Spiritual Warfare, Pt 2

So far, my thoughts on winning were this:

1. Get closer to God. Spend as much time with Him as possible, read the scriptures as much as possible, make sure I made it to church, and pray even when it didn't seem necessary. This would keep my spiritual energy up so that I could withstand this spiritual fight.

2. Avoid Kae until I could think of a way to kill her interest in me. I didn't think I could find a way to get myself to stop wanting her. I was 26 and unmarried. At best i could hope to shift my desire, but taking in Kae's availability, that was unlikely. So I'd have to attack from her side onward.

3. Find ways to attack this spirit. Since I'd been into hypnosis, I was really able to take stock of my own being. Most of my current problem was indeed sex drive, but something about the situation was wrong. That desire was being stoked, fueled. I'd never had a problem with celibacy before. I should have been able to *easily* control myself-I'd done so before and knew what I was capable of. I had to assume that the added influence was this spirit's doing. So I had to find a way to attack him, even as I defended myself against him.

It frustrated me that there was no one to help me. That the only Christians I talked to could only admit they'd "given in once or twice" ticked me off royally. I became even more determined to win, just to proclaim to others that it could be done. And I would do it.

I was *not* going to lose this.

I thought about Kaitlin, her body, her routine, and the fact that she was so eager and willing, and I knew that if I could resist her, I could resist anything.

I was not going to lose this.

And the blond guy, I don't understand you giving it credit for anything, it doesn't deserve credit for anything. God alone will draw you to Christ.

Click to expand...

Really you're right. I just meant it in the same way as Paul claimed to have laid the foundation for the Corinthians in 1 Cor 3.10

You think you can see God?

Click to expand...

No, I think God is not a visualization but some kind of eternal truth, of which His word, Jesus is an image. I think I saw a dream with a man symbolizing God just as the rest of the dream symbolized other things as well.

do you think your seeing 'spirits' will do you any good?

Click to expand...

No, that's what this entire episode was about. I used to think it did me good. When I wanted to stop, those spirits didn't want to.

..

I know I'm probably supposed to sit here and say that I went to my room and prayed, and realized that God was all I really ever needed, and that this gave me the strength to snap out of it and that afterwards everything was okay, but that didn't happen.

So far, my thoughts on winning were this:

1. Get closer to God. Spend as much time with Him as possible, read the scriptures as much as possible, make sure I made it to church, and pray even when it didn't seem necessary. This would keep my spiritual energy up so that I could withstand this spiritual fight.

Click to expand...

I was close to God. I'd been close to Him when this started off. But this was not something that stemmed from a spiritual sin or a desire for something I shouldn't have had. When I'd stopped with the cards and books, it was not easy but I was somewhat pacified-I lost a relationship with some things but found another one in the Lord. But here I couldn't pacify myself. I had to make a dead stop. And that was hard to do.

And I did read my scriptures. This:

...All at once he followed her,
like an ox going to the slaughter.

..was helping more than anything else in my case, but still I felt like I was being roped in. I was struggling with all my strength and a lesser man would have ceased to care long ago, but still i was having a hard time.

My prayers consisted of blocking out the world and my thoughts, reaching out to Christ for atonement, then offering the Lord my love, my obedience, my worship, then my praise. Afterwards I would just kind of sit there with Him for a minute, leveling my heart with His. Then I would say whatever I needed to say. So my prayers were not weak or insincere. Yet my emotional strength was still fading. I was really getting tired of the entire situation.

2. Avoid Kae until I could think of a way to kill her interest in me.

Click to expand...

I had to see this girl everyday at work, but I successfully avoided her so much outside of work that she began to realize I was doing it on purpose. She told me that guys weren't supposed to play hard to get. I had learned to dodge her pretty well. But I knew the first time I failed to do this, I would not be able to resist her. Even seeing her at work, I could barely stand it.

I tried to start being mean to her and start picking on her, but I couldn't bring myself to really do this effectively. Since I wasn't able to bring myself to really attack her, I didn't sweat it but focused on avoiding her until I could try to push her away.

3. Find ways to attack this spirit..I had to find a way to attack him, even as I defended myself against him.

Click to expand...

I really had *no* idea how to do this.

I thought back to exorcisms, and took note that everything was based on authority. The alien prayer I posted from the CE-4 site came to my mind. So whenever I felt a desire towards Kae, I blindly recited the prayer and any verses that seemed pertinent. This was *my* life, and I took authority, through Christ, over it.

