I don't know where to begin

LynnMcG · Apr 13, 2008

I'm exhausted.

I think I'm depressed.

I want out of my marriage...in theory.

I want our situation resolved - immediately.

LONG story. My husband is a recovering addict/alcoholic...I used to always say alcoholic/addict but things are different now. Basically, he's been struggling with a drug relapse for the last two years. He's been in and out of detox/psych units four times in that time. He's reasonable and desires his recovery. He's finally working a program again, but I kinda don't care. I kinda don't care about his struggle. I'm kinda done with the whole thing.

We've been married for almost 14 years, together for 18. wow, I don't want to say how I feel about that right now. That's a really long time to deal with this crap.

I was a stay-at-home mom up until 3 months ago when I was forced to go back to work a year sooner than we'd planned because of his addiction. Yes, I resent him.

I work very hard, sometimes six days a week at my full-time job not to mention my other two side jobs and of course being wife and mom. Then there's church ministries. I'm busy and tired. Too tired to deal with his garbage when there are other, more important things to deal with. Again, I definitely resent him. I'm seeing the pattern here.

OK, at the end of the month he has a court appearance where he's going to be facing charges for failure to submit to breathalyser AND his 3rd DUI. Again, resenting the hell out of him right now.

He's an emotional disaster. He needs psychiatric help, counseling, AA/NA and God. He is a born-again believer and recognizes the need for help. He's just not exactly moving to get this help. More resentment and lack of understanding on my part - why not seek the help you need?!

OK, then there's our relationship. It sucks. We haven't had sex in months. Up until he began using again two years ago, we had an amazing sex life. Now, if we spend more than a couple of minutes talking it usually leads to an argument about what he's NOT doing in terms of treatment OR what he is doing in terms of using. SO once again...resentful, discouraged, and frustrated.

I know the enemy wants us divorced and dead. I know love is a choice we make. I know I made a promise, that our marriage is a covenant before God and my God is a BIG God who can do anything. I know all of this or more. I do. I just don't really care.

I don't think anyone can help me. I think I need to see a doctor, so I'm going to call tomorrow. And I do still seek God in all of these things. I think I just needed to get this out and to see if there was anyone else out there who's been through anything similar. Someone who's on the other side of this. Someone who's maybe still married? Maybe just someone who can offer me a little hope.

Our marriage has been the marriage others have looked to for strength and encouragement. I need to find that in someone else's relationship now.

Thanks for reading. Thanks for praying. God bless you guys!

drich0150 · Apr 13, 2008

I've been thru what your going thru, but for only half as long.. The Drugs were the big issue, most of that is in remission for now, but we still struggle with alcohol..

Divorce wasn't the issue for me, I did extensive research and i know what the common belief is, and i know what I've learned goes against the common belief. but here goes anyway.. Our church harped on Mt 5:31 (I tell anyone who divorces his wife for anything except for marital unfaithfulness is causing her to commit adultery)

is how one translation reads, and i have another that says (Adultery) The word is more closely translated to "marital unfaithfulness" Which to some means Adultery (sex outside of the marriage) only.

But truthfully Martial unfaithfulness mean just what it says. Unfaithfulness to the marriage.. Or loosely put: Someone who doesn't keep there Marriage vows.

Back in Jesus's Time "Men" were getting out of arranged marriages they didn't like for all manor of reasons like: the way she cooked, didn't like the way she wore her hair, ect ect..

Or the Men of the time used marriage as a way of having sex with a woman and divorce a means of going to the next one "under the old law" (Without penalty from the Sanhedrin)
Again they sighted all sorts of reasons. Rarely did it have anything to do with the breaking of the vows on her part. This is why jesus said I say don't divorce without martial unfaithfulness as a reason..

So do you remember your vows? love, honor, obey, sickness or in health ect ect... these common marriage vows are based on the original vows found in leviticus? anyway there apart of the torah, and this is what jesus is referring to. Not the stuff we sight even today as a good reason for divorce..
God doesnot want you or your kids in harms way for the sake of appearances.

But for me it wasn't a matter of being justified in divorce. It was a matter of repentance and forgiveness... she would mess up/get caught and plead for forgiveness, and maybe my views are way way off... But for me It just didn't seem right forgiving someone and divorce them with the same breath..

it goes back to the parable of the servant who owed his master a great debt.
his master went to collect and he couldn't pay what was owed. after (repenting) the master forgave the debt. Then a short time later the servant saw a fellow servant who owed him very little. (In comparison to what the original servant owed his master) The fellow servant (repented) to the original servant, but the original servant had him thrown into prison until the debt could be paid. the master heard of this and threw the original servant into prison for his wickedness.

