any men on here?

I am new on here. I am up in the middle of the night because of panic or anxiety waking me in the middle of the night (again). I am beginnng to get help again, I have never stuck with it not wanting meds, but this is hard for me to understand. I have fought depression and mental doubts (spiritual, feelings or unreality) all my life, am easily hyped, and have lived a very stressed life, it is now catching up. In the last year I have been to the emergency room several times, thinking a heart attack or something worse, several tests of all kinds. Prognosis is anxiety, panic, and I know depression. I have functioned ok on the outside, but always a terrible battle inward. Now I wake at night, short of breath, thinking I am losing it, facial numbness,hard to consentrate, foggy, etc. My hardest battle is where is the Lord? I know Him, I am in and have been various ministrys and live my life fully with my whole heart for the Lord. The dissapointment kills me. I watched my mother live and die addicted to pills and drinking-I feared and stayed away from that. Now I am almost forced to take meds, and have been fighting that over the years. I am getting worse, it is on and off but more frequent. I tried Zoloft for almost a week, the side effects were to much and I only had a half a pill and had to stop. I was given Zanex several months ago, and hardly use it, only a half pill on several occasions this past week. I hate the thought of pills, I beleive God heals, yet I am faced with this dsiparity of who I believe God is, and the reality of this tormenting situation. I feel like I am loosing control and my mind will just keep going down. Several other symptoms have developed recently, waves of dred or just depression come over me and change my mood in an instant. I have tried all the self help books on my own. I have sought prayer for healing, I feel desparate and just can't understand what is happening. I am not in any sin, unforgiveness, rebellion, etc. I know the word and the promises, that seems to be the hardest thing for me right now. My wife is no help, she is the biggest sorce of stress aside from my job. I only say that becasue no one knows me here, and I am not tring to put her down in any way. I love her but just being honest. Lfe is a continual up hill battle and I feel like I am losing right now. I need to try to go back to sleep if I can, I am rambing on, just venting. If there are any men out there I would appreciate a responce, from anyone would be ok.
God bless, Bob
(What I meant was it looked like mostly women posting on this topic, I just was wondering if any other men had these issues. I wasn't tring to limit any responces from a women-any help appreciated.)

Thanks for the responce Joe Joe. Although I am struggling big time right now, I still know God is in control and will not walk away from the only One who matters. (I may not "feel" like it is true right now, but in my heart I know it is)
This is just such a parodox and hard to understand, but we are not alone, reading others having simular problems in one way helps-like you are not isolated and the only one who suffers these things.
On one hand I feel so helpless, but on the other I am thankfull that I am saved, and never would want to cause any discouragement to others.
Hang in there, I don't have any other answer right now, I can't even figure out my own problem, but I will pray for you my brother. God bless, Bob

Thanks Silver - I thought today about another low time like this many years back. The Lord did bring me through-I must beleive He will again, not only me but all that are His. God bless.