Support thread for ED/SI/etc ... come on in! *poss. trig* (5)

Ladybug I'm sorry to hear about the temper thing... hard sometimes to keep a good mood going all of the time. And also sorry to hear that you are feeling bad... keep hanging in there... I will be praying that you are able to seek help soon.

Bec I wish that you could've eaten some... you were so busy!! I can't understand how you can handle all of that (well, I guess you aren't handling it superbly, but you are still doing everything and I know that I couldn't!!). Please try to eat some today, and keep hanging in there and remember to "keep on keeping on." You can make it through the tough spots. I know you can. And God is there... remember that.

Sabrina How are you doing today?? I know what you mean about feeling like Jeremy can see the fat on you... but you are not fat (and are gorgeous, btw ). I'm worried about the same with Jarrod... once we're married he has the privilege to see my fat (heh). And I do feel fat a lot of the time, and objectively I know that I can lose weight and still be healthy. Blah. I hate fat days.

I started the Focalin this morning and am feeling awake but not hypomanic. This is a good thing. I got some stuff done and feel good about that too, finally being productive. This weekend really sucked for that. So exhausted.

Anything exciting going on this week for anyone?

So glad your feeling good today April and the meds seem to help a bit!!

Its all in our heads the 'fat' feeling, but its still there no matter if its not true! I hate that feeling, its like your crawling in your skin. Our men love us for who we are, not our size! I have to keep reminding myself of that when it comes to being close to Jeremy-I have to try to keep focused that he loves me the way I am-he thinks Im beautiful no matter what. Just gotta hammer that in my head hard!
Today Im feeling pretty good-breakfast went fine-lunch I ate a bit too much-or too much in my mind and considered purging,I couldnt stand the fullness of my stomach, but I didnt do it thankfully. Dinner time is here and Im excited about it, we are having a really nice healthy meal

Hi girls!

Ladybug,
I hope you are feeling better now. Don't beat yourself up about losing your temper, it happens to all of us. Especially online, so many people pretty inflammatory things, at least that's how it seems to me. How are you doing today??

Becky,
I'm sorry things are so busy and you are struggling. I hope you are able to do something nice for yourself, even something small.

April,
I'm glad the Focalin is helping. How is school going? I'm sorry you had an unproductive weekend. I hope you got to do something fun instead.

Sabrina,
I'm sorry you were struggling I hope you enjoyed your dinner and it wasn't as hard as lunch was for you. I know what you mean about worrying about what other people (particularly the special men in our lives) think about us. I worry about what my J thinks about me all the time, but like you say, we need to remember people love us for who we are and not our size. I don't care about the important people in my life based on their weight so I don't know why I think they would determine my value like that.

Have a great day everyone!!

hi guys

I hadn't checked this thread all day - I didn't realize my name was mentioned - of course in a good way

tonight is a bad bad night, the statement in my head is pounding "I just don't want to live, I just don't want to live" - but it's not related to ED.

So I don't know how appropriate or relevant it is here. Something triggered these statements in my head - *shudder*

I can't really read threads (well I didn't even open it - just saw the title) about someone expecting a child with their spouse and I anticipate the sentimentality that is in the thread that I don't open -

I'm so sensitive to this subject - even "sui" - but as I said - if it's not eating disorder related I don't know if I should say anything - granted though my depression is the thing that is causing me to eat so much.

somehow I feel a little behind over here in this thread - I don't know what made me not check this today...

Sooo true Shannie! Thanks for reminding me, I never look at anyones weight and hold that to their value-Im sure no one does that to me. Weight shouldnt matter, somehow though in my head it will not stop being so loud.
How are you though, Shannie?

Im sorry your going through a rough patch Ladybug :-(, *hugs* your worth more than you think, you deserve to live. God has a purpose for you, every minute your here has a beautiful meaning for him.

Hi Sabrina,
Strange how we can logically know something makes no sense but it can still be so strong a thought in our heads. I'm sorry the thoughts about weight are being so loud. As you keep fighting your ED they will get less and less I think, but it's definitely a hard process.

