral) in fact all of thoes things are done on a daily basis, i have brought up all my concerns with her because of my past and she said she needs me just as much as I need her, we agreed to give it a few years before we get married and live together for at least a year I know thats not the christian way but I tried doing it the christian way and got burned so common sense kicks in after that. anyways thanks for the support its nice not getting chewed out, I cant wait for the paper work and divorce to be done, its such a pain with her living out of state and she waits like a week to get back with me on anything, oh well.

wpiman2 said:
I am not a psychiatrist, but I did do an internship in the field and have a personal experience to match.

The fact that you were depressed (clinically? diagnosed?) and no longer are is a strong indication that the changes you have made are for the better.

When I split up with my wife, I was drinking a bit and my psychiatrist informed me that now was the time to have a little fun. I felt guilty about it: but it was just part of the phase. It made me feel better at a vulnerable time and that was important. I no longer drink every night and am in a happy relationship.

I think what you are doing is very similar. Their are certain social and religious stigmas to drinking/womanizing; but I think for the short term I would set those aside and search for happiness. I would highly recommend seeing a doctor to help guide you threw this.

As a Christian, my advice would be entirely different. Make up with your wife; and she would need do more to meet your needs. A lot of the blame clearly lies with her as well. Don't put this all on yourself.

wpiman2 · Jan 27, 2009

It is a healthy thing that you are getting your needs met. I hope this new one works out for you and that she doesn't loose interest like the last one.

I recommend for lay people "The Art of Seduction" for long term success. Woman have different triggers than men and this book explains them. It has received alot of bad press as being manipulative: but underneath it helps explain what people really need. It may help your new relationship not burn out like your last. You can overdo it you know.

eatenbylocusts · Feb 2, 2009

wpiman2 said:
It is a healthy thing that you are getting your needs met. I hope this new one works out for you and that she doesn't loose interest like the last one.

Being disobedient to God is not a healthy thing. Sin=death, not health. Please don't encourage someone to sin.

rppearso · Feb 3, 2009

eatenbylocusts said:
Being disobedient to God is not a healthy thing. Sin=death, not health. Please don't encourage someone to sin.

It almost seems like the church encourages suffering by being selective in what scripture they emphisize. People would not have a reason to sin if all scriptrue were treated equally and more importantly covered equally in church. Never once in all my years of church was 1 cor 7 or any of the song of soloman coverd in a main church service and these are very crutial scriptures. Most people in church are not out there sinning away out of some teenage rebellion its becasue the church is not working with them and the church discounts valid scripture and causes marriages to fail and people to stumble. Im not saying all churches do this but all the ones I have been to do, its already to late for my marriage after the church filled her head with all sorts of nonsense on top of her past issues I did not have a chance.

covenantwmn · Feb 26, 2009

HuntingMan said:
I guess youve made your choice then.
See you on the other side...

Exactly, ditto.

rppearso · Feb 26, 2009

Thats life, I guess alot of this buisness of marriage and sex hinges around the term inappropriate contenteia and what it means I have read mixed things and based on the actions and attitudes of the church I am inclined not to take there intupretation as gospel I have seen that it refers to temple prostitution and not premarital sex as the church would have you believe and even if it did why would a loving God care less about the people than the institution to keep them miserable for life I believe this is deception and not Gods way. at any rate why would the church encourage 2 people to stay together who are misserable, people come first not institutions, the institution of marraige was designed by God for the good of the people I found a really good link and book http://www.divorcehope.com/christiandivorcefacts.htm I think people in church need to seriously get there act together when it comes to sex and marriage and stop hurting people based on church dogma and taking the puritan believe structure. I tryed talking to numerous people in church before I was divorced and going through counseling and people dont take it seriously. Both myself and my ex are much happier now, but the church did a good job of making us miserable for over a year. If the church made everyone uncomfortable who had some kind of issue going on in there life no one would show up so why they choose to focus so heavily on sexual issues is beyond me, it is really a sad state of affairs, everyone puts on a smily face but when it comes down to the deep issues no one wants to hear it or talk about it they just want to default to there prudish puritan ways really sad.

rppearso · Feb 28, 2009

Yea it really sucked becasue I wanted it to work out so badly. Now I am in this limbo situation like after a huricane and I will eventually be back on track but the church should accept people in all phases of there lives not just the nice pretty parts of peoples lives with a ribbon and bow on it.

My life is but a weaving between my lord and me. I cannot choose teh colors, he works so steadily. Often times he weaves in sorrow and I in foolish pride, forget he sees the upper and I the underside. The dark threads are as needed in the weavers skillful hand, as the threads of gold and silver in the patter he has planned. Not till the loom is silent and shuttles cease to fly will God unroll the canvas and explain the reason why.

