I'll ignore the slander and get right to the meat of the issue.
If you truly meant what you said before, then you
are putting sex above your spouse. You said that people who don't want to have regular sex shouldn't get married. Obviously a person who doesn't want sex regularly isn't a person you would want to be married to. But you
are married to someone who doesn't want sex regularly. So in effect what you're saying is "I don't enjoy being married to my wife BECAUSE she doesn't want sex regularly".
That is putting sex above your spouse. Do you want to put your spouse first? Then forget your needs and stop expecting her to meet them. What do you think
she needs right now? Your job in the marriage is to see
her needs met, not your own.
If you want to talk biblical, and I'm glad you do, then open one up and see how your attitude compares to the example of Christ. He could have easily demanded his "dues" from the world but instead he made himself a servant and suffered real physical pain for our sake, and he did it while we were still sinners who wanted nothing to do with him. Who does the husband represent in marriage? Christ.
And would you like to know what the real problem is in the church? It's this "me me me" mentality, this sense of entitlement that leads to bickering, unfaithfulness, and divorce. Some people will change the whole theology before they'll let God soften their heart toward their spouse. That's how they come off saying things like this:
You only seem to be concerned about one person's passion here--yours. Selfishness is a sin. Where in the Bible does God say it's acceptable to grumble and complain about your wife when she doesn't behave exactly the way you want her to, or heck, the way the Bible tells her to? Not only are you to love your wife regardless of her "cooperation" with your needs, but you're supposed to love your worst enemy as well. How can you begin to love your enemy if you speak so badly about your wife? It's no wonder we have the same divorce rates as the rest of the world because a lot of us won't stop
thinking like the world. We prefer the narcissistic route.
To answer the personal questions you asked, if my husband were to withdraw emotionally, I would continue to uphold my end of the marriage covenant regardless of any hurt it may cause. And God strike me mute if I complain, because no one owes me anything. I'm not an emotional person to begin with but I find all I need in Christ alone. If you think your wife owes you sex then you've got the same kind of pride issue that turned Lucifer into Satan.. If I point a finger at you then I'll point it at myself too, because I'm quite new to this realization.. But I do have the God-given strength to put it to practice.
If you would just start putting your wife first and put your own desires aside, then after a while she may be more inclined to help you out. I would suggest taking her to see
Fireproof and then having a heart-to-heart discussion while it's all still fresh.
I understand your point, but I also understand the other guy as well. A man and a woman even though they don't have their needs met, should make an effort to love their spouse above themselves and well, not use it as an excuse to be unfaithful. They shouldn't put their needs above their spouse, that would not fulfill the law of love and that is considered selfish and possibly selfish ambition.
That being said we should not put our spouses in that position and as others here have pointed out we should not withhold our bodies from one another. Likewise men and women should not ignore the needs whether emotional or physical of the other person. Even a strong god fearing christian has needs and could waver when rejected over a long period of time. I know this from personal experience as much from common sense. I myself swore that I would NEVER have an affair... and I love God immensly and have been among the most zealous for him... but eventually misery took it's toll and I did. I think I've stuck it out longer in my marriage then most christians would have.
My point being that we shouldn't be judgemental of other people, because we overcome in an area doesn't mean we should take our righteous stick and hit others over the head with it and tell them to do like us. For one thing we really are not in their shoes, we really do not know what their personal needs or struggles are, which believe it or not may be different then ours.
Anyways, I'm sure a lot of people can probably understand where I'm coming from. I know that while I suffered so immensly during the early years of my marriage I began to despise "christians" although I was one. I was soooo alone and depressed and when I reached out to someone just for caring and understanding I was met with cold self righteous careless responses "well, everyone goes through that" (no they don't, few of you have or never will go through what I'm going through.. it's not normal marriage problems).... "well, you should never divorce" (that's easy for YOU to say now that you're divorced and married happily to a man who makes effort and cares about you). I longed to connect with someone I could relate to, because then they might actually be able to help me and truly know what I was going through.... but that wasn't the case, either they weren't married and idealistic, knew the right answers, or they were married and were happy. Like I said, I felt very alone. And even those who couldn't really relate, they'd give me an answer or response that communicated "I really don't CARE or want to CARE... but here's your answer... " and then the subject would be changed to their thoughts and their easy lives.
I guess I learned from my personal experience not to be so judgemental and to truly care and love as the Lord would. Not to just bible thump.
Being a woman who has experienced being turned down sexually by my husband time and time again... I can say I relate with a lot of men in this area... it's more then not getting a physical need met. It's complete rejection... although there's reassurance "it's not you, i'm just not tired" truth is actions speak louder then words and you just cannot help but feel or believe that it's you, they just aren't interested in you, they don't want to connect with you and they deeply dislike you. It eventually leaves you in want and wanting to be "accepted" and even liked even if it's by someone else.
Although I think all marriage partners should take marriage seriously I'm not going to be legalistic about it and say that we just need to ignore our needs and give to the other person. People are not robots. And even the best of you, given the right circumstances, would begin to waver... and I can already here it now "oh, but I WAS in those circumstances but I remained faithful... so there's no excuse heathen"... well, if that's is your response, then I'd say that no, you weren't in the circumstances that would even lead a strong christian to waver. I'd say to you- get off your self righteous soap box and here's your browny pin for faithfulness, congratulations, yay for you.
We need to approach people in a more loving way and not in a self righteous judgmental way, baring eachothers weaknesses and truly helping one another.
I will say that my husband's own insensitivity towards me at times leaves our marriage in a vulnerable position... if I chose to have an affair, would that be his fault? Well no, he's not the one making the decision so in that essence I would not blame him. However he would have some responsibility in the matter.... as much as people may not like to hear that, it's true... every problem in the marriage the other person has atleast some small contribution and to deny that you, me.. the spouse does not have any responsibility then I'd say get out of denial and buck up. That is not true love either. I find it very mature of individuals who are faced with an affair from their spouse and they start taking responsibility for their part in it, though it really isn't their fault. I have a neighbor who has done that..... after her husband had an affair instead of getting a divorce she began to become more attentive of his needs, started to take better care of herself. She would've been in her rights to leave him and we'd all want to say "leave the scumbag" but because she had the grace to approach it in such a mature way, their marriage is great!
I would say that if a woman knowingly rejects her husband in the area of sexual intimacy continuosly and never has sex with him, then she doesn't deserve him... and if a man continually ignores his wife's needs, then he doesn't deserve her either and if an affair occurs, then I say that is a natural consequence to their rejecting behavior.
However I don't think it gives liscence to adultery.
HB
