my ocd battles

drummingman · Dec 13, 2007

im in a mess in my head right now that im trying to get out of so i can drum and listen to music. it goes like this, last night i think that i may have told God i wont pray about things in the same old way that i was doing. but i feel like i need to to get past this stuff. so now im praying and begging God to make it ok for me to pray in the old way. but because of the thoughts and other things i dont know if he is doing what im begging. so im afraid that if God has not done what i have asked if i go ahead and pray in the old way that he will not answer my prayers because of not makeing it ok from me to pray in the old way.
i get in these traps in my head and they are so hard to get out of. i just want everything to be ok with me and God and for him to make everything ok with drums and music. i cant get anywhere in my life as a drummer because of all of this stuff. its really causing me a lot of pain.
i dont know if anybody is reading my posts in this thread anymore. i post in the hopes that someone still is. i know that some of you have left great posts for me to read, and i have read them. i know that it must seem like nothing ever gets through to me. but i do try my best. i just cant seem to get on track and stay on track. the most that i can tell that i have been able to stay on track with music and drums in over 1 year has been about 1 week. i dont want to just get on track for just 1 or 2 days, or even just 1 week. i want to get on track and stay on track for good.
this stuff is causing me so much depresseion and pain in my soul. im watching my dreams and goals as a musician go down the drain because of this stuff in my head. that very fact causes me so much pain that i cant even put it in to words.
these battles come just one after the other all the time. i feel like im just banging my head against a brick wall all the time trying to get through this stuff. and it hurts. but i dont know what else i really can do because i dont know if God is doing the things from me that im begging him to do. i say this because of the awful thoughts and all the other things that come at me and that i feel like i do when i beg for God to do things for me.
so what can i do to get through all of this and know that God has done what i have begged and know that im not doing anything wrong when i do anything with drums and music?

BeccaLynn · Dec 13, 2007

Drummingman,

The thing with OCD is that the questions never ever end. They are posed first this way and then that way, but it seems to always come down to basic fear. Fear is the driving force of it all. Fear of losing someone or something we love, fear of not being right with God, fear of this and that. The list is endless with each of us. But, it seems there is a theme for each one of us as well. I think that there is godly fear, fearing God out of reverence and the knowledge of how awesome He is and how holy His word is. Then there's the ungodly fear that comes from our misconceptions about Him. He's about giving. He gave so that we might live. Maybe we need to really search out the character of God and stop seeing Him as a figure who is always waiting for us to mess up so He can pounce on us. It's too hard to serve and love one that we see in that way. I've had people talk to me before about God's everlasting love for me, and it would just go in one ear and out the other. My fears were much bigger than their words. But, these fears are not bigger than God. We are making them out to be, but they really aren't. I encourage you to search out the love of God in scriptures. We cannot develop a relationship with one whom we are afraid is unfair, unusually cruel, and disinterested in our well-being. I'm praying for you. We all need prayer and encouragement, not just you. Don't beat yourself up for not having it all together. None of us do.

Rebecca

drummingman · Dec 16, 2007

i still really feel trapped in my situation. i feel like God is not doing what im begging him to do because of the awful thoughts and all the other bad things that comes when i pray.

drummingman · Dec 18, 2007

it seems that everytime i get out of the messes that im in i get myself right back into them. i keep blurting out words to try and block the bad thoughts but then i feel like God holds me to not doing things based off of the words that i blurt out. and most of the time it has to do with drums and music. but i cant stop blurting out the words eventhough i want to.
if God is not holding me to not doing things when it comes to drums and music based off of the words that i blurt out how can i know? i feel like i have to pray and ask God to not hold me to these things, but when i pray about it i get more bad thoughts and i feel like im giving God the middle finger and other stuff that is bad is going on. and so because of this i feel like God does not do what im begging him to do for me. so it becomes a trap for me because i cant stop the bad thoughts and all the other bad stuff from happening when im praying, so then i feel like God does not do what im begging him to do because of the bad thoughts and the other bad things, so i feel like i cant do the things that i want to do with music and drums.
please pray for me because this is a very hard struggle for me that is causing me a lot of pain. when im like this i cant listen to music or play the drums, i cant even think about music and drums because of fear that i will be doing something wrong by doing so. if you have anymore advice i would like to hear it.
thanks

