My PTSD got triggered....

LovebirdsFlying · Jul 7, 2008

For those who are unfamiliar, PTSD is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It's what they used to call shell shock. It's most common in military personnel who have experienced war, but it also exists in abuse survivors such as myself. The site I linked to here says it can happen in anyone who has experienced a life-threatening event.

I had a doctor's appointment today. Normally we schedule these things for hubby to be's day off so he can be with me, but this time it couldn't be helped. I took a bus. So there I am at the transit center, waiting for my connection, when a young punk who looked to be in his mid to late teens (hereafter referred to as YP, for "young punk") suddenly recognized someone he apparently had a beef with. YP ran off toward that person, screaming obscenities, and began shoving him, obviously picking a physical fight. Security acted immediately, but YP showed no respect. Amid more obscenities, he responded, "You're nothing. You're not a cop. You're just a security guard." Then when told that the police were going to be called, YP dared the security guard to do so--with still more shouted obscenities, of course.

Everyone did their jobs very well. No one was hurt. The police arrived quickly, at about the same time my bus did, so I didn't see beyond that. It happened just a few feet away from me but didn't involve me in any way. I did not speak to, or make direct eye contact with, the perpetrator or his intended victim. Nor did I discuss it with any transit employee other than hubby to be, who is a transit employee himself, when he called to make sure I got home all right. He'd already heard there had been trouble at the transit center, and says he's sorry I had to see it.

When I got on the bus, I was shaking badly and felt nauseous. And, I was boiling with rage toward YP. Which was serving no purpose whatsoever, since everything that needed to be done about the matter had been done. It took me a while to calm down. If I had somehow been provoked again, by some small matter, I could easily have gone off like a bottle rocket myself, and created another scene. Sort of a cascade effect.

Those feelings are so uncomfortable, and I hate having them. Why do I get SO disturbed?

D.W.Washburn · Jul 7, 2008

LovebirdsFlying said:
Why do I get SO disturbed?

Because you are human. Human beings get disturbed.

Because you have PTSD. People with PTSD relive past traumas.

But...the point is...you didn't go off. Good for you!

Mling · Jul 7, 2008

Because violence is upsetting to watch. My mom can't stand to watch my dad and I spar playfully. I play an online, entirely text, role play game which sometimes includes...let's say consensual violence. I've seen people who have an immediate frightened reaction to watching *other people* roleplay consensual roughness.

You were right there, and managed to go through the rest of the day, rattled, but functional. That sounds reasonably ok, to me.

catlover · Jul 8, 2008

LovebirdsFlying said:
Those feelings are so uncomfortable, and I hate having them. Why do I get SO disturbed?

Because it's upsetting to witness violent idiots in action...do you deep breathing exercises?

desmalia · Jul 8, 2008

RegularGuy said:
Because you are human. Human beings get disturbed.

Because you have PTSD. People with PTSD relive past traumas.

But...the point is...you didn't go off. Good for you!

Exactly my thoughts as well.
LBF, I'm a very sensitive kind of person, and honestly I believe that had I been in your situation, I would have felt exactly the same way. And I don't even have PTSD. Something I've learned to remind myself is that I cannot control my emotions, but I can control how I react to them. That's exactly what you did. I know the emotions are frustrating and difficult to work through. But pat yourself on the back too because you did good and responded well.

LovebirdsFlying · Jul 8, 2008

Thanks everyone. :hug:

It so happens I have a therapy appointment in an hour. I'll be sure and bring this up.

LovebirdsFlying · Jul 9, 2008

WARNING! IF YOU HAVE PTSD, OR ARE EASILY DISTURBED, THIS POST MAY TRIGGER IT!!!!

Discussing it in therapy, here's what came out:

As has been said, anyone would have been upset. But the therapist noted that my reaction was just a bit stronger and longer-lasting than necessary. In the OP I hadn't mentioned an insulin reaction soon after it happened; I didn't think it was connected, but medical opinion says it could be. I had not missed a meal or taken too much insulin. So the stress is a strongly suspected culprit for causing it. The therapist asked for a similar incident from the past to compare it to, thinking maybe my reaction was to that past event.

She's probably right.

I came up with something that happened when I was a teenager. I'd been dating a boy of a minority ethnic group. I won't say which one, since I don't want to perpetuate stereotypes, and I won't say his name because that would give it away. So I'm talking to him from a pay phone in front of this small-town bar. I didn't go inside the bar, just to the parking lot to use the phone. Why hadn't I called him from home? Because my then step-father hated people of his ethnic group.

While I was talking, a crowd formed in the parking lot, and someone nudged me with a warning. "Be careful. He's got a gun." I looked and saw that it was true, and shielded myself around the corner of the building while telling bf what was going on. I heard a woman scream, "Shoot him, I dare you," punctuated with obscenities. I heard two shots, and saw a man down in the parking lot. He was kicked a couple of times, then tossed into the back of a white van, which drove away, and the crowd dispersed.

*I had a phone in my hand* but didn't have the sense to call the police. The therapist pointed out that even if I had done so, they would have found nothing to go on since they all left so quickly. What really strikes me is how incredibly blasé everyone was about this thing. Even bf on the phone, as I was freaking out, saying, "He's not moving!" He was as calm as a breeze. "He's dead, I'm telling you. I know my people." I wasn't silent afterward. I told friends, and even the parents of one of my friends. No one batted an eyelash. Like bf saying he knew his people, the general consensus was, "That's what (members of that ethnic minority) do."