We are all the original servant.
We All owe a debt we can not pay.
If a fellow "servant" comes to us asking us to forgive a debt from them, then we have no other choice.
unless we are the true wicked deserving hell. (by not forgiving like the "original" Servant did)

(I cut and pasted this from another post i made earlier)

Even so my reasons for not divorcing her were the same...

I have an Idea of your frustration but you've got nearly 10 years more in the trenches than I, so really I can't imagine what you are having to deal with..
I know how I felt after 7 years of competing 200 a day habit..

I'm not trying to confuse your issue at all, just wanted you to know there is freedom to be found, but I encourage for you to look it up for youself.
you pray over it,
you reseach the original scripts you make your own decision..
and I'm not telling you, "You can't divorce someone if they ask you to forgive."
Again I want you to find and make these truths and make them your own..
I don't want my freedom in Gods word to be your stumbling blocks...
I just want you to have a direction to look in. (Something I plead for from my church {they had nothing} and I found the direction thru prayer and his word)

My heart goes out to you and will keep you in my prayers.

LynnMcG · Apr 13, 2008

Thank you drich0150.

I know, and believe the scripture you cited. I do. And I forgive and God has blessed me with forgetfulness like you cannot believe! My husband tried to make amends to me through his 12 Step program for something he'd done to me, and I just had no clue what he was talking about. God removed these things and placed them as far as the east is from the west. I believe that.

He messes up, I forgive. It's our m.o. It's our marriage. I don't care what it looks like on the outside. You can imagine how I'm criticized from others, especially non-believers. My gosh, after he tried to commit suicide earlier this year his psychiatric counselor told me to leave him. I withstand those assaults from the world probably daily. God is good to protect me. How do you walk away from someone who is, by all appearances, terminally ill?

There are many reasons I'm still here. I believe God has a greater purpose for my husband's life. I believe God has and will continue to use my experience to His glory. I believe God can and will keep his promises for us both.

I'm just so damned tired. I'm tired of not believing or trusting him. I'm tired of wondering what he's up to. I'm tired of forgiving him. Not that I'm not willing, or unable, I'm just tired of being in the position of having to do it. Does that make sense?

I'm fearful that my heart is hardening toward him. And while I haven't said so, I think he knows something is wrong. I need to fix this in my own head and in my own heart. I'm just feeling so far from wanting to fix it, that I don't know what to do with myself. This is the first time I've expressed any of this. I guess that's a start.

nowhereville · Apr 13, 2008

I do not think these verses apply to every marriage.

God has been opening my eyes to many things in my life. I read a list of abusive types - my spouse had committed many of them daily and some less frequently (including rape).

All the submission in the world is not going to change this.

All the prayer in the world will not change him unless he wants to change.

I am tired of paying the price for his addiction (RX meds) - I am tired of having no money and my kids being messed up.

The truth is he should in fact be called on his behavior but he is not. He professes to be a believer and will tell anyone who will listen he is called to leadership. The truth is he leads his family by fear and intimidation.

You need to seek God - he doesn't expect you to live a life of abuse, hell and abandonment forever. For a season maybe, but even God says if someone will not turn from their ways, he will turn them over to them.

AJ29 · Apr 13, 2008

drich0150 said:
God doesnot want you or your kids in harms way for the sake of appearances.

I totally agree with that statement. "Harm", to me, includes physical, emotional and spiritual harm.

Is a temporary separation an option? Separate to "recover" yourself. Get yourself strong - physically, emotionally, spiritually. Get the support YOU need. You don't have to break your marriage vows (and I am not suggesting that you do) - perhaps time it so that your husband is in rehab and/or undergoing some sort of intensive counselling that HE needs at the same time. Give him time to also recover - physically, emotionally, spiritually!

Sometimes if you take a step away, you can reunite in a more positive and hopeful frame of mind. Somehow, I think you need to break the cycle you are in so that you can start on a new cycle that is far healthier for both of you!

Autumnleaf · Apr 13, 2008

Maybe your husband needs to get a job where addictions aren't so much of a problem. Say, an oil rig or a fishing boat? I don't know if AA/NA/shrinks will help him if he simply chooses to do drugs.

drich0150 · Apr 15, 2008

LynnMcG said:
Thank you drich0150.

