• The General Mental Health Forum is now a Read Only Forum. As we had two large areas making it difficult for many to find, we decided to combine the Mental Health & the Recovery sections of the forum into Mental Health & Recovery as a whole. Physical Health still remains as it's own area within the entire Recovery area.

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lmarie23

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Hi everyone.

A-M,
I know it's hard to come to grips with the truth sometimes, but I think you are doing the right thing. I'm glad you are going to meet with your pastor and find a roommate to live with near home. It sounds like you are making some good decisions, I'm proud of you. Yes, you need to find a guy (eventually) who will respect you and not hurt you. But I agree that you should probably take a break from relationships for a while. I hope things start being on the up and up for you. I'm with you.

April,
I'm sorry to hear you've been struggling so much lately. I'm referring more to your previous post. I know it's scary to go to you T and N and everyone for help, but they are there to help you. They are trying to work in your interest, they aren't against you. I can empathize because sometimes when I'm struggling I don't want to go to those people either, but usually I force myself to go to see if they can help me. And if I'm not open and honest with them, then how can I expect them to really help me? You are such a beautiful person, April, it saddens me when you are struggling and "falling down the rabbit hole" - I want you to have everything in life and be content.

~~~~~~
Nothing much going on here, just been studying for my big exam today in my Theories of Personality class. It's over 4 theorists - Rogers, May, Allport, and Eyseneck. I feel prepared for it now so I'm using one of the university computers now. I hate not having a working computer! Well, the good thing about it is that I find different things to do with myself when I get off work. I've been reading even more than usual, reading my Bible as well, and last night I did some Pilates-type exercises. Plus I worked on an oil pastel portrait. Though I haven't done oil pastel in ages and it looks pretty weird right now. Oh well. haha

Concerned about my sister right now because she just lost her teaching job. She will be done at Christmas break. I feel for her. What will she do next? Teaching is her dream but I don't know how it can work now.... :(

Lynne
 
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texannurse

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Things here are HORRIBLE! I don't know if I'm in a hypomanic phase or what. I'm just really emotional, get angry at the drop of a pin, start crying and have anxiety attack and anger that turns into rage. I am trying to not hurt myself (SI) but I am just so angry. And then, my T yelled at me last night about how i am continuing unhealthy behaviors and he is furious with me. I don't know what to do.
TN
 
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Soulwings

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Tn, love, I'm so sorry to hear that things are so ick for you right now. My T has never yelled at me, but I would be terrified if she ever did. That is not right. Therapists should remain patient and caring... not getting furious and trying to motivate their clients to do better by using anger as a tool. That is wrong. :hug:

I hope you feel better soon, and know that you can reach out to me anytime. :hug:

...

Lynne, best of luck in your Theories of Personality class. Sounds really interesting. I forgot that you were still taking classes - is that the only one??

I hope things work out for your sister. My sister just got a TA for the spring; she was so relieved because she was so worried about not having a job etc. (Master's in biology), so I can understand the sisterly concern there. Will be praying about her situation.

Pictures of the oil pastel portrait in the creative art and writing thread? *begs* ;)

...

I don't feel good. I never feel good when I am at the apartment. It's like... I leave campus and I become imaginary. I don't know. We don't have guests, and when I leave campus, I leave the lives of my friends/acquaintances, and they probably don't think about me at all until they see me again. I don't feel like I'm real.

Falling down the rabbit hole accurately describes it, I think. Everything is out of proportion. It's really weird.

Only 4 weeks left, only 4 weeks left, only 4 weeks left.... *mantra* I am having such a hard time being motivated for uni right now... I've an exam this week that I didn't even know about (how great is that? :|), open book mostly so I'm not too concerned, and only on 2 chapters of material, but still... I am not keeping on top of things like I should.

Thanksgiving break is coming up... I get Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday off... so a 5-day weekend. How cool is that? :p

Anyway. Not much really happening. Just feeling weird as usual. I don't want to reach out to my T or NP... I know they are there to help but my NP would want to up a dose of APs or get me on an AD......... and my T would probably support that, caring though she is. And I honestly don't know what is best for me.
 
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Jeshu

