Should I??

gracealone · Sep 6, 2007

I'm not sure I should even be writing this post, so the title "Should I".. is fitting in more than one way.

What the ,"should I" is about is a question that has been with me for about a year and a half now. Over the past couple years I've had the, very scary, opportunity to share publicly to Christian groups about my experiences of living with anxiety disorders. I have overlapping disorders that include, severe - panic disorder, mild - agoraphobia, (no longer a problem), generalised anxiety disorder and severe OCD of the pure "O" variety. I have had the joy of hearing that my story has encouraged others who suffer in the same way.

Any way well over a year ago I began to write a book about living as a Christian with these disorders. It's been a on and off project that I am never really certain I should even be attempting. Then this last winter when I got really sick again with OCD, I thought that God was punishing me for ever speaking up about the disorder, which in retrospect was just my OCD lying to me again. But I still wrestle tremendously with the question of , should I really do this?
The book would have three different sections. The first would be about my own personal story/testimony of living with the disorder as a Christian. The second part would be about practical coping strategies for overcoming the disorder. The third would be aimed at educating the Christian community about the nature of these disorders. The goal would be to hope that body of Christ could learn to show compassion toward people with these disorders intstead of heaping blame and shame on top of those who are already in so much pain.

What follows are the hurdles that I have to get over in order to just get on with it and finish the book, which for now lies in a disjointed, and unorganised thick file.

1. Who am I to even think that I could or should attempt such a thing? (I often feel silly and ridiculous for even trying.)
2. I'm too undisciplined. I'll think of any excuse to keep me from just getting the job done.
3. If I do this... I might get sick again and how could someone who fails so often and so miserably at overcoming these disorders be of any help or encouragement to others.
4. I will be attacked for doing it. I already have been publicly mocked for sharing in the past and several well meaning people have pointed out that I only need to have faith... and just give it all to the Lord...it's all just the sin of worry etc. etc. (Which by the way, I'm all too ready to believe, because I have OCD, the doubting disease.) I also avoid confrontation as much a possible - it makes me feel physically ill.
5. Writing it is hard. It stirs up my OCD to write it, it opens old wounds, it often causes me to cry. I guess what I'm saying is that it isn't a pleasant task.
6. How on earth would I go about getting something like this published?? Would anyone even want to read it? Would I just be wasting my time on something pointless?

So.. what do you guys think, should I?? I have to tell you that I'm extremely embarrassed to even ask this of all of you... I feel so unqualified to attempt such a thing but the urge to just get it down on paper and get it over with never leaves me.
Please be honest with me? I won't be offended.
I Love you guys,
Mitzi
p.s. My stomach is in knots!!!

OptimisticSmile · Sep 6, 2007

wow thats really cool. I have wanted to write a book a desire i had back before i had this struggle. I think the book i want to write(now as a result of the current struggle) is going to be about the truth and lies in the christian comunity about suffering. the day i went and told my pastor about my desire to write a book I had come home from a retreat and had written what may be a chapter and when I shared it with him he was in the process of editing a fellow church members book and both of them encouraged me whears someone had discouraged me and told me "I wouldnt be writing a book at age 21". I have yet to really start but I believe God is giving me the experiences for it. Now im focused on grad school but eventual I will have the credentials to write the book as a "expert" in suffering and its treatment.

all the thoughts you have are the same as ive had. write from your heart .that is what i have done and at the time I had no idea for whom i was writing now I see that the things ive written God is challenging me by so that I can one day share with others.

I have the thought especially since im in training to be a counselor that "what if I go back to my worst again" I guess we have to trust that God will not lead us in that direction. I do believe we will have an ongoing struggle but that does not invalidate us from writing to help others, it actually helps us understand the nature of suffering and illness in a society that seeks an instant cure. I believe God is helping us understand that trials teach patience and endurence and an instant healing of a trial ( as churches and christians seem to expect to happen) would not teach that.

HeatherG · Sep 7, 2007

Mitzi,

I am another one who has contemplated writing a book about all of this, but haven't got as far as you. How similar we all are!

