Question about a Christian Marriage

No, you should not try to force your wife to go to church with you. This accomplishes absolutely NOTHING for her state of salvation, and your pressure may even push her away from God -- which I think is the opposite of the effect you are trying to have on her.

The Bible talks about Biblical submission between husbands and wives -- for Christians. Your wife isn't a Christian. Why would she care what the Bible says about submission? Also, you need to read more in the Bible, or perhaps talk to a pastor, about what submission entails for husbands too. Men have responsibilities to their wives, like loving them as Christ loves the church. There's a lot involved in that and it's more than just laying down the caveman law and trying to force her to do whatever you say.

When you were backslid and not a Christian, how would you have responded to someone saying, "You need to go to church with me because that's what God wants and it's my duty to force you to do that, so let's go"? I mean.... wouldn't you be like, "Get out of my face" to anyone who took that attitude with you?

God wants us to come to him because it is in our hearts to come to him -- not because someone is guilting us, manipulating us, or trying to coerce us into it. That's not going to get your wife any closer to God.

Go to church by yourself, bring your kids if you want, but let her be. Pray for her, be a good example to her, without the self-righteousness, and let her make her own decision about her spiritual salvation.

don_wind said:

thanks for that post. I appreciate the input, you make a lot of good points. I know almost nothing about a Christian marriage (Any reading suggestions?). I want to start going to the church on Atlantic ave to learn more, and I was hoping she would want to go there for marriage counseling with the pastor. We both have a lot to learn.

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I think it's a really good idea for you to get involved in this church if you feel it's Biblically based and a good fit for you. If your wife isn't interested right now, she might be after a while, or she might be willing to go to counseling with you and the pastor. That could be really helpful to both of you.

A good book that I have seen recommended by many Christians here and at my church is called Love and Respect in Marriage. I believe there is a DVD series too, and a lot of churches will have Love and Respect classes or seminars based on the book.

Just go slowly with your wife. This is new to you, and it's not only new but also probably pretty foreign to her. If she sees that you are changing, that you are growing as a Christian and trying to live by Biblical standards, it will change your marriage even without a lot of effort on her part.

Hello Don,

Almost 20 years ago I had severe PTSD and had to fight to get well. I found that God hadn't forgotten me, He helped me. He cares about you as well, He will help you get well.

There is a wonderful verse that encourages anyone in a marriage with an unbeliever. It is 1 Cor. 7:14. It says that it only takes one person in a marriage to sanctify their spouse and make their children holy.

This is so encouraging! Pursue God yourself, spend time in the Word, and yes, go to church and take your children. As for your wife--I suggest, just leave her alone, let God handle this.

This is a challenge, but God is for you, He is not against you, and you can get well. So can your marriage.

There are several books on marriage which can help. Gary Chapman, The Five Love Languages; also Harley, His Needs, Her Needs. Both these books helped me with my own marriage, I highly recommend them.

Be blessed.

Chapman: http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/learn.html

Harley: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6020_needs.html

Also, here is the URL to the thread I wrote on PTSD. There are several things I did as a Christian which helped, and which may help you. I hope this blesses you.

http://christianforums.com/showthread.php?t=6076696

Hi Don,

Absolutely do not insist on your wife going to church with you. She is not your child; she's your wife. Furthermore, I believe an Egalitarian (husband and wife equal) model of family is the divine ideal (Eden); whereas Patriarchy (husband rule) is a result of sin (the fall). This is especially true in modern cultures where equality of the genders is assumed. Insisting she go with you to church will only make her want to not go.

Jesus would have recognized that she will only come to Him when she's ready. The choice isn't up to you, or your pastor, or any other being this side of the Fall.

First, a Scripture, so that you'll know:

(Taken from I Corinthians 7:12-16)

12To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. 13And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. 14For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.
15But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. 16How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?

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I put that big piece up here to keep it in context; the apostle Paul is addressing the Corinthian church, which was struggling with the ins and outs of Christian marriage. As people were saved, sometimes it was just the husband, or the wife, who heard and believed. The remaining spouse, who continued in unbelief, would be in danger of getting divorced because the believers were confused as to what being unequally yoked meant in that situation! The whole of this chapter deals with the marraige bed, but this tells you clearly what you are to do with the spouse who doesn't believe.

Now, regarding forcing her to go to church, please understand that by forcing her, you're causing her not only to resent you, but you're also causing her to resent the church, and God. Instead of this, be an example to her. Show her how God changes you. You're still a new Christian, friend, but this is an opportunity for you to show her who Jesus is through your actions, rather than by your words or by brute force. Bring the kids to church without her, let her hear the kids come back chattering happily about what happened over there. If she's interested in hearing, tell about the people who are there, the friends you make there, focus more on the social aspect of the church. Don't browbeat her with the sermon message (she probably won't be interested), but instead tell her something like, "Today, the pastor spoke about forgiveness. The words he preached made me realize I've been holding something [describe it] against you, and I want you to know I'm not holding it against you. I forgive you, and I love you." Read Proverbs in the Message version of the Bible, there are some sayings in there which are hilarious, such as "It's better to live on a corner of the roof that to live under the same roof with a grumpy woman"! Let her learn who Jesus is by letting her see Jesus in you.