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Things here are HORRIBLE! I don't know if I'm in a hypomanic phase or what. I'm just really emotional, get angry at the drop of a pin, start crying and have anxiety attack and anger that turns into rage. I am trying to not hurt myself (SI) but I am just so angry. And then, my T yelled at me last night about how i am continuing unhealthy behaviors and he is furious with me. I don't know what to do.
TN

TEXANNURSE

Please don't let others intimidate you about who and what you are and have become. Why would people scream at us for? Keep your distance from such power brokers I reckon. I've had doctors scream at me, I wont be back, for such people only makes things worse.

You need compassionate love.

I recommend you take your behaviours to Jesus and let Him teach you about yourself. He will NEVER accuse you - devil and his mob does. Jesus will fill you up with love and good things, this makes leaving not such great 'good things' much easier, please remember and believe that.

(From Jesus you are allowed to freely feed of all created things. No screaming from Him, let me assure you, but loving care that's my experience with Him - and what's more - He paid for all of you - also and in particular for your weaker self in being.)

Please understand that you need loving and caring people to help you away from painful behaviours, not psychological bullies.

Anyway why would people scream and bully unless they have problems? Watch out for any T who behaves like this - not helpful whatsoever - be wise find someone else.


Gerry:wave:
 
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Soulwings

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I really feel like I'm falling apart. This is ridiculous and scary. It's gotten a lot worse since last night, and I feel like I can't be alone because "something" is going to happen.... I don't know what that something is - I don't feel suicidal or self-destructive in any way - just scared. Of what, I don't know. And what's worse is I have to hide this from other people - and also get stuff done. I have loads of assignments due on Tuesday and I have a quiz tomorrow and a meeting tonight and loads of other stuff to do...... I'm going to fall apart before I can get it all together.

I honestly don't know what to do. I don't know if I should call my NP... I don't think we can afford to see her again before the 6th, because we have to pay $75 out of pocket, and we don't really have that much extra cash, what with all of my meds and other appointments and things. I don't know if we can afford an increase in meds, or a new one. Jarrod thinks I should call her. I don't know.

I really need to get out. I'm going for a walk with my mum around eleven (it's 9:15am now) and I will have to hide this from her....... otherwise she will worry way too much. I can't stay here, I feel like I'm going crazy crazy crazy..........

:cry:
 
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DoubtingThomas29

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That sounds rough April, butyou know what it is going to get better, you just need psychiatric care to help you from going through a full relapse. Hang in there! If you think about it, would you rather pay $75 to the nurse or pay $700 a day for two weeks in a hospital? Stay healthy, hang in there!
 
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lmarie23

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Hi everyone.

April,
I really feel for you. I wish I lived closer so I could come over and talk things out with you. It's hard to talk over the internet. My best friend and I have great talks about life, I appreciate having her around.

I know, I hate when they try to overmedicate me too. Right now I'm on more medicine than I would like to be, and I resisted for a while, but then I gave it and now I've accepted it mostly, I guess. I'm on 3 psych meds but for a while it was just 1 or 2. And I'm on a higher dose of the mood stabilizer than I would like. But I hate it when I'm unstable so maybe it's worth it? I don't know.

Maybe you just need to plan out your time more when you're home. So it's not like you have all these open expanses of time where you're alone and lonely and your thoughts start to take over. Like maybe you could tell yourself, at 4 pm I have to do some homework, but at 5 I can read a book for fun, or work on a poem. So you have things to look forward to and the day is broken up a bit. And maybe you should work on doing things with friends more outside of school, so you're not feeling as lonely. When I'm struggling, the worst thing for me is spending too much time home alone. I just have to force myself to get out and spend time with my friends even if I don't feel sociable. Maybe you can empathize? Just some thoughts.

I also find that when I pour myself into my creative pursuits, then my troubles seem to dim and go away. It gives me a new focus and I start to feel good about myself. For me it's my art, and sometimes writing. You have the writing too, and your music. Have you tried songwriting? That's something I have been trying to work on lately, it can be fun too.

I kind of agree with DoubtingThomas and Jarrod that maybe you should see your T or N, there is no price you can put on your mental health, and maybe her way is not the best way of getting you better, but we certainly want you to start feeling better, whatever it takes.

TexanNurse,

I'm sorry things are so hard for you now. I can't believe your T yelled at you, that's awful. I definitely understand the emotional thing and crying a lot thing, I get like that sometimes too. God is faithful and will bring you through this. If you need someone to talk to, feel free to PM me or something.