Nobody was freaked out but me! I'm still confused about that.

And as for yesterday's incident, of course one never knows when a scuffle can become something far more deadly. In my conscious mind I wasn't even thinking about that long ago shooting, but my subconscious remembered, and set off every alarm I had in my head.

DeanM · Jul 9, 2008

Nobody was freaked out but me! I'm still confused about that.

My old GF once ran over a kid with her car (the kid was okay). My ex GF was so freaked out. What did i do? I tried to remain calm so as not to excite her, but I was freaked out.

Perhaps those around you took a similar path . . .

LovebirdsFlying · Jul 9, 2008

LovebirdsFlying said:
As has been said, anyone would have been upset.

It just occurred to me--some of my family members would not have been upset. Like the shooting, the assault would have been downplayed. If I showed any sign of being bothered, I'd get "Oh, it's nothing, just kids having a fight. Ignore them." My mother in particular was and is very good at responding to my reactions with "So? It's just words. Don't let it bother you." It's possible the intent is what Dean said, but the effect was to cause me to question my own perceptions and emotions.

There is also a substantial amount of denial going on. My mother honestly believes that, just because someone may have cracked a few jokes during a bad time, that means it wasn't a bad time at all. We may have been living in the family car (six people and a dog), eating from soup kitchens, and not going to school when we should have been. Or maybe we were hiding from yet another man in her life who had threatened us with bodily harm. As long as we were laughing and joking, it meant we were happy, and those are good memories. And if I wasn't laughing and joking along with everyone else, which I usually wasn't, then that just showed what a negative, miserable person I was.

A more recent conversation with my sister went something like this:

Her: I thought we were having good times, but looking back on it--we all must have had something wrong with our heads.
Me: *I* didn't. I knew we were living crazy.

She didn't disagree.

Multi-Elis · Jul 13, 2008

You're doing EMDR treatment?

LovebirdsFlying · Jul 13, 2008

Multi-Elis said:
You're doing EMDR treatment?

I might be, but I don't know what the letters stand for.

Catherineanne · Jul 15, 2008

LovebirdsFlying said:
Those feelings are so uncomfortable, and I hate having them. Why do I get SO disturbed?

First of all, a bit about ptsd. People who suffer a single life threatening event can develop ptsd. The mean time to recovery from ptsd without treatment of any kind is 6 years, apparently. So, if you are in a terrible accident, or suffer some other major trauma, and develop ptsd, you can expect to take at least that long to get over it. You may be lucky, and get treatment, and then it will be much less.

Then there is another kind, which is sometimes called complex posttraumatic stress disorder. This is the kind I have. Cptsd is caused by a multiplicity of trauma, lasting over a sustained period, very often from earliest childhood. I live in the third world for mental health treatment which is the UK. I have known about this diagnosis since 2001, and have still to achieve adequate - or any for that matter - treatment.

Meanwhile, back to the OP. A person who has been traumatised has in effect been terrified to within an inch of their life. This is not a trivial thing. The fear receptors in our heads are not part of the cognitive, rational, even human part of us. Fear is an ancient emotion, and is part of the ancient, primitive brain. When it takes over, we lose cognitive ability. What we gain is an adrenaline rush which can result in one of two behaviours. Either we run or we freeze. I tend to freeze.

If I get triggered I turn into the rabbit in the headlights. I go very still, and very quiet. Part of me can still think, but it no longer connects with the ability to speak. Weird but true. I get a very strong impulse to leave wherever I am and be alone. Anywhere, where there are no other people, because people are dangerous. In my particular case the people who caused me to become like this are family, so nobody is safe. Even my best friends become dangerous, and I have to escape.

None of this is rational, but neither is it insane. It is an understandable reaction to the effects of triggering and the adrenaline that is released as a result.

Denial is not a way of immediately dealing with ptsd, because it is cognitive, and people who are triggered are not capable of working at that level. Denial is used by abusers, of whatever kind, to enable them to carry on behaving in a harmful or abusive way, without realising what they are doing.

It is clear that there are many issues that you are dealing with, and I commend your honesty and bravery for doing this. But it might we worth finding out more about the different kinds of ptsd, and the effect that triggering has. Then you can stop blaming yourself for behaviour which is part of your symptoms, rather than your fault.

I wish you well.

Eve_Sundancer · Jul 15, 2008

desmalia said:
Exactly my thoughts as well.
LBF, I'm a very sensitive kind of person, and honestly I believe that had I been in your situation, I would have felt exactly the same way. And I don't even have PTSD. Something I've learned to remind myself is that I cannot control my emotions, but I can control how I react to them. That's exactly what you did. I know the emotions are frustrating and difficult to work through. But pat yourself on the back too because you did good and responded well.

Pretty much how it is for me too. Whether that's from a negative relationship I was in when I was younger or just me being too thin-skinned I don't know... but I can't handle people acting the way that YP was. I'm glad you were able to keep yourself together, even though it troubled you.

My PTSD got triggered....

My husband drew this cartoon of me.

The Artist Formerly Known as RegularGuy

Knight of the Woeful Countenance (in training)

catlover

Guest

sounds like somebody's got a case of the mondays

My husband drew this cartoon of me.

My husband drew this cartoon of me.

Well-Known Member

My husband drew this cartoon of me.

Senior Veteran

My husband drew this cartoon of me.

Well-Known Member

Now what should I put here?

Similar threads