[Open] Support thread for non-punitive households (Please NO DEBATE)

am I using the right word...harping? I don't know, but anyway,
I've ordered some of the books that were suggested here. It is really hard to get my husband to read with me. How do you get your husbands on the same page?
My husband uses pinching as a way to end a temper tantrum, and I've told him that it's not acceptable to me, and that it's child abuse to me. He told me he wouldn't do it anymore, but today he did it again. We were leaving the toy section of the store and my husband wanted Baskin Robbin's, but our son didn't want to leave the toys. Of course I forgot to try the "bye-bye toys method...duh!" I guess my husband wanted to be able to enjoy his Father's Day treat, so it was a good time to pinch to calm him down. He said our toddler behaved right away after that, but I told him the end doesnt justify the means.
How do you get your husband's on the same page? How do you no undermine your husband when he's disciplining? Please help me!
I have so many questions but don't really know how to organize them all right now. Thanks for having this thread here as a resource!

I have to admit I'd behave badly as a wife in that situation and say "You can go have your ice cream. We'll be in the car." You have to find a way to make him understand the severity of your feelings on this matter.

My husband won't read parenting books. However, if I find a short section that is relevant to our life he will listen while I read a paragraph. I can also start a conversation that will be about something I read in a book to get his feedback.

I really hope you find a way to work this out with your husband and protect your child from the pinching.

Thanks for the reply...sounds like something I was thinking about, but I didn't go through with...going to the car. I have a question...
this keeps me wanting to spank, because I don't know what else to do. My son is potty training, and some days are great, but he's the kind who doesn't mind sitting in a poopy diaper, so it's been harder for me. The last couple of days he's been refusing to get on the toilet, and I don't know what to do. Is this a phase, and I should just let him keep peeing on the floor...because I don't know what to do. Today I told him that every time he pees on the floor he's going to have to take a bath and get his hair washed and everything (because he got himself all dirty)...he hates that. This really comes so unnaturally to me! Help?

He's 2 right?

If so he might just not be ready yet. Pirate (my son 3yo) was so frustrating at 2 with diapers and all the potty stuff. He'd take off his dipe but cry and fight if I asked him to sit on the potty. We put him back in diapers until his 3rd b-day. Then all of a sudden he told us "I have potty!" and ran to the bathroom. I mean he didn't teach himself but he showed us that he was ready instead of the other way around. Now at barely a month past his 3rd b-day he's fully potty trained even at night.

Thanks. I think we were having a bad day, probably because of a couple of negative reactions on our part. I started offering candy as a reward for even sitting on the potty (something I didn't want to do), and now the negative has totally gone away. I told him if he didn't want to potty train he would hav to wear diapers, and we've only had a couple of accidents since then and both were #2, but he did #2 on toilet yesterday too. Thanks!

My husband has been remorseful everytime he sees the pinching bruises this week, probably after he heard that I lost my temper with the potty training, maybe he realized that it's not the best way. I've been noticing him trying to integrate some of the methods here, but we both need a lot of practice to overcome what comes so naturally. Glad this thread is here to help.

For desiring something different.
We used a reward for a short period of time as well even though I didn't want to. It is a quick trick that I keep in my back pocket though. Glad your husband is coming to a place of change. You can find lots of support here as well. I'm sure someone has already suggested it but there are some wonderful experienced moms on there that are really encouraging. It can be so hard to switch mindsets to do what you think is best for your child.

Thank you JSMF! I appreciate that you understand that it's a hard transition. When I wrote my post I was somewhat afraid that I was going to get judged or told off because of some of the things I've done. It's nice to find grace here.

I guess this thread isn't moving much lately. I wish I would have been more involved when it was going. I was going to register at the Gentle Christian Mom's website, but it's disabled now, and I just want to talk. So my husband hurt our son (bumped his head and made him cry) on accident, and he wouldn't apologize. I don't know why he wouldn't. It's like he doesn't want him to ever know we make mistakes or something. One thing that's really annoying that he does is this week we were out to eat and our son (Gabriel) started a tantrum because we wouldn't give him soda. My husband took him to the bathroom. He told me he didn't pinch him (he slapped his hand). I was just relieved that he didn't pinch, even though I wasn't especially pleased with the hand slapping. So later he was talking to me about how Gabriel will never do that again. I reminded him that last time he pinched his leg he was saying that Gabriel would never do that again. Did he forget that he said that in the past (many times), and it's simply not true? Gabriel is potty training, and he refuses to let daddy help him, so I have to make every trip into the bathroom with him, even though daddy is home, even though I'm busy nursing, or cooking or whatever, and it can be a pain, because daddy should be able to help me when he's home, but he can't. Gabriel will not get on the toilet for daddy, and sometimes daddy tries to force him onto the toilet. I keep trying to tell him not to let this be a negative thing. Tonight I told him that I think part of the problem is that he is making Gabriel feel like daddy's love is conditional, because he sets his standards too high, and he's frequently impatient with him, and that thing about "he'll never do that again." Am I right? I got the book "dealing with dissappointment" and started reading it today, and I feel like I need to learn these things for myself, too. I was trying to teach Gabriel that he could run around the house when he's mad earlier, and then when he was actually upset about daddy trying to force him onto the toilet I was trying to get him to breath, but yeah, I need to work on that a lot. My husband said he'll watch how it works for me, and if it seems to work he'll get on board. Men can be so frustrating, though...I sometimes get so mad at him, and wish he considered this job (parenting) important enough to invest time into learning how to be the best parent he can be. Anyway, seems like I'm the only one now, but I need somewhere to unload my thoughts. Thanks for being here...

Feel free to vent away. I didn't realize reg. for GCM was closed at the moment. Very Sorry about that. I may not always have helpful advice but I'm here if you need an ear.

I think registration at GCM is open again now...



I just wanted to share with everyone how awesome my husband is. Before our dd was born, we assumed we would spank - we both come from punitive backgrounds. From here, I found GCM when dd was a few months old, and started researching and came to the conclusion that non-punitive discipline is Biblical and appropriate.

Anyway, my dh is just so 100% on board, it's fantastic. I'm so grateful for him. It's been hard the last few months to stick to our intentions, because dd is now 21 months and she's testing boundaries and trying new things. There have been times when I know if we hadn't decided otherwise, she would have been spanked. And at times I really struggle to be gentle with her - I have anger issues and my punitive background comes out when I get angry. And then dh will just gently take dd, and care for her while I have the time to calm down and be more gentle again.

I'm so thankful for all I've learnt, that I can have a 21 month old who doesn't know what spanking is. She doesn't cower away when I tell her in a stern voice to stop doing something. She's not afraid of me. I once thought that was a bad thing, now I'm so grateful! It's harder this way, I think, because I have to be creative and find ways to teach her without punishment. But so rewarding!

that's wonderful, lin!