~~~~~~~
It's my day off - yay!

Yesterday, I had that exam and I feel really good about it. :) The other exams I had for the class I felt mostly good about and I did well on, so I imagine I did well on this one too.

Yes, April, it's my only class. Next semester I am just auditing a class- digital photography, because my current class is the last one I need for grad school.

This morning I went out to Kohl's because they had this big sale and I got a coupon to save an extra 30% off everything, even clearance items. It was one of those coupons where you peel it off to see how much you save, and I got the highest amount, so I was excited. I bought too much stuff, but I averaged spending only $6.50 per item, so I did well. I even bought a dress for only $9! And I bought this shirt that looks very artsy - it looks like an impressionist painting put on a shirt, with billowy sleeves, I feel like an artist in it. :)

so that was fun. next i have my T appointment, hopefully it is productive.

then this afternoon my dad and i have a movie date to watch Facing the Giants, then i'm having dinner at my parents', then i'm going to Bible study. should be a good day. :)

um, im' not sure about posting that oil pastel portrait, like i said it is really weird. i don't like it so much and have temporarily abandoned working on it. i could post a picture of the acrylic painting i'm working on though. i had decided a while ago that i was going to make artwork for all my Christmas presents. but unfortunately i forgot about it and just remembered this week, and now i'm panicking because i only have a month to make a lot of Christmas presents! eek! i'm trying to think of what people would want me to make for them too, it's hard to know because generally people tell me they like all of my artwork but i never know when they're just being nice and when they really mean it. and what they prefer out of the artwork i do... hmm..

these are my ideas right now:

my sister: a pointilist drawing in ink of her and me together
my mom/dad: some kind of acrylic painting
my best friend: a collage of the two of us together and random things that have meaning just for us
my brother: something else because i don't think he likes artwork
my friend M. M.: a painting of pink/red roses to match the decorations in her house?
my friend M. S.: a painting of her dog, who is sick now with a brain disorder
my friend S: the painting of a turtle on the beach i promised her for her wedding but haven't finished yet

that's a lot of artwork to do in a month - eek

Lynne
 
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Soulwings

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Lynne - wow, it's been a busy day for you!!! I'm glad to hear that you are doing okay, though. The shopping sounds like a lot of fun - I have to be in the right mood for it to be fun for me, but when it is fun, it is fun!! :) What all did you get? (or some more of the items, anyway, if you don't mind sharing - and what does the dress look like? girly details, I know ;))

I hope your T appt goes well.

Let us know how you liked "Facing the Giants." :)

I'd love to see a photo of your acrylic. Share whatever you want to share!! :) I'm sure we would all love to see whatever. :hug:

That is a lot of artwork. Hehe, I like how you stuck your brother's "something else" in the middle of all of the artwork that you have to do... it made me smile. Let us know how the artwork comes along - sounds very interesting!!

...

I spend some of my time structured... I mean, I rarely grope around and wonder what to do next - there's always something that needs doing, whether it's homework or housework or April-time, Jarrod-time, or (lapsing) God-time. I'm getting better about not ruminating over my problems, but right now, I'm slipping with that... well rather, I'm trying to ignore them and they are getting bigger and bigger and now I'm in trouble, I think.

It would be nice if you and I lived closer, yes, Lynne. I'd like to sit down and talk about deep things with you. And lighter stuff too - I like being able to honestly laugh with my friends (and be so close to them that I can laugh at something they do without them thinking I'm laughing at them :)). That would be lovely. I don't have that many friends as is, and the friends I do have don't have much free time, not as much as I do - and anyway, next term is going to be a lot busier... hope I don't crack under the stress.

