Hi... I have been searching for the right forum or chatroom for over an hour and none work for me.. I'm trying this one and then giving up.
I'm 22. I'm an American and living with my Dutch husband in the Netherlands. in November we lost our first baby due to miscarriage and finally we were blessed with another child. I'm due May 1st 2003.
So that is my background I guess.
I have been in and out of my church at home since I was 3 or 4 yrs old. My entire side of my dad's family is very very religious and practically live at the church and when they aren't there they act like they are. It made me rebell once I was in Jr high and same for high school. I always loved being at church and the life that is lived when devoting your life entirely to God. I just felt pressured and that it possibly was never my own decision and so I pushed myself out.
My brother used to be the same as me.. but once he rebelled.. he never went back.. he had a ton of Christian music and he was going to throw it away and I begged him to let me keep it since music is my life. No matter how my dad is going, music can make it all better again. I've loved Michael W. Smith since that first day I heard him back when I was about 7 or 8 yrs old.
So I finally had a reason to get back into my church life. My husband had proposed to me and we really wanted a nice wedding and for my dad's family to help financially. They made one condition... that the pastor from their church had to do the ceremony. No big deal right? Well in order for that to happen you have to be a member of the church for a steady 3+ months. So I had to go again.. and to sunday school. I actually very much enjoyed being back.
My brother has 4 kids and 1 being born next week. He's only 25. I've been helping him raise those kids since day one of Jan 16 1995 when the best thing in my life was born. Brittney. She's 7 now and my best friend. Sadly living so far away, I don't see any of my family much. We are moving back to the USA this summer though. So I'd always make sure I brought 1 or more of the kids to church with me and they loved every second of it too. It enabled me to get closer to my family again.
So October 6, 2001 I was married to the love of my life, Peter. He was raised Catholic and like me, rebelled against that life. He has never had second thoughts. He respects my wishes to be involved in church which is nice. He also agreed that if I want my kids to be raised in church, that is fine as well.. the hitch is that he gets to tell them why he thinks everything is false in order to give them both points of view.. I guess I'm ok with that. I know Christians are always challenged in that way...
So my big problem here.. I really haven't thought much about church till the last few days. I keep missing that life that I had before... the love I felt. I have doubted the Bible just as much as the next guy has but I know deep down that it's true and the right way to life. I really do want to follow it. I feel so guilty all of the time for pushing it away!
So I still love my Michael W Smith and Amy Grant and just now.. my winamp which is on random played "I will be here for you" and I just got chills. I get these feelings when I hear a song like that or when someone says something about God and I'm agreeing that it's all a big load of bull on the outside.. but on the inside I am saying to myself.. this isn't right.. I'm lying.. God IS the way...I know what is true yet I push it away.
I have these moments where I feel God in the room with me. Some people would just laugh about this but I really do.. and it's mostly when I'm thinking about how wrong I am being.. and I know that He is just THERE for me.. listening and reminding me that I know the truth... I just want to embrace that so much.. and I can't.
I thought of talking to my family about it but for me to sort this out, I need to talk to people who are unbiased about me. It's all rather embarrassing for me as well to have to run back to them crying about how they were right and I was wrong. My grandparents would probably say something to push me back out the door again.. same with my dad. My step mom is the only one I think who would just hold me and say she understands. Any friend of mine would just laugh.
I don't know HOW I know what is the truth and what isn't. I don't have an evidence to back anything I've known up.. but I just know. Is that how it is for you all as well?
My biggest regret was leaving my bible at home when I moved..
So I don't know if you all think I'm nuts or whatnot.. I just really need some answers and reassurrance...
Please reply here or email me?
Laura
I'm 22. I'm an American and living with my Dutch husband in the Netherlands. in November we lost our first baby due to miscarriage and finally we were blessed with another child. I'm due May 1st 2003.
So that is my background I guess.
I have been in and out of my church at home since I was 3 or 4 yrs old. My entire side of my dad's family is very very religious and practically live at the church and when they aren't there they act like they are. It made me rebell once I was in Jr high and same for high school. I always loved being at church and the life that is lived when devoting your life entirely to God. I just felt pressured and that it possibly was never my own decision and so I pushed myself out.
My brother used to be the same as me.. but once he rebelled.. he never went back.. he had a ton of Christian music and he was going to throw it away and I begged him to let me keep it since music is my life. No matter how my dad is going, music can make it all better again. I've loved Michael W. Smith since that first day I heard him back when I was about 7 or 8 yrs old.
So I finally had a reason to get back into my church life. My husband had proposed to me and we really wanted a nice wedding and for my dad's family to help financially. They made one condition... that the pastor from their church had to do the ceremony. No big deal right? Well in order for that to happen you have to be a member of the church for a steady 3+ months. So I had to go again.. and to sunday school. I actually very much enjoyed being back.
My brother has 4 kids and 1 being born next week. He's only 25. I've been helping him raise those kids since day one of Jan 16 1995 when the best thing in my life was born. Brittney. She's 7 now and my best friend. Sadly living so far away, I don't see any of my family much. We are moving back to the USA this summer though. So I'd always make sure I brought 1 or more of the kids to church with me and they loved every second of it too. It enabled me to get closer to my family again.
So October 6, 2001 I was married to the love of my life, Peter. He was raised Catholic and like me, rebelled against that life. He has never had second thoughts. He respects my wishes to be involved in church which is nice. He also agreed that if I want my kids to be raised in church, that is fine as well.. the hitch is that he gets to tell them why he thinks everything is false in order to give them both points of view.. I guess I'm ok with that. I know Christians are always challenged in that way...
So my big problem here.. I really haven't thought much about church till the last few days. I keep missing that life that I had before... the love I felt. I have doubted the Bible just as much as the next guy has but I know deep down that it's true and the right way to life. I really do want to follow it. I feel so guilty all of the time for pushing it away!
So I still love my Michael W Smith and Amy Grant and just now.. my winamp which is on random played "I will be here for you" and I just got chills. I get these feelings when I hear a song like that or when someone says something about God and I'm agreeing that it's all a big load of bull on the outside.. but on the inside I am saying to myself.. this isn't right.. I'm lying.. God IS the way...I know what is true yet I push it away.
I have these moments where I feel God in the room with me. Some people would just laugh about this but I really do.. and it's mostly when I'm thinking about how wrong I am being.. and I know that He is just THERE for me.. listening and reminding me that I know the truth... I just want to embrace that so much.. and I can't.
I thought of talking to my family about it but for me to sort this out, I need to talk to people who are unbiased about me. It's all rather embarrassing for me as well to have to run back to them crying about how they were right and I was wrong. My grandparents would probably say something to push me back out the door again.. same with my dad. My step mom is the only one I think who would just hold me and say she understands. Any friend of mine would just laugh.
I don't know HOW I know what is the truth and what isn't. I don't have an evidence to back anything I've known up.. but I just know. Is that how it is for you all as well?
My biggest regret was leaving my bible at home when I moved..
So I don't know if you all think I'm nuts or whatnot.. I just really need some answers and reassurrance...
Please reply here or email me?
Laura