gracealone · Dec 18, 2007

drummingman said:
it seems that everytime i get out of the messes that im in i get myself right back into them. i keep blurting out words to try and block the bad thoughts but then i feel like God holds me to not doing things based off of the words that i blurt out. and most of the time it has to do with drums and music. but i cant stop blurting out the words eventhough i want to.
if God is not holding me to not doing things when it comes to drums and music based off of the words that i blurt out how can i know? i feel like i have to pray and ask God to not hold me to these things, but when i pray about it i get more bad thoughts and i feel like im giving God the middle finger and other stuff that is bad is going on. and so because of this i feel like God does not do what im begging him to do for me. so it becomes a trap for me because i cant stop the bad thoughts and all the other bad stuff from happening when im praying, so then i feel like God does not do what im begging him to do because of the bad thoughts and the other bad things, so i feel like i cant do the things that i want to do with music and drums.
please pray for me because this is a very hard struggle for me that is causing me a lot of pain. when im like this i cant listen to music or play the drums, i cant even think about music and drums because of fear that i will be doing something wrong by doing so. if you have anymore advice i would like to hear it.
thanks

Hi drummingman,
I don't know if this will help you but it's important to notice that you are basing your information about God on your feelings of fear which is of course is the OCD at work. (marked in bold). We cannot define God or His intentions toward us by our feelings. Our knowledge of God is only based in Scripture and the incarnate Christ. We shall never have exhaustive knowledge about God because He is infinite and we are finite. We just haven't the capacity for it. If we base our knowledge of God and His intentions upon our feelings of fear or even upon feelings of emotional highs we are basing them upon very fickle and unstable things. We cannot and should not trust our emotions but we can choose to trust Him and His Word because He alone is the only one who is wholly trustworthy. We have to say to our fear/anxiety - "So what!" I'm not going to let you bully me around anymore. I'm going to just press on with or without your presence until the fear get's the point that we aren't going to run or fight anymore.
Still praying for you.
Mitzi

BeccaLynn · Dec 20, 2007

Hi Drummingman,

I hope things are going much better for you. I'll try to PM you soon, when I have time to actually sit and think through a message. I'll be praying for you.

Rebecca

drummingman · Dec 21, 2007

hi mitzi. thanks for your thoughts.
you are right about not basing things off of my feelings. but my feelings is a huge part of what keeps me all messed up. i feel like God does not do what i beg him to do because of the awful thoughts and other bad things that happen when i pray. but the thing about that that also messes me up is that i dont know if God is not answering my prayers because of the bad things or if it is just my ocd and the devil telling me that. i have to really try to move in faith on just about everything. and when i feel like im wrong on something i get confused because i dont know if thats just the ocd and the devil messing with me or if i really am doing something wrong by doing the things that i want to do with drums and music. and when i do feel like im wrong it messes me up so bad most times that i just have to keep praying about it trying to get things where i feel like everything is ok. so my feelings have me all messed up most of the times. so i become paralyzed in the situation. i mean, i do do my best to move forward, but i get stuck in spots that i cant get out of.
for me to try to just ignore all of this stuff in my head i fear that by doing so that i may be sinning or doing something wrong.
i wont stop praying because of the bad things that happen when i pray. but the bad things makes me feel like God does not do what i beg him to do for me when im praying. it can be bad thoughts or a whole bunch of other things that makes me feel like God is not doing what i beg. so i have to keep begging the same things over and over again trying not to get any bad thoughts and trying not to do anything wrong when im praying. after awhile ( i can get stuck for days, although that does not always happen) i finally feel like God does what i beg even though i get the bad thoughts and all the other stuff when i pray. but as soon as i get through 1 thing something else comes to take its place and then the whole painful process starts over again.
thanks rebecca for your thoughts and prayers.

