Relationship help, please. =(

Trevor1999 · Aug 28, 2008

I hope this is OK to be posting relationship help here. I just need some advice. I am a Christian.. but lately I think I've done some stuff that has damaged my walk with our Lord. I know he forgives me though and loves me.

Hey.... ok so I need some serious help here. I need to fill you in on info before I start going into what the problemS(not the "S") are.

I am 20. I met this girl through my friend. She is 17.. she is also my friend's cousin. We started hanging out and straight from the start we got a long like no other. Along with that it seemed like we had known each other for years. She told me things she had never told anyone else. Likewise I told her stuff.

Now, before I get into any more details... let me say.. she was abused as a child. The big "R". Quite frequently. She never told anyone but me... and she is still dealing with the heartache constantly and the first time we made love it brought back memories of her abuse. She also has never had a solid, good relationship. 4 boyfriends and they were either physical abusers, verbal abusers, controlling or they cheated on her. She has major trust issues from these things and the trauma of her childhood.

I came along and am the complete opposite of her past relationships. I even give her a "long leash" and if she wants to hangout with friends I say " You haven't seen your friends for a while.. Go ahead we'll hangout some other time.". I never have questioned her or even distrusted her. However... the trust has never been returned. And that in where our issues I believe lay.

She recently heard (through the grapevine) that I had cheated on my latest EX. That is not true. But she heard it from three people (and they are all people who are friend's of my EX) and... needless to say.. my EX is a completely obsessive and crazy lady. I convinced her that it wasnt true. My EX has been an issue for us through the whole relationship. Until I told her just pretty much not to worry about her.. and that my past is my past and I am only looking on the future.

She also was really worried about starting school and not seeing me much at all. She thought feelings were going to fade.. and that our relationship was too sexual. I agreed on the sexual part and we cut that back a bit to make way for the emotional side though. She was really tripping over it and worried out. I had to talk to her about it and calm her down a lot. SOmetimes she says she thinks I'm too good for her.

She has now started back up school... and she has been acting somewhat distant to me. She and I had it out today. There was this guy from her work that I had thought she might have feelings for... I confronted her with it about a week ago. She told me she didn't care for him. However... today when I picked her up from work.. she had her arm around his arm. (apparently just pulling him to meet her "boyfriend"(me)). It shocked the hell out of me. But I was ok with it. But then when he went to drive off... she yelled "I'll txt you later". And that shocked me yet again.. but this time.. I was fuming.. cuz now she gave the dude her number. And since I had thought she had feelings with him before.. it really hurt me.

I confronted her.. she flipped it all around and made me seem like an idiot. And while I may have over reacted. I believe that I was in the right by saying something. We then went into a convo about how we feel about eachother and "us". We decided that while we "love" eachother deeply.. we dont always "like" eachother. She apparently has been questioning our relationship as well. Wondering why she is in a relationship that (even if we last a long time) it is inevitable to end and it will only cause her heartache cuz she loves me so much. I just told her that the only you can't just not do something because of the fear of "might". She told me she thinks I'm a baby. That I say some things that seem weird and that I act like a child sometimes. She also says I'm her "female dog ".. (in a playful way.. I don't think she was serious)... but I am NOT her "female dog" .. hahaha far from it actually. I do things on MY time and on MY terms. But still it made me think. We talked quite a while and then ended the evening by laughing and kissing.

I have realized... that she means the world to me.. but that sometimes I really just dont like her. I love her. I want to make things better between us because I want to LIKE her 100% of the time again and have her LIKE me 100% of the time again. Is this just not going to work for us? Am I fighting a losing battle?

Alidar Jarok · Aug 28, 2008

Well, it seems to me that you have done a lot right to save things, by talking to her and being open. You should be completely honest if you haven't already, by saying just what you said here, that you love her and you want to make sure that things don't fizzle out between you. If you don't talk things out, then the unspoken issues will just get worse and build up tension, until it bursts and then you will end up broken up and broken hearted.

You should talk to her about the guy from work, calmly (no fuming!), and just say that you are feeling jealous or threatened, and that you would like to ask her to agree to not talk to him as much, as it hurts you and/or worries you. If my wife was doing something similar, I would just talk to her and ask her to back it off, as it was hurting me or worrying me, and hopefully she would be understanding and agree to some compromise (in order to keep things happy and whatnot). Also, let her know that you aren't OK with the "female dog" comment.

Ultimately, just be honest and open about everything. If it's too much for her, than maybe God has someone different in mind for you, but you can say that you did your best.

FrederickM · Aug 28, 2008

Umm... I'm not so great at relationships because of the background I come from. So I'll simply pray for you.