When I'd first started working at Sony, the guards all told me there was a ghost in the old parts of the tape duplication warehouse. I doubted them at first (since I figured I knew all about spirits), but experienced this ghost myself-it felt like another person's presence-walking beside me. 'Nother story, 'nother time. Anyhow, I also quoted scriptures at this thing. It did absolutely nothing. I eventually tried something else: I sought out God, tried to engulf myself with His Spirit, then tried to broadcast these feelings-that is, the Holy Ghost-over to this thing. Yeah, I know, I'm loony and imagining things and just making them up as I go-but this trick worked. It was the only thing that did work, despite all the prayer I did concerning it at the time. So the point is, this "broadcasting" was about the only other trick I could think of to "attack" this spirit with. So whenever I felt I was being tempted, I surrounded myself with Jesus's spirit and tried to let it just kind of..radiate.

..so I continued to try and fight against what was happening to me.

spr said:

If your struggling with temptation all I can suggest is prayer and fasting.

Click to expand...

I know that's all you can suggest. That's all anyone can suggest. That's why I had such a hard time fighting this, and why I'm now suggesting other things to other people. I'm not trying to say you're wrong or less informed than me or that I'm some kind of spiritual expert of anything of the sort. I somehow managed to escape when prayer and fasting and my very self failed me, and I believe it will be edifying to share my testimony with others.

:bows:

I had been a miserable and very sad person before the Lord called me, and because He had saved me from this, I loved Him beyond my own belief.

I was very serious about remaining obedient to Him. This was not just a decision though. If I were going to stay true to my god, to what I believed in and worshipped as above myself, then I was going to have to fight, and fight hard.

There was no reason for me to fail:

No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; He will not tempt you beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it. -1 Cor 10.13

He will keep you strong to the end, so that you will be blameless on the day of our Lord Jesus Christ. God, who has called you into fellowship with His son Jesus Christ our Lord, is faithful. -1 Cor 1.8

So I had no excuse. Others might say we are all human and fall short-this is exactly what my Christian friends at work had said-but I didn't buy it, because I knew my scriptures better than that.

This corruption in the world that my friends could only say they had failed to..it was not necessary for me to bow down under it like they had:

His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires. -2 Peter 1.3, 1.4

We died to sin; how can we live in it any longer?! -Romans 6.2

Sin was no longer my master, and there was no point in time when I would ever need to say, "we all fall short". Christ gave us all everything we need to be like him, by giving us knowledge of himself.

But we know that when he appears, we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is. Everyone who had this hope in him purifies himself, just as he is pure. - 1 John 3.2, 3.3

..so I told myself. I knew I would lose a lot of respect for myself if I lost this thing. I did not respect the other Christians for having so off-handedly admitting immorality. To me, someone who as a kid dreamed of big battles and war and knights, it would be like losing my first battle. Everyone would say there was no shame in it, that I'd fought well, but....I would be ashamed of myself.

But at the same time, I made a sacred vow, then and there, that I would never look down on anyone who had fallen to sexual immorality, because I now knew personally how difficult a fight it was. It was beyond a normal man's strength to resist this. I thought a lot of what I could do. As a kid, I'd *had* to make myself strong. Sometimes it might have come across as arrogant or egotistical..but on the inside, it was confidence. And that confidence came from surviving everything that life had thrown at me so far. I knew I could survive it, because I had survived it. I knew I had a strength, a will, a determination. I knew what I could do.

But, as I've already said, that will had been pretty much destroyed. If I was really, truly tempted, those defenses would not do me much good.

The difference was though, I had not yet given up.

One day while I was at work though, I found myself flirting with Kaitlin in front of the cleaning lady, our friend Nellie.

I undid Kaitlin's belt and..well, I spanked her with it. Nellie was laughing.

"But I haven't been bad..!" Kae whined.

Nellie told Kaitlin she was always being bad and that people generally got away with whatever they thought they *could* get away with.

A superstitious kind of fellow, this scared me a bit.

I picked Kaitlin up, sat her on a cart and began to wheel her down the isle to the admin breakroom.

"What are you *doing* with me..?!" she asked, as if she was helpless and anxious and scared.

As I've said, Kaitlin had pretty much perfected the little helpless lolita routine.

