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Volitional Faith & The OCD Christian

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gracealone

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I need to apologize in advance for the length of this post... if you have the patience to read it I want to say thank you and I would appreciate any comments or input on this subject:

THE VOLITIONAL FAITH OF THE OCD CHRISTIAN

I want to share something that has been of encouragement to me in my own battle against the bully of OCD. I'm not sharing from a position of one who has total victory over the beast but rather as a fellow sufferer who very often falls off the wagon and ends up treading the miserable path of intrusive thoughts, obsession and consequential anxiety.
I want to start by sharing Psalm 13 (A Psalm of David)
How long, Oh Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I keep asking myself what to do, with sorrow in my heart every day? How long must my enemy,(OCD) dominate me? - Look, and answer me, Lord my God! Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep the sleep of death. Then my enemy would say, "I was able to dominate him/her," and my adversaries would rejoice at my downfall."

Pause

"But I trust in your grace; my heart rejoices as you bring me to safety. I will sing to the Lord, because He gives me even more than I need."

When I read this Psalm I feel a deep connection to the psalmist. I cry out from the pain of OCD to the Lord but it seems as if He doesn't hear. I can't feel my faith in Him. I can't sense His presence. Instead I'm overwhelmed by feelings of hopelessness. Desperation envelopes me as the accusing and condemning voice of my OCD spikes are all that I can hear. My own questioning cries ehco back to me unanswered. I can only focus on MY fear, MY emotional pain and anguish. I feel shame at my lack of faith. I feel conquered and emptied of my inner strength and resources.
At this point I just want to give up because no matter how long or how loudly I cry to God nothing seems to change.
But as I consider this Psalm I see a complete shift in focus in the last paragraph. Suddenly the Psalmist begins to affirm his faith in His Lord, He rejoices in what God has done for him and He chooses to sing praises to Him. The focus has turned from himself with all his inadequacies to His God. He has exercised his will to move ahead in a determined way to make the choice to trust in God. There is nothing between the first and last paragraph to indicate that anything changed other than the attitude of the psalmist. Not knowing how things will play out in the end the pslamist exercises volitional faith.
His faith is not bolstered or motivated by his feelings, emotions or circumstances it is motivated by his free will to choose to serve his God with praise and loyal obedience. As I contemplated this psalm I was reminded of Job as he endured his intensely painful and confounding trial. I remember how he cried out over and over to God for deliverance or at least for some answer some explanation for the reason that he was in the trial. He had nothing tangible by which he could say...."this is why I know that God loves me". He did have his own accusers. Although they came from without instead of within like the voice of OCD they said the very same things. Things that accused and condemned and tortured him. Then at the very peak of his suffering when the closest and last member of his earthly family turns to him and says in effect..."I don't know why you don't just curse God and die?" Job exercises his free will and says... "Even if He slays me, yet will I trust Him."
Fast forward centuries later and we see our Lord in the depth of emotional and physical suffering as he cries out from the cross. "My God, My God WHY have you forsaken me?" But prior to that we read that even knowing that the cross lay before him, "he set his face like a flint" to go to Jerusalem, the very place where he knew all this horror would come to pass. He didn't get to escape the emotional and physical suffering of the cross. He endured it. Far more amazing than that He actually chose it. He demonstrated the most perfect faith in this way. He did have the choice to avoid His suffering, he could have avoided those hours where He hung there feeling so abandoned by His Father. Feeling abandoned but never, never, turning from His choice to die on our behalf.
There have been days when the haunting emptiness - the hollow abandoned feelings that this disorder creates have been so intense that I cannot find even the smallest trace of emotional reassurance to bolster my faith in God. It is then that I too must choose to believe in and follow Him any way. It is then that I will chime in with the Psalmist in proclaming that, "I will bless the Lord at all times, His praise shall continually be in my mouth." On those days when my intrusive obsessions and anxiety are so intense that I greatly fear I could be lost to hell...my will is still in tact and I choose to affirm that... "even in hell I would still praise the name of Christ."
I am certain that a faith that does not rest upon the foundation of emotional validation, physical healing, or material blessing but rather on the Holy and perfect Character of God is the more praiseworthy choice. This is volitional faith, faith that is chosen. It is the type of faith that every individual has the ability to walk in because every person has been granted a free will. This is the kind of faith that OCD will cause many of us to walk in . We can be so thankful for God's gift to us of a free will. Because of this we can look right into the faces of our OCD accusers and say... "So what!!.. no matter what you throw at me today... "Yet will I trust Him."
This is the kind of faith that I've been reading about on all these heartfelt posts. This faith has been demonstrated so eloquently over and over by so many of you as you share of your heart's deepest desires to believe in and follow your Savior to the very best of your abilities. This forum has been such a great source of encouragement to me as I read these great affirmations of volitional faith.
Thanks - to all of you for opening up, for showing such heartfelt compassion and for always lifting up the name of Christ.
God Bless,
Mitzi
 