Praying

Elijah2 · Aug 28, 2008

I hope this is OK to be posting relationship help here. I just need some advice. I am a Christian..
How long have you been a Christian?

but lately I think I've done some stuff that has damaged my walk with our Lord. I know he forgives me though and loves me.
Of course He forgives and loves us, but HE only forgives, when we confess and repent our sins, and when we forgive others when they sin against us.

Hey.... ok so I need some serious help here. I need to fill you in on info before I start going into what the problemS(not the "S") are.

I am 20. I met this girl through my friend. She is 17.. she is also my friend's cousin. We started hanging out and straight from the start we got a long like no other. Along with that it seemed like we had known each other for years. She told me things she had never told anyone else. Likewise I told her stuff.
Well, that’s nice. Is your friend a Christian?

Now, before I get into any more details... let me say.. she was abused as a child. The big "R". Quite frequently.
A lot of hurt, abuse, and trauma in her life, and gives many reasons for many problems, and many more to follow.

She never told anyone but me... and she is still dealing with the heartache constantly and the first time we made love it brought back memories of her abuse.
Sorry my dear brother, but if you made love with your 17 year old friend, do you realise that you are in serious problem with our Lord Jesus Christ. This is sin, and it’s called “fornication”.

Have you confessed and repented your sin to our Lord Jesus Christ and asked HIM for forgiveness with another brother in our Lord Jesus Christ verbally from you mouth and your heart?

She also has never had a solid, good relationship. 4 boyfriends and they were either physical abusers, verbal abusers, controlling or they cheated on her. She has major trust issues from these things and the trauma of her childhood.
Your friend needs a lot of good Christian counselling, because she is carrying a lot of physical and spiritual problems, far too many to consider here, and far too many to have a permanent relationship.

I came along and am the complete opposite of her past relationships. I even give her a "long leash" and if she wants to hangout with friends I say " You haven't seen your friends for a while.. Go ahead we'll hangout some other time.". I never have questioned her or even distrusted her. However... the trust has never been returned. And that in where our issues I believe lay.
Mate, I this sort of feeling means only one thing, that there is much untruth.

She recently heard (through the grapevine) that I had cheated on my latest EX. That is not true. But she heard it from three people (and they are all people who are friend's of my EX) and... needless to say.. my EX is a completely obsessive and crazy lady. I convinced her that it wasnt true. My EX has been an issue for us through the whole relationship. Until I told her just pretty much not to worry about her.. and that my past is my past and I am only looking on the future.
Mate, was your past life we your EX the same, living in “sexual immorality”, such as “fornication”.

You are asking for advice, and the only advice I can give you is Biblical advice, seeing that you are a Christian. You are sinning and the consequences of this sin is a lot deeper than you think.

She also was really worried about starting school and not seeing me much at all. She thought feelings were going to fade.. and that our relationship was too sexual. I agreed on the sexual part and we cut that back a bit to make way for the emotional side though. She was really tripping over it and worried out. I had to talk to her about it and calm her down a lot. SOmetimes she says she thinks I'm too good for her.
Mate, I believe you both need good God-anointed Christian counselling, because you are treading in dangerous spiritual areas.

She has now started back up school... and she has been acting somewhat distant to me. She and I had it out today. There was this guy from her work that I had thought she might have feelings for... I confronted her with it about a week ago. She told me she didn't care for him. However... today when I picked her up from work.. she had her arm around his arm. (apparently just pulling him to meet her "boyfriend"(me)). It shocked the hell out of me. But I was ok with it. But then when he went to drive off... she yelled "I'll txt you later". And that shocked me yet again.. but this time.. I was fuming.. cuz now she gave the dude her number. And since I had thought she had feelings with him before.. it really hurt me.
Mate, I am sorry to hear that, but there is so much going on in both of your lives that you need to take all of this up with your pastor of your church, and get some good sound Christian counselling. God’s Word can’t be bent to make anyone feel secure.

I confronted her.. she flipped it all around and made me seem like an idiot. And while I may have over reacted. I believe that I was in the right by saying something. We then went into a convo about how we feel about eachother and "us". We decided that while we "love" eachother deeply.. we dont always "like" eachother.
Mate love is built on love, not “SEX”!

And the whole arrangement is going get more flipping as you try to resolve your life.

She apparently has been questioning our relationship as well. Wondering why she is in a relationship that (even if we last a long time) it is inevitable to end and it will only cause her heartache cuz she loves me so much.
Mate, it’s nice to believe that you are both in love with each other, but what you have explained doesn’t indicated the Agape love that Christians know, but Philia love, which is sexual.

