Feeling sick to my stomach about this

I'm sure you have heard that often folks go back into the same situation as they had as a child.

You are in a difficult situation here. Before marriage it would be a good idea that both of you seek council. Better to do it now than let this problem get worse. It will also help you in the VERY IMPORTANT decision to marry.



ALWAYS REMEMBER:

JESUS IS RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE AT!!! EVEN THOUGH YOU DON'T SEE HIM!!!

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You say that you both are Christians but you don't think your fiance has a "personal relationship" with God. If this is the case he is not a Christian. A Christian by definition is someone who has a personal relationship with Jesus Christ who is the only way to God the Father. John 14:6.

It sounds to me that he most certainly does have a problem with alcohol. Anyone who has to have that much on a regular basis does. As far as the marijuana, that is also a problem. Regardless of how often he smokes it. There have been many studies that prove that people who are heavy drug users started with pot and once they no longer could get high enough from that they "graduated" to the stronger stuff.

To be perfectly honest you are playing with fire and sooner or later you are going to get burned if you continue in this relationship. It sounds to me as if he is trying to excuse or justify his drinking and drug use. You have the chance to end this relationship now and while it will hurt, it will not cost you the pain and agony of an ugly divorce later. While your kids may be attached to him they will get over it. Your kids safety and well being must be your first priority.

You seem to have a lot of contradiction in your relationship with this man. On the one hand you say he treats you well and you and your kids love him, but he drinks heavily and smokes pot. If he was a Christian with a real relationship with God, drinking heavily and smoking pot would not be something he was doing. This is not the fruit of a true Christian. He is clearly "carnally minded" and Paul warns us in Romans 8:6 "To be carnally minded is death, but to be spiritually minded is life and peace"

While drinking alcohol is not a sin, getting drunk is, and I don't care who you are if you are drinking basically two six packs every couple of days, you are going to be drunk. And Paul also says that drunkenness is one of the works of the flesh. Romans 5:21

On the other hand Paul says the one of the fruits of the Spirit is self control Galatians 5:23 anyone who has to have that much beer and smoke pot is not exhibiting self control.

Ultimately it will come down to you. You must seek God in prayer and allow Him to guide you. But from what you have said here this man is a ticking time bomb and if you go through and marry him, it is going to be all the more difficult to end the relationship when it gets worse.

My advice would be to end it but continue to pray for the man and ask God to deal with his life and heart and show him the dangerous error of his choices. Pray that God would show him that he is hurting you and your kids. God can change this man but in the meantime you need to allow God the opportunity and room to do this. If this is the man God has meant for you then He will work it out and this man will come back to you, if not he won't and you will be free from a lot more pain and heartache.

Pray Pray Pray, and then pray some more. Please let God work this out.

In Christ

John

No matter who you wind up with, they will have problems. His problems are fairly reasonable to deal with seeing as "support" is fairly accessible no matter what part of the country you live in.. It's a matter of wanting help. But the other matter of his faith is kinda the big deal. It has already been said that having a personal relationship IS Christianity.. Without a relationship we are just members of a social group.. one with religious over tones.

You asked should you just leave.. First I'd determine if there is any realistic hope for change in his substance issues, and more importantly if he's willing/wanting to step up to a real relationship with God.. If he does this then he'll change everything else. If not, your going to spend the rest of your life preaching to someone who compares his "acts" of goodness to someone worse off than he is.. The problem is no matter how bad you are, or bad things get, there is always someone worse off.. His standards will always change to suit level of comfort in his life style.

No matter what you find, ask yourself can you do this till death do you part? Do you want you kids to grow up in that environment? If yes then stay, if no, then move on.

Even Satan & the demons knew Jesus & His Word.

A personal relationship makes a BIG difference.

Ask your fiancee if he'd be willing to go to a Dream Center.
It started in California, but has spread over the US.
It is Christian based & aims to help people change from addictions of alcohol &/or drugs to a deep relationship with Jesus Christ.

If your fiancee is unwilling to change for his & your sake,
do NOT marry him, it would only lead to heart ache & worse,
maybe even much worse.

Be wary. The issue with alcohol will grow unless he makes a radical change.

John
NZ

drich0150 said:

No matter what you find, ask yourself can you do this till death do you part? Do you want you kids to grow up in that environment? If yes then stay, if no, then move on.

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To me this is very important. You don't want your children to be raised around this kind of behavior. If they see momma marry into this situation then they will think it's ok.

Pray about this alot. I wouldn't do it.

Love,
Kat

Here's my 2 cents.

