I was raised in a fundementalist, Pentecostal, Christian household. I believed in a literal Genesis (creationism, Noah's Ark, etc) until around my late teens, when I began to learn more about science.
I accepted evolution, etc and my beliefs in a literal Genesis fell away. However, it hasn't just stopped there, my beliefs in things like Satan, hell, etc have also gradually fallen away. Now I'm left wondering what I truely believe, whether I believe in Christianity at all anymore.
First off ... what you bes going through, every child what's ever believed in Santa Claus goes through. At first they believe Santa bes a literal single person who flies all over the world on Christmas eve bringing gifts to good children. They bes content to visit him at the shops, sit on his lap and tellsy what they want. They goes to bed excited on Christmas eve and wakes up exclaiming "Santa came! Santa came!" when they see presents under the tree that had not been there the night before.
But soon that bes not enough ... they want to SEE Santa at work. They want to SEE him come down the chimney and leave the gifts. They want to EXPERIENCE it for themselves ... so they stay up late hoping to "catch" Santa ... and during this time all sorts of suggestive mental "magic" happens ... they imagine hearing sleigh bells, or reindeer hooves on the roof, and excitedly tell their friends about these "experiences" to "prove" the reality of Santa.
Eventually sometime between the ages of 7 and 9 the literal belief in Santa comes to a halt. They learn enough about how things work in the real world to recognize no such person could really exist, though they still secretly hope they bes wrong about that and he bes real somehow, somewhere. By 9 most kids have accepted that "Santa" bes their parents doing it -- though they will still play along with the "game" because doing so bes fun. After a few more years the game bes not important and both parents and kids may stop playing it at this time and simply exchange their gifts at Xmas outright....
... Then the teenager grows up, gets married and has children, and the game starts over again ... only this time, THEY get to be Santa to THEIR kids and watch the magic happen all over again from the other side. They have learned the secret of the trick so now they become the trickster making the magic happen for their children.
During the process, hopefully, belief in what Santa MEANS never actually dies. Belief in the ideals of generosity, of showing love by blessing one another (whether with gifts or other good things we give to each other), of kindness, of spreading joy through being a blessing to others, of rewards for good behavior, of all sorts of things humans deem important morally and ethically, get wrapped up in the Santa game. And whether the Santa "device" itself gets used as the expression of these realities OR NOT, the realities DO exist, and transcend the devices used to convey them from generation to generation.
This obviously bes not a perfect analogy for what you bes going through ... but some parts bes fitting. Your faith bes undergoing a transition from being based in taking stories with mythic elements in them LITERALLY to a more mature awareness of how what bes truly valuable in those stories does not need the child's concretized notions of literality in order to survive and stand and be real on a much deeper level. You can now read the stories for their deeper meanings, and make a transition in your faith onto more solid ground where the shifting sands of literalism and concretism will not cause your "house" (faith) to fall (fail) when the storms come, so to speak.
This bes an excellent time for you to be alive and an excellent opportunity to build on firmer foundations than you have ever built before. You bes now in the phase where instead of being awed by the sleight of hand you bes learning how the trick gets done, so you may awe others and draw them into the mystery. This bes how clergy get made, frankly, and
not everyone gets the privilege of undergoing these trials. Don't believesy? Looksy round you. Looksy how many in churches in their 40s and 50s -- lifelong Christians, or those converted whats been in the faith for 20 or more years, even --
still require the concretist literalist devices in order to cling to their faith... how many need milksops and cannot chew meat.... Indeed they bes trials by fire, but fire refines and purges and burns off the dross.
When I'm sitting in church listening to the sermon, a lot of things that the pastor says, that I used to believe, just seem plan ridiculous to me now.
Just like when you became able to process learning at an 8th or 9th grade level, sitting in a class of 3rd graders or even Kindergarteners would seem absurd. Just like once you learned about electron shells you could never go back to the "ball and stick" model of molecules again. Just like once you grew teeth and could chew real meat, you lost interest in bottles of milk and jars of pureed fruits.
You need to find a church which does not lean upon literalism or concretism to preach the message, and which serves spiritual meat at the table for
men, not spiritual pablum for babes.
I'm afraid this gradual process will eventually lead to atheism, which means giving up what I have believed for so many years, and having to face likely disappointment from my family (and possibly hostility).
IT MOST ASSUREDLY DOES NOT AUTOMATICALLY LEAD TO ATHEISM. Moriah cannot emphasize that ENOUGH.
You do NOT need to fear this process and you do NOT need to despair that you will be forcibly dragged somewhere you really don't want to go. Yes, it might lead you to examine atheism more openly, or even consider it as a possibility. It might lead you to questions that don't have easy or readily-available or ready-made answers pressed out for babes. It might make knowing who you bes and what you believe HARD for a time and shake you with a sense of uncertainty and insecurity. In which case? Welcome to the adult world, brother.
Tbh, I felt fine about this whole process when it seemed to be happening naturally, it alsmost felt like I was an outside observer just wanting the process happen, rather than having an actualy role in it. But this past week or so I've been actively seeking out information atheism, I even bought The God Delusion, and I've been feeling physically sick and depressed about the whole thing.
Remember -- no human being has the final word on any of this, no matter how conclusively they present their views and no matter how compelling their conclusions seem to you at this time. Something will always come along to stir even the most solid brick house -- and brick houses can be made as sturdily of lies as they can of truths. Logic and reason no more serve the cause of Truth inherently or automatically than hammers build Cathedrals rather than bashing in heads. Like hammers, logic and reason (and the materialist POV) bes nought but tools utterly dependent upon the hand wielding them for direction and purpose, and can equally serve the cause of deceit as they can of revelation.
Blessings to you, and again, sorry it did not address your actual post the first time around.
