Support thread for ED/SI/etc ... come on in! *poss. trig* (5)

*hugs* April, I understand about the flashbacks. Just know thats your past, not your present/furture. You can overcome.

Thanks, Sabrina, for the encouragement. I know it's the past... but it's so hard, because it's impacting the present. Jarrod... we're getting married in less than two weeks... and it hurt, physically, to have him touch me on Saturday night, because I was "feeling the past" so much. I wanted him to hold me, but I couldn't... it hurt, and I was terrified. I'm so scared that I'm going to freeze up when we're married... but we're going to talk about that with our pastor tomorrow (last premarital counseling session).



How are you doing? Girls, how are things??

I'm praying for you April. The past can be a horrible thing to face again, esp when the feelings come back so strong. But like Sabrina said, it is the past. And Jarrod is safe. Hopefully your appt with the pastor will help you to deal with it and to not be so afraid of his touch.
TN

Tn!! *tackle squish* I got your email, have missed you bunches and bunches.

I am working through the memories... came online to actually journal some more out... am remembering more bits and pieces and it is scary. My NP is starting me on a med to help with the physiological stuff that comes with the memories... my seventh med. Oh well. If they work, they work...

*hugs* April, Im so happy your talking to your pastor about this and getting it out in the open. Im sure he will have some good advice and send alot of encouragment to you. Stay strong

Speaking to your pastor should help quite a bit. Even just getting to get your thoughts and feelings out can help. Stay strong and just remember to focus on the future. Anything in the past doesn't 'have' to control your future, you can have a better future!

As for an update for me...well:
I've made it to the doctor.
I was supposed to go yesterday, but apparently they made a mistake and
they forget to get me in the computer. So I had to go back today as a
walk-in, which I ended up waiting an hour in the waiting room. I was
just about ready to get out of there. But I waited.
So the doctor and I talked. He suggested that my husband come to the
appointments with me, just to make sure he's up to date with
everything and know what's going on. Plus just as support. He also put
me on prozac, we'll see how that goes. I haven't been on that one
since high school. At that point it didn't do much for me, but we
shall see. I also have a referral to a psychiatrist, just need to make
that appointment. Other than that got to go back in 3 weeks to see the
doctor.
Now for a more 'exciting' story (definitely not really exciting, but
yea). So the doctor of course also wanted a blood test to make sure
everythings fine...well blood test didn't go so well. They called me
into the lab to get my blood drawn. They did all the prep, then tried
to find a vein. Stuck the needle in but apparently didn't catch the
vein so nothing was going into the tube. She kept trying to get the
needle in but wasn't working so had to start over. At that point I
wasn't feeling too great but wasn't that bad. Decided to try the other
arm, she found the vein, but I started getting worse. I knew I was
going to faint I could just feel it. So she pulled the needle out and
had me put my head down and try to push her arm up with my head. Then
next thing I remember is an alarm sounding and some how a bunch of
people around me asking me all these questions. Basically just asking
if I'm still with them and if I knew where I was and all that. They
had me lay down and they hooked me up to an EKG. I guess my heart was
irregular and I was pale white. So basically they kept standing over
me and waiting for things to change, or if they didn't take me to the
hospital. Luckily my heart got back on track after some rest and they
had me drink a sprite as well to up my sugar level. Anywho...not so
great of an experience. I've had things like this happen before, but
not exactly. I've fainted one other time AFTER I was walking out of
the lab, and there were 2 other times that I came close AFTER the
blood draw. But it's never happened during and I'm just not sure why
it happened. In any case, they obviously couldn't do the blood draw
today, so now I have to go back...I just really hope this doesn't
happen again.

Keep strong everyone and just remember there is hope!

*hugs* everyone...
April, i hope talking with the pastor helps and things start getting better for you... sorry to hear u are having such a hard time with the flashbacks... but well done on keeping to your goals with eating...

and ark, that sounds scary with the blood draw... i have had a similar experience while having blood taken too... passed out while they were taking the blood... i felt so sick... /couldnt breathe... so i know how much of a nasty experience it is! *hugs* i hope you are feeling better now and that your next attempt goes better... just maybe try and make sure you drink plenty of water before you ahve to go...

Sounds scary Ark, just glad you made it through-I hope it doesnt happen again though. Praying for you. I hope your taking care of yourself, or do you just get nauseous when people draw your blood?
how are you Becky?

I'm new to this part...denial or something like it. I am bulimic, or rather, have purging tendencies as I don't fit in the little diagnostic box due to my body weight.

