Santa Claus is dying
AP -
It appears that the holly, jolly St. Nick has been given a very short time to live.
In a statement released by Johns Hopkins Hospital earlier today, doctors for Mr. Claus revealed that the elderly benefactor has been diagnosed with an acute, terminal, and untreatable latter-stage form of lung cancer caused by centuries of chimney soot inhalation.
Stated in a decades-old news release, of a Santa sighting by a Tacoma, Washington man, were the words, "he was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot, and his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot". Most likely the accumulation of that soot caused Mr. Claus to contract the cancer early on in his tenure of what many consider to be the world's greatest philanthropist, said doctors early Monday morning at a hushed press conference.
Although he labors in the chimneys for only one night of 365, keeping the North Pole in tip-top shape the other 364, doctors discovered that exposure to the soot over centuries of those single nights were enough to cause contraction of the fatal disease.
"I'm just going to keep on working for all those precious children as long as I can", quipped a tearful Mr. Claus, holding the hand of his wife and lifelong companion Gladys. The Clauses, who celebrated 1,473 years of marriage last August, are keeping hope alive that they themselves may receive their own miracle, as thanks for the untold billions of small miracles they have brought to children, and for the cheer, gladness, and goodwill they have engendered.
Named for a fourth-century patron saint of children, "St. Nicholas" has been dedicated to his volunteer duty for several centuries. His likeness and image were officially incorporated here in the United States in the earlier part of the 20th century, when Coca-Cola emblazoned caricatures of Mr. Claus grasping a bottle of the soft drink on holiday promotional posters.
Known for a special twinkle in his eyes, rosy red cheeks, and stout figure, he is beloved the world over as the fatherly icon of choice for children everywhere. Doctors have promised him no more than a full year, and during that time, he plans to keep laboring at the Pole and says he has no plans to cancel next year's annual global flight.
"I may have one more Christmas left in me - maybe two. We will see what the future holds, God willing. I must keep on. This is for the children, and I will not disappoint them."
AP -
It appears that the holly, jolly St. Nick has been given a very short time to live.
In a statement released by Johns Hopkins Hospital earlier today, doctors for Mr. Claus revealed that the elderly benefactor has been diagnosed with an acute, terminal, and untreatable latter-stage form of lung cancer caused by centuries of chimney soot inhalation.
Stated in a decades-old news release, of a Santa sighting by a Tacoma, Washington man, were the words, "he was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot, and his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot". Most likely the accumulation of that soot caused Mr. Claus to contract the cancer early on in his tenure of what many consider to be the world's greatest philanthropist, said doctors early Monday morning at a hushed press conference.
Although he labors in the chimneys for only one night of 365, keeping the North Pole in tip-top shape the other 364, doctors discovered that exposure to the soot over centuries of those single nights were enough to cause contraction of the fatal disease.
"I'm just going to keep on working for all those precious children as long as I can", quipped a tearful Mr. Claus, holding the hand of his wife and lifelong companion Gladys. The Clauses, who celebrated 1,473 years of marriage last August, are keeping hope alive that they themselves may receive their own miracle, as thanks for the untold billions of small miracles they have brought to children, and for the cheer, gladness, and goodwill they have engendered.
Named for a fourth-century patron saint of children, "St. Nicholas" has been dedicated to his volunteer duty for several centuries. His likeness and image were officially incorporated here in the United States in the earlier part of the 20th century, when Coca-Cola emblazoned caricatures of Mr. Claus grasping a bottle of the soft drink on holiday promotional posters.
Known for a special twinkle in his eyes, rosy red cheeks, and stout figure, he is beloved the world over as the fatherly icon of choice for children everywhere. Doctors have promised him no more than a full year, and during that time, he plans to keep laboring at the Pole and says he has no plans to cancel next year's annual global flight.
"I may have one more Christmas left in me - maybe two. We will see what the future holds, God willing. I must keep on. This is for the children, and I will not disappoint them."