E-beth said:
I agree that lots of people in the church put emphasis on sex...mostly because they can. It's easy to point fingers when you are pretty certain you would not take part in that particular sin. Kinda like an anorexic person could easily be disgusted by gluttony. Still, sin is sin. We just forget that alot.

Why in the world would she label you as a sex addict? Because your sex drive is higher than hers? I can see how being called a sex addict would affest the marriage.

I am so glad you haven't given up on God. No earthly relationship is worth that. You do need to find yourself a new, better church, and seek God's will about your new relationship. You need to heal I 'm sure, and you'll need His help.

eatenbylocusts · Mar 6, 2009

rppearso said:
If the church made everyone uncomfortable who had some kind of issue going on in there life no one would show up so why they choose to focus so heavily on sexual issues is beyond me, it is really a sad state of affairs, everyone puts on a smily face but when it comes down to the deep issues no one wants to hear it or talk about it they just want to default to there prudish puritan ways really sad.

It is too bad your church could not help keep your marriage together, but you cannot blame the universal church for all these divorces and marriage problems. Most of the time there is sin involved with one or both partners.

ddisciple · Sep 3, 2009

Rppearso-
i can totally understand where your coming from. you get married to someone you love, and they gradually become less and less the person you love and rightly so want to have sex with.
they start making fun of your desires, and put you down for wanting sex. they will tell you that thats all your interested in, and make you feel lousy and out of place. Having a strong sexual desire isnt a bad thing, but it cannot get in the way of god.

What your ex wife was doing was wrong: 1 Corinthians 7:4 The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. (5) Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

So dont ever feel guilty for wanting sex. God instituted it as a part of marrige to be enjoyable between the married couple. only thing i can say is, dont ever let it become more important than god.

i can relate to your position in a big way, as i too have a fairly healthy desire. my wife would often tell me she wasnt into it, or was too tired or would make generally make excuses for it. this in turn left me feeling unloved, depressed, nil affection, unwanted etc. so dont feel bad for wanting something that god instituted.

My advice (coming from someone who is seperated and cant stop divorce) is to stop having sex with your g/f. abstain from it till you get yourself sorted out. get your head cleared (possibly few months) it will be hard, but you will be able to see the bigger picture more easily. if divorce is definately whats happening and you cannot stop it, then just wait till it all happens, then look into getting married before you engage into any more sexual relationships. it will be hard, and you wont want to, but all things happen for the good fo those who love the lord. let him make your cup overflow.

Jer29 · Sep 5, 2009

Rppearso, I'll be happy to share with you some of my experiences. I can empathize with you and I can also correct you. How you choose to receive it is between you and Jesus.

I was also victimized by a woman in my first marriage who did the ole bait n' switch. She was VERY affectionate and open to sex talk and heavy petting during the courting phase. She would wink and promised MANY great sexual times once she had the ring. I didn't find out until she abandoned our marriage and divorced me after 20+ years that she was a childhood sexual abuse victim ..... she and her siblings, at the hands of their father. She never told me this family secret of hers during our marriage. She literally turned off the sexual faucets as we got older and as the kids started to come along. What she did was substitute her affections towards me, to the kids. When they got older and it was obvious they were going to be leaving the nest, she grew more and more distant and unaffectionate. I know now that she was deathly afraid of having to live with me alone and finally face up to her dysfunctions. Yes, I always had a VERY high libido that I was led to believe matched hers. She basically used me to get out of the house. I was 19 and in love .... and in lust. She aggressively pursued me, at 19, and before we married. There was even a time when we agreed we were perhaps moving too fast, so we separated by mutual agreement to seek the Lord some more. She came running back to me, VERY aggressively and claiming "she heard directly from Jesus and I was the man she was to marry!!!" She even had a long letter where she purported to have written down these "words from the Lord". Years later, I knew she was deceived into thinking marriage was her "out" from her past. So, I was suckered into a 20+ year marriage with little or no affection or sex as time flew by. I completely understand the rejection and frustration you experienced. These are the things she did wrong and she was eventually willing to sacrifice our marriage on the altar of victimhood.

Now, Rppearso, here is what I did wrong. Firstly, I confused lust with love. I was too young and too infactuated. I allowed my loins to guide me instead of the Word. Secondly, I allowed her to pursue me after we had agreed to separate. BIG MISTAKE!!! I know now that it is the man's role to be the pursuer and I blundered horribly when I was suckered into her web of deceit. I have no one to blame but myself. No one. I am 100% responsible for running ahead of the Lord at that time in my young life. I will not blameshift it onto the church or my family or society. I take full accountability for it. She conquered me instead of me conquering her .... not in the controlling way the world sees, but in line with Scripture and the way the Lord has ordered things.

Prov. 18:22

He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD.

You are making a HUGE mistake in coming into the lair of this promiscuous woman. There are reasons why she is pursuing you and making herself so "available". I doubledog guarantee you she has ulterior motives. What do you REALLY know of her past?? Her character? Her motives? Her faith, if any??

