Who Am I ?

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dellinw

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I know this sounds strange, next month will be a year since I lost my soulmate and I still haven't found "me". I still feel married at times. I don't feel like I am single unless in the room filled with couples. I only feel widowed when I am standing at his grave site realizing that I have lost a lifetime (43yrs). I know he lives thru my children and grandchildren but I still am alone and lonely most of the time. I really have trouble when asked if I am single, married, or divorced. The only thing I can say for sure is that I am NOT divorced. I did not ask for this separation and did not seek it. It was not my choice to be in this place of loneliness and grief. Has anyone else felt this way since losing a mate? I have waited a year before making major decisions and all my firsts (anniv of death etc) are next month so please keep me in your prayers
 

Manna

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Oh my goodness. Please feel a hug. I have experienced the same thing on a much smaller level (we weren't married even close to that long), and reading your post pulled so strongly at my heart.

I usually don't like to talk about it with others, but please know that you are absolutely not alone in that state of veiled confusion. This november will be 4 years that my husband has been gone, and while the grief has lessened on the day-by-day level, it still floors me at times.

Because of the circumstance surrounding his death, my life was turned upside down, inside out. Nothing was what it was supposed to be. I'll go a few steps forward only to look back and say "Where on earth am I?? What am I supposed to be doing??" The loss is unlike anything I think anyone can experience, short of losing a child.

You sound like you've handled the last year wisely. No major decisions, let yourself heal. My suggestion? Make plans for the anniversaries coming up. Not necessarily to make yourself forget about it, but I've found that if I'm doing something...anything...I handle it better. To just sit and think about it will just torment me. So I'll get a babysitter and just go out. Go to the movies, go shopping, go for a drive, go to the beach, etc.

I'm here if you'd like an ear. Please feel welcome to PM me.
 
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JeanR

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I know exactly how you feel. My head knows that I am no longer married, but my heart doesn't. Terry is my husband and I still can't imagine anyone else. I have found this 2nd year just as difficult as the first, but in a different way. I'm not in a daze anymore and I am dealing with the reality of life alone. I don't like saying that I am widowed, it leads to too many questions. I have found it is just easier to say that I am single. It still throws me for a loop when asked my marital status or having to fill out forms that ask for next of kin.

I am now encountering a new attitude in people. It's like they expect that I should be back on my feet by now and moving forward with my life. People are trying to get me to meet a person they think is perfect for me. I don't want any of it. Terry and I were married for 29 years and he was ripped out of my life. I don't think 19 months is going to magically make the grief go away. I'm learning to live with it, but I know it will never go away.
 
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