Should i be upset becuase i sure AM!!!!!

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blubell44

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There was this girl in my husbands college engineering class and her dad lives next door to us. This girl had been flirting with my husband even though she knew he was married, still actually asked to come over to our house to say hey to him when she comes to visit her dad! My husbnd told me this and i got really upset. He said he told her, that he was married and that it would be inappropriate and said that she took offense and did not speak to him anymore for the rest of the semester. I believed that how it went until lastnight. My husband had been friends with the man before he knew it was the girls father, but i told him not to talk to him anymore becuase everytime he does, she gets in the picture. Well lastnight when i my husband got home, the father was sitting on the porch and he and my husband starting talking and he started talking all about the girl to my husband, telling him about her classes and everything else! I am mad at my husband becuase he knows i am uncomfortable with that and if he was so mean to her she sure did not tell her daddy becuase he still talks to my husband alot. My husband says i'm crazy for getting mad, but i told him that if he relates to the man, he also relates to his daughter and i feel like my husband is disrespecting me! Why does my husband need to know all about his daughter and why won't my husband listen to me and do u think he was really mean to her when he told her not to come over! I am so mad!
Now my husband is mad at me and says i owe him an apology and that i'm not normal and that he should be able to talk to whoever he wants to!
What's he gonna do when he sees the father and the girl is with him. Not speak to her in front of the father!? he said he would not speak to the girl but i don't trust that becuase i bet he wants to make a good impression on the father! Why does he care?
 

HeatherJay

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Sorry, I think you're out of line. You can't control who your husband speaks to. And I think you really need to check your heart in your desire for your husband to actually be MEAN to anyone, even if it is a flirtatious girl. I think you really need to do what you can to get rid of the venom of your jealousy...before it poisons your relationship with your husband.
 
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Autumnleaf

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Its normal to be jealous. Maybe you should meet the man with your husband. As a guy, if I found out my daughter went to the same school as my married neighbor I would think nothing of telling him about my daughter. Its not like the father is trying to wreck your marriage. He's probably just trying to be sociable. If his daughter tells him she likes your husband the guy will probably tell her to stay away since your husband is married. From what you say about your husband I don't think he would hang out with the type of man who would encourage his daughter to mess with your marriage.
 
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brinny

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You dont trust your husband. How are you expecting this marriage to work out, You cant put a leash on your authority (your head, 1 Corinthians 11:4-7).

Your also going to have to learn to forgive the girl (unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die)

I believe you do owe him an apology

you may want to ask God for wisdom before responding in the midst of your sister in Christ's angst and pain. I believe you owe her an apology, brother in Christ.
 
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brinny

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There was this girl in my husbands college engineering class and her dad lives next door to us. This girl had been flirting with my husband even though she knew he was married, still actually asked to come over to our house to say hey to him when she comes to visit her dad! My husbnd told me this and i got really upset. He said he told her, that he was married and that it would be inappropriate and said that she took offense and did not speak to him anymore for the rest of the semester. I believed that how it went until lastnight. My husband had been friends with the man before he knew it was the girls father, but i told him not to talk to him anymore becuase everytime he does, she gets in the picture. Well lastnight when i my husband got home, the father was sitting on the porch and he and my husband starting talking and he started talking all about the girl to my husband, telling him about her classes and everything else! I am mad at my husband becuase he knows i am uncomfortable with that and if he was so mean to her she sure did not tell her daddy becuase he still talks to my husband alot. My husband says i'm crazy for getting mad, but i told him that if he relates to the man, he also relates to his daughter and i feel like my husband is disrespecting me! Why does my husband need to know all about his daughter and why won't my husband listen to me and do u think he was really mean to her when he told her not to come over! I am so mad!
Now my husband is mad at me and says i owe him an apology and that i'm not normal and that he should be able to talk to whoever he wants to!
What's he gonna do when he sees the father and the girl is with him. Not speak to her in front of the father!? he said he would not speak to the girl but i don't trust that becuase i bet he wants to make a good impression on the father! Why does he care?

Here's the issue. If your husband is putting anyone above you, his wife, and regard for their feelings above your feelings, we gots a problem. I'm sensing you are not feeling heard by your husband. This is the problem. You do not owe your husband an apology. A gap has formed in communication and a crack has formed in the marriage bond/covenant. His reaction to your angst is an alert that counseling may be in order. Pray about this. Then follow God's leading.
 
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brinny

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Being friendly with the neighbor is not putting him above one's spouse. Trying to control who a spouse talks to is not a healthy response to any situation.
An apology will open doors to communication between married couples.

What would she be apologizing for? For being a distraction, a hindrance in her husband's extracurricular activities? For an 'alarm' going off because this female was flirting with her husband, and the extension of her is continued through her father, whose main subject is his daughter? For feeling ignored and disrespected by her husband's attitude and disregard in favor of the neighbor's feelings or this female?

These are symptoms. They sound all too familiar. The reasoning it takes to continue relationships that smack your loved one in the face is a hint that counseling is in order. This is a marriage. A covenant. All are in the background and placed there as the two whom are married continue the process of cleaving to each other. It is a process. It's a choice, to forsake all others as you turn to the one that you say you love.

My sense is that he's getting fed by this female's attention. The fact that so much conversation revolves around this female or this male neighbor means it's a hindrance to the bond of the marriage. His dismissing of his wife's feelings are symptommatic. This is the problem. He is willing to sacrifice his relationship with his wife for anything else is a red flag. Shee does not owe him an apology.
 