I suppose the key is not what we think, but what God thinks about this. I assume you have been praying about this. When you place this project before the Lord, do you have a sense of peace that this is the way to go, or have you had any Bible verses that made you think He wants you to go ahead? If you know that this is of God, then all the other obstacles are irrelevant, so this would seem to me the most important thing to clarify. If you are still not sure, maybe some questions to ask would be:

Would this glorify God?
Would it help others to know Him?
Would it draw Christians into a closer relationship with Him?

If He is calling you to do something He will equip you, as He has done countless times with ordinary people in the Bible who were called to do difficult tasks.

gracealone said:
1. Who am I to even think that I could or should attempt such a thing? (I often feel silly and ridiculous for even trying.)

I would say you are eminently qualified to write such a book. You actually have first hand experience of this disorder and know the pain of living with OCD. No doctor, pastor or anyone else who hasn't had OCD could be more knowledgeable than that.

2. I'm too undisciplined. I'll think of any excuse to keep me from just getting the job done.

We are all like that, but it's no excuse if God is calling you to do this.

3. If I do this... I might get sick again and how could someone who fails so often and so miserably at overcoming these disorders be of any help or encouragement to others.

We all may or may not get sick again whether we do or don't write a book. I think it is blatantly obvious from this forum that God is using people who have not yet recovered from this disorder to minister to others in the most amazing way, precisely because we understand what it is like to have OCD.

4. I will be attacked for doing it. I already have been publicly mocked for sharing in the past and several well meaning people have pointed out that I only need to have faith... and just give it all to the Lord...it's all just the sin of worry etc. etc. (Which by the way, I'm all too ready to believe, because I have OCD, the doubting disease.) I also avoid confrontation as much a possible - it makes me feel physically ill.

This is precisely why well-meaning Christians need a book like this to teach them the truth about OCD and that it is not just a lack of faith. There must be hundreds of OCD sufferers right now who do not know they have OCD who are being told by their pastors and well-meaning Christian friends to just have more faith. The truth needs to be told!

5. Writing it is hard. It stirs up my OCD to write it, it opens old wounds, it often causes me to cry. I guess what I'm saying is that it isn't a pleasant task.

If God wants you to do this He will give you the supernatural power to overcome all this.

6. How on earth would I go about getting something like this published?? Would anyone even want to read it? Would I just be wasting my time on something pointless?

You can see for yourself what an encouragement you are to people on this forum. I don't think it would be pointless.

I feel so unqualified to attempt such a thing but the urge to just get it down on paper and get it over with never leaves me.

If you have that strong urge, maybe it is of God. I would suggest having a serious dialogue with Him about this, maybe fasting, to know what His will is in this. And if you do go ahead, remember to be in total dependence on Him as you write, so that it is not your words but His flowing through you.

God bless,

Heather

gracechick · Sep 7, 2007

First I want to tell you something the Lord showed me in prayer recently. I have for most of my life questioned why I have spent the better part of 30 years living with differing anxiety & severe panic disorder. Anyway as I was praying the Spirit showed me Jesus in the garden of Gestheme right bfore He was taken prisoner

He was suffering & laying the burdens bfore His Father. The sin & debt that we OWED. Then the Spirit showed me that suffering came to Jesus so He knows what we endure. & if He endured suffering then we will in these earthly bodies.

He also said that we may encounter suffering that seems to have no rhyme of reason to it. Maybe the Spirit will reveal why we are going through such a season & other times we may not be told. It is up to our Heavenly Father how best to guide us & teach us through our trials.

Amazing that so many here want to write books about the experiences & the research we've encountered. I myself would like to at the very least be interviewed in hopes of helping others. So that there are no more suffering people searching for understanding, knowledge & support which is hard to find (sadly) especially in the Christian community.

Rock on brother OptimisticS. My councilor is terrific. He has ADD & is honest about his experiences. He also does deliverance prayers right in our session :clap:

So not only do I get to "unload" I can also work toward healing

Grace if I were you I would...

1. Seek out a pastor or another person in this profession that you can share the load with.

2. Look for sincere prayer partners to do spiritual warfare for you while you follow the Lord's will for your life of speaking & writing. It appears quite obvious that the Lord has gifted you in such ways.

3. Church folk I have learned can be less kind & compassionate then the world :scratch:

Maybe it's because they feel they have all the answers by throwing scriptures at those who are suffering or they themselves can't get free of they're own issues & problems.