As I was about to find out, she'd learned things like this from her friend Melissa. There was a reason why Melissa knew how to tease guys.

After Kae was finished, her and Melissa would generally come to the north entrance to bother me. When Kaitlin made her way up there this day, Melissa was already there. I cut my conversation with Melissa short to bug Kae and this evidently bothered Melissa.

"Did you get your hair done again?" I asked Kae. "It looks nice, it looks like it's shorter or something."

Kaitlin said she had.

Melissa piped up: "I got my hair done, too."

I then did something incredibly stupid. I turned to Melissa with a completely unemotional face, and said in a very uninterested voice:

"I don't care."

..and turned back to talk to Kaitlin.

After those two left (they rode together to work), one of the guy guards came by to talk for a while. This is when I learned..

"Yeah," I said, "Melissa told me she used to work at Hooters."

In case anyone doesn't know, Hooters is the name of a chain of restaurants where very large-breasted women serve you food.

The other guard didn't buy it. "No she didn't," he informed me. Did she tell you that?"

"..yeah..why?"

He shrugged it off. "She probably didn't want you to know..she wasn't a waitress, she was a stripper. It doesn't matter anyway, a lot of people already know."

If I'd ever had the misperception that strippers were stupid people, that belief was gone. This girl was the type who liked to be able to manipulate men. I think she liked the control issue. Idk. But I can't really say she was a bad person. She was a single mom, very intelligent, very beautiful, she worked a lot of hours when she could, and she loved her son more than anything. But i'm probably just saying this because I really did like her.

I know everyone's got to be tired of reading all this but it keeps getting views so..

I'll try to finish it as soon as I can. I just want to make sure I tell the story the best i can...I was really having a hard time back then. I really believed in God and wanted to be obedient, but I didn't expect that doing so would be so hard. Sounds like a whiner but I wasn't really whining, I was just surprised that I had such a stuggle on my hands. I thought I'd already finished those type of things.

All those things I was doing-praying so much, trying to not see Kae outside of work, so on-it wasn't really doing me any good. I was very nervous by the fact that my own wishes, my willpower, was pretty much down to nothing. It was shattered and weak, but not completely gone. It would have been very easy to just give up. It would've made sense to in a way, because judging by those things, there was no way I could've stayed true to the Lord.

I'll write more when I can!

...

I felt at times that this spirit was laughing at my struggles.

I called Kaitlin one night, about 9pm or so..

I knew that this girl was all an act. She was not naive, certainly not innocent, and though I did like her, I should never have imagined I could have had a relationship with her.

She answered, and in a very loud voice said, "what?! I'm at a party, and I'm *drunk*."

-_-

How disgusting.

I felt as if that spirit were laughing in my face: Do you see what you've gotten into? How are you going to get out of this one? Ha, ha, stuck, aren't you? No strength to struggle..

This added to my desire to fight alright, but there was still nothing I could do. I kept on praying, but there seemed to be no change.

But I think that the Lord heard my prayers, because something else happened to strengthen my resolve.

Two times during this episode I became convinced that angels can fight their way to your side.

This is about one of those times.

While I was at work one day, a woman came out of the warehouse to where I was at. She was ready to go home and had to clock out. She asked if I was okay, and for some reason I told her I would be okay, if it weren't for all my problems with girls. She asked me about this, and I summed up what is now a 10-page story with the words, "some girl wants me to sleep with her, and I want to, but I don't think I should." At this point I'd learned to keep out the parts about the aliens and spirit guides.

So she told me her problems.

She said her last boyfriend just left her for her sister. Her sister lived on her property, in a trailer aside from the house. Her sister was the pretty one. This woman (we'll name her Megan) didnt find herself attractive. She had a flat chest, she wasn't cute like her sister, so on and so forth. The fact that Megan's bf left her for her sister hurt, because this was what *always* happened. She told me it made her feel worthless, like something beneath anyone's notice. Megan said she'd asked her bf how many other girls he'd been with. He said 40 or 50. (They were in their 30's or 40's.) One of the women had been a prostitute. At this, Megan began to cry in front of me. Her boyfriend had refused to tell her this until they'd slept together. This woman Megan then went on to say she didn't even care if someone took advantage of her anymore. She didn't care about sex all that much. She just wanted someone to understand her, but all the guys just wanted to sleep with her first. So, she'd started letting them, thinking they would then stay and she'd have somebody to love. But, invariably at this point, they'd leave just as she started to share who she was. Megan said it made her feel that she wasn't worth knowing, that once they found out what kind of a person she was, the guys wouldn't want to be with her.