I'm not going to sugarcoat your sin, sir. I will agree that the Lord doesn't categorize sin. Sin is sin! I will also agree with some posters that sexual sins have their own unique consequences and you ARE playing with fire. You cannot twist Scripture to accomodate your sin .... not with me, anyway. I'm not going to sit here and enable your sin.

Here is my advise, for what it's worth to you.

1. Separate immediately from this promicuous woman.
2. Address the spiritual issues behind your own promiscuity.
3. Get some counseling from a qualified Christian counselor .... a male.
4. Join a church with a strong men's ministry. You need accountability!
5. If she hasn't yet remarried, apologize to your ex-wife and seek reconciliation.
6. Seek to change yourself.

I'm going to let you absorb this before I share with you the good news of where I am today.

Jer29 · Sep 7, 2009

Rppearso, I don't know if you have read my testimony yet. It's been a couple of days so I will share Part II with you. I do pray you will read this with an open mind and heart.

Brother, I was on my knees before the Lord for 6 months after my ex abandoned our marriage. During that time I was broken. In the long run, it was good for me. The Lord used that time to chasten me in my wrongness and encourage me in the things I was doing right. I also submitted myself to my pastor, some Godly men I could trust, and some Godly married couples that I knew would mentor me and hold me accountable. I am convinced this willingness to sit before Jesus contributed to my quick grief recovery. I wasn't perfect, brother. Far from it! I went through the wilderness experience and finally Jesus brought me out of it.

When I felt I was ready to date again, I found I was wrong. You see, I was ready in my soulish realm (mind, will, and emotions) but I was still lacking spiritual growth. As a result, I placed myself in a few bad situations with women who were not exactly sure of what they wanted in a man. Some of them had NO business putting themselves out there as they had MANY issues to still work through. Again, the responsibility for this foolishness was mine and mine alone. They were for the most part silly women, yes, but I chose to share in that silliness. I attracted unhealthy women because I was not yet healthy.

Finally, I reached a point where I was frustrated and hurt. I decided to finally set aside MY wants and desires and focus on what Jesus wanted for me. When I made the choice to lay aside my pride, THAT was the time that Jesus began to move on my behalf.

He led me to the wonderful, most Godly woman I am married to today. She is a breath of fresh air to me. A true biblical helpmate and a Proverbs 31 woman!!! We've been married several years now. Every day with her is a joy!!! She blesses me more than any other woman I have ever known. This is a work of God! Nothing to do with me .... everything to do with Him!

Brother, I feel in my spirit .... and I do believe this is from the Holy Spirit .... that you need to seriously slow down and smell the coffee. You are operating through the flesh. I know, because I can read the signs from you. Please give serious consideration to the points I shared with you in my previous post. You are skating on thin ice, brother. It's time to stop, sit at the Lord's feet, and reevaluate where you are heading. I don't want you to make the same mistakes I did.

PM me if you need to talk .... and may the Lord guide you!

eatenbylocusts · Sep 16, 2009

Jer29 said:
Rppearso, I don't know if you have read my testimony yet. It's been a couple of days so I will share Part II with you. I do pray you will read this with an open mind and heart.

Jer-wanted to let you know that rppearso married the girl.
It is sad to see how many people are being affected by child sexual abuse, but good to hear how God has blessed your obedience.

Sandradee0303 · Oct 3, 2009

Jer, I am sorry about what your wife did to you. She has no excuse for not healing herself and hurting you because of it.

I am also a survivor of violent sexual childhood abuse that lasted over 7 years. I have always had faith in God but was not always a Godly woman. When I met my H we were both drinking and having premarital sex. HE is the one that did the bait and switch on me! After marriage (knew each other 1.5 yrs first) I found out that he was a inappropriate content addict/sex addict. Yes, a truly diagnosed one though he wasn't diagnosed at the time. He had told me right after marriage that he did not believe in inappropriate content. LOL, I have been fighting his addiction since 7 months into the marriage. He has also taken his addiction physical with another. I am the one who is now praying for the guidance of my Lord on how to forgive my husband. We are both damaged people. I know that if we can get through this we can have an awesome marriage. He just needs to become trustworthy and I need to forgive him.

Anyhoo, Just wanted to say thanks for sharing your testimony-even if it was directed at the OP.

Deliberatetourist · Jan 13, 2010

rppearso said:
1 cor 7:9 did not work out so well for me but the burning passion is not gone. Burning with sexual passion is not the same thing as drugs or alcohal, people in the church I used to go to tryed that. People in good marriages with good wives dont have to deal with it and get there needs met but im the equivalent to an alcohalic, seriously that does not make sense. I agree I need to keep on keeping on with my bible reading and not let zealots at church effect me or even some people on this forum. I have been doing alot of reading on the term "inappropriate contenteia" and its context to thoes times, you may think that endevor to be non sense but it is counter intuitive and absurd to roll sexual desire in with haroin addiction.

