Advice on cooking for a husband who doesn't eat!

gracepaints · Nov 29, 2008

Have you read The Five Love Languages? It sounds to me that it could just be that your love language is acts of service and that you're taking it a little personally that he is not "accepting" your attempt to love on him by gobbling down the meals you have so lovingly prepared. If this is the case, it's not really about the food. It is about appreciating how each of you give and recieve love. Might be worth a read.

LJSGM · Nov 29, 2008

my sister gained weight when she stopped smoking. Said she could taste more things and had a bigger appetite. Smoking is an appetite suppresent.

I'd definately say that if he loved you and cared about you, he should stop smoking, and try eating more of what you make for him, even if he doesn't feel like it. If he refuses to care about you in this manner, it's not your responibility to cook for him and I would stop feeding him at all.

he could try a patch or gum.

My husband is a picky eater and I'm the opposite, so it is hard. Still, he eats what I give him, and sometimes complains about it, but he still eats it, and I try to make something that we all like, but sometimes will make something that I crave once in a while. He just has to deal with it.

LJSGM · Nov 29, 2008

My husband will take me to a chinese restaurant every once in a while, and he does it as a gift to me, because he knows that it will make me happy.

Does he ever show any love in this respect for you?

LJSGM · Nov 29, 2008

Actually there are a lot of teenage girls out there with eating disorders that smoke just for a weight loss method.

visionary · Nov 29, 2008

Take notice of what foods he does go for.. are they salty, sugar, fat, fruity, meaty, mostly vegetable, ..etc..

These may be clues as to why?

desmalia · Nov 29, 2008

gracepaints said:
Have you read The Five Love Languages? It sounds to me that it could just be that your love language is acts of service and that you're taking it a little personally that he is not "accepting" your attempt to love on him by gobbling down the meals you have so lovingly prepared. If this is the case, it's not really about the food. It is about appreciating how each of you give and recieve love. Might be worth a read.

Wow, thank you for that post. It actually encourages me in a way that you wouldn't expect. I have read that book and found it very helpful. My languages are touch and quality time. His is acts of service. So that is one of the reasons I want to get this right. It is how I can show him love in a way he understands. Acts of service are very much a weak point for me. I'm just not the nurturing type. So that you might assume it's my love language suggests that maybe I've actually grown in that area. So, thank you!

LJSGM said:
my sister gained weight when she stopped smoking. Said she could taste more things and had a bigger appetite. Smoking is an appetite suppresent.

I'd definately say that if he loved you and cared about you, he should stop smoking, and try eating more of what you make for him, even if he doesn't feel like it. If he refuses to care about you in this manner, it's not your responibility to cook for him and I would stop feeding him at all.

he could try a patch or gum.

My husband is a picky eater and I'm the opposite, so it is hard. Still, he eats what I give him, and sometimes complains about it, but he still eats it, and I try to make something that we all like, but sometimes will make something that I crave once in a while. He just has to deal with it.

Not to worry, he does love me and he hates that he smokes and has wanted to quit for a long time. I don't know what will finally be that final kick in the pants that gets him there, though. He's cut down... but not enough to quit completely.

LJSGM said:
My husband will take me to a chinese restaurant every once in a while, and he does it as a gift to me, because he knows that it will make me happy.

Does he ever show any love in this respect for you?

Yes, absolutely.

visionary said:
Take notice of what foods he does go for.. are they salty, sugar, fat, fruity, meaty, mostly vegetable, ..etc..

These may be clues as to why?

Nothing I've been able to figure out so far.

moonkitty · Nov 29, 2008

Your hubby would starve in my house. While I do take into consideration of what my hubby likes, I do not cook every single meal around his whims. I cook, and if someone doesn't like it, then they can make something for themselves.