Please don't be discouraged by these people. What they say & do is prompted by the devil & the flesh to discourage you from your quest to fulfill what the Lord has placed in your heart. Seek out postive life giving people as best you can to encourage you during these times.

4. Feel free to post polls & other questions for us here to answer. I know you've encourage & informed me often. You have such a kind heart. I would be honored to let others know of what I've been through in hopes they will receive help & encouragment from what I have to tell.

Run your race dear sis. We all here are running along side you :wave:

OptimisticSmile · Sep 7, 2007

what someone told me is to write something and give it to others to read, people who will be upfront and honest, and see if they see any potential in your writing abilities.

its a long process so dont be discouraged. The man at my church just got his pubished after ten years of research and writing it. it takes a team, he acknowledged several people in the book for helping him in varius specific ways. he thanked his sister for praying for him during his organizational and writing struggles.

For my thesis I did a study on social isolation and at the time I did not feel like I had a satisfying social life. I was really enthusiastic about doing it and my proffesor wanted me to present it to various audeinces , school teachers, churches, etc and I told God "I want to ,but there would be no freinds there to support me in presenting it and I feel I have alot to overcome still" eventually my social life thrived and I pretty much lost interest in my thesis though I completed it.

so I see a continuous struggle as a good thing. I have forgotten what it was like to go through high school rarely enjoying freindships and hanging out and getting disconnected from the world while in college. If I do write a book I dont want to suffer but if thats what it takes for me to not forget what ive learned about suffering then I must trust that God will allow some peace and solice in suffering.

you do not have to have it all together before you begin you just have to remeber when things come together what it was like and in doing so you place yourself in the shoes of the reader of what you will be writing. You have said it best, "God is using you not inspite of the OCD , but because of it".

even if you write the book and then stumble again you become an example to everyone that it is truly a life long battle. the goal is not complete removal of the thorn but being able to tolerate it and manage with it .

you just have to trust that if God leads you into this he will protect you and sustain you and even if he leads you back into the struggle "behold the plans I have for you declares the lord, a plan to prosper you and not to harm you, a plan to give you a hope and a future"

ChristsDisciple · Sep 7, 2007

I think you should just go for it...you dont want to be regretting it in years to come, sat wishing you had done it. Im sure it will be great and that many people would be interested in reading it

darkwing70 · Sep 7, 2007

Mitzi,

I'm thinking that God may just be telling you that he wants you to write this book. The urge you have to write it in spite of all your fears and doubts strongly suggests to me that you should go for it.

I have an opinion here that I'm going to share that may not be very well liked, but I'm going to share it anyway. I sometimes feel like Christians spend way too much time and effort worrying about what God wants them to do. It seems to me that some people are afraid to do anything without receiving some kind of sign from God that it's OK to do it. God allows us to make our own choices. Now I absolutely agree that many people are called to do certain things such as pastor or counsel or teach. Most of us are called to do seemingly minor things at various times throughout our lives. I absolutely believe that God will guide and direct us if we seek him and learn to listen to his voice. What I'm saying is that we are free to make our own choices (Christian freedom) provided we keep this in mind: Colossians 3:17 "And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him." Notice it says "whatever you do", not "whatever the Lord tells you to do". God did not create us to be His puppets, He created us to love, worship, and fellowship with Him. Jesus made it a point to call the Apostles his friends and not just his servants. God knows we have desires and dreams and I believe He will help to fulfill those if our motives are pure.

I really do agree that you should pray about this and ask for God's help. If you feel strongly that this would glorify God and benefit even a single person then you have the freedom in Christ to go ahead and write the book. I'm sure God will not only equip you to complete the book, but he will bless you as well.

Please take this for what it is, my opinion. I'm still a "toddler" Christian. I've only been walking with the Lord for about 15 months now. My point is not to diminish the importance of God in our lives, but to point out that maybe sometimes we can talk ourselves out of doing something we feel strongly about by thinking God hasn't told us specifically to do it. God has already told us how to live our lives with his Word. I think that if every Christian waited for an answer from God before doing anything that not much would actually get done. In this case you want to do something that would help others who are suffering and that is what Jesus has already called us to do.

