Fighting Against Failure

Lightbearer3 · May 7, 2007

KingZzub said:
God's grace is not enough. It is more than enough.

God is not disillusioned with you - because He never had any illusions with you in the first place. He called you - called you by name, called you with all of His heart knowing that you would fail, knowing that you would sin, knowing that you would fluctuate all over the place. But He still called you.

You are too busy looking at all that has not been done to look at all the wonderful works the Lord has done around you. You are not as confused as you used to be. Your language has cleaned up, your desire for revenge is gone. Your anger is not what it was. God has done some wonderful works in your heart, and He has not even finished - barely even started.

The future is bright my friend. So bright.

Blessings,
|ZZ|

Precious...Like rain that falls in the desert...let them soak into you.

SharonL · May 7, 2007

Everything has a time and a season - maybe your assignment was completed and God has another assignment opening up for you. He could be preparing you to be strong in Him and no one else.

therebelprophet · May 8, 2007

No response? Someone please read post #20 "Too afraid to join the dance". Um...help? Advice? Encouragement? Anecdote? Something?

msbojingles · May 8, 2007

therebelprophet said:
No response? Someone please read post #20 "Too afraid to join the dance". Um...help? Advice? Encouragement? Anecdote? Something?

praying for you.

hislegacy · May 8, 2007

therebelprophet said:
Everything that all of you are telling me is good and helpful, to a degree. I don't know if anyone has ever been in this situation like I am right now. It's not just about being a failure or not, it's about being afraid of letting go.

Being afraid to let go is a severe sympton of a lack of trust in the one saying let it go. Are you sure you are hearing God's voice? If the answer is yes - than how can you NOT let it go?

Just a little over a year ago, I started going to a church in another city, the one I lived in before I moved to New Orleans. I met a few people, but I had been through so much emotional and mental trauma in the previous four months that I could not bring myself to become a part of them, does that make sense? There was no real fellowship, it was superficial. But then I met Dan and Lauren. They drew me out and were borderline annoying in their attempts to get me to come and hang out with them. One night I finally decided to give it a shot. What followed that night was two and a half months of heaven on earth for me. We were such good friends and I loved them so dearly. But things changed, as they have a tendency to do.

Suddenly, without warning, it was like I was invisible to them, to everyone. I began to have an ache in my heart that increased in intensity over a two week period. One night, the ache was so bad that I physically clutched my chest over my physical heart to try to do something to alleviate that feeling...but it persisted.

God separated me from my friends to move me to New Orleans. He used them to draw me out of my shell and then when I had finally opened up, when my sails had all unfurled and I was going through life with flags flying, a storm hit. A hurricane. Hurricane Lauren. Hurricane Loss. They didn't do anything. It wasn't their fault. But it wasn't my fault, either. God did it. I thought I would die in sorrow when it hit me full force that I would be leaving my friends. I loved them that much. Their battles were MY battles. Their hurts were MY hurts. We fought together, lived together, worshipped together, and played together. We were true friends.

There's is where you are missing it - God does not bring tragedy - He leads you through it to victory. First thing I would suggest is that you stop blamming God for evil.

I'm still recovering from having to leave my home. The end of this month will be a year and it still hurts. No one here has filled that void. My relationships here are not vibrant and full of Life like those relationships were.

This is where your relationship with Jesus should be - because He is ALWAYS with you - He never leaves, He never forsakes.

I THOUGHT I WOULD DIE! DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?! WHEN I LEFT MY FRIENDS, I THOUGHT I WOULD DIE! I have NEVER felt that way before! NEVER! And now I'm here and there is no one who can relate, no one who understands! They say they do, but they don't! They're just as cold and lifeless as mannequins! I don't see any passion! I don't see people who act like they KNOW that God is doing something! It's too laissez faire. Merrily we roll along...right down the Crapper.

So that is my dilemna. I am locked away inside my castle armored with a thousand layers of pain. I left my fortress a year ago and God-not ME, not THEM, not ANYONE else but God-CRUSHED me, ground me to powder, and left me to pick up the pieces alone, wounded unto near-death, and in a barren wasteland.