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junezephyr

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Mitzi, that is beautiful! I thanked God for your post. You put into words so well the type of faith that has been one of the only things to keep me going during recent times. Thank you for that.

"Faith that is chosen" - there's always a sense of victory I get when I finally defeat a dark mood by choosing to have faith despite my obsessions. You've reminded me how relieving that is- to know that this faith will carry me higher than my wavering feelings.

:hug:
 
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BeccaLynn

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Mtzi,

I feel I must reply. This is a post I will look back on many times, I'm sure, to let me know that I really can CHOOSE God, no matter how I feel. Something that I wrote down at one point during my prayer time was a realization that came to me about Jesus. I looked upon this that I had written down in a somewhat inconsistent journal that I kept. I think that God helped me to realize that many could look at Jesus on the cross and think, "Surely, this is not God's will for Christ". God wouldn't allow this." The disciples were disheartened because, even though He told them, this wasn't how they pictured their Redeemer who was coming to rescue them. It would be so easy to think that this was not God's will, not realizing at the time that it was for us that He must and chose to do this. It can be also be so easy to think this OCD stuff is not God's will as well, not realizing that through it a greater good may be accomplished somehow. Thank you Mitzi for always, always encouraging others. God has given you much wisdom, and you have shared with and ministered So much to So many who have felt very alone and discouraged in this. Thank you for being so open and honest, and for being an example of how we should go on with God, whether things ever change or not.

Love,
Rebecca
 
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ObsessedButBlessed

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Mitzi...

For months now I have prayed that God would send someone to help me through this season of my OCD. For two years I had other obsessions and suddenly it attacked my faith, the last leg I had to stand on. Finally I stopped praying that God would heal me, but send people who have struggled with the exact same thing and help me through it. It is SO obvious to me that He has sent you and others on this site, and I praise God for his faithfulness to all of us. He hears our hurts, and our pain moves our Father to act in goodness and mercy.

Thank you SO much for this post! I have bookmarked it and will refer to it constantly when I am in the valley.
 
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HeatherG

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Thanks, Mitzi. That was indeed precious. Thanks be to God for our free will that the enemy cannot take away. This volitional faith is something we can all have. Praise God! In the Psalm that you quoted I also love the way he rejoices in advance for the way God is going to deliver him. Yes, let's keep praising God and lifting up our hearts to Him even in the midst of our struggles, even when our minds are telling us that we've overstepped the boundaries of His grace. Let's remember all that He has done for us, and all that He is going to do, His unchanging character, His faithfulness and His love.

"I will sing of your strength, in the morning I will sing of your love; for you are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble." Psalm 59:16

Amen.

Heather
 
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stacii

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Mitzi,
Your post made me cry, and for the first time in what seems like forever, it was not a cry of anguish, but a cry of happiness and relief. This is what true faith is everybody. I see it in so many people here too. People who I believe truly cannot feel God's presence all the time, and who tremble from the fear and torment of being separated from God. Yet, they still pray to Him, still praise Him and still obey Him. Faith isn't always an emotion or a feeling. Faith is also commitment and perseverance and trust.
 
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OptimisticSmile

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well put. during the time I first came here I put down the bible and thought "what if I just read the bible for the last time and prayed my last prayer" I did not want to embrace that idea but i felt so awful that I thought there would be nothing else to do. I can say now months later that im here leading a bible study with a freind and praying. although its a daily struggle I am starting to believe that there is a hope and that God is in control. To Trust in him means to trust when he leads us into the dark and the valleys.

so many of us feel so awful about our walk yet we continue to walk in Christ and i believe it is beacuse he is an inseperable part of us.

think of when some of Jesus disciples were leaving him and he asked the twelve something to the effect of "are you going to leave also" and one of them said something like "No Father, where else could we go"
 
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gracechick

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Excellent post. I hope you publish your writings if you havn't yet. Many could benefit.