It was just about the saddest story I'd ever heard.

Also during this time, I met a man who explained he was a part-time minister. We'd greet each other by asking, "so, what's the Lord done for you lately", trying to be thankful. We shook hands, smiled at each other, and said "God bless you" when he clocked out.

He came out of the warehouse one day, and I asked him how he was.

"Oh, I'd be okay, if I could just conquer this flesh body."

I later learned from Megan that this was the boyfriend.

I decided then and there, i would *not* be like that man!

It was at that point that I truly, truly, decided to fight. Something within me changed. It wasn't will, it wasn't resolve. It was something deeper, something I can't name. It was a part of my soul. It was *me*. And until you make contact with that part of yourself..all I can say is, I never would have made it.

There was something of myself I'd lost in California. I'd converted to Christianity and given myself to the Lord, but..it was as if I'd died at his feet and never stood back up. He was carrying me, and I was just a dead weight in his arms. Whatever I'd left behind, I somehow made contact with again. Though I already felt alive in the Lord, it was as if I'd just then opened my eyes.

All my ability, all my strength, all of it..I was now going to serve God Almighty with all my heart and mind and soul. I was going to give myself completely to Him, by fighting to make myself a living sacrifice.

I hope that makes sense.

So I began to struggle in every way I knew how.

One thing I had always cared about was self-enlightenment. All my favorite books dealt with various forms of this, and one of them was The Art of War. I read passages from it, looking for help:

If your enemy is secure in all his ways,
be prepared for him.
If he has superior strength,
evade him.

I prepared myself by studying the scriptures. I continued to evade by running whenever I needed to.

He will win, he who knows
when to fight and when not to fight.
He will win, he who knows
how to engage both stronger and weaker forces.
He will win, he whose army
is of the same spirit in all the ranks.

If you know the enemy
and know yourself,
you need not fear the result
of one hundred seperate battles.

So I decided I would attack my own feelings when they were weak, hit them with everything I had. When they were strong, I would run from them. When my desire for this girl was weak, I would dive into the Word and the Lord's presence, and will that desire to die. When my desire was strong, I would run from it and try to ignore it. But at all times, I would have to have all my heart in one accord: to be faithful to the Lord.

This is what I told myself.

The last verse was a bit double-edged. Very obviously this spirit knew me too well. He'd dragged up Sara, hand-picked Kaitlin, and pretty much would have destroyed me emotionally if I hadn't drawn on God for support to begin with. But I knew him too, because I'd lived as he'd wanted me to before this all started.

To fight and conquer all your battles
is not the zenith of excellence;
the zenith of excellence consists of
breaking the enemy's resistance
without engaging in combat.

Thus, the highest form of tactic
is to break the enemy's plans;
the next best,
to prevent the use of his forces...

Just winning this episode of immorality was not "victory". The real issue wasn't that I wanted to sleep with this girl. The real issue was that I was going to accept something not from the Lord. That's why adultery is idolatry. That's why immorality is idolatry. What I had to break was the desire in myself to seek good on my own grounds. The issue hadn't changed one bit from the Garden of Eden: Adam wanted godhood apart from the Lord. He wanted something on his own grounds. But my godhood-that is, my godliness, came from this:

His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. -2 Peter 1.3

I read more:

Military victory means
to conquer an enemy
which has already been defeated.

This was my one strong point. I hadn't yet given up, and so I hadn't yet been defeated. This spirit had made a mistake by assuming it no longer mattered.

My enemy was much stronger than me. He had been my spiritual master, my teacher. I had to evade him when he attacked me. I had to admit that if it came down to it, he could defeat me. If Kaitlin came to my house again and I had the chance, I was going to sleep with her. This admission made me look bad and it made me feel bad, but it was true. I wanted her too badly and I could not just resist. I must evade him.

Even when I felt strong, I had to keep my weakness in sight. I had to defend myself and wait for an opening.

Resisting the particular situation was not the true form of victory. I couldn't just win the battle. I had to somehow break the enemy's plans: for me to accept his help and aid. In the meantime, I had to destroy the way he was currently attacking me.