I know, and believe the scripture you cited. I do. And I forgive and God has blessed me with forgetfulness like you cannot believe! My husband tried to make amends to me through his 12 Step program for something he'd done to me, and I just had no clue what he was talking about. God removed these things and placed them as far as the east is from the west. I believe that.

He messes up, I forgive. It's our m.o. It's our marriage. I don't care what it looks like on the outside. You can imagine how I'm criticized from others, especially non-believers. My gosh, after he tried to commit suicide earlier this year his psychiatric counselor told me to leave him. I withstand those assaults from the world probably daily. God is good to protect me. How do you walk away from someone who is, by all appearances, terminally ill?

There are many reasons I'm still here. I believe God has a greater purpose for my husband's life. I believe God has and will continue to use my experience to His glory. I believe God can and will keep his promises for us both.

I'm just so damned tired. I'm tired of not believing or trusting him. I'm tired of wondering what he's up to. I'm tired of forgiving him. Not that I'm not willing, or unable, I'm just tired of being in the position of having to do it. Does that make sense?

I'm fearful that my heart is hardening toward him. And while I haven't said so, I think he knows something is wrong. I need to fix this in my own head and in my own heart. I'm just feeling so far from wanting to fix it, that I don't know what to do with myself. This is the first time I've expressed any of this. I guess that's a start.

I know what you mean about being tired.. So tired, I shutter at the thought of anyone being like that.

I didn't want to commit suicide but i look forward to going home to be with the lord.. I told my dad this, and he tried to have me baker acted.. "I wasn't thinking right." I guess because i didn't want a divorce either.

He messes up, I forgive. It's our m.o. It's our marriage. I don't care what it looks like on the outside. You can imagine how I'm criticized from others, especially non-believers. My gosh, after he tried to commit suicide earlier this year his psychiatric counselor told me to leave him. I withstand those assaults from the world probably daily. God is good to protect me. How do you walk away from someone who is, by all appearances, terminally ill?

this was my marriage as well.. and how i saw things.. Now just after a year of sobrity my memory of things have been nearly erased too..
I can remember the low points like: being called because she was found in a barns and noble bathroom, not breathing with a needle in her arm.. Or the 200.00 a day she was stealing from the company. but these instances aren't a source of shame or dispare, but are like mile markers along the freeway..
I got to pull over at a rest stop alittle sooner than you, but just think your going to get where we are both headed long before I do.

I'm fearful that my heart is hardening toward him. And while I haven't said so, I think he knows something is wrong. I need to fix this in my own head and in my own heart. I'm just feeling so far from wanting to fix it, that I don't know what to do with myself. This is the first time I've expressed any of this. I guess that's a start.

just remember your own words...

There are many reasons I'm still here. I believe God has a greater purpose for my husband's life. I believe God has and will continue to use my experience to His glory. I believe God can and will keep his promises for us both.

I kept telling myself the same. "If I can suffer thru this God will help me use this to help someone else" Turns out I was helping myself. I grew in patience, love, Kindness, I found joy.. I never knew the difference between joy and happiness, but i do now. I also know peace.. Great Peace... And after my period of rest (this last year) I can now say truthfully say: what ever my lot he, has taught me to say: It is well with my soul.

If you need a rest ask god for one. I can remember I started a business in the middle of all of this. (Foolish pride) and things were really coming apart with my wife, and my business was crashing. it just hit me one day like a ton of bricks. i fell to the ground in tears and cried out loudly, Mercy! lord show me mercy! over and over maybe for an hour, till fell asleep in the back of my service truck..
It wasn't a week later when i was able to make a big sale that paid my existing bills and put me thru the following month with out having to work. and my wife went into "remission" as well for about 6 weeks... (the longest period without drugs she'd ever experienced A.B.A.)
just long enough for me to get me bearings get caught up with sleep "I'm a sleepless worrier" and come to grips with what and why I was doing what i was..
and when i was ready, I went back to the fire. for a few more year of "Proofing"

The only thing i can suggest is to ask god for a rest and keep asking till you get one. it's not a matter of faith, but of "knocking"

and kinda as a side note when I was going thru what you are. I wrote everything in purple.. do you know how hard it is to find purple pens? oh, and sorry for my delayed response I couldn't remember where your thread was..

LynnMcG · Apr 19, 2008

Thanks everyone. It was a crazy week. The kids had four half days from school, and even though he was home I still couldn't trust him with the kids. He overtook his medication every day.

