I am in more emotional pain than I have ever felt

I used to come to this site all the time, but I went back to school full time and have not visited near as much since that took place. I was training to be a mod in the recovery forum, so I am most comfortable here. I know the people who frequent recovery are very strong, very understanding, and strong prayer warriors. This is what I need right now.

Several years ago (6) I was married to a man who molested my child. She was 11 at the time. We convicted him but he was only sentenced to probation, no jail time. This led to years of therapy for my kids and myself. I felt I failed her.

Now, 3 days ago, I am reading that child's text messages on her phone. I do this a lot to keep them safe. The kids know I do it. Well, I discovered my child who has always had such strong faith, such a strong desire to stay a virgin until marriage (aside from the molestation) has given that up. She went out with a boy and he pressured her. She gave in. She tried to claim she wanted it at first so that she could say she did not lose her virginity to the man who molested her. NOw she has admitted this boy pressured her and she did not have the courage to say no, she said nothing at all.

She and my husband(the only daddy she has ever known) have been going driving and talking for hours for the last 2 nights. She has admitted she did not want it but was afraid to say anything as this boy is the same size and even has the same name as the man who molested her years ago.

My heart is broken. Then because of all this she is having nightmares about the man who molested her. She has now said she thinks the man who molested her may have raped her but she does not know because she closed her eyes so tight all she could see was white. She has also told her dad that the reason she told about the molestation is because after the last time the man touched her he reached over to her little sister who was only 3 or 4 at the time and started rubbing her little sister's back which is how he began with her.

Now, let me add this convicted of two felonies is going to be off of his lousy 5 year probation this summer. We also are about to have to go to court as the daughter will be 18 this summer and has to get her own restraining order at that point the one I have will not work for her after she is 18.

I have not even allowed myself to deal with any emotion of this other than anger at this point. I am very sick right now with bronchitis or pneumonia and I have asthma so I know allowing myself to cry will make me sicker, so I am blocking it right now. My husband has cried for days. He cannot sleep when it is dark, only once the sun is up.

We have found out that she and the boy got into a fight screaming at one another and then she asked to come home and then said wait lets try to talk about this, so he drove to a construction area of a parking lot that is maybe 200 yards from my HOME and forced this upon her.

I feel I have failed my daughter. I wanted her first time to be with someone who loved her. Someone who would be gentle with her and understand her history. I wanted her to know and see that sex is a wonderful thing God gave humans who love one another as a way to express that love. But for her its not.

I can't joke with her about things like I did before. I can't stand to hear her say anything about a cute boy, I can't even begin to think about having sex with my own husband.

I have never ever hurt like this. I have been through a lot in my life, but for me to know the pain my daughter is in, and the pain she will continue to be in as she processes this more and more is killing me.

Please, pray for my family, for my daughter especially.

I thought we had done so well, come so far. She had given speeches at large schools to encourage kids to speak out if they were being abused. She has encouraged others to preserve their innocense. She said she was afraid to say no or try to stop this boy due to his size. He is twice her size if not 3 times her size. She has lost something she can never get back. She will not be able to have that first experience again, its gone. Its like that christian song that says "momentary lapse of reason and she gives herself away" Its more than just her body, or her virginity. The worst part is she did not love this boy, he did not love her, and he ditched her shortly afterward. Then sent her disgustingly crude messages to her phone.
She is going to be going back to see a counselor again, but its too late. Nothing can change what has happened. Its almost like a part of her has died. The night she told us she slept in bed with us, she just wanted to be close to us.I have 4 more kids who are younger than her and I can't imagine going through this pain 4 more times.

I have learned even more details the last few days. It was not once, and it was not forced or pressured. It was several times, and it was something she wanted. She says she had to know she was not a virgin because of a boy her age instead of the man who molested her. I just do not understand. I also do not understand why it took her 3 days to finally confess the complete truth.

She has been sleeping in the bed with me and hubby since all this took place. We fear letting her out of our sight. She has had 3 friends commit suicide in the last 2 years, not to mention the 2 or 3 lost to auto accidents.

We found out she turned off our security cameras once to sneak off with this boy who she says she did not and does not love.

I just do not understand and that is where I struggle. This has changed everything in my relationship with her and it has impacted our entire family.

I just wish I could rewind time and go back to the middle of February.

I hoped this would get easier but its not. Her dad was folding her laundry and folding her underwear put him in tears. She is the oldest of 5 kids, she was the most mature and responsible one we have. I feel like she just threw away something that was so important. I think she is still lying about not being pressured. I mean, she has broken up with boys for smoking cigarettes!

My husband and I keep fighting now. He is either mad or crying. None of us are sleeping, and my youngest is very very ill. Her lung function is down to 50%.

Why can't the rapture happen now, although given my recent emotions I am not sure I would be taken. I just want to stop hurting.