ChristianGuitarMan112190 · Dec 21, 2007

Same thing here man!! I'm a musician mainly guitar!! I stopped for a month I stopped working out and everything!! Just because my OCD got worse, there were times it got so bad that I got so upset I had almost suicidal thoughts, the truth is here God doesn't want that, use your talents to worship him!! When I got back into it all, I felt like a million bucks!! My OCD is affective all day long but just ignore it, occupy your mind youll never know its happening!! There were times when itd take me 2 hours to type something this length cause id have to constantly counter thoughts, God don't want that!! I switched my brains activaty too God!!

drummingman · Dec 22, 2007

hey christianguitarman. thanks for your thoughts.
for me i keep feeling like i get trapped by what i say and do. like, i feel like i get trapped to where i cant pray about what i need to pray about so i can go forward (all this has to do with drumming and music). so then i have to keep begging God to make it ok for me to pray what i need to pray, but when i do this i get awful thoughts and other bad things that makes me feel like God is not making it ok for me to pray what i need to pray. so i get stuck in the situation. so what can i do to get out of the situation?

marcb · Dec 22, 2007

drummingman said:
so then i have to keep begging God to make it ok for me to pray what i need to pray, but when i do this i get awful thoughts and other bad things that makes me feel like God is not making it ok for me to pray what i need to pray. so i get stuck in the situation. so what can i do to get out of the situation?

I think the only thing to do is to continue to pray to our Lord, who is merciful and understands all. Does the Lord hear and welcome praryer from those who stutter? Absolutely. Does the Lord hear our prayers, as imperfect and full of awful thoughts? I believe He does. The Holy Spirit intercedes for our prayers. We have a perfect translator that searches our hearts and turns the groans of our hearts into a perfect prayer to our Father. If we cross a line (real or perceived), Jesus represents and forgives us. Blessed Trinity!

What would be better? No prayer because we fear it would be imperfect, or our imperfect prayers without ceasing?

drummingman · Dec 23, 2007

thanks for your thoughts marcb. i know that i will never give up praying because of my ocd. its just my ocd makes praying about things that are important to me very hard most times.

drummingman · Dec 24, 2007

i just get in this bondage in my mind where i feel like God is holding me to not praying about the things that i need to pray about based off of the things that i do wrong and think that are wrong (awful thoughts). i then feel trapped in the situation because i have to keep praying begging God to make it ok for me to pray about what i need to, but when im begging im getting all the awful thoughts and other awful things that makes me feel like God is not doing what im begging. as is im trying to believe that he has done what i have begged so that in my next prayer i can pray what i need to pray about. but its a very hard battle.
see, if i cant pray what i need to pray about (in this case begging God to forgive me if i said or thought that i would not play crazy and fast foot patterns on my feet off and on the drums) i get stuck to where i feel like i cant do those things. then i feel trapped like i cant get out of the situation because i feel like i cant pray about it, and i need to pray about it so i can ask God to forgive me if i said or thought that i would not do these things so that im able to do these things.
all of this is really hard on me. when im in a battle like this i feel like i cant allow myself to think about drums and music and i feel like i cant allow myself to listen to drums and music both because i feel like i will be doing something wrong by doing these things. that means that i have to take one of my greatest passions in my life and push it away from me. and this causes me great pain and heartache.
everytime i get to where i feel like i can pray about what i need to pray about i always do or think or say something that makes me think and feel like God has made it not ok for me to pray about what i need to pray about. so i can never stay out of the struggle for very long. but i want so bad to be able to pray about the things i need to. but when i beg to be able to pray about what i need to here come the awful thoughts and i feel like im doing things that are wrong and sinful that makes me think and feel like God is not doing what im begging for.
i dont know how to live in the true freedom of God because 99% of the time i feel all bound up in these struggles. and the weight of these struggles just beats me way down. i know that God is not a God of bondage, but i feel so bound up in all of these struggles. so what can i do to make things better forever and still be right and ok with God? i know there has to be a way to make things right and better with God and still be right and ok in in my relationship with God.
i just really really need help with these things.