Which leads in to how I am, which is ok for now but I feel like I'm going to start sliding. I know that sounds weird, but while my eating is ok I can feel my thoughts starting to become less recovery oriented. But, I guess the fact I can recognize the pattern means I should be able to stop it right? I am not giving up, just feeling a bit frustrated and tired tonight. I don't have anyone who understands and it just feels lonely sometimes. Just me and my ED...not a combination I like at all. I'm very glad to have you girls here so I can talk about it a bit.

Ladybug,
I'm so sorry you are having such a rough time. I wish I could do something and take away all the pain everyone here is in. If talking helps keep posting here. I'm praying for you.

ok guys - I'll keep posting here - it's good to feel welcome in a place like this - not easy to find such venues.

if I could pay to go the doctor and try meds - I would practically consider it - I can't do it though - and it looks like I don't heed your possible advice - I can't tell you in enough words that this is not true.

it is a terrorizing (yes, nothing short of it) feeling to have these sui thoughts constantly - I mean it's constantly - a voice in my head going "KILL ME!! I DON'T WANT TO LIVE!"

the only thing stopping me right now is I don't have the guts also - I fear eternal consequences - that is a debateable issue though - but I will not risk eternal torture because of something irrevocable I did on earth.

these thoughts are not directly related to my ED - although I will say that depression has made me eat very much.

a few days ago I felt ever so slightly less in pain - but that was so temporal - someone said to me that sometimes it looks like God is answering a prayer but it is actually the devil masquerading as God and it's not really God helping and Satan entraps you further that way - it's so creepy I hope this is NOT true.

I have a theory as to why it is worse lately - but it can't be said here I'm debating whether or not to tell anyone in PM...

anyway not to worry guys I will not do anything to myself. for the record (and you'll unfortunately never know this) you would not be able to tell in person that I'm someone who has constant terrorizing pain in the head - you'd likely think I was this sweet lady with a nice smile and who is so nice and sweet to people (I think in my heart I AM) - which does not make an iota of sense - how can I be this way on the inside when I look the complete opposite on the outside?

ladybug,

I'm glad you decided to keep posting.

I'm so sorry you are struggling so much. I hate the thought you can't get the help you deserve. Sorry if I suggest something that isn't helpful, I'm in Canada so our health care is different...I don't fully understand the American system .

Do you have a hot line number you could call if you need to talk to someone? I know it's not the same as having support from family and friends, but maybe it would help? I fully admit that I have never tried one, so I'm not very knowledgeable, but I see it suggested frequently by the mods on another forum I visit, so I thought there must be some value. And if this is not helpful, I'm sorry and definitely just ignore it.

In response to what you said about seeming like a sweet lady, I disagree that you are the complete opposite inside. I think you seem like a very sweet lady who is nice to other people, but who is dealing with a tremendous amount of pain. But that doesn't change that you still are that nice person people see, just that there is another side of you people don't know about, if that makes sense? It's not like you are only one or the other. However I do understand the thought that people perceive you differently than you see yourself. People i know think I have everything so together...if only they knew just eating properly takes up a good part of my time that they think I use being so productive. Sometimes I just want to scream at them and tell them how I really feel, but I never will. Sorry, I'm rambling, I don't know if I'm making sense.

I hope you feel better. Can you do something relaxing like take a bath or journal??

not rambling Shannie

you're right now that I think about it - I think inside I am a sweet lady too - but just deal with a lot of pain.

I actually totally forgot about a hotline - I really did. someone gave me a number for it but I forgot it. I feel really shy about calling those things - I'm not a telephone person but that's not an excuse, I know.

I think I can try to do something to relax me like going outside to get some fresh air when I go to the library - there's great places to sit off the library property - and it's soothing to sit there on a nice afternoon - I can't do that everyday though or else I won't get my necessary stuff done in the library though - I kinda have to pick days in which I don't feel there's a lot to do - those days do come around here and there.