HippiePoser · Nov 30, 2008

Hmm...I've dealt with this with my husband, but not nearly to the degree that you have. I used to spend a lot of time trying to come up with meals that he would like, and it pretty much consisted of Hamburger Helper, spaghetti, or mac and cheese. Now, I LOVE to cook and try new recipes, and finally, I told him straight up that while I'd do my best to accommodate his tastes, that I would be trying new recipes, and if he didn't like them, he was more than welcome to make his own dinner. Since then, dinnertime has been very nice at our house, and he's actually discovered a lot of new foods that he likes.

You might have to "lay down the law", and tell him that if he doesn't want to eat what you cook, when you cook it, then he needs to fend for himself. It'll be a lot less stressful for the both of you. ((((hugs)))) I hope this helps a little.

Hadassah · Dec 1, 2008

I'm with Moonkitty. I have to tell my DH that he's having what we're having, or cereal. His mom really catered to him for 26 years and he's gotten so far one year of growing up done. We're still working on that.

I do echo the others and suggest documenting what he eats, finding out what ingredients are in it and when you go together to a doctor's appointment bring that up and the possibilities of food intolerances/allergies or aversions and the possibilities of malnutrition and doing some tests to check out all aspects of that. I guarantee you that prior to finding out I had celiac disease, I was loaded up on the things I should not be eating, and was trying any way I could to get the minerals and vitamins that were being leeched from my system due to the damage done in my gut.

It's possible the Love Languages book would also help you, but I do suggest getting his blood tested and possibly a celiac panel & gene test. You just never know these days and it is one of the most undiagnosed/misdiagnosed diseases in the US to date.

Golden_Cross · Dec 1, 2008

My grandfather is like that... He eats once a day and usually it's just rice and bacon... I tell him to eat and sometimes he will and other times he won't

Your husband is an adult.. If he's hungry he can make something.. Id cook for him but if he doesn't want it you can't make someone eat. I would say just sit down and talk to him. Find out why he doesn't eat and what you could do to make things better for him. If that doesn't work don't worry bout it.

immersedingrace · Dec 1, 2008

desmalia said:
Thank you.
See, I care about him and his health. I want him around for as long as possible! And I know that eating habits like his put a HUGE strain in the heart. He knows he has to change, and at times he's tried really hard. But lately, not so much.

I don't love cooking, but I don't hate it either. Baking, I like. But he doesn't care for sweets, so I just end up eating it all. Therefore, no baking! lol.

We've actually spent quite a bit of time going through recipes and even typed up a long list for reference. He's taught me a few that were always faves, but he even seems tired of those now. I like to try new recipes and put my own twist on them from time to time to. But probably only around one out of ten new creations is a hit with him.

I'm trying so hard to make everything from scratch because it's (usually) more cost effective and much healthier. But it seems the only way I can keep him eating is to stock up on lots of quick fixes like bacon, frozen perogies, fries, white bread, cheezies, etc. (And he's the one who's usually concerned about salt intake! lol) I just don't know.

I understand that you care about your husband and want him to be healthy. You can only do so much before all you CAN do is pray for him. You are not responsible for making him eat healthy. I know that your agreement with your husband is that you do the cooking. You ARE doing the cooking. You've taken the time to find out from your husband what he would like. You've taken the time to actually prepare those meals for him. You cannot control his changing taste buds, or moods, or appetite. Those things are out of your control. Do not stress over them! You're doing what you can.

You're saying that he likes fries, pierogies, and white bread. All three of those can be homemade and frozen. They may be time consuming but they can be done and he can reheat when he's hungry. Now, I don't believe that fries are neccessarily evil and I like pierogies. Making them at home leaves out the unhealthy preservatives. My theory is if you can find it in the frozen food department at your local grocer, it can be frozen at home. I would invest in some sort of vaccuum sealing product (food saver or seal a meal which are pricy or the new ziplock vac bags - obviously pricier than reg. ziplocks but can't be any pricier than wasting food) or go to one of the make and freeze websites to get ideas on how to freeze stuff so it keeps longer (until I got my foodsaver, I was always throwing out freezer burned meat but you may already be great at keeping that from happening). So, take your hubby to the grocery store with you, go through the freezer department and see what may strike his interest then find a recipe to cook at home and then freeze in different size portions. like one and two meals. That way, when he's hungrier, he can pull out a larger portion (or if you still feel it's your job, you can) or a smaller one as his appetite states. You may still throw out some food, but won't be as much. What kinds of things is he choosing that don't freeze well? There may be a way to freeze them that someone on here knows about.