His problem is with alcohol, not you. One of the most addictive and harmful substances out there. You need to see alcohol as an enemy, and persuade him to believe the same. I think you should tell him that it's killin' him, and you love him too much to want to have to see him go through the pain and suffering brought on by any number of alcohol-related deaths, so either he loses the alcohol, with your help, or he loses you.

Alcohol's nasty, nasty stuff, I rarely go near it, save for when I like the taste of a drink. I rarely drink to get drunk.

If need be, allow him to smoke a bit of green every so often. Believe me, it'll help him get off the alcohol and it isn't nearly as harmful or addictive.

Good luck with it, though, whatever you do.

Since you mentioned you were from an alcoholic home, and with the situation with your fiance, I would strongly recommend you locate an Al-Anon meeting and attend. It would be really beneficial for you to get together with others who have dealt with similiar situations. Here's a link to help you find an Al-Anon meeting in your area http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html

Right now don't focus on the wedding. Postpone or cancel it. When he is sober take a seat with him. Calmly explain to him what is bothering you. Make him aware of the fact that this is affecting the relationship. Then try to find a solutions for his problems together with him.

If he is not willing to work on himself, run. If you leave now, I seriously think he'll just start puffing that marijuana like there's no tomorrow. And let's not forget the drinking.

If he wants to marry you and have a future with you, he's going to have to seriously work on this. This is a problem.

Just keep on praying. It'll be alright.

I, too, came from an alcoholic home and married a pot-smoker. I thought "true love" would conquer all and that once we were married, he would stop partying --- but that didn't happen. At one of his pot-smoking parties, he met someone else and got her pregnant.

These things (substance using) never stay the same or quit on their own --- they only escalate. A person can't drink huge quantities of alcohol every few days and not have it affect the way they feel, the way they drive, and the way they perform at work (and in the bedroom!). A person can't use mind-altering substances and not have it affect the way they think. THIS is the person you want to help raise your children?

If you have a daughter... is this the kind of man you would pick for her?
Surely you realize if you have a girl, she is watching you and the choices you make; she will make similar ones very soon. If you don't have a daughter, but your answer is still "no" --- why would you not want this for a daughter of yours, but feel it's good enough for yourself?

Listen to wild@heart63... his advice is correct. This man is NOT a Christian; he IS an alcoholic pot-smoker and that is also illegal. Are these the examples you want set in front of your children?

Hi Onefaith,

As others have mentioned, he's not saved. However, one of my concerns when reading your post is whether you guys are sleeping together. If this is the case and you want God's help, then you need to repent so there's no sin hindering God's involvement in your life. We can pray all we like, but if there's unrepentant sin in our lives, then we are seriously hindering God's favour.

Try to have some time in prayer every day. Talk to God about these issues with your fiance and ask for His wisdom and direction.

The next step is postpone the wedding. Things are on a downhill slide and it will be a disaster to get married under the current circumstances. It will be difficult as you love him, but it's the right thing to do - not only by God, but the right thing for yourself and your children.

The other thing is attending a bible-believing church. How often are you in church at the moment? Do you have relationships with other women in the church who can provide Godly advice? Is the pastor approachable for advice? You need to be around some solid christian women during this time, for your sanity and support.

Are you prepared to live with this behavior for the rest of your life? Are you willing to tolerate when the behavior increases (as addiction inevitably does)? Are you willing to have your children have an addict as a role model? Are you willing to be committed and unequally yoked to someone who doesn't have a personal relationship to your Savior? Is it ok for your children to see Jesus as an option and not Savior? These are all hard questions you really need to ask yourself and answer rationally, not emotionally.

It's important to go into a marriage with someone you respect and who shares your most precious values. So many women go into it thinking that things will change, and they rarely do. In fact, the behavior that you see now will probably increase.

It sounds like the Holy Spirit has already told you what's right for you and your children and you need the courage to acknowledge it. I urge you to listen to that voice. God will provide

ChartreuseRose said:

Right now don't focus on the wedding. Postpone or cancel it. When he is sober take a seat with him. Calmly explain to him what is bothering you. Make him aware of the fact that this is affecting the relationship. Then try to find a solutions for his problems together with him.

If he is not willing to work on himself, run. If you leave now, I seriously think he'll just start puffing that marijuana like there's no tomorrow. And let's not forget the drinking.

If he wants to marry you and have a future with you, he's going to have to seriously work on this. This is a problem.

Just keep on praying. It'll be alright.

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Ding! Preparing for a wedding day or event is no where near as important as preparing for the lifetime after.