Different points of view

What different points of view in life, have you gotten from being married?

Two of my biggest were from becoming a part of my wife's family. My family handles conflict very passive-aggressively, and grudges last for anywhere from months to years, sometimes even longer than a decade. When my wife's family fights, they FIGHT. Then they're over it within the hour. Total opposites, and it's very interesting and enlightening to see the differences.

Also, I grew up with very simplistic and not-well-cooked food selections. I was a picky eater, and not a connoisseur of quality food. My wife comes from a food-snob family, and it shows when she cooks - she makes complex, ingredient-loaded, sometimes-exotic dishes that are tough to find even at restaurants, and she cooks them WELL. I tell her she would make an awesome chef. I think if she was the head chef of her own restaurant, she'd become a multimillionaire.

Definitely, definitely, definitely how to be part of a family who likes, and even loves, each other. This was my biggest struggle, not having grown up in a good family, and I still sometimes struggle with it.

Also, learning how to be a wife. That sounds very basic but really I had no concept of what a wife is supposed to be to her husband. Again, lack of good role models made it difficult for me to leave independent-girl-who-lives-for-herself and become half of a couple, taking someone else's feelings, thoughts, ideas, and desires into consideration as well as my own.

I had a hard time with gender roles, and stepping into what was comfortable for both of us was still difficult because I rebelled against what felt right, favoring instead what I thought society dictated I be.

We're more independant in my family, his leans on each other a lot more.

My family functions always end up with someone in tears from hurt feelings after a fight (usually me), his family functions are raucous feel good affairs where there are no debates

Besides the different ways of dealing with conflict, my DH's family has a different POV regarding gift giving. In his family, they only buy eachother gifts that were specifically asked for...that is their way.

In my family, we were raised with gift giving being more about the surprise. To me, it means so much more to get something that someone found and chose based on knowing me and paying attention what I like or could use.

Can I give you an AMEN to that MK!!
I never understood the specific list for christmas.

DH's family has a lot more money than mine, and that's kind of interesting to wrap my mind around. For example, DH's grandparents will write us a $10,000 cheque out of the blue every 2 years or so (because it's tax-free if they give it to us before they die instead of having us inherit it). Birthday cheques look like $100. My maternal grandparents will give $15 cheques for birthdays and my paternal grandparents will give socks. These "small" gifts are given with much love, and accurately reflect their means.

Another difference I have noticed lately is how each of our families view in-laws differently. My parents very much count DH and my sister-in-law as their very own kids, i.e., my mom will talk about "my five kids" when really she just gave birth to 3 and then 2 got married. No matter how much my MIL loves me (and she does), she will never refer to me as "one of my kids". MIL and FIL will often take their two biological children on shopping sprees for random gifts and clothing and such, but only very rarely will they include myself and their son-in-law. Sometimes this is hard on me, because MIL and her daughter (DH's sister) will very often do mother-daughter things together without me. I understand that I'm not her "real daughter", but it sure would be nice to be included a little more often. I think maybe she feels like I have my own mom, and that she wouldn't want to pretend to replace my mom. But I live 4000km away from my own mom and only 2km away from MIL, so I'd appreciate a little extra inclusion sometimes.

What different points of view in life, have you gotten from being married

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To let go and let God when appropriate
To not critize people even when they deserve it.

My wife and son get the credit for these improved views

My parents are wonderful people and great parents, but they are not a good husband and wife to each other. Especially my dad - my mum is the patient angelic self-sacrificing type. My inlaws had a very good marriage, they truly were one. My mother-in-law died this autumn. So my inlaws showed me what a happy marriage looks like, even after 48 years of marriage and a relationship of 54 years.

My parents and my husband's parents are/were opposites. Before I knew my inlaws I often didn't realise that my parents' way is not the norm, and that your upbringing molds you in a certain way that cannot be easily undone. I see that in myself and in my husband. The way we spend money is very different (I'm a saver, he's a spender), to name one thing. Also, politically my husband's family is right-wing and anti-green while my family is very green, and more left-wing. Thankfully in this respect my husband is like me. I often find my inlaws' lack of respect for animals and nature (and people who are not like them - me for example) shocking. This makes me more thankful towards my own parents.

My wife and I come from 2 different backgrounds, her from a small town outside Indianapolis, and me from a city in metro Detroit. We have different experiences due to that. For instance, my family is considerably closer knit than hers, it seems, but we have enough common ground that we can work through whatever differences arise.

Our biggest things is how we want to spend our 'down' time. He his content to lay around the apartment watching tv, I am not. I hate to be unproductive and idle. My family has always been part of a large community, while his parents literally are each others only friends. He is okay without meeting people, I am not. Fortunately, if he doesn't want to go socialize, he is perfectly okay with me going by myself, as am I. It is just a personality difference. Neither of us would be happy if we just gave into the other ones way, so we go our own. I'm also itching to start a family, he would be happy to wait at least three or four more years. Right now we have negotiated 18 months, when I will be done with graduate school