I just told her that the only you can't just not do something because of the fear of "might". She told me she thinks I'm a baby. That I say some things that seem weird and that I act like a child sometimes. She also says I'm her "female dog".. (in a playful way.. I don't think she was serious)... but I am NOT her "female dog".. hahaha far from it actually. I do things on MY time and on MY terms. But still it made me think. We talked quite a while and then ended the evening by laughing and kissing.
Mate, you need help, not advice.

I have realized... that she means the world to me.. but that sometimes I really just dont like her. I love her. I want to make things better between us because I want to LIKE her 100% of the time again and have her LIKE me 100% of the time again. Is this just not going to work for us? Am I fighting a losing battle?
Mate, I can understand how confused you are, and no Biblical truth I can share with you is going to help you to regain your composure or peace.

You need to speak to your pastor, because there are many spiritual problems in the whole circumstances of your arrangement with your friend.

Please GET HELP!

FrederickM · Aug 28, 2008

OP, I think you should see relation advice people instead of us.

Elijah2 · Aug 28, 2008

FrederickM said:
OP, I think you should see relation advice people instead of us.

I agree!

Be blessed in Jesus' Name.

Sketcher · Aug 28, 2008

Trevor1999 said:
I am 20. I met this girl through my friend. She is 17..

You're gonna catch some flak for that. I hope you two have been innocent together, or else you're probably on the wrong side of the law.

Trevor1999 said:
Now, before I get into any more details... let me say.. she was abused as a child. The big "R". Quite frequently. She never told anyone but me... and she is still dealing with the heartache constantly and the first time we made love it brought back memories of her abuse. She also has never had a solid, good relationship. 4 boyfriends and they were either physical abusers, verbal abusers, controlling or they cheated on her. She has major trust issues from these things and the trauma of her childhood.

I came along and am the complete opposite of her past relationships. I even give her a "long leash" and if she wants to hangout with friends I say " You haven't seen your friends for a while.. Go ahead we'll hangout some other time.". I never have questioned her or even distrusted her. However... the trust has never been returned. And that in where our issues I believe lay.

Do you think you're supposed to save her or heal her or something? Because only God can do that. I've tried doing that (though thankfully not in a romantic context) and I learned the hard way that only Jesus can heal certain wounds, and I am definitely not Jesus. You're not either. Just so you know what you've gotten yourself into.

Trevor1999 said:
She has now started back up school... and she has been acting somewhat distant to me. She and I had it out today. There was this guy from her work that I had thought she might have feelings for... I confronted her with it about a week ago. She told me she didn't care for him. However... today when I picked her up from work.. she had her arm around his arm. (apparently just pulling him to meet her "boyfriend"(me)). It shocked the hell out of me. But I was ok with it. But then when he went to drive off... she yelled "I'll txt you later". And that shocked me yet again.. but this time.. I was fuming.. cuz now she gave the dude her number. And since I had thought she had feelings with him before.. it really hurt me.

Does she do that with everybody (of the male gender) or not?

In_His_Love · Aug 28, 2008

Hey Trevor,

I say this out of love brother, this relationship is a disaster. Its built on the wrong foundation and unless SEVERE changes are made it will fall apart whether you want it to or not.

This may be hard to hear, but the two of you are involved in sinful behavior. In Gal 5:18 Paul tells us that those who are involved in sexual immorality will not inherit the kingdom of heaven. Your relationship has crossed that boundary. You cant expect the Lord to bless that relationship when you are deliberately elevating your will over His. Our Lord is gracious and forgiving, but we need to stop our sinful behavior and ask his forgiveness. Thats a God issue, not a relationship issue (which means it takes priority).

Im also going to point out something to you that you may have not noticed from your perspective. You mentioned in your post that you feel youve given her a long leash and you feel thats a good thing. That in itself is a little controlling. In a loving relationship you wouldnt have her on any kind of leash. Im sure youve heard that the best relationships are built on friendship. How ridiculous would you feel if one of your guy friends told you they had YOU on a long leash? You would probably think Who is this guy to tell me what I can and cant do? I assure you, she feels the same way. Please dont take this as harsh but its not your duty as her friend to approve where she spends her time. Im not saying this to insult you or tear you down but rather to give you some perspective on one of the other reasons why this might not be working.

The bottom line is thisbefore marriage, a Christian relationship between a man and woman shouldnt be much more than friendship anyways. Right now you guys are reaping what youve sown through your destructive behavior. Please know that Im not condemning you, as a brother in Christ I love you and pray that his will be revealed in your life. You can change how the two of you continue in this relationship if you stop the sin and seek his forgiveness. Spend some time in prayer together and see where the Lord leads the relationship.