drummingman · Dec 26, 2007

do any of you get trapped by the things that you say and doand think that makes you feel like God holds you to not being able to pray about the things you need to pray about the most? this is a HUGE problem for me. im battling with it on the issue of my salvation right now. meaning, i feel like i said or thought that i would not pray about my salvation to be saved if im not already saved. so i then fear that if i just go ahead and pray to be saved if im not already without making sure that it is ok with God that God may not answer my prayer and save me if im not already saved. but when i get to where i feel like i can pray to be saved if im not already i think or say something that makes me feel like i may be being held by God to not being able to pray to be saved if im not already.
the whole issue of feeling like i cant pray the things that i need to most because of fear that God wont answer my prayers untill i get it to where i can pray about the things that i need to the most really causes me a lot of problems. a lot can happen that makes me feel like i cant pray what i need to the most. and like i said, if i just try to ignore it and push through and pray i fear that God wont answer my prayer because of me being held to not praying the things that i need to the most because of something that i thought or said. as you can imagine this is really scary when you feel like you may not be saved and you fee like you cant pray to be saved or you feel like you have walked away from God and you feel like you cant pray tobe saved and taken back.
when i beg God to make it ok for me to pray the things that i need to most times i really battle with awful thoughts and things like that that makes me feel like God is not doing what im begging ( you all that have read most of my posts know that i really struggle with feeling like God does not do what i beg him to do because of awful thoughts that i think, if its really me, or that i get and because of feeling like im doing awful things when i pray). this becomes a huge trap for me that a lot of the times i feel like i cant get out of. i say this because if i cant pray what i need to pray then the issues that i desperately need to get resolved feel like they dont get resolved because of feeling like i cant pray about those things and because of feeling like if i just go ahead and pray about those things before i know that God has made it ok for me to then God wont answer my prayer.
does anyone else deal with this kind of thing or even something that is somewhat like it? if so how do you get get past it to where you can pray about what you need to and know that God is doing what your begging?
it helps me to talk about my problems so thats why i post so often. i talk to people in the hopes that by doing so things will really get better for me. i worry about people getting sick of me talking to them about my problems or posting so much though in the fourms that i post in. i really never want to be a burden to people. but at the same time i know that i need help with my problems. this puts me in a somewhat difficult position because i really dont want to drive people away from me but i really do need help. am i the only one that feels this way? im sure that im not but i still want to ask.

parad0xical · Dec 27, 2007

Hey drummingman.

The issues of salvation, and worshiping God, and God taking away gifts etc. is really quite common for us with OCD. Truely.

In fact, I feel I've been blessed tonight, 'cause I only just found this section of this site, and have seen so many variations of what I face myself.

This is a sign that God is saying to me: 'Hold on son, I'm not going to give up on you'.

You should see this too.

One thing that helped me, was to know of God's ultimate Sovreignty.
If it is in God's will for me to be saved, and I have accepted his offer, I am saved. Period.
Unless I quite clearly say to God "I don't believe in you anymore", and then I go out to get drunk, and to have pre-marital sex, and whatnot, I am saved.

No matter what thoughts pop into my head. No matter what feelings I get, God has forgiven me.

God does not give up on us easily either. Once we come to him, he'll hold onto us, and nudge us for so long.
Heck, the very fact that you're worried about losing your salvation is proof that you are saved.

I know it can be hard to think logically when we have an OCD attack.
I remember when I went through a bad stage of locking doors.
I'd lock it about three times, then I'd test to make sure the door wouldn't open by turning the handle over and over. Then I'd walk down the stairs, and I'd go back up and check again. Then I would be halfway down my street, when I'd have to walk back and check to see if the door was still locked.
I knew the door was locked through all this. I knew it was stupid me having to check the door 1,000,000,000 times... but I still did, because of the feat that I hadn't locked the door.
How did I get over it?
I would lock the door, I would check, and I would walk. But I would not turn back. The feeling was gut wrenching, almost like my stomach was being twisted pulled out of my body. But, I'd keep walking. I physically, and mentally made myself walk and not turn back to see if the door was locked. That's the only way to defeat it dude. And this is what others have said as well.

The horrible thoughts? I used to get those too. Lustful thoughts I didn't want to have. I would then punish myself for those thoughts, for allowing them into my mind.