I remember the first time I heard of Mother Theresa's writings about doubting God & her faith. That struck such a chord in me, bcause here is this fabulous woman of God who displays such mercy & love struggling as I do at times.
I have Panic Attacks with a mixture of anxiety symptoms. It's fairly crippling at this point in my life. & like many here I've had circumstances foisted upon me that I could never have anticipated. & I wonder where is the healing from this thorn? Where is the Blood & the Power of the Cross in my life...Lord, what am I doing wrong?

Suddenly the thought occured to me...I should be asking What am I doing right? An enemy only becomes such & attacks with severity when threatened. Perhaps many of us here are still more of a threat to satan then we comprehend?

Sorry I'm rambling on your thread sis:hug: :pink:
 
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OptimisticSmile

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I beleive that God intends to use us all and so there are spiritual forces working against that. They are cunning , they know the word of God better than we do, they have watched humans live since the beginning.

at the same time they cannot do anything unless God allows it. while we may be under attack, what is meant for evil God turns into something good. we have the promise of Romans 8:28.

we are a living example of 2 corinthians 12:9.

do you guys think Paul (especially since he was so used) had the same sort of struggles.

his thorn was in place to keep him humble. Ive heard some say they believed his thorn was severe headaches and such. keep in mind though that it could have been something spiritual or psychological as well. whatever it was we can learn from it.
 
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gracealone

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do you guys think Paul (especially since he was so used) had the same sort of struggles.

his thorn was in place to keep him humble. Ive heard some say they believed his thorn was severe headaches and such. keep in mind though that it could have been something spiritual or psychological as well. whatever it was we can learn from it.[/quote]

HI OP,
I've often wondered about this myself. I know that Paul wasn't the sort of person that people expected he would be based upon on his letters. I think they thought he would have this amazing presense that just exuded confidence. But when I read 1 Cor. 2:3, I get the idea that it was never easy for Paul to speak publicly and that God didn't remove his anxiousness about it but let it be there in order that Paul would continue to know that it was God at work and not himself.
It says.. "I'm here among you as somebody weak and shaking all over with fear. And the delivery and the content of my message isn't dependant on compelling words of wisdom but instead is dependant on the power of Christ's spirit, so that if you trust it won't be because of me or my wisdom but only because of God's power."
(Complete Jewish Bible)

Anyway... good observation OP. Pauls affliction was definitely purposeful.
Mitzi
 
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gracealone

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Excellent post. I hope you publish your writings if you havn't yet. Many could benefit.

I remember the first time I heard of Mother Theresa's writings about doubting God & her faith. That struck such a chord in me, bcause here is this fabulous woman of God who displays such mercy & love struggling as I do at times.
I have Panic Attacks with a mixture of anxiety symptoms. It's fairly crippling at this point in my life. & like many here I've had circumstances foisted upon me that I could never have anticipated. & I wonder where is the healing from this thorn? Where is the Blood & the Power of the Cross in my life...Lord, what am I doing wrong?

Suddenly the thought occured to me...I should be asking What am I doing right? An enemy only becomes such & attacks with severity when threatened. Perhaps many of us here are still more of a threat to satan then we comprehend?

Sorry I'm rambling on your thread sis:hug: :pink:
Gracechik,
I didn't see it as rambling... I loved reading what you had to say. I agree that Satan steps up his attacks when we are threating his work.
Ramble all you want... Thanks for your encouraging words.
Mitzi
 
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darkwing70

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Thank you Mitzi, what an incredible post to share with everyone. I know that in my case there are times when things get so dark or so empty that I find myself looking for something within me to prove to myself that I am a Christian. I suppose I think that there must be some "Holy" feeling that we must have if we truly love Jesus. It is usually during these times that I'll just praise Him and thank Him just for being Him. Many times I don't "feel" like doing this, but I'm determined not to be defeated. One thing I've noticed in my walk is that if I don't feel like praying I'll just start by praising God and thanking him for everything I can think of and then all of a sudden I'll start praying about all kinds of things that weren't even on my mind and before I know it a half hour or an hour has gone by.

Hope I haven't sidetracked this thread. Thank you again for inspiring us.

Don
 
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