A joke or two....

Martin

Senior Veteran
Jan 13, 2002
1,796
13
75
Rochdale
Visit site
✟11,112.00
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Married
One day God calls down to Noah and says "Noah, I want you make me a new Ark".

Noah replies, "No problem God, anything you want after all you're the boss".

But God interrupts, "Ah but there's a catch this time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, ..... I want 20 decks one on top of the other".

"20 DECKS!", screams Noah, "Well, OK, whatever you say, should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"
"No, Noah..... this time I want you to fill it up with fish" God Answers

"Fish?" Queries Noah.

"Yes, fish ... well, to make it more specific Noah, I want Carp, wall to wall, floor to ceiling - Carp!"

Noah looks to the skies, "OK Lord, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?"

"Check".

"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?".

"Check".

"And you want it full of Carp?".

"Check"

"Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether.

"Dunno" says God. "I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark"


(groan)
Now it's your turn.....
 
That was good! I only groaned a little.

Here's another joke.

I hope it doesn't offend anyone. If you're senstive, I suggest you don't read it.

St. Peter has a day off and Jesus is standing in for him. Whilst booking in the new arrivals, Jesus notices an old man in the queue who seems familiar. When he gets to the front of the line, Jesus asks him his name.
"Joseph".
Jesus is now more inquisitive. "Your occupation?"
"Carpenter."
By now Jesus is getting quite excited. "Did you have a little boy?"
"Yes"
Jesus looks at the old man and with a tear in his eye shouts, "Father! Father!"
The old man looks puzzled and, after a moment, replies,
"Pinocchio?"
 
Upvote 0

ZiSunka

It means 'yellow dog'
Jan 16, 2002
17,005
284
✟38,767.00
Faith
Christian
This one is not theologically correct, but it's funny anyway, so here goes:

A man died and went to the pearly gates where he met with St. Peter. Saint Peter says, "I don't know where to send you since you claimed to be a Christian, but didn't live like one. I'll tell you what, I'll let you sample heaven and hell and you can decide for yourself where you want to spend eternity." So he points to an elevator and says, "Get on that elevator and it'll take you to heaven for a few minutes and to hell for a few minutes, then you come back and tell me what you decide."

The man gets on the elevator and presses the "down" button, figuring that he'll see hell first and get it out of the way. When the doors open, he sees this great party going on, dancing, gambling, sin of all sorts and all of it fun. The man really loves what's going on and says, "This is what I dreamed of my whole life. I want to stay here in hell!"

So he gets on the elevator again and presses the up button and it stops again at the pearly gates. The man runs out to St Peter and says, "I want to go to hell! I want to go to hell!"

St Peter says, "Are you sure?!? Did you like it better than heaven?!" The man says, "I didn't even go to heaven, I loved hell so much!" So St Peter writes in his book and says, "Okay, off to hell you go, but remember, once you get in that elevator this time, there's no going back. You have to go to hell and stay there." The man says, "That's what I want; to stay there forever!"

So he gets on the elevator and this time, there is no "up" button, and the car descends into hell. When the doors open, hell is completely pitch black and cold as, well, hell. He peers out the door and says, "I don't know where I am. This can't be hell, it's so different than last time."

Satan steps out of the shadows and with a great, evil laugh says, "That was sales. This is customer service."
 
Upvote 0

lucypevensie

Not drinking the kool-aid
Supporter
Feb 4, 2002
34,237
26,769
WI
✟1,769,441.00
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Married
K, here are some silly ones:

Q: What do you call a fly with no wings?
A: A walk

Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: No eye deer

Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
A: Still no eye deer

Q: Why are there so many Smiths in the telephone book?
A: Because so many Smiths out there own phones
 
Upvote 0

TheBear

NON-WOKED
Jan 2, 2002
20,646
1,811
✟296,671.00
Country
United States
Faith
Atheist
Marital Status
Private
CHECKING IN

A minister passing through his church
in the middle of the day,
Decided to pause by the altar
and see who had come to pray.

Just then the back door opened,
a man came down the aisle,
The minister frowned as he saw
the man hadn't shaved in a while.

His shirt was kinda shabby
and his coat was worn and frayed,
The man knelt, he bowed his head,
then rose and walked away.

In the days that followed,
each noon time came this chap,
Each time he knelt just for a moment,
a lunch pail in his lap.

Well, the minister's suspicions grew,
with robbery a main fear,
He decided to stop the man and ask him,
"What are you doing here?"

The old man said, he worked down the road.
Lunch was half an hour.
Lunchtime was his prayer time,
for finding strength and power.

"I stay only moments, see,
because the factory is so far away;
As I kneel here talking to the Lord,
this is kinda what I say:

"I JUST CAME AGAIN TO TELL YOU, LORD,
HOW HAPPY I'VE BEEN,
SINCE WE FOUND EACH OTHER'S FRIENDSHIP
AND YOU TOOK AWAY MY SIN.

DON'T KNOW MUCH OF HOW TO PRAY, BUT I
THINK ABOUT YOU EVERYDAY.
SO, JESUS, THIS IS JIM CHECKING IN TODAY."

The minister feeling foolish,
told Jim, that was fine.
He told the man he was welcome
to come and pray just anytime.

Time to go, Jim smiled, said
"Thanks." He hurried to the door.
The minister knelt at the altar,
he'd never done it before.

His cold heart melted, warmed with love,
and met with Jesus there.
As the tears flowed, in his heart,
he repeated old Jim's prayer:

"I JUST CAME AGAIN TO TELL YOU, LORD,
HOW HAPPY I'VE BEEN,
SINCE WE FOUND EACH OTHER'S FRIENDSHIP
AND YOU TOOK AWAY MY SIN.