Post a follow up if you would. Id like to hear your opinions on what has been said so far.

Have a great day!

bliz · Aug 28, 2008

My friend, you have made some serious mistakes, and are in need of some serious attitude readjustments.

Trevor1999 said:
I hope this is OK to be posting relationship help here. I just need some advice. I am a Christian.. but lately I think I've done some stuff that has damaged my walk with our Lord. I know he forgives me though and loves me.

Hey.... ok so I need some serious help here. I need to fill you in on info before I start going into what the problemS(not the "S") are.

I am 20. I met this girl through my friend. She is 17.. she is also my friend's cousin. We started hanging out and straight from the start we got a long like no other. Along with that it seemed like we had known each other for years. She told me things she had never told anyone else. Likewise I told her stuff.

Now, before I get into any more details... let me say.. she was abused as a child. The big "R". Quite frequently. She never told anyone but me... and she is still dealing with the heartache constantly and the first time we made love it brought back memories of her abuse. She also has never had a solid, good relationship. 4 boyfriends and they were either physical abusers, verbal abusers, controlling or they cheated on her. She has major trust issues from these things and the trauma of her childhood.

First, as a Christian, have no business having sex outside of marriage. You are not married to the young lady in question and while sex in marriage is a wonderful thing, outside of marriage it does nothing but cause more hurt and pain and create problems, some of which you are now experiencing.

Further, you knew that she had been sexually abused and was still dealing with the complications of that, and she was a minor. All more reasons why you should not have been sexually involved with her.

I came along and am the complete opposite of her past relationships. I even give her a "long leash" and if she wants to hangout with friends I say " You haven't seen your friends for a while.. Go ahead we'll hangout some other time.". I never have questioned her or even distrusted her. However... the trust has never been returned. And that in where our issues I believe lay.

Given her past experience with men, it's no surprise that she is not very trusting. You seem to think the giving her a "long leash" (a most unfortunate choice of term - she is a human and does not belong on any kind of leash!) is a great gift when, chances are, what she wants is more closeness, a closeness promised by your sexual relationship.

She recently heard (through the grapevine) that I had cheated on my latest EX. That is not true. But she heard it from three people (and they are all people who are friend's of my EX) and... needless to say.. my EX is a completely obsessive and crazy lady.

Were it true that all EXs were obsessive and crazy, it would be "needless to say" it. But the vast majority of EXs are perfectly nice people who have gone their own ways. While I'm perfectly willing to believe that you did not cheat on this EX, your attitude about her makes me wonder about your relationships with women in general.

I convinced her that it wasnt true. My EX has been an issue for us through the whole relationship. Until I told her just pretty much not to worry about her.. and that my past is my past and I am only looking on the future.

She also was really worried about starting school and not seeing me much at all. She thought feelings were going to fade.. and that our relationship was too sexual. I agreed on the sexual part and we cut that back a bit to make way for the emotional side though. She was really tripping over it and worried out. I had to talk to her about it and calm her down a lot. SOmetimes she says she thinks I'm too good for her.

I can assure you that that is not the case. I wonder if you are good for her at all.

She has now started back up school... and she has been acting somewhat distant to me. She and I had it out today. There was this guy from her work that I had thought she might have feelings for... I confronted her with it about a week ago. She told me she didn't care for him. However... today when I picked her up from work.. she had her arm around his arm. (apparently just pulling him to meet her "boyfriend"(me)). It shocked the hell out of me. But I was ok with it. But then when he went to drive off... she yelled "I'll txt you later". And that shocked me yet again.. but this time.. I was fuming.. cuz now she gave the dude her number. And since I had thought she had feelings with him before.. it really hurt me.

I confronted her.. she flipped it all around and made me seem like an idiot. And while I may have over reacted. I believe that I was in the right by saying something. We then went into a convo about how we feel about eachother and "us". We decided that while we "love" eachother deeply.. we dont always "like" eachother. She apparently has been questioning our relationship as well. Wondering why she is in a relationship that (even if we last a long time) it is inevitable to end and it will only cause her heartache cuz she loves me so much. I just told her that the only you can't just not do something because of the fear of "might". She told me she thinks I'm a baby. That I say some things that seem weird and that I act like a child sometimes. She also says I'm her "female dog".. (in a playful way.. I don't think she was serious)... but I am NOT her "female dog".. hahaha far from it actually. I do things on MY time and on MY terms. But still it made me think. We talked quite a while and then ended the evening by laughing and kissing.

