so confused...

I don't understand why God doesn't change me.
I am homosexual, I'm married, I have fallen in sin so many times..
and I am trying, really, to let go.
I've talked to people, I've shared things that I never thought I could talk to anyone about.. I have had prayer, deliverance... everything I can to try to deal with this..
But...it's still there.. and sometimes I feel it will never go away.
I want to be what God wants me to be... but I don't know how to.
And at the moment the guilt I feel and the judgement of other Christians is making me want to give up altogether..

I don't know why I'm posting this... or even whether I will.
But, please, pray for me. I am at the end of myself... and I need God's guidance desperately.

Praying for you--

Satan can make you think this way.

Leave it to God. Really, leave it to God.

praying for you! Have you ever spoken with a pastor or someone you trust about this? I hope you can find the strength to reach out to someone in the "real" world,, although all of us here will be happy to help however we can. TN

FindingaWay said:

I don't understand why God doesn't change me.
I am homosexual, I'm married, I have fallen in sin so many times..
and I am trying, really, to let go.

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Did you know that you are created exactly as G-d intended you, to be the woman He intended you to be? Dear one, I'm not suggesting that you break your marriage vows and live a homosexual lifestyle but rather than He knew each of us while He was knitting us in the womb. He loves you as you are! He loves that you want to please Him. And I'm confident that He gave to you exactly what He knew you'd need to get through this.

I've talked to people, I've shared things that I never thought I could talk to anyone about.. I have had prayer, deliverance... everything I can to try to deal with this..
But...it's still there.. and sometimes I feel it will never go away.

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Sometimes when I'm praying for something and nothing seems to be happening I just check and see if maybe what I'm praying for isn't "on the mark." For example, Dear One, what if G-d does not choose to remove this thorn from your side, but He wants to use you and your struggle to encourage/show other young people that just because they feel homosexual yearnings they can CHOOSE to walk the godly path. If you remember, Paul said that he had a thorn in his side for his whole life and G-d chose not to take it away.

Now, I'm not saying that living a life with a big ol' thorn is easy! Oh no! It's hard, it's painful, and there can be a lot of suffering! But our way is not always easy and G-d doesn't guarantee us that we will always be "happy" (whatever that is). We can learn to be content where we are! We can learn to give thanks even in our suffering! And we can make the conscious decision to DO G-d's will every minute of the day to His glory!

I want to be what God wants me to be... but I don't know how to.

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I actually have a suggestion for you that really helped me. When I was going through my divorce, I was SO MAD at G-d. I was a good and faithful wife--and sure I had fallen away from Him a bit but MAN! What did I do to deserve THIS? Right? One day I was reading the bible and go to the verse: "In EVERYTHING give thanks for this is the will of G-d in Christ Jesus concerning you." Note that it doesn't say "When life is going your way give thanks..." or "When everything is easy give thanks..." it says "IN EVERYTHING" so I began thanking G-d for my singleness. I began thanking G-d that I had to depend on Him to pay for some things. I began thanking G-d that He loved me enough to teach me.

Findaway, I would suggest that you begin to pray and give thanks for the very things that are hurting you right now. Praise GOD that He sent this struggle into your life so that you could learn what obeying means! Thank G-d He made you homosexual so you can choose to have sex in a way that pleases G-d! See what I mean? And I know you're going to choke on it a little at first but stay at it and I suspect it may help.

And at the moment the guilt I feel and the judgement of other Christians is making me want to give up altogether.

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Oh my heavens, Dear One, I'm so sorry! I'm sorry your brothers and sisters in Christ are letting you down that way instead of coming to you in love to help you have the strength to do the right thing. I'm also sorry they seem to have forgotten the humility of their OWN sinful nature. No worries though Lovely--I'm sure those big ol' poles make it easy to see your little toothpick Anyway, we have ALL sinned and fallen short of the glory of G-d...even me! Oh if you knew what was in my heart you would probably cringe, but that's okay because G-d loves me and He loves you too. And we choose to NOT continue in sin for His glory, sis, don't we?

I don't know why I'm posting this... or even whether I will.
But, please, pray for me. I am at the end of myself... and I need God's guidance desperately.

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You know I pray for you every night, right? If not here's a reminder for ya:

Hi FindingaWay! I also suffered from homosexuality and asked that same question you have there.

To POSSESS homosexual feelings and to LIVE a homosexual lifestyle are two VERY different things in the eyes of God. Indeed, the Bible mentions a lot of things about God hating homosexuality but those are always in the context of a SINFUL LIFESTYLE. The Lord loves those who possess homosexual feelings but DO NOT LIVE it.

If you're going to take a look at the bigger picture, what is the difference between an ordinary person and a homosexual in terms of vulnerability towards lust and sin? Is the homosexual more prone to lust/sin than the other? Not at all. They both lust but only on different objects. For ALL have sinned (Romans 3:23), and in the eyes of the Lord, ALL sins are equal therefore ALL sinners deserve death (Romans 6:23) regardless of the amount of sins committed.

My brother, we don't know when God will lift up that "sickness." But I think we're missing a greater point here. It's not about coming out of sufferings but it's how you grab the most out of that suffering TO GLORIFY GOD. I myself am still under that same storm you are in. I myself do not know when the storm will come out. But above all these, I continue to seek His glory so that I may be able to testify about His greatness to other people.

Another thing: What is your definition of a real man? Is it based on physical appearance? On feelings? On attitude? David, during his last days, told his son Solomon to be a real man. But what does he truly mean by saying that? I hope you base your answer to my question on the Bible because only in there can you find what God wants you to be. I'm not telling that having homosexual feelings is good but I want you to re-focus your attention. It's not about how people look at you but it's about how His Highness looks at you. And in His sight, are you a real man?

I hope God speaks through this message. I'll be praying for you! God bless! =)

There are many issues related to homosexuality and people vary in their capacity to live with it. Sometimes really good, professional counseling can give useful insights, but such counseling is very expensive and hard to find.

Deliverance is not the answer either.

Are you aware of any background factors that might have contributed - sexual trauma, family discord etc?

John
NZ