Look at it this way:
Everytime you try to get right with God, the thoughts come.
They are there to distract you from God.
And the more they distract you, the happier the devil is.
I wouldn't be begging God over and over. I'd be saying:
"Stuff you satan. I will pray to God, and I don't care what I've said, I don't care what I've thought, I don't care what my fingers have done, or will do. I will pray to God, and God will forgive me! For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate me from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus my Lord. This includes OCD. Stuff you satan. I am in God's hands now."

What does it take to overcome an OCD attack? Prayer and mindpower. When you do eventually pray, ask for God's forgiveness, knowing that if it is his will he will forgive you, reguardless of what you have or haven't done (and believe me, it is His will, otherwise he wouldn't have been beaten, cursed at, and crucified for you). Then, ask God to take the burden of these attacks from you, and know that if it is his will, your prayers will be answered.
I'd also encourage you to continue with the thearapy and the meds. After all, it is a medical problem, and it is able to be controlled.

May God continue to be with you,
-th3o.

drummingman · Dec 29, 2007

hi th3o. thanks for your post.
at the moment im dealing with fear about my salvation. i was watching a movie about the apostle john being on the island of patmos where he recived the revelation from God. in the movie there were christians suffering and being killed for the faith. while i was watching it i started to say to myself "im proud to be a christian", but i think that i might have stopped and not finished what i said at one point. so i have since become afraid that but stopping and not saying "im proud to be a christian" to myself that i may have not said it for some awful reason, meaning im afraid that i did not say it because im not proud to be a christian. so this has causedme great fear when it comes to my salvation because im afraid that by stopping and not finishing the words "im proud to be a christian" that God would trun his back on my or that i forfeited my salvation.
i set up time periods for not praying because of bad thoughts and things like that all the time. i think that what might have happened is that because i was in a time period for not praying that i thought that by saying "im proud to be a christian" i would be breaking that time period and praying by saying "im proud to be a christian". i think thats why i may have stopped what i was saying. but im not sure. the reason why i would be afraid of praying when i said that i would not is because i have delt with major issues in the past where when i prayed when i said that i would not i have felt like God had punished me by taking away drums and music. but like i said, im not sure if that is why i stopped when i was saying "im proud to be a christian.
i have since begged God to forgive me for stopping when i was saying "im proud to be a christian". i have also since told God that "i am proud to be a christian". all of this just makes me very afraid that i have sinned and messed up in a way that would cause God to turn away from me and cause God to send me to hell. i hope that God has forgiven me even if i stopped when i was saying "im proud to be a christian" even if i stopped saying that for the worst of reasons, like if i was not proud to be a christian in that moment and thats why i stopped (i hope that i was not not proud to be a christian in that moment or any moment in my life since i have been a christian, but that is one of my fears as to why i may have stopped when i was saying "im proud to be a christian"). i hope that God has forgiven me if i have messed up in an awful way or in multiple awful ways when i stopped when i was saying "im proud to be a christian".
if any of you have any thoughts on this i would like to here them. thanks.

gracealone · Dec 29, 2007

drummingman said:
hi th3o. thanks for your post.

drummingman said:
at the moment im dealing with fear about my salvation.