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brinny

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Yes OP, I think you're seriously overreacting. Why are you jealous that you husband talks to a neighbor who might sometimes talk about his daughter?

If your husband is at all attractive, people probably flirt with him quite often. So what? He politely told the girl he wasn't interested, what more would you like from him?

Your husband should talk to your neighbor - so should you. It's important to know our neighbors. Your neighbor should take pride in and sometimes talk about his daughter, that's what parents do.

Why do you not trust your husband? what difference would it make if the daughter wanted him bad, and her father was trying to set them up? I don't think that's the case here, but why would it matter to you if it were? Unless your hubby gives you reason to believe that he's not satisfied with what he's got at home, I'd give him the benefit of the doubt.

I know someone very close to me. Her husband told her to mind her own bizniz, that he could talk to whoever he pleased. He had, it seems, his own social life that excluded his wife. When she reacted he told her she was crazy. He was, after a while, hardly home. If she dared ask where he'd been he'd call her crazy, and tell her there she goes again. He was in the stages to be a minister. She was a stay at home mom, and she was home schooling their 3 small children. She would spot him with these other women, some on the praise and worship team, up on stage, during practice, flirting with him. She was ignored. Her self esteem started to take more tumbles. He became more sneering. One day, after church, he growled at her not to bother him while he's worshipping, that she's not going to interfere in his worship.And 3 sets of small ears heard. After a while there was hardly food in the house. She managed, budgeting the best she could with left over money that she found here and there. Then one evening during praise and worship practice, he was found in the prayer room bathroom with this female. Later it was found that she was pregnant. Let's skip to months later. They are separated. A birthday party commences in McDonald's for their daughter, who just turns 5. His family, who ridiculed her throughout this process with this other female, shows up, with the other female's son, to this party.

We all have red flags. They are called gut, instinct, intuition, discernment, common sense. They alert us to something off-kilter. Waaay in the beginning stages. We should never shove it aside, ignore it, hush it up, or tell it to shut up or allow anyone else to.

I worked in a battered women's shelter. The dynamics most profound in a relationship that is shaky is the attitude. The attitude that it ain't nun'ya bizniz what i say, do, who i speak to, where i go. You just crazy. It's the attitude.

If there is the attitude that you don't matter, we gots a problem. That is what needs to be addressed. The attitude. The fact that she's feeling dis-respected. That needs to be heard and addressed.

A relationship not based on respect ain't worth didley.
 
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MoodyBlue

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Dear OP: Yes, you are seriously over-reacting. Jealousy is a damaging emotion, and seems unwarranted given your description of events.

Brinny - I agree, respect in a relationship is very important. In this case, i sure don't see much from the OP towards her husband. She has so little trust in him, unless his past actions give her reason for this, she has some serious emotional issues to work on.
 
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Gods4me

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QUestion to the OP do you trust him?
if you fully trust him then you say sorry for being jealous. and then you move on. trusting that even if she trew her self at him he would tell her where to go...

casue you can trust and still be jealous. i know i total trust my husband but i get rather jealous when women flirt with him, not casut i think he wold do anything but just at the fact thats MY MAN so back off....
 
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snoochface

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Interesting that you'd say that. This is one of the nastiest threads I've seen on this site. Makes me wonder how deep her wounds are now.

No one has been nasty, brinny. The OP asked a question: "Should I be upset?" You don't ask questions unless you want honest opinions, and people are giving them. Just because most of the answers are along the lines of, "No, you shouldn't be upset" doesn't make them nasty responses.
 
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Gods4me

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Can i just point somthing out.... this OP is a newbe i dont think members should be arguing in her thread. you have all made your side of it. its not for us lot to say what she should do. we should just be giving some advice and supporting the OP. even if you disagree with every one else who has posted.

its up to the OP to deside what she things best. not to trun in to an arguement.


Blue is upset weither you think its right or not. and weither you think she should say sorry or not its up to her. no one need to geep dis agreeing with every one.
 
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Feelings do matter, but not just to one person, everyone has feelings. I myself have had a jealousy side with my husband because I am not used to having men being just naturally and genuinely nice to absolutely everyone, I'm used to men being that way with a hidden agenda behind the niceness. All anger aside with this, your husband loves you and gave you total respect by letting his friend know that he is married and what she wanted by visiting was completely unappropriate. I know it is hard sometimes to try not to analyze everything, but analyzing this, you are putting thoughts in your head about your husband that are clearly not there. I was putting a lot of pressure on my husband, then fiancee, because of my jealousy. Now, if the girl was very inappropriate and did inappropriate things, I would want to talk with my husband about it and believe his words and feelings over a friends.

Believe and trust in God, he will help calm your worries and mend your heartaches.
 
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dayknee

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ImperialPhantom, she stated she feels disrespected. Feelings do matter. Especially on a thread one starts. I feel for her. I also feel like it was a big mistake for her to post what she's feeling here.

Got any more stones?

Gahhh..
Feelings are NOT always accurate. Just becuase they are someone's feelings doesnt mean they are grounded in anything rational.

She is upset becuase her husband did not cease all contact with the girls father..his friend. He should'nt have to just becuase the mans daughter flirted with him..That's just rediculous. If she is FEELING disrespected it is a feeling based on irrational fears. He told the women he was NOT interested and that should say something...If she is insecure that is HER issue not her husbands.
Remember that feelings are not always to be counted on. Feelings can be irrational and illogical. Im sure if she took a step back she would realize that.
 
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