I managed to hide the stuff from my parents, so I must not be as bad off as it appears. One hallucination I thought I had last night turned out to be a real thing, so that assuaged some of my fears (it was my husband's cell phone alarm going off - it shouldn't've at that time, 8:30pm, and I thought I was hallucinating, so I just accepted it and went back to sleep, but it turned out that he got a text message and it makes the same noise and flashing lights receiving a text that it does when the alarm goes off).

Anyway. Yes. I'm able to pretend that things are hunky-dory. It's a nice thing, to be able to do that. Makes it feel more real - the being alright part, I mean. I know it's not - well, kind of know it's not - kind of think it is - isn't feeling like this normal? part of me asks..........

I haven't called my NP yet. Not sure if I will. I see my T day after tomorrow and if she deems it necessary we may call during the appt. My T called me this morning and told me that she had actually woken up in the middle of the night and was thinking about me..... that scared me a little, because - to me - it seems that T's would only do that about people that they are very worried about. I hope I'm not that bad...... but part of me thinks I am. Falling down the rabbit hole, after all.

Maybe I shouldn't waited this long to seek help. (And anyway, I haven't sought help, it was Jarrod seeking it for me - guess I am a little stubborn, huh? :sigh: )
 
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lmarie23

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April,

Shopping is too much fun for me. When I'm struggling it's always very tempting to indulge in "retail therapy." I love love bargain-hunting, but it's not that much of a bargain when you buy a lot of things! I think partly I struggle with it because I'm BPD, so I struggle with compulsive behavior, etc, but partly it's a girl thing I suppose. Well, it could be worse I suppose.

Let's see, I also got two t-shirts that I can wear to work or whatever. One has a picture of a tree on it and it's all drawn in one continuous line, it looks cool. The other has a tree with these rays coming out from it, kind of like a recycling theme. And I got a lime green short-sleeve shirt with a scoop neck and some rouching at the neck, I can't really describe it but it's pretty. I'm really really into lime green and mint green right now. And I got a dark green sweater that has a hood on it and a tie around it, it's pretty and looks good on me. The dress has this busy pattern on it and it's this silk material with cap sleeves and it's rouched above the waist so it looks flattering on me even though i don't have the ideal figure. otherwise it's basically a shift dress. i don't know, i was surprised how good it looks on me. unfortunately i now go to a church where everyone dresses casually, darn it. my old church, we all dressed up, so i wore dresses and skirts all the time. now i need to find occasions to dress up.

i'm going to post pictures of the artwork. i painted some more this afternoon on the acrylic but i feel like i'm rushing through it so i can start all the Christmas projects.

hm, i don't know what else to say right now. i'm sorry that you're still struggling but it does sound like you're able to put on a good face at least. sometimes that helps. sometimes though i find it's best for me to be open about things. it kind of depends for me.

my dad just came home and he's making meatloaf for dinner. my favorite - i'm excited!

life is good. :)

Lynne
 
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Jeshu

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Still cycling fast!

My mood is up and down, feeling sick and good, happy and sad and feeling exhausted as I can't seem to catch a good night sleep even with sleepers.


I'm seeing my psychologist in a hour. I have only one hour to discuss possible hospitalisation. The psych who treats me like dirt, runs the hospital, so when I go psychotic I'm unlikely to trust him caring for me - he will just drug me out as it is and I don't want that.

A contract is what I want, an agreed action plan! Otherwise I'm not going in.

Yvonne, my wife, has to go to Sydney for a whole week, on Friday she is leaving, this would leave me at home with just the boys (ages 21 and 24) and being so unstable this may not work out good for me.

So hospital for some time is high on the agenda.

See you around:wave:
 
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Gerry, hang tough. Let us know (if you can) whether or not you are going to be going in. :hug: We'll continue to be praying for you.

...

I'm feeling crazier by the minute. Crawling out of my skin, exhausted inside and out, just feeling like there's nothing left, no hope left, no nothing. Just me and this. Yet I still don't want to call my NP. (Plus, at this hour, it would be ridiculous - 6:10am - I'd get her for sure but I don't want to be the one waking her up!!)