Hi Drummingman,
I only selected this one quote from your post because it is the root fearful obession that all of your other obsessional, intrusive unwanted thoughts/spikes are pointing to.
I still recommend professional treatment for your OCD from someone experienced in exposure/response therapy. But here's my two cents on the matter for what it's worth.
THis is OCD and therefore it has to be treated as OCD and not as a spiritual problem in order for you to get well again. You must not depend on your feelings to validate your salvation. (Go to your posts and count all the times you mention the word feel or feelings.) If our salvation was dependant on our feelings of reassurance we'd all be sunk, because we all experience changing moods.
You are not really looking for facts in order to obtain reassurance because in reading your posts I can tell you already know what the scriptures say in regards to sin and salvation. What you are looking for is a "feeling" of reassurance and certainty. But your OCD will not allow that because your fight of flight center is not functioning properly and is giving you a mis-perception of grave danger in regard to these unwanted, intrusive thoughts.
So I won't give you any more reassurance's, because if I do it will appear to your mind that your fearful feelings about these thoughts are actually valid. This will cause them to get even more imbedded into your consciousness. The more attention you give these thoughts the more vicious the cycle becomes. 1. Intrusive thought pops into your mind, 2. You get that gut wrenching stab of anxiety, 3. You begin to try and rid yourself of the thought and the feelings by 4. Arguing with the thought, looking for reassurance that the thought isn't true, avoiding behaviors which bring on the thought, doing compulsive mental or physical activities to try and undo the thought.. which brings us back to 1. the thought is still there but now it's bigger than before, 2. the anxiety is stronger, 3. the mental compulsive activity is taking up more and more of your waking hours... and round and round you go and the longer the cycle continues the harder it is to get off the hampster wheel.
You must practice stopping this process by not going beyond step number 2. You will get the thoughts, you cannot stop them and you will get the accompanying anxiety until your brain gets used to the presence of the thoughts. But if you get into step number 3..and beyond you'll begin to feel much worse.
So expect the thoughts and the anxiety as part of the disorder called OCD... but don't allow them to bully you into the compulsive activities of steps 3 and 4. Just let them come into your consciousness and float around but don't give them any attention at all.
Think of them as buzzing bee's. You might not like bee's being there but bee's can't hurt you unless you begin to swat at them.. then you make them angry and they will not only buzz louder but might even sting you and call up more troops to intensify their attack.
You need to put the swatter down buddy...live with the bee's until your brain becomes so used to them that it barely even notices their presence any more.
I know I take a hard line about religious OCD but it's only because I've done a lot of this kind of "swatting" myself and it only made me sicker.
Exposure/response is the only thing that's helped my OCD. Just as my blood pressure medicine is helped by taking my blood pressure pill. OCD has to be treated as OCD in order for any one who has it to get better.
Hang in there... you can beat this thing!
Mitzi

drummingman · Dec 30, 2007

thanks mitzi for such a good post. you have a lot wisdom in dealing wiht ocd. i know that the things that you told me to do in dealing with the ocd are the right things, but its very hard for me to hold onto those things when things get bad in my mind and emotions. i do see a psychologist for therapy and and psychiatrist for meds. the psychologist has had me write scripts for dealing with the ocd, based out of the book "feedom from obsessive compulsive disorder" by jonathan grayson. the thing that really gets me in the battles most times is that i get to where i cant tell what is the pcd and what is really a spiritual problem. i know that the ocd is mixed up in the spiritual problem but a lot of the times if it is just the ocd and nothing else i cant tell. i get very confused as to what God is holding me too or not and if God has done what i have begged or not. and like you said, when this stuff is going on im battling with feelings a lot. so that can add a ton of confusion.
i really want to get better from ocd to where the ocd has no power over me. i just get afraid and confused to where im not able to tell what the right thing to do and believe aboout the situations that i find myself in is. and at time i think i do know what the right things to do is but a lot of times im not able to do it because of my fears and feelings and thoughts.

drummingman · Dec 31, 2007

i have been pretty depressed tonight because of always having to deal with some kind of struggle that wont let me get back on track in my life. a lot of the people that i talk to say that it is all my ocd and that it is really not a spiritual problem, but i get confused to where i cant tell. so i go from one battle to the next with them all having the same effect on my music and drumming. and i alos still deal with battles when it comes to my walk with God as well. of coarse my walk with God comes first and then music and drumming comes third ( my friends and family come second, but thenk God my ocd does not really attack that area).
i want to be able to beat all these sturggles so that everything stays good and ok with my walk with God and with music and drumming.

drummingman · Dec 31, 2007

as is its just one battle after another. i dont know how to get off of the path of one battle after another. i keep doing and saying things that get me into these battles in my head that are so hard to get out of. what can i really do to make things better? i beg God to forgive me for the awful things that i say and do, and to not punish me in any way, but its so hard for me to tell if and when God does the things that i beg for.
all of the battles are either about my salvation and walk with God or about drumming and music. and like i said, i just go from one battle to another about these things. im trying the best i can to go on faith and not my feelings ( because my feelings get so messed up to where i cant tell right from wrong based off of my feelings), but its hard for me to try and ignore my feelings.

drummingman · Jan 1, 2008

does anyone have any thoughts on my last post? if so i would like to hear them.

my ocd battles

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