I have realized... that she means the world to me.. but that sometimes I really just dont like her. I love her. I want to make things better between us because I want to LIKE her 100% of the time again and have her LIKE me 100% of the time again. Is this just not going to work for us? Am I fighting a losing battle?

What I hear you saying is that the two of you "love" each other, but that sounds far more like infatuation and sexual attraction than love. To dislike some things about a person now and again is fine, but to outright dislike them sometimes is an indicator that it's not love but infatuation.

The young lady needs counseling to help her move on from being a victim of abuse.

You need to put it in your pants and keep it there until you are married. And you need to mature a great deal. I would encourage you to take your OP to a pastor and schedule some counseling for yourself.

Trevor1999 · Aug 28, 2008

I intend on replying to all of these but I am at work and will do so in a bit. I haven't gotten a chance to read them all yet either. Thanks for the replies.

Trevor1999 · Aug 28, 2008

Elijah2 said:
How long have you been a Christian?

I have been a Christian for about 14 years now.

Elijah2 said:
Well, thats nice. Is your friend a Christian?

My girlfriend is not a Christian, no.

Elijah2 said:
Sorry my dear brother, but if you made love with your 17 year old friend, do you realise that you are in serious problem with our Lord Jesus Christ. This is sin, and its called fornication.

Have you confessed and repented your sin to our Lord Jesus Christ and asked HIM for forgiveness with another brother in our Lord Jesus Christ verbally from you mouth and your heart?

Yes... I realize that sex outside of marriage is a sin. =/ We both got carried away.. and wasn't planned. I have asked for forgiveness for this behavior..

Elijah2 said:
Mate, was your past life we your EX the same, living in sexual immorality, such as fornication.

Yes... I was stupid in that past relationship and swore to myself I wouldn't make the same mistake with my current girlfriend.. but I did.

Elijah2 said:
Mate love is built on love, not SEX!

And the whole arrangement is going get more flipping as you try to resolve your life.

Yes I agree with you. We loved eachother before we did anything sexual. Actually doing the sexual parts in our relationship made it a bit rocky... but we seemed strong after a while.

Elijah2 said:
Mate, I can understand how confused you are, and no Biblical truth I can share with you is going to help you to regain your composure or peace.

You need to speak to your pastor, because there are many spiritual problems in the whole circumstances of your arrangement with your friend.

Please GET HELP!

I understand.

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twistedsketch said:
Do you think you're supposed to save her or heal her or something? Because only God can do that. I've tried doing that (though thankfully not in a romantic context) and I learned the hard way that only Jesus can heal certain wounds, and I am definitely not Jesus. You're not either. Just so you know what you've gotten yourself into.

I didn't know about the issues of her past when getting into the relationship with her. It hurt me and I actually cried for her when I found out.. because I cared for her so much it tore out my insides. She says it's not really anything that bothers her anymore.. but I can tell sometimes it bothers her. And when she talks about him.. she cries. I just hold her and love her.

twistedsketch said:
Does she do that with everybody (of the male gender) or not?

I think she does... after I talked with her.. she told me she does. And I believe her.

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In_His_Love said:
I say this out of love brother, this relationship is a disaster. Its built on the wrong foundation and unless SEVERE changes are made it will fall apart whether you want it to or not.

I know... and I am afraid of that. I need to make changes and I think I am starting to see what the mistakes were that I have made with her.

In_His_Love said:
This may be hard to hear, but the two of you are involved in sinful behavior. In Gal 5:18 Paul tells us that those who are involved in sexual immorality will not inherit the kingdom of heaven. Your relationship has crossed that boundary. You cant expect the Lord to bless that relationship when you are deliberately elevating your will over His. Our Lord is gracious and forgiving, but we need to stop our sinful behavior and ask his forgiveness. Thats a God issue, not a relationship issue (which means it takes priority).

I know.. and I repented today. Again. I have before... I know it's a mistake. I knew it. I am truly repentant.

In_His_Love said:
Im also going to point out something to you that you may have not noticed from your perspective. You mentioned in your post that you feel youve given her a long leash and you feel thats a good thing. That in itself is a little controlling. In a loving relationship you wouldnt have her on any kind of leash. Im sure youve heard that the best relationships are built on friendship. How ridiculous would you feel if one of your guy friends told you they had YOU on a long leash? You would probably think Who is this guy to tell me what I can and cant do? I assure you, she feels the same way. Please dont take this as harsh but its not your duty as her friend to approve where she spends her time. Im not saying this to insult you or tear you down but rather to give you some perspective on one of the other reasons why this might not be working.

That is not what I meant when I said that. She is my girlfriend and I would never tell her who she can and can't hangout with. I would never try to control her. I just meant by the "long leash" comment that I do not try and control what she does. I used the wrong type of words. She asks me or tells me what she is doing or planning on doing and I don't ever try to tell her not to do anything.

