I've come to the conclusion that I hate almost everyone. I've hated people for all my life, and always thought of others as a sort of monkeys with incurable stupidity. Preprogrammed robots that just walk around acting after what their software is telling them to do, and having no idea they are doing it at all, but just experience that they do it, and getting updates from the other robots about how to continue their robotic existence. All they can reply is some robotic "bleep" that only make sense to them, about what is happening in their robot-world. They don't understand how to not be robot, and don't understand me when I talk like a human instead.
Earlier I used to feel really aggressive and I would fantasize about how I killed all the people I saw that I hated.
The aggression was my driving-force that kept me forward at young age. I was going to show them all how much better I am. They all would realize that I am superiour. I honestly thought that I would become famous in one way or another, but eventually I met the wall. I tried to put myself higher then everyone, but ended up lower then all of them. I tried to reach the top, but when I started to see my limits, I gave up on everything.
So that has been me for the last ten years ago. Still I hate people, but I also put myself lower then everyone. I hate myself more then anything, cause I have failed utterly in almost everything in life.
And I have ended up pretty alone. I used to be the bad boy in school that got all the pretty girls and did all the things that no one else dared, but now I am hiding inside, and need strong medications just to go out the door, and the main part of my communication with other people is trough the internet. I am really scared of people, cause I don't understand the world they are living in at all, or how they can enjoy such a sick existence.
So I guess my hate have placed me on the outside of everything, in a position where I can only observe the lives of others, but not take part in it myself, because it just seem like a lie to me. I just don't have the ability to take part in it anymore, cause I am so convinced that it is just a theater-show everyone are living in. And I guess I am right. Maybe I just see it more clearly for unknown reasons.
Not sure if anyone understand me at all. If anyone can put the finger on anything I write and explain how I can give up this hate, I would be thankful.
This post is not meant as any kind of insult or anything like it. I've just tried to describe a problem I have that is incompatible with Christianity.
Earlier I used to feel really aggressive and I would fantasize about how I killed all the people I saw that I hated.
The aggression was my driving-force that kept me forward at young age. I was going to show them all how much better I am. They all would realize that I am superiour. I honestly thought that I would become famous in one way or another, but eventually I met the wall. I tried to put myself higher then everyone, but ended up lower then all of them. I tried to reach the top, but when I started to see my limits, I gave up on everything.
So that has been me for the last ten years ago. Still I hate people, but I also put myself lower then everyone. I hate myself more then anything, cause I have failed utterly in almost everything in life.
And I have ended up pretty alone. I used to be the bad boy in school that got all the pretty girls and did all the things that no one else dared, but now I am hiding inside, and need strong medications just to go out the door, and the main part of my communication with other people is trough the internet. I am really scared of people, cause I don't understand the world they are living in at all, or how they can enjoy such a sick existence.
So I guess my hate have placed me on the outside of everything, in a position where I can only observe the lives of others, but not take part in it myself, because it just seem like a lie to me. I just don't have the ability to take part in it anymore, cause I am so convinced that it is just a theater-show everyone are living in. And I guess I am right. Maybe I just see it more clearly for unknown reasons.
Not sure if anyone understand me at all. If anyone can put the finger on anything I write and explain how I can give up this hate, I would be thankful.
This post is not meant as any kind of insult or anything like it. I've just tried to describe a problem I have that is incompatible with Christianity.
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