Just fade.

bumblebee62331 · May 20, 2007

That's how I am feeling lately.
Anyone feel like they just want to curl up in bed and sleep for five days? I don't want to see my friends, I don't want to go into uni, I don't want to go into public. I feel like I am fat and ugly. Today at least I made the effort to brush my hair and put nice clothes on and put make-up on and I felt a little better. Still feel fat though. I am walking to the train station and work this week (just over a half hour walk one-way) so that will hopefully help me lose a little bit of weight (and yes, it's healthy, not unhealthy - I do need to lose some weight).

I was just wondering if it sounds like depression with the whole "not wanting to see anyone, just want to curl up and hide from the world" thing. Anyone else feel that way too? This is probably better off in the depression forum, but I don't want to put it there because I'm not "depressed", I think this stems from my ED and feeling fat and ugly and embarrassed to be seen.

At least there is a friend I see a lot who constantly reminds me that I am fat and will continue to put on weight if I eat.

Anyway I have to go now. I am going to the counsellor again today. Not talking about my ED though - she has no idea about those. She wouldn't know where to start. :doh:

Nobility · May 20, 2007

Sweetheart... Please please let your counsellor know about how you are feeling with the depressed feelings and it'd be so so good if you could tell her about the ED too... I guess you already know, but one of the best ways to start recovering from an ED is to let someone who is trustworthy and helpful know...

bumblebee62331 · May 20, 2007

Hi Nobility. :wave:

I did tell her briefly at my last session (about a month ago) and her reaction was "But you don't look fat" and I immediately knew she wouldn't be able to help me at all. She was as clueless as most people when it comes to dealing with someone with an ED.

I will tell her about some things but not others.
And I forgot my wallet so I had to buy a ticket that requires me to catch the half three train home, so I'll only be there for about twenty minutes. I swear it was an accident...

bumblebee62331 · May 21, 2007

So my counsellor didn't even turn up.
Great.
Wonderful.
Fills me full of confidence.

blessedmomof5 · May 21, 2007

Hugs

, know the feelings all to well, even the ones with the counseller not showing up,
can you find yourself an ED therapist? maybe that would do you better? sorry you are going through this right now if you ever need to talk i am here. i know i don't post much, figure who am i to talk...... but i am here for you if you need. :hug:

Soulwings · May 21, 2007

Um... your counselor didn't even show up??

And she doesn't have a clue how to deal with EDs? Kate, I think you should find another counselor, honestly. But... I have to say that I am proud of you for going to one in the first place! :hug:

I bet that took a lot of gumption to finally get up and do it. So kudos to you for being brave.

And yes, I have felt like curling up in bed and never coming out again. It's safer there. I don't know, I've been diagnosed bipolar and I'm usually stuck in a depressive episode, so it's depression for me... but how do you know that you aren't depressed? :scratch:

And... that sounds like a "friend" not a true friend. Why does s/he keep telling you that you'll gain weight if you eat and that you're fat? It sounds more like s/he is insecure with his/her own looks, and does the whole projection thing. Don't listen to whatever that "friend" tells you.... because it's not true, you won't get fat if you eat, in fact the other way 'round. If you eat the proper stuff you'll get your basal metabolic rate up and that will, in turn, cause you to healthily lose weight. But I'm sure that you knew all that anyway. It's one thing to know it and another to believe it. But I've seen it in action with me, so I'm getting to trust my nutritionist. Sort of. Haha.

Anyway.... :hug:

I hope that that helped some and didn't offend. :sorry:

bumblebee62331 · May 21, 2007

blessedmomof# said:
Hugs , know the feelings all to well, even the ones with the counseller not showing up,
can you find yourself an ED therapist? maybe that would do you better? sorry you are going through this right now if you ever need to talk i am here. i know i don't post much, figure who am i to talk...... but i am here for you if you need.

I can't because I can't afford it and I also don't want to make a huge deal about it. I'm going to the uni counsellor (for free) just to talk about how I've been feeling lately.

Soulwings said:
Um... your counselor didn't even show up?? And she doesn't have a clue how to deal with EDs? Kate, I think you should find another counselor, honestly. But... I have to say that I am proud of you for going to one in the first place! I bet that took a lot of gumption to finally get up and do it. So kudos to you for being brave.

It's not that good because she's just the free uni counsellor.

Soulwings said:
And yes, I have felt like curling up in bed and never coming out again. It's safer there. I don't know, I've been diagnosed bipolar and I'm usually stuck in a depressive episode, so it's depression for me... but how do you know that you aren't depressed?

I guess I hope I'm not.

Soulwings said:
And... that sounds like a "friend" not a true friend. Why does s/he keep telling you that you'll gain weight if you eat and that you're fat? It sounds more like s/he is insecure with his/her own looks, and does the whole projection thing. Don't listen to whatever that "friend" tells you.... because it's not true, you won't get fat if you eat, in fact the other way 'round. If you eat the proper stuff you'll get your basal metabolic rate up and that will, in turn, cause you to healthily lose weight. But I'm sure that you knew all that anyway. It's one thing to know it and another to believe it. But I've seen it in action with me, so I'm getting to trust my nutritionist. Sort of. Haha.

Anyway.... I hope that that helped some and didn't offend.

My friend is male and he's not "my" friend exactly but he's a friend of my boyfriend's and I spend a lot of time with him. It started out as jokes but lately it's been really hitting the spot. I have put on weight, I know that, but to have him saying "Once on the lips, forever on the hips!" every time I put something to my mouth, sort of wears me down a little. But at least it gives me a reason to lose weight - I'm not the only one who can see the gain. *shrug*

Nobility · May 21, 2007

Hey again

I understand what you mean about the counsellor then... It is hard isn't it to get the support needed when you are not looking like you have an ED, but you do.

Do you have any friends who'd be willing to pull apart how you are feeling with you? And who'd be able to help you get to a point of understanding where you are at? Maybe free church counsellors, or a pastor (or youth pastor)... I'd love to help if I was there, but I know you are needing a real life person :hug:

bumblebee62331 · May 21, 2007

No I think it's best just to let this run its course.

Nobility · May 23, 2007

Okey dokey... If theres anything you specifically want me praying about for you, then feel free to PM me :hug:

bumblebee62331 · May 24, 2007

Nobility said:
Hey again I understand what you mean about the counsellor then... It is hard isn't it to get the support needed when you are not looking like you have an ED, but you do.

I'm fat. Not obese, but fat.
That's why I feel stupid claiming I have an ED.

Nobility · May 24, 2007

Hun... I honestly don't think you are. It's an "Eating Disorder" not a "I'm thin" disease. I struggled with it all again last year before my wedding and trust me, I'm not the tiniest little girl

I'd really love you to be able to learn to get to get to a healthy weight... and get there in a heathly (completely - mind and body) way.

UndeservedGrace · May 25, 2007

Be blessed in Jesus name!

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