Church is sometimes sadly one of the worst places to seek any kind of help for these things. I am a person with a very powerful sex drive. I was ridden with guilt for years because of congregations I was in that held the same views you described. There are some people who need sex less than others and too often those people are held up as "spiritual role models" to those of us who are less tolerant of the impulses we have. I can walk into a bar, have a drink (I wouldn't because I don't like drinking and it's against my religious views for my own life) or maybe even two or more and walk out without the impulse to stay and get plastered. Not everyone can do that and it would be foolish to assume that I posses a higher form of spirituality because I am not prone to that temptation. But many chuches and theologies seem to have no problem in doing just that were sexual temptation is concerned. even though my walk with The Lord has matured greatly, I still have the same drive though now I have found an outlet for it in a wonderful marriage.

eatenbylocusts · Jan 18, 2010

Deliberatetourist said:
Church is sometimes sadly one of the worst places to seek any kind of help for these things. I am a person with a very powerful sex drive. I was ridden with guilt for years because of congregations I was in that held the same views you described. There are some people who need sex less than others and too often those people are held up as "spiritual role models" to those of us who are less tolerant of the impulses we have. I can walk into a bar, have a drink (I wouldn't because I don't like drinking and it's against my religious views for my own life) or maybe even two or more and walk out without the impulse to stay and get plastered. Not everyone can do that and it would be foolish to assume that I posses a higher form of spirituality because I am not prone to that temptation.

A person who does have the problem with wanting to get plastered after one or two drinks should stay out of bars and perhaps not even take the first or second drink. Just like a single with a normal to high sex drive should figure out some boundaries before they start dating.

Everyone has their areas of difficulties. These are the things we work out with God, not change the rules to suit ourselves.

Romanseight2005 · Mar 21, 2010

rppearso said:
eatenbylocusts said:

I guess the bottom line is when I was married the church was calling me a sex addict because my wife set up all these walls, she said she no longer wanted to do this or that and only wanted it this many times a week and I was not ok with that and thats not how it was when we got married, I became very depressed and withdrew, I still made a consious effort to do what I was suppost to but how well do you perform a task when you are sick (she basicly baited and switched on me, which is deception) among many other problems but that was a big one. When she left I decided I had enough, I want to enjoy my life and im not tolerating this crap any more, the church has 0 acountability for prudish wifes, none 0, the only time they are held accountable is if she is only putting out like once a year but if she one day decided she does not want to give BJ's anymore no accountablity. I made sure not to repeat the same mistakes with my new GF. Im not going to accept a crappy sex life, period. I think its crap that guys in church that may have a great wife who takes care of them can stand there and point the finger its total hypocracy. Im flat out tired of it

Click to expand...

Ok I am confused. Your wife did have sex with you, but she didn't want to do certain things? This may seem like a strange question, but were you, or are you into inappropriate content?

Autumnleaf · Mar 29, 2010

How you feel is understandable. It does not make you a pagan either.

Just move on with your life and be a blessing in the lives of others.

Luther073082 · Mar 30, 2010

Honestly I do think you are addicted to sex. It seems like your marriage was ruined because you where not getting as much sex as you wanted and not getting it in the ways that you wanted.

While I don't agree that she should just suddenly cut you off from something and its a marital duty to have regular sex with your spouse, I still think you are addicted.

The main reason for this is because as soon as your wife left you, you immediatly found someone else and started commiting adultry with her.

While you do hit on a problem in some churchs in that they focus too much on sex and that the focus does make some people even after they are married feel like sex is evil, I don't think you can blame the church for this.

While you might have tried it "The Christian way" before you got married, I feel like you didn't try it the Christian way after you got married. And that is what caused your problems. Not what you did before then.

Another thing I am reading in this whole thread that is catching my eye..

"Me me me me me me me me me me me me me"

Its all about your sex and your pleasure and your happiness and what you want. Now don't get me wrong, I have been in a place like this (temporarily) so I am not claiming complete innocence. Your attitude seems very familiar and it sounds a lot like my attitude when I've made the worst mistakes in my past and slid into Apostasy. Thankfully the Holy Spirit rescued me from this.

But when you are concentrated on yourself then its hard to love your wife properly and its hard to obey God.

God does not serve you or your desires. If something you want is in his will for your life, he will place it in your grasp to receive it. However he is not there to serve your desires. You are suppose to serve God.

I'm not trying to say havn't been through some tough times or that your problems are easy. I'm not saying that I've experienced said problems. But I am saying that I don't think your problems are an excuse to act the way you are.

You seem firmly in a state of Apostasy. I will pray the Holy Spirit rescues you and restores you from this state.

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