I had to know when and when not to fight. I had to have no aversion to running from or attacking my own desires. I had to be of one spirit, the Lord's Spirit. If any part of me was not under the influence of the Holy Spirit, I would lose. Partial commitment meant only partial victory, and failure was not an option-my love for the Lord was not partial.

I hadn't been defeated yet, and that was my enemy's one mistake. It was as well my one strong point. He'd become frustrated and set out in anger; I however, had defeated everything he'd previously thrown at me. But he was much stronger than anything he'd ever sent to entice me before.

I read the published diary of the Roman emperor Marcus Aurelius as well. Though not a Christian (he was a stoic, likely unfamiliar with true Christianity), his advise was sound:

There is no present advantage in anything that may some day force you to break your word, or lose respect for yourself, or to hate, suspect, or curse another, or to pretend to be other than what you are, or to lust after what you'd be ashamed to seek openly.

Inside, I was a son of the Living God. There was no advantage in doing *anything* that went against this nature, my own true nature.

The man who gives pride of place to reason and to his indwelling spirit-and remains the devoted servants of each-plays no parts, utters no complaints, and craves neither the wilderness, nor the crowd. In fact, he lives without pursuing or fleeing anything at all. Knowing how much longer his soul will travel around in his body-whether for a short time or a long time-is of no interest to him. If the journey were suddenly to end, he would step out of his frame with the same dignity and simplicity that characterize all his actions. All his life he has cared only about this: to take no detours from the high road of reason and social responsibility.

I had to give "pride of place"-the highest position within my self-to my indwelling spirit. That spirit sought loyalty to God Almighty, not my fallen nature. The Emperor had said that "such a man" didn't care whether he lived or died tomorrow-in death, this man would simply step into the next world with the same dignity and simplicity he'd always possessed. Just so, no matter what happened after this fight, it wouldn't matter to me. I had to not care that I would lose the chance to be with Kaitlin. I had to not care that I'd lost the chance to be with Sara. Instead of desire and irritation, I had to clothe myself with self-truth, dignity, and love for God.

Body, soul, and mind-the body for sensations, the soul for the impulse to act, the mind for guiding principles. Yet even the cattle in the field feel sensations; even wild beastes, perverts, a Phalaris, or a Nero are attached to the puppet strings of impulse; even men who deny the existence of God, betray their own country, and engage in shameful practices behind closed doors possess minds to guide them.

Having all this in common with the likes of these, there remains only one distinguishing mark of the good man: his love and delight in the thread of his own destiny and his refusal to soil or upset with an orgy of sensations the divine spirit dwelling within him, where a serene peace reigns and God is obeyed and no untrue words are spoken and no unjust deeds performed. Even if everyone else questions his ability to live so simply, modestly, and happily, he doesn't let their doubts disturb him or divert him from the road leading to his life's destination, which he intends to reach pure and peaceful and prepared to take his leave in unforced allegiance to his fate.

I had to refuse to upset my internal spirit, the son of God within me. I had to hope in Christ, to remember his purity, and to remain true to that purity within myself, a purity achieved through him.

I turned to every movie, song, or game that ever mentioned good fighting evil.

I watched the Matrix so much I began to memorize it. I was fighting an agent, and I had to realize that the bullets were not real, but still they could kill me. When I felt a desire, I had to stop-that desire did not express what was truly in my soul-it was only an attack of the enemy, a shadow of what I had once been. Now though, I was a son of the living God. I had to remember this.

I thought to myself that there were all sorts of people in the world who had fought this same battle and lost. But what about Paul, Josiah, or Samuel? I could not imagine getting to heaven and knowing that I had failed. These people belonged to a country not like this world, something they believed in and had died without seeing. I *had* seen this country, seen it in Christ, and I could not allow myself to give up on reaching it. I began to repeat in my mind the phrase, "loyalty to the kingdom of heaven." This helped me more than just about anything.

Sometimes things got so bad I couldn't even think. I felt like I was in the scene in the movies where the captain yells, "she's coming apart". I felt like *I* was coming apart. I knew I had to free my mind.

I tried to escape reality by inundating myself with video games. I played Zelda: Minnish Cap and Castlevania, Symphony of the Night. Anything fast-paced where you killed a lot of monsters, I dove into. This was the best strategy for when I was really about to lose it.

I wondered several times if I would go crazy. I finally decided I'd rather lose my sanity than my obedience to God. I figured I owed Him my life-so what's my sane mind in comparison with that?