desmalia · Dec 1, 2008

Thanks again for all your feedback, ladies.
I've asked for a bread maker for Christmas, so that may really help.
Last night I told him I'd be picking up some meat today and asked what he wanted. He said he wanted burgers. So I got hamburger and we've already got buns that need to be eaten up, as well as the other topings. Hopefully he'll eat them! lol. I guess this will just be a slow process. He's perfectly capable of grabbing something for himself, and he certainly does when he wants to. He was a bachelor for a long time before we met. But he'd prefer that I be the one doing the kitchen work, and so would I. It's just getting this all to work effectively that's the challenge.

firestar · Dec 3, 2008

from a nutrional point of view, your hubby sounds completely under-nourished. His natural appetite may be suppressed because his system is so clogged up with garbage. Processed and refined foods are not good in small quantities never mind making them the staple of your diet. Personal question... and you don't have to answer it online, just to yourself if you want... how many bowel movements does he have every day? If he's not regular enough to have even one a day then he's very constipated. He needs to get some junk moved out.

Since he doesn't have much of an appetite to begin with, it might be super easy for him to go on a short 3 day juice fast. If you have a juicer that is... and before you do that get some herbal cleanse supplements that includes a colon cleanse component because if his colon is clogged up he can't and won't absorb any nutrients that he may get from his juice.

If he is regular, and there's nothing medically wrong then perhaps that's just the way his appetite is and as such just leave him. My mom is kinda like this and my sister gets on her for not eating with the family and only by herself at random times but my mom's appetite is just not as robust as it used to be. I try to make sure that the few things she does eat are nutritionally dense. For your hubby I'd reccomend hemp smoothies. Hemp is a complete source of protein, omega 3's and fibre. Blend with mango, banana, some baby spinach and ice and you have a very nutritious meal replacement.

faerieevaH · Dec 3, 2008

I was actually going to sugest smoothies with the same reasoning as firestar. Usually, picky eaters have less problems with something to drink, especially if it's sweet. And you can put lots of healthy veggies in there.
Another thing to look into might be the book: the sneaky chef. I have not read it myself so I can't make a real recommendation of it, but the principle is to put nutritious foods into foods that people (children) are likely to eat, like macaroni and cheese and muffins.
It might seem a silly move to start feeding your husband the way you feed children and I certainly wouldn't advertise lying about it, but you don't need to go out of your way to point out that there is spinach in those muffins now do you?
Hopefully, after a while when the nutrients are doing their work, a more healthy apetite might develop.

LovesToRead · Dec 4, 2008

Your situation sounds like my son in many ways, although my son is a vegatarian, from babyhood. We are not...he just hates the taste of meat.

Food has been a HUGE issue between us...and I pretty much have done what is being suggested to you....He's almost 21 and believe me, he will not starve.

When he was home for Thanksgiving, we went out to dinner and he will eat fish, that's his one "meat" option. But now while he's away...what can I say, it's totally in his hands.

You mentioned that your husband was a bachelor for years. Well, he ate then. I would work on making things and letting it go from there. He certainly can't say you're not trying.

It's hard because eating is also a social thing...and it can really feel like an insult when someone is picky. But for me, at this point, I'm leaving it in his hands, since discussions and all have gotten almost nowhere.

desmalia · Dec 4, 2008

firestar said:
from a nutrional point of view, your hubby sounds completely under-nourished. His natural appetite may be suppressed because his system is so clogged up with garbage. Processed and refined foods are not good in small quantities never mind making them the staple of your diet. Personal question... and you don't have to answer it online, just to yourself if you want... how many bowel movements does he have every day? If he's not regular enough to have even one a day then he's very constipated. He needs to get some junk moved out.