I'm not doing well and could use some support.

thanks for the replies guys

oddbeani, you can definitely find support here. I've never liked how they have a 'weight requirement' to have a disorder. I don't think the weight should matter, because a lot of times the ones that aren't severely underweight are the ones that end up having the most problems because doctors just ignore them. But anywho, that aside, it can be tough, I just forced myself to go to the doctors to talk about mine. Mainly only because of my husband, but I still went so I guess that counts for something. Just hang in there and stay strong, even though it can be hard sometimes. Also know that it might help you a lot to talk with a doctor or especially a therapist of some sort. Just keep pushing on!

lovestruepassion, usually the drawing of blood isn't a problem for me, usually it was after it was all done and I was walking out of the building that my body would decide it wanted to collapse. This was the first time that it happened before they even drew any blood. Though I think (can't be positive but it's my guess) what happened was when she ended up not getting the needle in the vein the first time and moving the needle around, the pain kinda triggered in my mind that it hurt to much so wanted to shut down and then once she stuck that needle in the second arm it was just kind of it for my body. But that's only a guess, who knows why my body does some of the things it does.

I think I may be going back this morning to take care of it....so hopefully I don't pass out again..especially since I have to work this afternoon.

Keep hold of the light everyone! We can make it through to see the light.

Welcome Oddbeani, I hope we can offer support to you. Feel free to open up about it all here. Im sorry your struggling though at the moment. We all go through ups and downs with this disorder and its very hard to fight. What gets me through is thinking 'this could be my last day' and thinking upon that makes me want to use my time for good and not this controlling disorder. I sacrafice my time with anorexia for God. I give it all up to him because I know their is an amazing reward in heaven.

And I second Sabrina's welcome, OddBeani. Welcome to this board - I hope that you can find the support you need - the girls here are awesome. I'm April, and I'm pretty sure I've seen you around the forums elsewhere.

I completely disagree with the weight requirements for labels of AN and BN. It's ridiculous... because as Ark said, it is most often the ones who are at a "normal" weight or even "overweight" who have the most problems, because no one sees that they have a problem, or believes them if the sufferers say that they do.

Sabrina, how're you doing?? Shannie, Bec, Katey, Kerin, Ari, you girls around??

s to all.

Arrrrggggh one thing that gets me fired up is the weight requirement too! Obviously whoever made that up has never had an ED or understands them. You can be any size and have an eating disorder. Eating disorders do not discriminate. Its a mental illness, and I wish people would stop looking at people saying 'well they obviously dont have an ed, or they obviously do'...its MENTAL...it affects you physically yes, but it has to do with the mind...
Im well April, been pretty healthy today! I just didnt exercise which is causing me a bit of anxiety....exercise always makes me feel secure...but eh..Ill be okay!and yourself?

Hi girls!
Welcome Ark and Oddbeani! I'm sorry you need to be here but I'm glad you found us if it will help. If that makes sense. I hope it does.
Sorry I've been away, my computer has died and I'm not usually comfortable using any other computer and visiting any website relating to ED. But i'm home alone right now os I figured I could do it and then delete my history
April, I'm sorry you are struggling with flashbacks and everything. I hope the meds help. How is uni going?
Sabrina, hope the anxiety isn't too bad after not getting to exercise. Remember it's healthy to take a break sometimes I hope you get a chance to do something else to relieve your anxiety instead.
Becky, I hope you are doing ok. Good luck with uni and everything else you have going.

Hi Everyone

computer is back home and well - it is slow however - I don't know why. My dad is more the expert - and even he needs to call tech support people for help.

I don't know exactly how to say how I am doing - a few days ago I was literally feeling terrorized by sui thoughts - the thoughts are not all gone right now by a longshot but the degree of intensity is a wee bit numb right now. I'm scared for when the terror feeling strikes again. eeek

The weight stays the same - same - same. I was a few pounds lighter when I bought some jeans that were already meant to be on the snug side. I'm trying to get back down to the weight I was when I bought the jeans - if I can save myself from gaining any more weight - I can do this but I can't believe how HARD IT IS to be a proper weight and not feel like I have to sacrifice satisfaction from eating my food. It should not have to be this way. I simply want to feel like "normal" people feel when they eat - I want to be satisfied just like they are - but I seem to have to pay a price for it - weightwise - I don't understand this anymore, really.