I also can read and do some praying as well. I haven't listened to some soothing music for awhile - but some music just doesn't make me feel better so I avoid certain kinds. I know what to avoid and what not, pretty much.

Wow, it has been busy!!! which is fantastic. I am so glad that my thread is helping people, hehe. Keep posting, ladies. s

Shannie, I wonder if everyone here at CF has a significant other whose name begins with a J! You are the third person besides me who has that... Anyway. How are you doing? I hope that you aren't sliding as you feared... I understand what you mean about the thoughts becoming unhealthy even though the eating is still going okay - I think a lot of us here struggle with that as well.

Sabrina, I'm glad that you didn't purge. How was that dinner? I hope it was lovely!! How are things going now? did the job interview go okay?

Ladybug, I'm so sorry to hear that you are struggling... but so glad to hear that you feel welcome here. Feel free to post about whatever... and also, if you need someone to talk with via PM, I'm here. I know I'm not super active here (have been more on the bipolar board lately, tsk tsk) but I am on CF multiple times daily, so yeah. Anyway... I hope that you are doing somewhat better today. Keep hanging in there and focusing on being healthy. How has eating been lately?

...

I am hanging in there. I have an accountability phone buddy (the girl I mentioned awhile previously) - we are talking on the phone every night - setting goals for the next day and reporting on them the following evening. She doesn't have an ED but struggles from stress and that causes her not to eat as much as she should, so she really gets that, more than any of my other non-ED'd friends do. I'm trying to convince her to join CF.

Not much is new, really. I got back the really tough Lifecycle exam I took (and mentioned awhile ago as well), and got an eighty-four in the class, eighty-nine with extra credit, ninety with the retest (fifteen questions that most people missed). So I was among the top eight people in the class... hehe. That made my day. I'm normally not a B/B+ student, but in that class... let's just say that a B+ is wonderful when you think you failed an exam.

Time for breakfast. I'm aiming to eat all of my meals today and have some snacks as well... I ate a scarily "high" number of calories yesterday, but me being me, it was below normal range and enough for me to justify taking a walk if I wanted (not counting the rushing around campus that I do every day). Yey!!

s to all.

Hey everyone, basically shall get to introducing myself, as I'm sure most will be wondering who I am But I shall get to that part.
Anywho, first I wanted to say that you all seem like very strong people. It may not seem like it, but you are because you are all here right now, today. It may seem like you are struggling, which you are, but you are still here today to prove that you still have a strong will to live.
I have one more suggestion for you Ladybug, you said you don't like to call, I'm with you on that one. I can also relate to the suicidal thoughts and all that. One great place I have found, basically a hotline, you don't have to call (but you can if you wanted to), they offer an online chat support deal (at least they did a couple years ago when I went on, but I'm pretty sure they still have it). So if you are interested, I don't have the exact website, but Dawson McAllister offers a whole lot for support with just about everything. Just a thought anyway.

OK, for my intro, well I've been struggling with an ED for 4-5 years now, though have had a problem with food and my weight since I was 4. I am anorexic, but once I got out of the hospital I started purging as well (since I wanted people to 'think' I was still cured). So now it's basically anorexia with bulimia characteristics, or something like that. Basically I've been struggling a lot lately with it, though I keep telling myself I'm going to figure something out to stop all this. On Monday I have to go back to the doctors to figure out what to do with me so things don't end up like last year, which nearly ruined my life (another story for another time, if anyone is interested anyway). I guess that's the basics..the main thing is I want to get better at least for my husband and God. Plus I want to get rid of this stupid depression so I'm not laying down doing nothing but thinking for hours on end.

Hey Ark Welcome aboard, glad to see your first post in here.

What you have now is AN-P... at least, I'm pretty sure that that is the official dx. I'm sorry to hear that you've not been doing that well, sounds like life's been pretty tough (as I suppose it has been for us all). I'm glad to hear, though, that you want to get better. That is fantastic.