Since he doesn't have much of an appetite to begin with, it might be super easy for him to go on a short 3 day juice fast. If you have a juicer that is... and before you do that get some herbal cleanse supplements that includes a colon cleanse component because if his colon is clogged up he can't and won't absorb any nutrients that he may get from his juice.

If he is regular, and there's nothing medically wrong then perhaps that's just the way his appetite is and as such just leave him. My mom is kinda like this and my sister gets on her for not eating with the family and only by herself at random times but my mom's appetite is just not as robust as it used to be. I try to make sure that the few things she does eat are nutritionally dense. For your hubby I'd reccomend hemp smoothies. Hemp is a complete source of protein, omega 3's and fibre. Blend with mango, banana, some baby spinach and ice and you have a very nutritious meal replacement.

You'd think he would have lots of constipation, wouldn't ya? I know I sure would if I ate like he does. But he's got probably the healthiest digestive system of anyone I've ever met.
I have tried getting him to do smoothies in the past and sometimes he's been kinda receptive to it. I'll have to try again. Thanks for the reminder. As for juice, that gives him GIRD, so it's not an option.

faerieevaH said:
I was actually going to sugest smoothies with the same reasoning as firestar. Usually, picky eaters have less problems with something to drink, especially if it's sweet. And you can put lots of healthy veggies in there.
Another thing to look into might be the book: the sneaky chef. I have not read it myself so I can't make a real recommendation of it, but the principle is to put nutritious foods into foods that people (children) are likely to eat, like macaroni and cheese and muffins.
It might seem a silly move to start feeding your husband the way you feed children and I certainly wouldn't advertise lying about it, but you don't need to go out of your way to point out that there is spinach in those muffins now do you?
Hopefully, after a while when the nutrients are doing their work, a more healthy apetite might develop.

Thanks for the tip about the book. I'll look into it. Sometimes I can get him to eat healthy things. Like I even broke down and bought pre-packaged fruit cups so he could have some fruit in his lunch. He doesn't eat them every day, but it's a start. But lately work has been slow, so he comes home before lunch. If he's at work all day he'll eat his lunch. But if he comes home early he won't eat until bed time. He doesn't like food weighing him down when he's got work to do (home renos in this case). But it's soooo bad for his heart to eat like that.

LovesToRead said:
Your situation sounds like my son in many ways, although my son is a vegatarian, from babyhood. We are not...he just hates the taste of meat.

Food has been a HUGE issue between us...and I pretty much have done what is being suggested to you....He's almost 21 and believe me, he will not starve.

When he was home for Thanksgiving, we went out to dinner and he will eat fish, that's his one "meat" option. But now while he's away...what can I say, it's totally in his hands.

You mentioned that your husband was a bachelor for years. Well, he ate then. I would work on making things and letting it go from there. He certainly can't say you're not trying.

It's hard because eating is also a social thing...and it can really feel like an insult when someone is picky. But for me, at this point, I'm leaving it in his hands, since discussions and all have gotten almost nowhere.

Good for you for not forcing your son to eat meat. He could well be allergic to it. I have a friend who's like that, and it's the same struggle for her as well. She'll have a bit of fish now and then, but that's about it. I actually suggested she do protein shakes recently.

hisbloodformysins · Dec 4, 2008

desmalia said:
I thought about posting this in the women's section. But I'd like male input too, especially if there are any guys here who are like my husband.

This has been an ongoing struggle for me since we got married two and half years ago. But lately it's gotten to a point that I just don't know what to do.

My husband is a finicky eater and doesn't like to eat very often. Once a day (very late dinner) is what he considers to be plenty. Even that is a challenge sometimes. I've managed to get him into the habit of eating lunch at work and found a few things he'll actually eat. It also helps that others are eating and he can smell their food. So that makes him want something. But when he's home, it's impossible to get him to eat lunch (and forget breakfast!). Even when I cook for myself the smell doesn't entice him.