Anyway hello to you Oddbeani (and I think I said hello to Ark too awhile back) You know what - I swear I saw your username somewhere else on CF - but where, I forgot.

hi everyone... i think ive said welcome to ark... if not welcome and welcome oddbeani...
and *hugs* for everyone else...
sorry i dont have long enough to respond to everyones posts but im praying for youall...

i just really needed to post... im having a bit of a panic attack because the end of semester exam timetable came out today... and well mmine is really really bad... exams go over a two week period... i ahve five exams and they are on the third, fourth, fifth, sixth and seventh of november... all in the first week of exams so i dont even have an extra week to study for them!!! ahhh... im majorly freaking out... i need to go start stdying... ill post again soon...

Shannie! Hi how are you?
Sorry about those thoughts ladybug, however God is the medicine you should turn to. I know those thoughts are scary and sometimes we dont know why they just pop inj our heads, I went through trying to commit suicide a couple times three years ago and it was horrible that I had ever come to that point in my life. Its sad and depressing thinking about it, but what helped me was alot of prayer and just asking Jesus to take those thoughts and put them on his shoulders and not try and carry it all my own.

Ahhh a lot of posts!!! Hehe, always makes me happy to see my thread being used... although I think the long-lasting coffee shop kind of went "poof." :-(

Let's see... s

Sabrina, Shannie is right - sometimes a break is needed from exercise - although I do understand what you mean. Deviating from a routine can be anxiety-provoking... especially if it's a healthy routine to which you are accustomed!! I hope you didn't get too anxious about it, though. Do you exercise every day?? And I'm very glad that you're being healthy, proud of you, girl.

...

Shannie, glad to see you again. I used to be anxious about visiting pretty much any sites except hotmail on computers that weren't mine, until I discovered that you can delete certain things from the history. That helped me a lot so now I come on here even when I'm at uni.

How has eating been? have you been doing anything exciting the past few days/weeks? (I forget how long it's been since you last posted)

...

Ladybug, welcome back!! s Glad to hear that you got your computer fixed - it's so hard to live without them. Kind of silly actually - hard to believe that once upon a time people did. I'm so glad I have one - my friends live in it!!

I'm sorry to hear about the suicidal thoughts. Remember, though - and I don't know if this will help at all - that suicide is not at all worth it. It really isn't. You miss out on so much. Your life may not seem like there's much in it to enjoy, but... if you actually do attempt/commit, then you have no idea what you're losing out on. I've attempted twice in the past and been hospitalized four times for sui thoughts... but I am learning that it is really not worth it. I know that knowing that intellectually doesn't help the thoughts... but like Sabrina said, try taking the thoughts "captive to Christ" (forget where in the Bible it says that, but it does help). Jesus is your Friend and your Brother, and He is there to help you in your spiritual journey. He will help carry your burdens - or completely carry them, if you only have strong enough faith and are willing to relinquish control (don't know if many people can actually do that, I know I haven't been able to - yet!!). Strong faith is a hard thing to develop, especially when life just seems to suck... but know that we're here and that you can talk about "that type of stuff" any time.

...

Bec, are you managing to take care of yourself somewhat? eating at least a little? cos otherwise you won't be able to handle exams... that sounds like a wicked schedule. I'll be praying that you handle it okay... please, please take care of yourself, sis. You deserve it, whether you believe that or not.

...

Uni is going okay. I'm pretty much swamped with work, and am alternating posting on CF and doing work. It sucks.... but I am getting stuff done. Hoorah.

I'm getting married in a week. Packed some more today. I don't want to trigger Ladybug (sorry if I did already :o), so if you want to hear more details, feel free to PM (but don't feel obligated to do so ).

Very tired. I went to bed at seven forty the night before last, and eight fifteen last night. Got up at five forty five this morning, though, to get started on homework. (Actually, to be honest, I read in bed for a little while before getting up.) I know, I know, I'm a weirdo for getting up so early on a weekend. Hehe.

I wish they had a positive "sigh" smiley, cos that's how I'm feeling now. Kind of tired but not really that low. Just... tired. But happy, cos J is coming over now.

s to all.

April, yeah I exercise everday. I try to go for thrity to sixty minutes a day. I think thats healthy and plus I eat very well so its not excessive and its not like Im burning everything I eat because I make up for it. I just miss my exercise, makes me feel lazy without it.
Ahhh April it does sound like your happy Im excited for you and hope the rest of your day stays positive!Ill pm you!!

im so excited for you april!!!
i just wanted to pop on to let you all know that i probably wont be posting much/if at all over the next month until my exams are over... ill still pop in to read and catch up on how everyone is going every now and then.
april... no im not really eating and im not really getting much sleep either... but im trying... im really trying to just get through ieach day...

anwyays... i have to go to a dance rehearsal... yay this is going to be a fun 4 hours...
take care everyone!
love you!