Friends first, relationship later...

JPPT1974

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YongShi

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Speaking as someone who has had previous experience with dating, I would rather be good friends with a guy and know him well first before diving into a relationship with him. If you start dating someone before you've established the firm foundation of friendship and you decide later on that he/she might not be the one for you, break-up would be pretty difficult, especially if the relationship has already progressed somewhat onto a deeper level (but you just decide that you'd rather slow things down or remain friends with him/her). Often times, couples who jump into a relationship right away are most likely responding to momentary feelings and emotions that may fade after a while. But true love is everlasting, based on mutual understanding and deep respect for one another despite whatever weaknesses and flaws both have. If two people are merely acquaintances yet fall in love based upon their "feelings," what would happen if those feelings disappeared? What then is left? A hollow relationship that had not so much been established from previous friendship but instead having stemmed from temporary attraction based upon infatuation.

This was what happened with me and my previous boyfriend. I liked him when I first met him; then I found out later that he liked me as well when he had told me his feelings. So it was only natural that we started dating, but everything began accelerating rapidly after that. After a while, I started becoming confused about where our relationship was headed and how well we had actually connected with each other toward the beginning because I developed a more serious attitude about our relationship after some time. I told him my concerns and for now, we've decided to slow things down and go back to our original friendship stage to build off upon that first. But this might be a bit difficult considering that we have dated in the past and we would probably still retain feelings for one another throughout. But now I hope to place emphasis not so much upon the romantic intimacy itself, but rather, upon understanding and the cherishing of one another.
 
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Q

Quoth

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Ideally, I'd love to have a friend for six months or so before we start dating. However, all my female friends I've wanted to date have told me I'm "like a brother" to them. I'm still waiting for a woman to decode that.

As much as I'd love to be friends first, it just doesn't work out for me that way. I'm starting to think I'm meant to be single for the rest of my life anyway, but the beer I'm drinking isn't in celebration.
Sorry if I come across as asking for pity. Just trying to offer an opinion when I'm not in the most positive of moods.
 
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Manda_24

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hmmm i have come to the conclusion that it works for some and not for others!

Exactly. I said earlier what worked for me in the relationship I'm in now and that was being friends first. And guys, don't be too scared of the friend zone, this guy got out of it. People would ask me about him and I and I would say he's just Ben, I don't know that I see him as anything other than a friend, we also have a really weird connection from 15 years ago too that made me not really consider dating him, and now here I am dating him,. Now with one of my roommates her and her now fiancé just started dating, another roommate was friends first then he asked her out, and the third they were kinda friends first. What works is different for everyone.
 
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KingsDaughter7

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Ideally, I'd love to have a friend for six months or so before we start dating. However, all my female friends I've wanted to date have told me I'm "like a brother" to them. I'm still waiting for a woman to decode that.

As much as I'd love to be friends first, it just doesn't work out for me that way. I'm starting to think I'm meant to be single for the rest of my life anyway, but the beer I'm drinking isn't in celebration.
Sorry if I come across as asking for pity. Just trying to offer an opinion when I'm not in the most positive of moods.
Oh I think when they say you're like a brother they mean that they arnt interested in dating u...there are several reasons for that; either they're interested in someone else and it has nothing to do with you. Or...you dont come accross as relationship material...sorry.
Hope that helped ;) And if you were meant to be single for the rest of your life God would not have given you the desire to have a relationship. Just remember that God knows the plans he has for you..plans to give you hope and a future.
 
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I've seen too many people jump romantically in a relationship with a person they didn't know very well, only to find out they wasn't the person they thought they were, gave trust when it wasn't deserved, give a part of themselves they should have never given and end up with regrets.
If you start out with being friends first, that can help you control yourself, your thoughts, your heart and not do anything that you will regret later.
Any long time relationships anywho must have good communication between the two and that can only lead to a closer relationship. :)
 
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Dean Anderson

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I've never been very good at remaining "just friends" with someone I was interested in dating. It usually lasts about a week before I get involved in a relationship.

However, my last relationship started with our first date and it was the longest I've ever had (10 months). We got too physical (don't worry, we never had sex), and never really talked (not that I ever really talked to my previous two either). So, she broke up with me due to communication problems.

We decided the break up was caused, in part, due to the fact that we were never really friends. So we stayed friends, and, though we see each other once a week (I go to college, she's taking a semester off due to personal reasons), we talk on the phone virtually every day. We hold hands a lot more often than we used to, and we talk a lot more than we used to. We're dating as "just friends" right now, because she's not ready for a relationship at the moment (her personal reasons).

What is everyone's opinion on the friends first thing? Is that how you prefer your relationships to start?

Neither of us are ready for real relationships right now, because we're both in separate bad situations. Her personal problems are causing her to need three or four surgeries over the next few months.

Meanwhile, I'm trying to remove myself from a bad living situation, which may also take some time. I also have other responsiblities that are time consuming, including: Work, school, and physical therapy (back/leg problems:mad:). Hopefully this will die down once I'm done with therapy and move into an apartment.

I have no time for myself, while she is unable to leave her house, with the exceptions of her operations, of course.


Pray for us both please.
I think the fact that we care about each other, God, and a whole lotta prayer will help us get through this.
 
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justanobserver

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What is everyone's opinion on the friends first thing? Is that how you prefer your relationships to start?

If you plan on or want a relationship with someone, you gotta be friends first or it will never work. just my humble opinon only of course.
 
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Peacemonger

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Platonicity? No. Never. I attribute a permanent trait to that.

But getting to know a girl before we're together as a couple? Mandatory.

I think people here have different definitions of "friendship," so it's a very poor word choice.

To me, when I think "friends," I think "zero chemistry forever and ever." But I do think it is mandatory to get to know a girl before you date her.
 
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S

SpiritualAntiseptic

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Ideally, I'd love to have a friend for six months or so before we start dating. However, all my female friends I've wanted to date have told me I'm "like a brother" to them. I'm still waiting for a woman to decode that.

It means they aren't attracted to you.

A brother might be a really nice guy, who they enjoy being around. But unlike a typical guy friend, they never want to have anything physical with their brother.

Guy's pull the same thing with the "you aren't my type" line.
 
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