I am not looking for a ticket to commit suicide with a clear conscience, but I suffer for sever mental illness and when I do take an attempt on my own life then I am not really myself, the illness has taken over.
Call this a "spiritual discernment" on my part, but---there is a part of you that is
looking to do just that. I really believe that "suicide", as are many other things, is not an attitude, but a
spirit. Have you read Eph6:12?
"We battle not against flesh and blood, but against rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heaveny places.
And yet, you said:
"when I am at my illest I feel cut of from God and I get hung up on Evil and Satan, it makes it hard foir me to pray and sometimes I won't even let other people pray for me. "
Do you know what you're doing wrong? The BATTLE may be against evil, but the BEST way to fight, is
not to fight at all. Please read Luke 10:17-19. Got it?
"And the seventy returned with joy, saying 'Lord, even the demons are subject to us in Your name!' And Jesus said, 'I saw satan fall like lightning from Heaven; behold, I have given you authority to tread upon serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy---and NOTHING shall by any means hurt you!' " Isn't that neat, Jay? But we've missed the
point---the POINT, is in the NEXT verse, verse 20:
"Nevertheless, do not rejoice in this, that the spirits are subject to you, but rejoice instead that your names are written in Heaven.
There---that's the key. Don't fight---but, rather,
fill your heart so full of the Holy Spirit, and with Jesus, that EVIL FINDS NO PLACE!!!
"Submit therefore to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you; draw near to God and He will draw near to you!" Jms4:7-8
You sometimes feel apart from God---so do we. Even the most spirit-filled-evangelist has times of doubt. In "Celebration of Discipline", I believe Campolo calls this, "Dark Night of the Soul". But Jesus has promised
to NEVER leave NOR forsake us (Heb13:5). Never. When you feel distant from Him, it is YOU, not Him---just turn around, and seek Him. Pray. Often.
Pray like this:
1. Praise and worship---it's why we were made, He rejoices in our presence as we rejoice in His. Do you understand that? Him rejoicing in YOUR presence? Do you have
any idea how much He loves you? If He had to die, to save ONLY YOU, Jesus would have---without hesitation.
2. Thanksgiving---grattitude is the foundation of contentment and happiness. Did you eat today? Are you clothed and warm? Tell Him---He never tires of hearing "Thank You!"
3. Intercession---prayer does move God---and in bringing others to Him, we shift our focus from our natural SELVES; our love for others grows.
4. Pettition---how often this comes first---and LAST! He's not a cosmic Santa, He's our DAD! And He has promised to fill our needs. In James it says, "you have not because you ask not, or you ask WRONGLY to spend it on your passions." Don't be afraid---
ask Him for healing. But ask in faith---believe He can, BELIEVE HE WILL.
And then...
PLEASE seek out a minister who has experience in counselling, one with learning in psychology. I can counsel you to a point---but I have no degree, no psychological training. I can love you as my Christian sister---I can reach out to you and hug you when you are hurting---but I am ill-equipped to mend your heart. And it
does need mending. Take your arguing-with-your-family---what is it that is threatened within you? Why can you not just smile and say, "I don't need to argue---if you do not accept me, then that is your problem; for I am loved by God,
and it is enough." ? This is something to speak with an experienced counselor. Surely you can call some churches and ask them, and get referrals. Don't be afraid to ask about his experience and schooling.
Suicide is permanent, Jay. You know what? Someday you ARE going to die---each of us is. (UNLESS we live 'til Jesus returns---a distinct possibility!) Once you have GONE, then so many tomorrows will pass by without you. I want you to think about tomorrow---the joys you have growing close to God. Imagine what you will feel when you stand glistening in your white gown as a man pledges his love to you---and you say, "I DO". Imagine the first stirrings of life within you as you realize that a baby is created in your womb---imagine hearing his sound, smelling that "new-baby-smell". How your heart melts when he first calls you "MAMA!" His first steps. His skinned knee. Or hers. Graduation from high school, then college---and then YOU are at another wedding, so far from now---but YOU ARE THERE to see your child build his or her life too! So many sunrises, so many flowers, so many people that would have been blessed by you. Picture yourself standing before God---but He looks sad. "What is it, Lord?" He points to a long line of people---stretching to "out of sight". "Who are they?" He looks in your eyes, and sadly says: "THESE are the ones whose lives you would have touched---had you only lived." Life is a gift---a very precious one. Please turn right now to Jeremiah 29:11-14. I'm not gonna quote it---read it for yourself. Will you?
Meanwhile, I WILL pray for you---that He touches your heart, and guides you through healing---of the doubt, the insecurity, the "sense of failure", the "worthlessness". These things I read in you
between the lines. You are NOT worthless---for the sole reason that
He LOVES YOU!
Do you understand that there are BEINGS whispering those things in your ear? TELLING you that you are worthless? Does that not make you, a little, angry? Remember, don't fight them---
cheat! Turn to GOD, and the battle is ALREADY WON!!!
It takes action. You gotta lift your foot, move it forward and put it down. Now the other foot. Pick up the phone (with your HAND, not your FOOT!
), and call some churches, find a counselor that will accomodate your income. WE will pray that you be led to just-the-right-one.
Life is a gift---"chose life" (from Deuteronomy30:15-20---this applies to us too!). Don't throw it away. Think of all the people you will miss,
and all the people who will miss you!
ALL OF US HERE will be praying for you!!! And, if you pray for us,
we will gladly receive your prayers!
Keep us posted, huh? God bless you! I mean that with all my heart!!!