Teaching an unbelieving spouse about the grace and love of God can take a short while, or a long while. I was an unbeliever, I married a believer who was a leader in his church. He tried demanding that I attend church with him, and I basically told him he was a great man except for his religious nuttery. I attended his church sporadically, but never believed...Until the day after we got married! I rejected his message, and His Message, so many times, but it wasn't until GOD moved in my heart that I was able to see the truth. It wasn't the work of my husband. It was Jesus. But I saw Jesus first through the actions of the man I love so completely. It was the love of a believer which led me to realize that Jesus loved me, too. You can't force this conversion. You can only be the example.

Another friend of mine has been attending church since 1999. Her husband is an unbeliever. She is a Pentecostal, so her dress and demeanor changed radically when she was saved. I watched her husband go from one who spurned the church and didn't attend, to going occasionally, to attending a lot here lately. He isn't saved yet, but he's being led, very slowly, through the example of his wife. And others never get saved.

God bless you!

My advice would be not to put so much pressure on your duties as husband in the Christian sense and her responsibility to you as your wife in the Christian sense.

If you truly want to have a Christian marriage the first step is to treat your wife a well as possible, like a Christan man should. Make sure she sees you living the example. If she doesnt want to go to church, you go anyway. If she doesn't want to read the Bible with you, read it anyway. Pray pray and pray some more. Show her the peace, kindness, and joy that you get from being a Christian and being a good husband. Even if this doesn't bring her to salvation or Christ, it will help your marriage immensely. Just my humble opinion.

don_wind said:

I'm a new Christian, my wife has never really been a christian, she just holds on to bits and pieces of biblical phrases that she uses when it suits her fancy.
I was raised as a christian, but sadly backslid for years. Now after several years, I'm asking my heavenly father back into my life. Of course now it's a a daily struggle, because now I have PTSD from the war, and as a result of the PTSD I feel alienated from God, and a lot of my feelings are suppressed. So, I'm trying to pick up the pieces and get my life back into order. Anyway, I wasn't married when I was much younger and a practicing christian. so, I have a lot of questions about christian marriages. Here is an exerpt from an actual conversation between my wife and I:
Me: Honey, I've done some research and I believe we should start going to that little church on Alantic ave. They teach the Bible there, it's a nice christian church.
her: No, I don't like going to church. You go if you want to. I pray every night before I go to bed, i think god's happy with that.
me: I believe God wants us to go to church, and I believe it's my duty to select a church for our family to go to.
her: Well, you go and take the children if you want. I don't want to go, and it's not your place to judge me.
me: I'm not judging you, but I think we should go together, as my wife you have a duty to submit to me , and I have a duty to spiritually guide this family.

OK, that's roughly what was said. My question is, am I wrong to insist on her going with me to a church? WWJD? Comments and ideas are welcome.
Thanks

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I haven't read the rest of the thread but the bolded stood out to me.

I don't think you should force your wife to attend church. God gives us free will, you need to give your wife room to exercise that while continueing to pray for her.

A word on submission. Submission does not mean blind obedience and it's based on love, not control or guilt. I submit to my husband because he respects me, respects my opinion and sometimes lets me do my own thing until I come around to his way of thinking, or not.

First of all welcome back brother. When we have back slid and return to the Lord your life takes on a new direction. Sure you understand what your wife needs but you need to let the Holy Spirit work on her, not you.
Pray for her each and every day. By summiting your life to Christ she will see the changes in you and that will have a much bigger effect on her than you attempting to mold her into what you think she should be or what she should do. Another words let your light shine and let the Holy Spirit work on her. Remember she has a free will just as you do, God doesn’t take that free will away from her, neither should you.
Rest assured that Satan is going to try to pull you two apart, he will do it through her. Stand firm and read the back of the book, we win.
Your love, compassion and gentle spirit will do more to win her over than anything else. My wife went through hell with me over PTSD because of some of the issues I brought back from Nam. It isn’t easy brother but the Lord is the answer and he will heal the pain but the memories will never go away.

don, Submission is a funny thing. Now you too are to submit. Let's use your submission to God. How did that go? Did you always submit? Did God then lecture you on your need to submit? I don't think so. He continued to love you, and he continued to lead. Even when you didn't follow.

Lecturing your wife is just going to harden her heart. Stop that immediately.

Instead you should continue to love your wife and give yourself for her. You continue to lead. At some time, she may follow.

It's hard man, you wouldn't follow God himself, but one day you wake up and then you want her to follow you, a man. What's with that?

The main thing is each day you don't sit there and say to yourself, my wife isn't doing what she's supposed to do, she's being bad. No, you turn your eyes on yourself. Are you loving her as Christ loves the Church? Somehow I think you probably fall a little short, I know I do. Until you live up to that, I'd suggest you put aside lecturing her on what she's supposed to do. Marriage works when each gives themselves, it doesn't work when each demand that the other ones gives. That just selfishness rolled in breading and fried to look like Christianity.

The only way you ever really get it right, is to quit trying to get the other to get it right. It's one of those great contradictions of life.

Love her. Love her as Christ does. She might rebel for a time just as you rebelled. When you get disappointed over that, think of your time of rebellion and treat her with more love.

Marv