I used these thoughts as padding, with the Word of God as my first and last defense. If an attack came, I first brought up my faith. If that failed, I fell back on Proverbs. If it got so bad that I couldn't think, I'd play Zelda or Castlevania. In the daytime, I reinforced my choices with the emperor or Sun Tzu. I tried to sleep as much as possible. I drank an ungodly amount of Chai tea with honey..it puts me to sleep. On my work-outs, I pushed my body past its endurance and cut my protein to nil; my body was unable to repair itself and i was sore. This also cut my testosterone levels, and my libido did drop, tho only a little. Every little bit helped.

All in all, I was putting up a good battle.

However, I was losing ground.

Thank you so much for your encouragement. It makes me happy to think that this story is something others can relate to.

All of this occult stuff-it's *so* hard to just quit. It's addictive, consuming..it really comes across as pure bliss. It's strong. And I will never be able to completely forget it all. But the Lord *did* get me out of it. Really I'd ran away, and this story was about that old slave-master coming back for me. That's the way I see it. But I fought him off, and the ability to do that was between me and God. If your brother-in-law is having problems, *pray* for him. Spiritual warfare is real, and one of the strongest weapons is prayer. Intercessory prayer works.

***

This can't end well for you, I told myself. This is a trap, and you even know it. But I couldn't seem to break away from this girl..!

But at the same time, my enemy seemed unable to break me.

I couldn't bring myself to *not* answer the phone if she called. And our conversations were generally about sex, and that usually didn't help me to *not* want her. So I told myself a lie:

Really you just don't want to talk to Sara. Why don't you just unplug your phone? Then you won't have to talk to Sara..

My enemy came back with a stronger argument:

What if your sisters call? Mom might be drinking and they'll need your help.

So my phone stay plugged in and I answer it when Kae called, tho I was doing better about not calling her.

Kaitlin asked a question one day concerning something Melissa had learned while she was a stripper.

"Why are guys like that?" she asked.

I gave her an answer, and Kae suggested she come by my apartment to test this very thing. I didn't have the strength to resist her. She asked for an hour to get ready.

I was in a bit of a panic, because I didn't know how to get out of this one. I wasn't able to just call her back and refuse. I had to think of something else.

My enemy was laughing at me. I said at the beginning of this that I'd thought exorcism prayers were useless, because I couldn't sense a presence. That was before. After the call when Kaitlin was drunk, things changed. This spirit wasn't even bothering to hide himself anymore. I could feel this thing in my apartment. It felt like he was floating, cross-legged, in the room with me. I never saw him, but as I live and breath, I could feel him. I'd been out of California for 3 years, but the entire feel of that place came back to me, because I could feel this spirit, which so described that time in my life.

I know vulgar speech isn't becoming of a Christian, but I cursed at this thing. I spoke out loud to it, told him he would *not* win this thing. I laughed at him.

I repeated the CE-4 prayer at least 10, 12 times. I closed my eyes and focused on projecting this authority onto the spirit. I felt I was trying to stare him down with Christ's authority.

Behold, I give you power to tread on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy; and nothing shall by any means harm you.

He shall give his angels charge concerning you, and they shall uphold you in all your ways, lest you dash your foot against a stone.

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not wander.

Nevertheless, I am always with You. You have held me by my right hand.

I repeated all these things and ordered the spirit away in Christ's name again. It left.

But Kaitlin was still on her way over. I had about 40 minutes to think of something.

I was weak, but I was determined.

I went to my computer, downloaded a bit of inappropriate contentography. (Not cool, I know. I was doing what I could.) I *watched* this, trying to cool my sex drive just long enough to get out of the house. I took a freezing cold shower, blasted some music from a video game, and told myself another lie:

You've already slept with Kae. Now you have other things to take care of.

I put on the best outfit I owned, trying to make myself feel as if I had something important to do.

I called my mom then and asked if I could come over.

I called Kaitlin.

"Kae, you're going to hate this, but I've got to go to my mom's house. Her ex showed up, and they're both drinking, and now they're fighting, and my little sisters are freaking out."

She said she understood, her family was the same way.

I drove to my mom's. She was laying on the couch reading Scientific American. Lilac candles burned on the coffee table. My mom asked if I wanted a mocha. Amanda was out. Ashley was watching a kid's Bible show on tv. She hugged a stuffed animal her boyfriend had given her and told me she loved me.