So now I am, understandably, scared to try again, scared to be drawn out, enticed into the strike zone of His enormous cosmic mallet. Can you really blame me? I actually won, for a change, in a MAJOR area of my life and he literally RIPPED it out of me! (Hence the ever-increasing ache) So what now? Try, try again? Have faith? Believe and speak? Give up?

How CAN you ever succeed if you win and then God turns your victory into defeat?

You're not fighting God - you are fighting BAD teaching somewhere along the line.

You are not God's enemy and God is not your enemy either.

therebelprophet · May 8, 2007

Balance said:
Being afraid to let go is a severe sympton of a lack of trust in the one saying let it go. Are you sure you are hearing God's voice? If the answer is yes - than how can you NOT let it go?

It's not a matter of letting "IT" go, but of "letting go", as in, letting myself get close to other people or to God. I have so steeled myself against pain and loss that it scares me. I guess you could call it "guarded indifference". Listlessness. Does anyone understand what I'm talking about here?!

riverpastor · May 8, 2007

rebelprophet,

Could be that your "guarded indifference" is simply an emotional response to your situation.

Sometimes, your emotions will effectively "shut down" to keep you from further emotional pain.

Seriously, you still have the availability to access God's Presence... in which there is healing and refuge.

This happened to me last year while going through some traumatic experiences.

therebelprophet · May 8, 2007

riverpastor said:
rebelprophet,

Could be that your "guarded indifference" is simply an emotional response to your situation.

Sometimes, your emotions will effectively "shut down" to keep you from further emotional pain.

Seriously, you still have the availability to access God's Presence... in which there is healing and refuge.

This happened to me last year while going through some traumatic experiences.

I would say that what you have just said is EXACTLY what is happening. There are people that I am "close" to, but not emotionally. They are "important" but I have no feelings toward our relationship. How do you overcome something like this?

In one of my journal entries a couple of months ago, I actually likened how I feel right now (and have felt since August of last year) to how a body builder's muscles respond after a grueling workout. There is a point at which they will reach "total muscle failure" which means that they physically cannot lift the weight again. Using the same analogy, my emotions have been through a pretty grueling 18 months and they will not respond because they can't. I'm in survival mode and anything that tries to penetrate to my deeper emotional core gets rebuffed in a most impolite fashion.

So what do I do? Wait it out? Try to pray even though I'm "not feeling it"?

????

twiffernies · May 9, 2007

Wow... it sounds like you have been through so much... I am in a slightly similar situation... feeling as if I've failed so often, why Lord, how Lord, why do you have so much grace for me??? But I have had enough victory to rely on in the past that I can see hope again...I don't really wanna talk about me, but I do want to let you know I can relate... I was in a church where I had a mentor who died an unexpected/untimely death (possible health issues) I felt God and she had abandoned me. I was suicidal(not just thoughts-attemptsx4) for almost 12 years and I am just recently coming out of that. I had a husband who didnt understand me, family members slandering me, and a saved family member didnt believe I'd had my miscarriage after being barren for about 4 years. God is literally the only way I survive. Slowly just listen to Him if you can a few times each day and meditate on what you can from the Word, even if it's just a few words from a verse... you are fearfully and wonderfully made..love your sister in Christ ><>

therebelprophet · May 9, 2007

twiffernies said:
Wow... it sounds like you have been through so much... I am in a slightly similar situation... feeling as if I've failed so often, why Lord, how Lord, why do you have so much grace for me??? But I have had enough victory to rely on in the past that I can see hope again...I don't really wanna talk about me, but I do want to let you know I can relate... I was in a church where I had a mentor who died an unexpected/untimely death (possible health issues) I felt God and she had abandoned me. I was suicidal(not just thoughts-attemptsx4) for almost 12 years and I am just recently coming out of that. I had a husband who didnt understand me, family members slandering me, and a saved family member didnt believe I'd had my miscarriage after being barren for about 4 years. God is literally the only way I survive. Slowly just listen to Him if you can a few times each day and meditate on what you can from the Word, even if it's just a few words from a verse... you are fearfully and wonderfully made..love your sister in Christ ><>

Ahhhhhh, and now comes the Truth. I love it. This is the kind of thing that I have been looking for. Small steps. It seems so obvious now, but it's always hardest to see "the obvious" when you're walking through a fog, now isn't it? Thank you. I will do this.

flyingsum0 · May 9, 2007

You should write plays or movies or sumthin...I like the way you write...

therebelprophet · May 9, 2007

flyingsum0 said:
You should write plays or movies or sumthin...I like the way you write...