Sorry if I have offended anyone.

stacii · Sep 7, 2007

Mitzi,
For starters, I think we need a book about OCD and the suffering Christian - or anxiety disorders in general. Second, I would be greatly discouraged if I read a book by someone who didn't still struggle. As a sufferer, I would feel like they are lying to me just to get published. The reason you are such an encouragement to me here is because you, like me, get this disorder and get how it affects our lives, but you continue to struggle and admit to it!

It is a painful and scary thing to do though. Who wants to bring up old issues that they've already dealt with? I'll pray for you that God gives you proper guidance and peace with this endeavor.

Liftyourhand7 · Sep 7, 2007

Mitzi,

PLEASE DO IT! The only thing that could come of you doing this book is only good. I well know your fears, there are also times with things that I have written that I have had the very same thoughts as you, God has allowed you this OCD for a reason, Could it be that you would write a book about your experiences and therefore help many others who struggle? Again I say people with OCD would only be helped by such a book, so who cares what other people think. If they were struggling the way we are they would not make such unkind and uneducated remarks, and anyway you are not relying on your own strength to do it, I know you Mitzi you so rely on the Lord, I know this book might cause you some pain but your God will see you through, and if God wants it published He will see to it that it gets published, ( that is no problem for him). You help so many here, God has given you a responsibility ( I know that sounds pretty heavy) but because we are good friends I feel I can say that to you. Go do it sis don't be afraid God is with you and so many will be blessed . Love you Jan

BeccaLynn · Sep 8, 2007

Mitzi,

I know that you have been a real encourager to me. I struggled so long in silence, only crying out to God. If I had read a book or heard someone even mention they personally experienced anything like I was/am going through, I would have felt like it was an answer to prayer. I agree with placing things before God and seeking His will, but Darkwing has a real point. Since OCD focuses so much on things, me, being "right" or not, it's so difficult to tell at times how God is directing me. And then, I can get all consumed with if it's God or not, and wait for "signs" as I read scripture, etc. But these "signs" are very much what have led me to believe that it's not just OCD and that I'm really not a Christian. So, waiting until we FEEL right or led can get frustrating when it comes to OCD. I'm not saying, by any means, to do things just because we want to, without God's approval. But, if it something that would help even a single person find their way with God, then it's a success. I can understand why the fears and doubts would attack you, especially since it would benefit someone, probably many, in their Christian walk. I personally think it would be such a blessing to many.

Love,
Rebecca

marcb · Sep 8, 2007

Hi Mitzi,

gracealone said:
I'm not sure I should even be writing this post, so the title "Should I".. is fitting in more than one way.

What the ,"should I" is about is a question that has been with me for about a year and a half now. Over the past couple years I've had the, very scary, opportunity to share publicly to Christian groups about my experiences of living with anxiety disorders. I have overlapping disorders that include, severe - panic disorder, mild - agoraphobia, (no longer a problem), generalised anxiety disorder and severe OCD of the pure "O" variety. I have had the joy of hearing that my story has encouraged others who suffer in the same way.

Any way well over a year ago I began to write a book about living as a Christian with these disorders. It's been a on and off project that I am never really certain I should even be attempting. Then this last winter when I got really sick again with OCD, I thought that God was punishing me for ever speaking up about the disorder, which in retrospect was just my OCD lying to me again. But I still wrestle tremendously with the question of , should I really do this?
The book would have three different sections. The first would be about my own personal story/testimony of living with the disorder as a Christian. The second part would be about practical coping strategies for overcoming the disorder. The third would be aimed at educating the Christian community about the nature of these disorders. The goal would be to hope that body of Christ could learn to show compassion toward people with these disorders intstead of heaping blame and shame on top of those who are already in so much pain.

Good for you Mitzi! I think it is a great idea to write this book. I have often thought of doing this myself, but never got beyond a few journal entries. You are in good company, John Bunyan wrote Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners as you know. It will be motivating and inspiring to people who struggle in this fashion.

What follows are the hurdles that I have to get over in order to just get on with it and finish the book, which for now lies in a disjointed, and unorganised thick file.

Although I support your idea to publish, even if this work remains disjointed, etc., you have gained therapeutically from putting it all out there. You can revisit it as a reminder of God working with you in the dark times.