In_His_Love said:
The bottom line is thisbefore marriage, a Christian relationship between a man and woman shouldnt be much more than friendship anyways. Right now you guys are reaping what youve sown through your destructive behavior. Please know that Im not condemning you, as a brother in Christ I love you and pray that his will be revealed in your life. You can change how the two of you continue in this relationship if you stop the sin and seek his forgiveness. Spend some time in prayer together and see where the Lord leads the relationship.

No, I understand what you are saying. We have based our relationship on sexual behavior instead of an emotional standard. I would love to lead her and I in prayer... but she is not a Christian.. maybe that's my first mistake. =(

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bliz said:
Further, you knew that she had been sexually abused and was still dealing with the complications of that, and she was a minor. All more reasons why you should not have been sexually involved with her.

I understand what your saying. I however did not have the intention of having sex with her. I and her were on a 6 month plan type thing (her idea). We wouldn't do anything even remotely sexual until 6 months were up. We just got carried away one night. And before we did anything I kept asking her.. "are you sure" and she told me she had never felt so strongly about it. So I didn't take advantage of her if that is what you are thinking.

bliz said:
Given her past experience with men, it's no surprise that she is not very trusting. You seem to think the giving her a "long leash" (a most unfortunate choice of term - she is a human and does not belong on any kind of leash!) is a great gift when, chances are, what she wants is more closeness, a closeness promised by your sexual relationship.

I understand her trust issues and I am working with them. It's just that I have never done anything to have her question my trust.. so I feel like when she doesn't give me the trust I want.. I feel like she doesn't care. The "leash" thing... was a bad choice of words.

That is not what I meant when I said that. She is my girlfriend and I would never tell her who she can and can't hangout with. I would never try to control her. I just meant by the "long leash" comment that I do not try and control what she does. I used the wrong type of words. She asks me or tells me what she is doing or planning on doing and I don't ever try to tell her not to do anything.

bliz said:
Were it true that all EXs were obsessive and crazy, it would be "needless to say" it. But the vast majority of EXs are perfectly nice people who have gone their own ways. While I'm perfectly willing to believe that you did not cheat on this EX, your attitude about her makes me wonder about your relationships with women in general.

Well my EX really IS crazy... she is obsessive and she has even gone to get professional help for it. She is Bi-polar and was even on a suicide watch for a while. She doesn't like it when previous boyfriends try to move on from her. I never cheated on her... and please dont judge the way I handle relationships with women... I have not done anything bad to her at all. I think of only one thing whenever we are together.. "her happiness".

bliz said:
I can assure you that that is not the case. I wonder if you are good for her at all.

ouch....

bliz said:
What I hear you saying is that the two of you "love" each other, but that sounds far more like infatuation and sexual attraction than love. To dislike some things about a person now and again is fine, but to outright dislike them sometimes is an indicator that it's not love but infatuation.

The young lady needs counseling to help her move on from being a victim of abuse.

You need to put it in your pants and keep it there until you are married. And you need to mature a great deal. I would encourage you to take your OP to a pastor and schedule some counseling for yourself.

I kindof feel what you are saying. Infatuation and sexual attraction have taken over our relationship. Originally it was not so. We loved eachother FOR eachother... until we had sexual relations the first time.

She has gone to counseling for a while RIGHT after it happened.. and that's what helped her get over it as much as she has. But I can still see it hurts her.. and it hurts me that I can't do anything to help her.. all I can do is be there for her and hold her.. tell her it's ok and love her... right?

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

I think what I can grab out of all this is... that while we love eachother and care greatly for eachother (even before the sex)... we need to re-evaluate ourselves. Or at least on my side. I need to show her I love her more I think. I try. But I suppose I could a little better. I don't want our relationship based on sex. While it was (there for a while) a large part of our relationship.. I think maybe putting her "six month plan" back into our relationship might be a good idea for both of us.. so we can grow emotionaly together. I think she is seeing a weakness in our relationship.. because of the distance (we can't see eachother often).

So, sex out of it... (because I think I am going to talk with her about keeping it out for a while.. even though she loves that part of our relationship)... I think there is room for us both to grow. I have issues with her saying that I am her "female dog" and that she see's me as a "baby" (because I got choked up in front of her once.. cuz she was crying about the "cheating" thing... she think's I'm too emotional and let little things bother me). I have only gotten emotional like that once in front of her. And I thought it wasn't going to looked at as a bad thing.. because I cared for her enough to get choked up over it. But I guess she wants someone more in control of their emotions? I don't nkow.