I hope I can concentrate for today's quiz and exam. It's so hard to study when you feel imaginary, and right now I'm scared to be away from the computer because it's so quiet in the rest of the apartment. I feel like I'm losing it.

:cry:
 
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texannurse

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April - sending many prayers your way - email me if you need to!

Thanks for all your support about my T. Problem is, i feel kinda trapped into the relationship - I've been with him for over 4 years. I don't know what to do. I go see him today and am really nervous. Prayers would be great!

Gerry - hope all goes well for you. I'm praying for you!
TN
 
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Jeshu

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THANKS FOR BEING GOOD FRIENDS I REALLY APPRECIATE THAT!

I'll have a Green Tea today, my mind is that sharp and clear, I don't need more coffee.

My psychologist felt I was better out than in hospital, even with Yvonne gone. He understands that at the moment the psychs there will not treat me fairly. He felt I needed to get a new psych fast.

I have two choices, a free psychiatrist provided by the System, who is a friend with the other two pdocs - as the three of them run the show here - or a private doctor, a new psych who is very humane according to some reports from sick people coming form there.

The free doctor is unlikely to be supportive, the private doctor might be. However he will milk us of all our cash, which isn't much as it is - though my and Yvonne's family as well as the Church would certainly assist us if we go that way, we would still be poor as church rats for the duration of such assessment and treatment.

Another professional person felt that a second diagnoses/opinion could be very beneficial in the long term treatment of myself, especially when it would come to possible hospitalisation. So we also considering it from that angle. Somehow I need to get a report out by professional people/pdoctors that counteract the negative - book of judgements - my official file is like right now.


Currently I'm manic most of the time - sharp, bright, not sleeping, racing speech and mind, yet no voices or psychotic episodes any more after I stopped taking the offending meds, so hopefully it will die down soonish and I will sleep a bit again as I'm not getting much at all - neither am I tired.

Thanks for listening hope all of you stay well.

:wave:
 
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Soulwings

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I hope you make a wise choice, Gerry - not sure which one I would go for!! Perhaps the private one for a short time, just to get a consultation and advice on where to go from here. I don't know, though. :hug: I'll be praying that God guides you well.

I'm glad that hospitalization is out... because it means that you are feeling better. Manic, but hopefully that will calm down soon. It is especially good since you aren't having any psychotic episodes right now. Yey!! hehe.

* Soulwings gets Gerry his green tea. :yum:

...

I am at uni now, in the break between classes. I just finished taking a quiz for my nutrition counseling & ed class, and it was really wicked hard. I'm just hoping I didn't fail, which is REALLY bad for me, since I am normally a straight-A student. Three classes left to the day, and one of them includes part of an exam. Ick. I hope I do okay; it's math and I am horrible at math... prayers would be appreciated!! I need a good grade in this class since it is in my major and I want to keep the 4.0 in my major that I have so far. That's my goal for this semester... :)

I am not feeling the best, scattered and my thoughts are disorganized. If I just typed without correcting myself I would make no sense at all; it takes a lot of focus to get this out and making sense on the "page." I hope I can get through the rest of the day without cracking. Each day is now a struggle... this morning was really, really bad, and I dread going home and being alone tomorrow... mornings are really bad, as are nights. During the day I can kind of keep a grip on myself, keep things real, because I am on campus mostly and anything out of the apartment seems real. The apartment, though, seems imaginary. Jarrod is the only real thing in there.

Anyway. I'm going to stop blabbering; I'm probably not making that much sense. Have a lovely day, everyone, and I'll check in again tonight. ♥
 
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BlessedMommy05

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Hello Everyone

I know its been a few days and so here I am.. My Husband had off Sun,Mon & Tuesday off so yesterday I spent cleaning and this morning was the biopsy appt, and oy I am sore!!!! I'll know the results by Monday of the test they did today.. Just resting today and taking it slow. No chores for me today! But thats ok.. I dont mind resting and taking tylenol and sleeping as much as I can.. The Dr was great, and so was the nurse, they all know its nerve wrecking to go through and test for this stuff.. Blah!