Got a book in the works already. Thank you for the compliment.

c1ners · May 9, 2007

therebelprophet said:
Everything that all of you are telling me is good and helpful, to a degree. I don't know if anyone has ever been in this situation like I am right now. It's not just about being a failure or not, it's about being afraid of letting go.

Just a little over a year ago, I started going to a church in another city, the one I lived in before I moved to New Orleans. I met a few people, but I had been through so much emotional and mental trauma in the previous four months that I could not bring myself to become a part of them, does that make sense? There was no real fellowship, it was superficial. But then I met Dan and Lauren. They drew me out and were borderline annoying in their attempts to get me to come and hang out with them. One night I finally decided to give it a shot. What followed that night was two and a half months of heaven on earth for me. We were such good friends and I loved them so dearly. But things changed, as they have a tendency to do.

Suddenly, without warning, it was like I was invisible to them, to everyone. I began to have an ache in my heart that increased in intensity over a two week period. One night, the ache was so bad that I physically clutched my chest over my physical heart to try to do something to alleviate that feeling...but it persisted. God separated me from my friends to move me to New Orleans. He used them to draw me out of my shell and then when I had finally opened up, when my sails had all unfurled and I was going through life with flags flying, a storm hit. A hurricane. Hurricane Lauren. Hurricane Loss. They didn't do anything. It wasn't their fault. But it wasn't my fault, either. God did it. I thought I would die in sorrow when it hit me full force that I would be leaving my friends. I loved them that much. Their battles were MY battles. Their hurts were MY hurts. We fought together, lived together, worshipped together, and played together. We were true friends.

I'm still recovering from having to leave my home. The end of this month will be a year and it still hurts. No one here has filled that void. My relationships here are not vibrant and full of Life like those relationships were.

I THOUGHT I WOULD DIE! DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?! WHEN I LEFT MY FRIENDS, I THOUGHT I WOULD DIE! I have NEVER felt that way before! NEVER! And now I'm here and there is no one who can relate, no one who understands! They say they do, but they don't! They're just as cold and lifeless as mannequins! I don't see any passion! I don't see people who act like they KNOW that God is doing something! It's too laissez faire. Merrily we roll along...right down the Crapper.

So that is my dilemna. I am locked away inside my castle armored with a thousand layers of pain. I left my fortress a year ago and God-not ME, not THEM, not ANYONE else but God-CRUSHED me, ground me to powder, and left me to pick up the pieces alone, wounded unto near-death, and in a barren wasteland.

So now I am, understandably, scared to try again, scared to be drawn out, enticed into the strike zone of His enormous cosmic mallet. Can you really blame me? I actually won, for a change, in a MAJOR area of my life and he literally RIPPED it out of me! (Hence the ever-increasing ache) So what now? Try, try again? Have faith? Believe and speak? Give up?

How CAN you ever succeed if you win and then God turns your victory into defeat?

You have much pain in your heart, and yes, I can understand that. When I was 22 I lost the love of my life. I watched as he took his last breath and died in front of my very eyes. Leaving me widowed with a 16 month old daughter to care for. I lived my life for that baby. I did everything I thought was best for her. I gave her a new daddy. A new sister, and once again a family. But it was never the same. There was never any real love in the family. Still isn't today, but I made my bed, and I guess I have to lay in it.