I DON'T KNOW MUCH OF HOW TO PRAY, BUT I
THINK ABOUT YOU EVERYDAY.
SO, JESUS, THIS IS ME CHECKING IN TODAY."

Past noon one day, the minister noticed
that old Jim hadn't come.
As more days passed without Jim,
he began to worry some.

At the factory, he asked about him,
learning he was ill.
The hospital staff was worried,
but he'd given them a thrill.

The week that Jim was with them,
brought changes in the ward.
His smiles, a joy contagious.
Changed people, were his reward.

The head nurse couldn't understand
why Jim was so glad,
when no flowers, calls or cards came,
not a visitor he had.

The minister stayed by his bed,
he voiced the nurse's concern:
No friends came to show they cared.
He had nowhere to turn.

Looking surprised, old Jim spoke up
and with a winsome smile;
"the nurse is wrong, she couldn't know,
that in here all the while...

everyday at noon He's here,
a dear friend of mine, you see,
He sits right down, takes my hand,
leans over and says to me":

"I JUST CAME AGAIN TO TELL YOU, JIM,
HOW HAPPY I HAVE BEEN,
SINCE WE FOUND THIS FRIENDSHIP,
AND I TOOK AWAY YOUR SIN.
ALWAYS LOVE TO HEAR YOU PRAY,
I THINK ABOUT YOU EACH DAY,
AND SO JIM, THIS IS JESUS
CHECKING IN TODAY."

May God hold you in the palm of His hand
and Angels watch over you.
~Author Unknown~

(OK, so it wasn't really a joke. I thought it was kind of a nice break from serious debate. ;) )

John
 
Upvote 0

Martin

Senior Veteran
Jan 13, 2002
1,796
13
75
Rochdale
Visit site
✟11,112.00
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Married
Try this one....

God's Voice Mail

Most of us have now learned to live with "voice mail" as a necessary as part of our daily lives. But have you ever wondered what it would be like if God decided to install voice mail?

Imagine praying and hearing the following:

Thank you for calling Heaven.
For English, press 1.
For Spanish, press 2.
For all other languages, press 0.

Please select one of the following options:

Press 1 for Requests.
Press 2 for Thanksgiving.
Press 3 for Complaints.
Press 4 for all other inquiries.


I am sorry; all of our angels are busy helping sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us, and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.

If you would like to speak to:

God, press 1.
Jesus, press 2.
Holy Spirit, press 3.


If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you are holding,

press 4.

To find a loved one that has been assigned to Heaven, press 5, then enter his or her social security number, followed by the "hash" sign. (If you receive a negative response, please hang up and try area code 666).

For reservations at Heaven, please enter J-O-H-N, followed by the numbers 3-1-6.

For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, life on other planets, and where Noah's Ark is, please wait until you arrive.

Our computers show that you have already prayed today. Please hang up and try again tomorrow.

The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday.

Please pray again on Monday after 9:30 am. If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor.

Thank you, and have a heavenly day .
 
Upvote 0
This site stays free and accessible to all because of donations from people like you.
Consider making a one-time or monthly donation. We appreciate your support!
- Dan Doughty and Team Christian Forums
Geo.Bush while taking his morning constetution noticed (Moses )ahead of him. Bush called out to Moses to hold up as he wanted to talk with him.

Moses ignored Bush and kept on going.

Bush after a while cought up to Moses and asked him why he would not stop and chat with him, Moses replied that the last time he talked to a Bush he had to spend forty years in the desert alone.
 
Upvote 0
This site stays free and accessible to all because of donations from people like you.
Consider making a one-time or monthly donation. We appreciate your support!
- Dan Doughty and Team Christian Forums

Martin

Senior Veteran
Jan 13, 2002
1,796
13
75
Rochdale
Visit site
✟11,112.00
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Married
In the UK, young people take an examination called the GCSE at the age 16, which is one of the main qualifications they receive before leaving school or progressing onward to higher level education. I'll post a few of the actual questions set and some of the actual answers giveb by students.

Here's the first:

Religious Education:
Q: What's a Hindu?

A: Lays eggs
 
Upvote 0

Rob

Regular Member
Feb 25, 2002
112
1
66
Visit site
✟320.00
Is Hell Exothermic or Endothermic?

This is forwarded from a UO graduate, citing one of Dr.

Schlambaugh's final test questions for his final exam of 1997. Dr.

Schlambaugh of the U. of Oklahoma Chemical Engineering Dept. is

known for asking questions on his finals like: "Why do airplanes

fly?" In May 1997, the "Momentum, Heat, and Mass Transfer II" final

exam question was: "Is Hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your

answer with proof." Most of the students wrote proofs of their

beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however,

wrote the following:


First, we postulate that if souls exist, they must have some mass.

If they do, then a mole of souls also must have a mass. So, at what

rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving?

I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it does

not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering

Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world

today. Some religions say that if you are not a member of their

religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of

these religions, and people do not belong to more than one religion,

we can project that some people and some souls go to Hell. With the

birth and death rates what they are, we can expect the number of

souls in hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of

change in the volume of Hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for

the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of

the mass of the souls and volume needs to stay constant.


So, if Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at

which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell

will increase until all Hell breaks loose.


Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the

increase

in souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until

Hell freezes over.


So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Theresa

Banyan during freshman year, that, "It'll be a cold day in Hell

before I sleep with you," and taking into account that I still have

not succeeded in sleeping with her, then cannot

be true.....thus, Hell is exothermic.


The student, Tim Graham, got the only A.
 
Upvote 0
This site stays free and accessible to all because of donations from people like you.
Consider making a one-time or monthly donation. We appreciate your support!
- Dan Doughty and Team Christian Forums