Anyway prayers for those who really need it..:crossrc: :hug: to for those who need it.. I'm so sorry alot of you are going through some rough times.. Be safe and sound ..


Laura :pink:
 
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Jeshu

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Hey guys I got a little sleep last night about 5 hours, very broken but still much better than it has been. I'm feeling heaps calmer even slightly suppressed rather than manic.

Discussed my psych options with Yvonne, she feels I should see a private psych - just to get an other diagnoses - also keeping my PTSD into account for example.

All other psychs have simply ignored this aspect of my personality. It was my psychologist who alerted me to this problem. As soon as he heard of my near fatal sexual assault and saw how I enraged these things had all been and were within, He knew enough.

After I read up on it all at the time, I'm pretty well convinced that such a label does also fits me - alongside all the others I carry. How tender is this is within me and how long have I denied all this to myself? Only God knows about all that! (My tears are running freely just writing this.)

Anyway, I'm doing good and even though a heavy shadow hangs over my life at the moment as my wife Yvonne has to go to Sydney for a week and I'm going to be left home with my boys alone - sick as I am at the moment I'm not looking forward to all this. But Yvonne has to go, mighty Babylon calls, and she can't put it off any longer. So I'm going to have to be strong.

Have a great day.

:wave:
 
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DoubtingThomas29

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Hey there Laura well I hoped you past your test anyways, I got a feeling April past hers though, or better luck next time. I know this is a coffee shop, but I drink diet pop, and I drink about $900 worth of pop a year ahhhh! Time to drink the store brand pop and avoid those expensive twenty ounces.
 
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Well, good afternoon everyone - I checked in this morning but was too tired to post. Blah. I'm now better after two cups of coffee and a little rest (I'm at my parents' - grabbed some rest time on a comfy bed as I was too tired to drive straight home). I'm also currently drinking vanilla almond black tea...... :yum:

...

Laura, hello! :hug: I'm glad to hear that the biopsy is over and done with - I bet you're glad about that too. It sucks that it hurts, but I guess better safe than sorry with that type of thing, right? :hug:

I hope all is well with you and your family today. Rest and relax and enjoy the time when you don't have to do housework. ;) :hug:

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Gerry, glad to hear that you got some good sleep last night. It's really tough to not get a lot of sleep and have to keep going forward in life and all. I know the feeling - struggling with being exhausted today. Sleep helps mania, though, which I've noticed and you have too - calms down. Or else you're calming down anyway and you sleep because of that.... hmmm. :)

I will be praying that you make the wisest decision. The private psych sounds good, at least just for a consultation and new dx, if that's what it takes. You don't have to go to see him/her for a very long time, so that way your finances wouldn't get too drained. I'll also be praying that you be safe and as healthy as possible while Yvonne is away. Sounds like she takes good care of you when things are really rough. :hug:

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I am really tired. Didn't sleep well last night at all - couldn't get comfortable, tossed and turned a lot. Dreamt that I was sexually assaulted and that Jarrod attacked the perpetrator - very scary dream, believe me!! I'm so glad that it was just a dream...

Saw my T today and talked about things for awhile. I was so exhausted that it was hard to focus - feeling better now thanks to caffeine, heh - but we figured some stuff out. I'm at my parents' now, as I stated before, and will be here for another few hours. It's a safe place and a comforting one, much better than being at the apartment alone. My mum is here and it's so nice to have someone to talk with when needed or wanted. My T called my NP and asked her to call my cell phone. I don't have reception here; I'm hoping that when I get back in town and have reception, she'll have left me a message so I know what to do and can get back to her. I don't see her until 6 December, so that's awhile yet.

Not much else going on. I've been doing okay today, since I wasn't at the apartment for very long by myself. Did some homework here, cancelled my tutoring hours (calling in sick, first time ever), and will probably be cancelling karate later today due to exhaustion and need to do other work. Blah.

:hug:s for all. Hope everyone's days are going okay!!
 
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