1. Who am I to even think that I could or should attempt such a thing? (I often feel silly and ridiculous for even trying.)

You are someone with the first hand experience with this disorder. That makes you more qualified experientially than an expert. It would be great if you could team up with an expert from the field to capture the perspectives of both clinician and client.

2. I'm too undisciplined. I'll think of any excuse to keep me from just getting the job done.

I hear ya there. I'm festidious, yet terribly unorganized. I am also a classic procrastinator.

3. If I do this... I might get sick again and how could someone who fails so often and so miserably at overcoming these disorders be of any help or encouragement to others.

How could someone who failed so miserably at honoring God by persecuting the early church later become the most important apostle of Christ? The point is not failure; growth, learning, and sharing your story is what you are pursuing. As far as getting sick again, this might be a tough experience, but God willing, you might come away from this more whole and also with the opportunity to help others.

4. I will be attacked for doing it. I already have been publicly mocked for sharing in the past and several well meaning people have pointed out that I only need to have faith... and just give it all to the Lord...it's all just the sin of worry etc. etc. (Which by the way, I'm all too ready to believe, because I have OCD, the doubting disease.) I also avoid confrontation as much a possible - it makes me feel physically ill.

Again you are sharing elite company as far as those who have been publicly mocked...

Ah, advice instead of prayer and empathy. Just have more faith? Did we not learn that faith is a gift of God, not something we conjure up? I kinda like confrontation. Bring it on! I'll be your agent!

5. Writing it is hard. It stirs up my OCD to write it, it opens old wounds, it often causes me to cry. I guess what I'm saying is that it isn't a pleasant task.

Right. But I think you have the courage to deal with this. That is the courage I lack at this time. I am more afraid of my thoughts than just about anything.

6. How on earth would I go about getting something like this published?? Would anyone even want to read it? Would I just be wasting my time on something pointless?

If you are interested in collaborating with a psychologist, maybe you can track one down from a university (like Biola, Fuller, or Wheaton). Find someone who publishes on the topic and see if they want to work with you. If you are not interested in pairing up with them, maybe they could advise you in your efforts.

So.. what do you guys think, should I??

Yes!

I have to tell you that I'm extremely embarrassed to even ask this of all of you... I feel so unqualified to attempt such a thing but the urge to just get it down on paper and get it over with never leaves me.

Stop being embarassed - Gosh if you just had more faith, Mitzi, maybe you wouldn't be so embarassed! (Kidding)

Please be honest with me? I won't be offended.

That's my honest opinion. I think it takes a leap of faith to go where you are going. Marc

I Love you guys,
Mitzi
p.s. My stomach is in knots!!!

gracealone · Sep 9, 2007

WOW!
I never expected that all of you would take the time to give such well thought out and heartfelt responses. I just can't get over how much great wisdom and advice was given from each and every one of you. Thank you soooo much!! I am going to save each of your responses in order to encourage my heart and my will to just get this job done.
I know now that it doesn't matter what the outcome may be or how difficult the task what matters for now is just moving ahead and doing it and leaving it up to the Lord to use it if He sees fit.
I owe you all a debt of gratitude. I have been blessed with some truely awesome friends!!
Again.. I love all of you.
Mitzi

OptimisticSmile · Sep 9, 2007

writing this book may be a chance for you to see God working in your life in ways that you know its not your own strength and im sure that will be therapuetic. writing is one thing that helps me and I know it does for you as well.

gracealone · Sep 10, 2007

Thanks OP!! Yes.. Mega ditto's to your comments.. it seems you know me all too well.
Mitzi

OptimisticSmile · Sep 10, 2007

I will be happy to read anything you have thus far and im sure others would too. i can be self contious about my writing sometimes so I know how it is to write something and to give it to others to see if they see potential in it and to be embarressed by the thought that its not good. from what others have said here it seems like you understand well and as one person put it in another post "you should become a counselor". You may not be called to be a counselor but you definently seem to have counselor qualities. This could be your strength and we should all focus on our strengths instead of our weaknesses.

gracechick · Sep 10, 2007

Yes I do hope Grace & anyone else feels free to post what they've written. I think we are a pretty awesome bunch & will be as encouraging & helpful as possible

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