So yes. Welcome. And btw, there is a number screen, so we can't see any of the numbers that you posted (age, duration of your ED).

The dinner was great April thanks for asking...it was very relaxing with Jeremy-we talked over dinner and it made me forget about the food/anxiety.
The job interview went well! I got the job!! Thanks the Lord
Great job on the grades April!!!

Welcome Ark angel-sorry your here-I hate seeing anyone in here dealing with all this-but nonetheless I hope we can offer support to you

Soulwings said:

Ladybug, I'm so sorry to hear that you are struggling... but so glad to hear that you feel welcome here. Feel free to post about whatever... and also, if you need someone to talk with via PM, I'm here. I know I'm not super active here (have been more on the bipolar board lately, tsk tsk) but I am on CF multiple times daily, so yeah. Anyway... I hope that you are doing somewhat better today. Keep hanging in there and focusing on being healthy. How has eating been lately?

Click to expand...

today I feel like there's been a little bit of release - I had to be candid with someone about something that had been bothering me - and it's finally out on the table. I'm really, really sad about it - and although it was very difficult for me to spit it out - it's gone now. It will take me a long time to heal though.

Eating could be better though - grrr.

ark_angel said:

I have one more suggestion for you Ladybug, you said you don't like to call, I'm with you on that one. I can also relate to the suicidal thoughts and all that. One great place I have found, basically a hotline, you don't have to call (but you can if you wanted to), they offer an online chat support deal (at least they did a couple years ago when I went on, but I'm pretty sure they still have it). So if you are interested, I don't have the exact website, but Dawson McAllister offers a whole lot for support with just about everything. Just a thought anyway.

OK, for my intro, well I've been struggling with an ED for 4-5 years now, though have had a problem with food and my weight since I was 4. I am anorexic, but once I got out of the hospital I started purging as well (since I wanted people to 'think' I was still cured). So now it's basically anorexia with bulimia characteristics, or something like that. Basically I've been struggling a lot lately with it, though I keep telling myself I'm going to figure something out to stop all this. On Monday I have to go back to the doctors to figure out what to do with me so things don't end up like last year, which nearly ruined my life (another story for another time, if anyone is interested anyway). I guess that's the basics..the main thing is I want to get better at least for my husband and God. Plus I want to get rid of this stupid depression so I'm not laying down doing nothing but thinking for hours on end.

Click to expand...

Hi Ark welcome here. The online chat thing sounds interesting - especially for phone-phobes like me lol. Dawson McAllister sounds like someone I should google.

Ladybug-getting things out is a BIG step! Im so glad you had the courage to do so.

Hi ladies!!

How is everyone doing today?? s

I am very perky because I am caffeinated and have also taken my Focalin, which really boosts me for a few hours. But I'm going to crash around noon... so I better enjoy this high while I have it.



How is eating going??

I have been eating at all the mealtimes... meeting my goals... yey. My phone buddy is really helping me.

Miss you girls. s

Hi

My computer at home is out of commission til Monday - so I am definitely going to have to hang in there

thanks for the welcome everyone!!

Definitely hang in there ladybug, you can do it!

Certainly glad that you have been keeping up with your meals soulwings! That's awesome, keep up that strength!
(sorry if I forgot any other replies here)

As for how I'm doing, well, off and on again, just all depends on the day I guess. Pretty much my emotions and how I"m feeling are constant, for the most part....sadly depression sets in sometimes at the most random times. The worst is when I just start crying for no reason...sounds so stupid I know. Anywho, stay strong everyone and I shall try to do the same! Only two more days until I see the doc....scariness

Ladybug, hang tough. You can make it... how have you been doing? s

Ark, I hope your doc appt goes well... keep us updated. I understand the crying for no reason - it may feel stupid - but it's not. It's just a symptom of the depression with which many of us are struggling.

I'm struggling a lot with flashbacks/memories of sexual assault/molestation from years ago... it is so hard. I skipped supper last night, ended up eating around nine pm because I hadn't had enough calories during the day. But at least I ate...

s for all.