My girls became my joy. My life. My happiness. Besides God, they were my all in all. The oldest is now married and lives in a different country. The youngest betrayed me, and at 15 was sent away to another state. I too feel like I've lost everything. Everyone. But the one person I know who will never leave me is God. Of that I'm sure. And he'll never leave you either. No matter how low you feel in life. he'll always be there to pick you back up. And even though we turn away from him at times, he is still always there for us. Waiting. Patiently waiting for us to return.

He loves you. He honestly loves you. Press on, my son, press on! In Jesus name, press on!

Amylisa · May 9, 2007

SharonL said:
He could be preparing you to be strong in Him and no one else.

Yes. This is the thought I had.
It hurts during the process, but the result will be worth it. Believe me! Mostly, trust Him even if you understand Nothing. Trust Him regardless.
Ask Jesus to work trust in your heart. Only He can do it.
God bless you! :crossrc:

for you.

therebelprophet · May 9, 2007

Here's something that hit me square between the eyes today:

This is from Oswald Chambers' "My Utmost For His Highest". It's today's devotion (today is May 9).

"Where there is no vision, the people cast off restraint." Proverbs 29:18 (R.V.)

There is a difference between an ideal and a vision. An ideal has no moral inspiration; a vision has. The people who give themselves over to ideals rarely do anything. A man's conception of Deity may be used to justify his deliberate neglect of his duty. Jonah argued that because God was a God of justice and of mercy, therefore everything would be all right. I may have a right conception of God, and that may be the very reason why I do not do my duty. But wherever there is vision, there is also a life of rectitude because the vision imparts moral incentive.

Ideals may lull to ruin. Take stock of yourself spiritually and see whether you have ideals only or if you have vision.

"Ah, but a man's reach should exceed his grasp,
Or what's a heaven for?"

"Where there is no vision. . . ." When once we lose sight of God, we begin to be reckless, we cast off certain restraints, we cast off praying, we cast off the vision of God in little things, and begin to act on our own initiative. If we are eating what we have out of our own hand, doing things on our own initiative without expecting God to come in, we are on the downward path, we have lost the vision. Is our attitude to-day an attitude that springs from our vision of God? Are we expecting God to do greater things than He has ever done? Is there a freshness and vigour in our spiritual out look?

Like I said...hit me square between the eyes.

therebelprophet · May 9, 2007

Just trying to get back to the top of the list...more visible

Amylisa · May 9, 2007

That is excellent. It has been a long time since I have read from that book. I am glad you shared that!

This reading definitely speaks to me. Convicting. I need to read it and ponder it again. Very applicable to things God is dealing with in my life. It is amazing the myriad ways that God will get a message across!
Gotta go dig out my copy of "My Utmost"!

Thanks, Jeremiah. :wave:

Optimax · May 9, 2007

therebelprophet said:
Like a merry-go-round, spinning and spinning until you're sick. It always seems to be spinning a lot slower than you feel like it is. Until. you. stop. Man that sounds like fun. Then why am I not smiling?

How do you open up when you're not sure you have doors anymore? How do you give 100% when even 1% is a stretch? How do you miss someone you haven't seen for over a year? How can you miss people who don't miss you? How do you serve God when you feel like you're such a failure as a Christian? Like a child caught up in the horror of his parents' divorce, it's all your fault. It can't be God. He's perfect. So it must be you. Wow.

There is such a great heaviness in me. Like I'm being dragged down by something. Yeah, this is familiar. I've previously described it as being "like a corpse fettered to my ankles" and as a "cold, dead thing that haunts me at the corners of my eyes". Prophetically, person after person has told me that she thinks about me, that she's so full of guilt that she doesn't dare approach me. I see it just the other way around. I feel like I've failed her. If I had done what I was supposed to do when she came back, then she would be better, right? I mean, seriously, how can you expect to shine like the Light in someone's life when you partake in their sin just as much as they do, if not more! I failed. I FAILED! If she never turns around it will be because I messed up, because I didn't pray enough for her, because I didn't stay "in the secret place", because I wasn't a light in her life! IT'S ALL MY FAULT!!