The jealousy thing.. was STUPID.. and I was an idiot. I realized today at work.. while thinking about some of the replies you guys gave me... that... I care and love her.. deeply and fully... but that I just dont care for some of the things she does. Sometimes I feel like she doesn't care for me.. and in turn I end up feeling like "frick the relationship". But.. I really don't feel that way... it's just rocky.. and an emotional roller coaster for now. I know she cares for me too... because of the things she does I can see she does. Because of the things she says. The way she looks at me and smiles. And likewise.. I hope she knows I love her. I am just tired of the feelings for eachother fluctuating.

Thanks for the replies, guys... please reply and let me know what you think about all I have said here.

heron · Aug 28, 2008

For many victims of abuse, sex has power struggles... connections with being accepted by someone they feel they should respect. Trying to please through physical means, giving up their own rights. It might help to do some reading on this, so it will be easier to see her future reactions as part of the larger picture, not just something you did. Because it will come up sometimes.

About the guy from work, I may be wrong, but we women are sometimes very naive about friendships with other guys. It is considered okay to have male friends our whole lives, and then suddenly when we're in a relationship, we're expected to stop talking with men altogether. It's very confining. You have plenty of reason to be suspicious, but even more reason to see that half the human population is male. Don't expect her to cut off half the population. If she says she loves only you, then believe her.

Elijah2 · Aug 29, 2008

Hi Trevor,

You say that you have asked our Lord Jesus Christ for forgiveness, but have you really confessed and repented your sin of “fornication”, and “disobedience” to His Word, verbally with another mature Christian or your pastor?

This is a lot more serious than you may think.

I think what I can grab out of all this is... that while we love eachother and care greatly for eachother (even before the sex)... we need to re-evaluate ourselves.
Mate, before you re-evaluate yourself with your friend, I would advise once again to go and get help from a good, God-anointed Christian counsellor.

Or at least on my side. I need to show her I love her more I think. I try. But I suppose I could a little better. I don't want our relationship based on sex. While it was (there for a while) a large part of our relationship.. I think maybe putting her "six month plan" back into our relationship might be a good idea for both of us.. so we can grow emotionaly together. I think she is seeing a weakness in our relationship.. because of the distance (we can't see eachother often).

So, sex out of it... (because I think I am going to talk with her about keeping it out for a while.. even though she loves that part of our relationship)... I think there is room for us both to grow. I have issues with her saying that I am her "female dog"
Yes, you should have issues, because those words are not flattery, but basically a spoke word, which is a curse.

and that she see's me as a "baby" (because I got choked up in front of her once.. cuz she was crying about the "cheating" thing... she think's I'm too emotional and let little things bother me).
Mate, by this attitude, I can see the immaturity in your friend.

I have only gotten emotional like that once in front of her. And I thought it wasn't going to looked at as a bad thing.. because I cared for her enough to get choked up over it. But I guess she wants someone more in control of their emotions? I don't nkow.
Mate, you said that your friend suffers with bipolar, well do you believe that you have the patience and self-control to live with a person who needs help, just the same as you do?

The jealousy thing.. was STUPID.. and I was an idiot.
Did you confess and repent that sin of jealousy, and asked our Lord Jesus Christ for forgiveness?

I realized today at work.. while thinking about some of the replies you guys gave me... that... I care and love her.. deeply and fully... but that I just dont care for some of the things she does.
My dear brother, marriage is fulfilled on those beliefs.

Sometimes I feel like she doesn't care for me.. and in turn I end up feeling like "frick the relationship". But.. I really don't feel that way... it's just rocky.. and an emotional roller coaster for now.
My dear brother, marriage is not founded on these beliefs.

I know she cares for me too... because of the things she does I can see she does.
Love is blind my dear brother, and you need to get away from this situation, and get help, and then see how you feel, because I honestly believe that you are on the wide path of destruction and not the narrow path of a Christian’s walk.

Because of the things she says. The way she looks at me and smiles. And likewise.. I hope she knows I love her. I am just tired of the feelings for eachother fluctuating.
Mate, get HELP!

Be blessed in Jesus' Name.

seangoh · Aug 29, 2008

Hey Trevor, i read your first post and it sounded off alot of warning bells in me because of the following:

1) You both are in a sexual relationship that is not within the confines of a marriage relationship and which is built on knowing/accepting/understanding each other. Previous posters have mentioned that so i won't mention this again.