But now, dinner is becoming a problem too. In the beginning he was very happy with basic things like roast beef and potatoes or chicken with lots of seasoning (and strangely enough, he actually does like veggies! lol)or a few dishes that he showed me from his childhood (that are not super healthy, but better than nothing). But these days even when I make those, half of the leftovers go to waste because he decides he'd just rather have toast or popcorn or whatever instead. I freeze what I can, but not everything freezes that well. We're on a budget and I'm very concerned about all the food that gets thrown out. I try to make food that I can eat too, but I'm on a restricted diet, so much of the food I make for him has to be eaten by him.

Then every now and then he magically gets really hungry (around 9 or 10pm) and wants some grand meal. I have no way of preparing for it! In fact some days I just don't cook because I don't know whether he'll be hungry and I don't want to waste more food. We've even come to a point where we made a list of recipes that he's always loved. But he rarely wants any of even those anymore.

So, basically I feel like a bad wife when it comes to cooking. When I do cook, he doesn't want it and it goes to waste. When I don't cook he is suddenly hungry and I haven't properly taken care of him. I can't win! I've talked to him about it and he knows it's a problem. But he has no idea what to do. Even the dishes that used to be "surefire" no longer do it for him.

I'm extra frustrated right now because I'm really sick, and exhausted, and just don't have the energy to fight this battle. Can anyone suggest anything that might help?

Unless your husband is significantly under weight, I'd say that his eating habits are VERY HEALTHY. In an obese culture we live by food rules that we must eat breakfast, and or lunch and dinner. We must eat regularly... no matter if we are hungry or not... and well, people wouldn't have the weight problems they have if they'd listen to their body signals instead of tradition or a set eating schedule and food rules. Also, it's very healthy to eat what your in the mood for... sometimes this means a slice of pizza for breakfast instead of eggs and bacon.... or like you said, pop corn for lunch. Your husband is still intune with his natural hunger signals.. you don't want to distort that for him, that's what leads to confusion and unhealthy eating habits.

Maybe talk to him about your concerns about wanting to be a pleasing wife to him and please him in the way of meals and you feel cheated from that when he won't eat..... and ask him how you can serve him better in a way that works for the both of you.

Hope that helps.

HB

desmalia · Dec 4, 2008

hisbloodformysins said:
Unless your husband is significantly under weight, I'd say that his eating habits are VERY HEALTHY. In an obese culture we live by food rules that we must eat breakfast, and or lunch and dinner. We must eat regularly... no matter if we are hungry or not... and well, people wouldn't have the weight problems they have if they'd listen to their body signals instead of tradition or a set eating schedule and food rules. Also, it's very healthy to eat what your in the mood for... sometimes this means a slice of pizza for breakfast instead of eggs and bacon.... or like you said, pop corn for lunch. Your husband is still intune with his natural hunger signals.. you don't want to distort that for him, that's what leads to confusion and unhealthy eating habits.

Maybe talk to him about your concerns about wanting to be a pleasing wife to him and please him in the way of meals and you feel cheated from that when he won't eat..... and ask him how you can serve him better in a way that works for the both of you.

Hope that helps.

HB

See that's the thing - it's not healthy. It's a medical fact that just having one large meal at the end of the day (especially one high in salt, additives, and other crap) is very hard on the heart. I know someone who actually had a heart attack from years of doing that. It's not natural. It's something he trained his body to do when he was a bachelor so he could just work through lunch. I'm not suggesting he needs three hearty meals every day. I'd be happy if he'd eat twice a day every day, even if it's just a small amount of something nutritious. Living on nothing but junk food is not healthy. It's just not.

Anyway, we are having ongoing conversations about it. So we'll see.

Advice on cooking for a husband who doesn't eat!

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