How can you shine in someone's life if you smoke cigarettes and drink just like they do? How can you witness to them that they need to get their life right when you listen to hard rock and worldly music and curse like a naughty schoolboy? I screwed the whole thing! I...I... *tear runs down, looks away, clenches jaw*

Is there, is there balm in Gilead?
Tell me, tell me I implore!
Quoth the raven, Nevermore!

Is this all for nothing? Have I struggled in vain? Have I made a grand fool of myself? Have I yearned so painfully to see her whole and failed in the afterglow of my greatest success? *tears running freely, face twisted in pain and sorrow* All I wanted was to see her whole! Why, oh why, is my pain perpetual and my wound incurable, refusing to be healed!? Will the Lord of the Earth do what HE PROMISED ME!? Will the Judge of the whole Earth do what is just? Or will He deny me because I failed? Will He say, "Too bad, kid, the joke's on you. You just weren't good enough."?

I'm waiting for the hammer to fall. Waiting for the bad news to arrive. Waiting to be like Job. "What I have greatly feared has come upon me!" I'm waiting for her to die in sin, to be lost forever, to die prematurely. I'm waiting to be a widower before I was ever even married to her...how awful! Yet deep down, this is what I half expect. It would only be fitting that I lose in the end. Then what a story...it would fit the rest of my life perfectly. I'm never good enough. Even if I win, I still lose! Even when I do everything right, I still lose! No matter how hard I struggle, no matter how much I sacrifice, I always lose! I may survive, I may even get ahead a little bit in the process, but in the end...I lose. Every. time.

And people wonder why I fall into despair, why I can't seem to get things together! I'm scared! I'm petrified that I won't be good enough! Like that movie A Knight's Tale, I'm almost certain that at some point I will hear, "You have been weighed. You have been measured. And you have been found WANTING."

Every day seems like a day closer to death. I can't reach out to God. It's just too much for me to handle right now. I can't reach out to Him and be restored to where I was before and then go to this horrendously vanilla church that I've been put in. Another great idea of God's. Freakin ay, man.

I'm tired, I'm lonely, I'm scared, and I just wanna go Home. I'm not mad at God. I know that He has good things for me, but I'm sure I'll only mess them up. Even if I do, does He have me covered? Even if I screw up EVERYTHING, does His grace cover even that? Will I still win even if I'm a total failure? This is where I am right now. Behind the mask. Behind all the positive thinking and starry-eyed looking toward the future, this is where I am. I am a failure at everything that I have ever attempted that was of any significance. How? Just...how? Is it even possible for me to be a winner? I'm so used to failing...how? How, how, how, how, HOW?

If you are born again and you probably are then you are not a failure in life.

You made the right decision for the main, number one reason that you were born.

You chose the family of God. Your a success for eternity.

We all have some growing to do, so keep at it.

swee · May 9, 2007

therebelprophet said:
It's not a matter of letting "IT" go, but of "letting go", as in, letting myself get close to other people or to God. I have so steeled myself against pain and loss that it scares me. I guess you could call it "guarded indifference". Listlessness. Does anyone understand what I'm talking about here?!

Yes.

Trish1947 · May 9, 2007

I'm tired, I'm lonely, I'm scared, and I just wanna go Home. I'm not mad at God. I know that He has good things for me, but I'm sure I'll only mess them up. Even if I do, does He have me covered? Even if I screw up EVERYTHING, does His grace cover even that? Will I still win even if I'm a total failure? This is where I am right now. Behind the mask. Behind all the positive thinking and starry-eyed looking toward the future, this is where I am. I am a failure at everything that I have ever attempted that was of any significance. How? Just...how? Is it even possible for me to be a winner? I'm so used to failing...how? How, how, how, how, HOW?

We have all been there I think. I know I have. I just gave up, and asked God to at least let me see myself from His perspective. I didn't like me. That's a day that changed me. There was no failings visable, no tiredness, no dread of repeats, everything that covered me was totally sufficiant and was cloaked in His righteousness. Not my own.. Suddenly I stood taller, felt strength come, then the joy of the Lord. Hey I'm running on His goodness, perfectness, and not my own..what a relief!!

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