2) She sounds emotionally unstable. I would say this is due to her childhood abuses. She needs to find professional christian counsellors (Ron and Nancy Rockey specialise in this) to deal with her childhood experiences and close the lid on that. You mentioned that when you had sex with her that she recalled her past abuse, an indication that she was indeed affected by her past.
Also, her past bfs were abusers because she was so used to being abused when she was a child that she felt comfortable and familiar having bfs who were abusers too. Indication that she is uncomfortable with you is because she doesn't trust you. You are different and nice and she cannot accept that internally because to her such people don't exist in her life. You can try to change her perspective but i'm not betting on it. It takes quite some time for such abuse cases to grow out of it.

3) She doesn't respect you. Her getting physical with another guy and giving her number right in front of you. If she can do that in front of you, what more can she do when you're not around. And when you confronted her, she made you feel like you were an idiot. Obviously she is brushing the issue and doesn't want to confront it through communication which is an essential quality in a relationship. You're going to be struggling with trust issues your whole life if she continues to be like that.
Also, she called you her "female dog". Although you can brush it off as a joke, but ask yourself why did she came up with such a joke in the first place. Is it because she does look down on you? If she looks up to you or even on par as herself, do you think she would have regarded you as such? A compatible relationship includes the element of respect. If one doesn't respect the other, then it's warning lights.

4) She feels distant from you and she thinks the feelings are going to fade. Usually the girl will be right on this so trust the girl. So Yes, her feelings are fading and she's getting more distant because she's not seeing enough compatibility for both of you to go "Ah, he/she was made for me" or "We're just so suitable for each other". My personal belief is that when girls see compatibility and they can somehow click with the other party and feel comfortable and familiar, their feelings grow.

5) You really don't like her although you love her. This is your internal self giving you a warning sign that you both are not compatible. There are bound to be more things you will discover that you don't like if you continue on with her. If you want to have a happy relationship, you have to like and love the person otherwise you'll end up suffering by tolerating her and that's not good.

You're just 20 and still young and it's wise to spend the next few years growing a deeper relationship with God. I feel a lady of 17 isn't spiritually mature enough for a committed/fulfilling relationship. Neither are you too. Heed Psalm 37:4:

"Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart."

seabe · Aug 29, 2008

We are limited by our faith.
(1 Peter 5)
7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

8 Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.

9Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings.

10And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.

11To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen.

All our cares, the bible dosen't talk about good things only, but everything that concerns us. I love verse 9, because it shows us that what we are facing, surely someone outthere is passing thru the same thing.
So the night is far spent,repent of sin is done in faith, if you are willing to make things right it's still possible, because God is able to turn every great "mess" into "greatness" because he is a God of victory.
I love what folks have shared and i believe that it was so helpful. (1 Peter3:7) the bible says that wives are weaker vessels,
I understand that you aren't married yet,but the point that i want to make is this, take some praying and fasting. Bring down walls through prayer, repentance, because God is still for you and on your side and you have his word in your heart.
I hope this will help, remember you are only limited by your faith. If there are satanic strong holds, only prayer ( coupled with fasting and an attitude of repentance ) can bring down walls, because we take things by force.
I believe that what i have shared with you is genuine gospel. For Elijah to hear that still small voice, it was after he prayed and fasted for 40days and 40 nights.
Remember do all things in faith!!!
Be blessed age mate lol.

bliz · Aug 29, 2008

Trevor -

I appreciate the way in which you have responded to the posts, post that for the most part have been pretty hard on you, mine included. You seem to be open to correction and advice, not just search for to be told you were right.

As we grow up, we are not all at the same level of maturity in all areas of our lives. As a 20 year old, for example, you might be 30 in how you handle your job and professional interactions, and 15 in how you handle competition, especially when you lose.

Your young lady, because of the past abuse, is probably no more than 12 when it comes to anything remotely sexual. In part, she may believe that she is only valuable as a sexual being, and so she enters all relationships with men, business, social, friendships, primarily as a sexual person. That, as you can see, creates all sorts of problems. She needs professional counseling.

You need someone you can talk to, in person, who could mentor you and guide you in what life as a Christian man should be like. A church is a great place to start looking for a mentor who can help you fill in some of the blanks in your understanding and knowledge, but also care about you and help you grow to be the man God wants you to be.

My prayer for you is that you would encourage your girlfriend to get the help she needs and that you would start searching for someone who can help you.

Trevor1999 · Aug 29, 2008

Thanks you all again for the replies. This has helped me more than you know. I will be talking with her about many things in the near future. Thanks for the prayers. I hope it works out but if not.. then God has other plans for me.

I have some good Christian friends who I might talk to in person... but I think talking to a solid Christian person from a church would be a good idea as well (as suggested by a few of the posters).

Thanks again, everyone.

Relationship help, please. =(

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