Today I told him either I had to have control of his daily medication or he had to move out. I would remove his car from my insurance policy (couldn't manage the liability of having him on the policy if he was driving high) and that I would file for separation.

He handed over the medication. He also called for counseling, on his own. A turning point? Who knows. I don't really trust him yet. We'll see.

drich0150 · Apr 19, 2008

Be careful and don't be afraid to enforce your boundries.

nowhereville · Apr 21, 2008

One thing I have found helpful is I ask God to come into the situation. Last night he got really ugly and attacked me verbally. I was successful in keeping my mouth shut (if anything I ever said was going to change him, it would have by now.) Then I just prayed and asked God to come in between us. He didn't really stop - he slowed down a great deal and I was able to go to sleep.

It helps.

As for enforcing boudaries, I think that is the class I'll be taking next week from God

LynnMcG · Apr 26, 2008

Boundaries enforced!
He's in rehab. It was us or the drugs. He allowed me to manage the medication but said he couldn't handle it anymore. He said the last time he tried detox it was to keep me happy. This time he said, was for him.

The main difference this time was that he didn't get high/drunk before he left. He was in withdrawals by the time he left here. He had to get himself admitted to the facility and he had to get himself there. I told him no phone calls for at least one week too. I need the time to regroup. He agreed.

And God has truly softened my heart toward this man. I'm hoping, not quite to the point where I'm believing, he'll come home the man I love. We'll see.

Thanks everyone!

AJ29 · Apr 27, 2008

Lynn, that sounds like a really healthy step in the right direction!

I hope he comes home the man you love too!

hope4today · Apr 28, 2008

Lynn, I pray he will yeild to God and allow him to intervene in his life permanently.

I also pray for peace, strength, comfort and hope for you. I pray for your children, that God will help them to understand whatever they need to right now and that he will be their strength and peace to. I pray you have wisdom as you mother them and that you hear the voice of your Father speaking to you in every decision you make.

Bless you Lynn :hug:

LynnMcG · May 4, 2008

OK, it's been about a week and a half. Because he's in a different state, it didn't look like the insurance was going to cover his stay. But God intervened! Praise Him! What a HUGE relief for me. My DH thought he might have had to have come home after detox. I was so afraid to have to enforce that boundary, because I couldn't allow him to come home if he didn't do 28 days.

I'm going to see him this afternoon. I have to go to the hospital's counseling program before though. I 'm dreading that. It's a Catholic facility, but I don't know how this will go. Last time I had to go to program counseling all they did was try to get me to leave my husband. They didn't even bother listening to me. OR, they look at me like I have two heads and I'm sadly co-dependent. blech.

Thanks for all your help everyone. Hugs all around! God bless you!

nowhereville · May 7, 2008

Well not to sound negative, but don't let your guard down - keep your boundaries firmly in place.

He's an addict, they excel at "being" whatever you want them to be to smooth things over and I would know as I used to be one as well.

seige · May 7, 2008

It's okay to get a divorce if you or your spouse breaks their wedding vows? Seems like Jesus said, "God hates divorce" but under the "old law" it was still allowed in extreme cases. Wanna do something God hates? I don't! I don't know a married couple who hasn't broken one or two of their marriage vows- there has been times when we haven't cherished our spouse though we said we'd "love and cherish." I guess that means we've all got an "out" for getting divorced and still staying "right" with God.

Lynn, I am especially sorry for your situation but it seems that your husband is trying. Even if he was an unrepentant sinner I would say that you should "allow the unbeliever to leave" but not divorce him. I'm not saying keep your children and yourself in danger (I like the rule that you give him the meds) but divorce shouldn't be an option. If he gets abusive or is a danger then maybe you should go live with your parents for a while. I'm not saying he shouldn't deal with the consequences of his actions but your leaving him and ceasing to love him isn't okay (in my opinion).

I guess I should read the rest of the thread before posting! Lynn- you are an awesome Christian woman! Keep the faith!!!!!!

How many times have we turned our back on God and done the very things we told him we wouldn't do again? How many times does he forgive us? Earth is as close to hell as a Christian will ever get (conversely it is as close to heaven as a non-believer will ever get as well)! It's going to suck, it's going to be hard. None of us deserve the lives we have! The fact that anything good happens in our lives is proof of God's grace! Every day you love your husband even though he is unloveable you are showing your kids the way God loves them in a very, very concrete way (you are also showing your husband)!

I'm praying for you and your family (as well as the others who posted on this thread)!

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