I called Kaitlin.

"Hey, I'm down here and they're still fighting. I'll call you if I get home early tonight."

She said okay. I slept at my mom's that night.

...

So, you ran home to mommy...

Darn straight.

Things went on like this-me struggling and just *barely* getting by-for about 2 or 3 weeks. Kaitlin started to get mad at me. She claimed she didn't understand me and probably never would.

Soon after the night I ran to my mom's, Melissa called me while we were both at work. She sounded irritated or frustrated.

"I heard you were going to sleep with Kaitlin," she accused me.

Rumors were unreliable and I tried to imply this.

"Oh yeah," I tried to sound bored. "Who'd you hear that from?"

"Kaitlin."

::....::

After a second or two of silence, she pressed ahead.

"Well is it true?!"

"I couldn't say whether it was true or not."

She didn't buy it.

I began to realize I'd been caught in some little game of theirs. I was just some stupid Christian who'd been a big enough fool to get involved with these two girls. I thought back to the Matrix and was amazed that other people could be so easily influenced to get to me.

"Fine," she told me, indignant, "you can have sex with Kaitlin, but you have to * me first."

..I told her I was not taking orders. And I somehow hung up the phone, tho part of me would have loved to have done just what she suggested.

A few minutes later she called me back.

"How old are you?" she asked. She seemed nervous or unsure. Knowing her mannerisms, I could see her biting her nails.

"26...why?"

She hesitated for a minute.

"Have you ever been with two girls at the same time?"

I wasn't entirely sure whether she was joking or not.

"I-I don't think Kaitlin would.."

In my mind, I was wondering, what is happening?

Evidently Melissa'd hung up with me and called Kaitlin.

I was sure they were making fun of me.

I called Kaitlin and asked her what they'd been talking about. She seemed to have a "guys are weird, why do they like this" attitude. She asked if I really wanted to do what Melissa had suggested. I felt like some cheap toy she didn't want to share. Kaitlin seemed unhappy in general.

"N, no.." I stumbled. I wasn't sure if I was awake or just being made sport of. I hung up.

Melissa called me back. She was going on about what I'd have to do, when I'd have to do it, and so on. It was like hearing two little girls get excited about their barbies or something. Undisguised female lust, I learned, can be a very disgusting thing.

"You're laughing at me."

"No I'm not." She was serious again, but she didn't seem to understand why I wasn't going to do this thing she'd suggested. "You don't want to?" she asked.

I tried to weasel my way out. No avail. I don't know how else to explain this. If i went back to using my illustration about being in a battle, I felt at that moment that I was surrounded on all sides, and even though I was holding the bad guys off, there were just too many of them.

So now, in addition to not sleeping with Kaitlin, I had to *not* do anything with Melissa as well. And at the same time.

Neat story, but the truth is, this was all the work of a spiritual entity. No doubt in my mind. The devil will offer you anything to get you in line.

This was the most difficult thing I'd ever had to turn down. These girls were *beautiful*. One had made money dancing nude. The other had made money taking pictures nude. They were both very intelligent people. Melissa had survived more in life than I had, and Kaitlin was more in touch with poetry and art than I'd ever hoped to be. There was a lot about both of them that I liked. There was so much *anyone* would have liked. But the bottom line was, it was immorality, it was idolatry, and it was spiritual warfare. And I had vowed not to lose.

I really had a lot of thinking to do.

I felt lonely. There was no denying that. I wanted another human being, and this was a chance to have just that. It wasn't Kaitlin's body that I wanted. It wasn't cheap physical pleasure. I wanted Kaitlin. I liked her, and I wanted to have her in bed. I had to admit this and I did.

Melissa was a very pretty and attractive girl. She was my own age. I liked who she was, and although I didn't want her like I did Kae, it would be very pleasurable to be with someone like her, even emotionally and spiritually speaking. Physically speaking, what she'd suggested would be very nice. Saying it wouldn't be would be a lie, and I have never believed in lying to oneself. Lies will not get you out of your self-made prison.

I prayed for Christ Jesus to show me the truth.

This fight was about the fact that I had depended on other people for my emotional strength in life. The thought I'd had-'you never had a mother or a father', was close to true. When fear of abandonment crossed my mind, I'd tried to cling to another person.

Stop trusting in man,
who has but a breath in his nostrils.
Of what account is he? -Isaiah 2.22

I had to completely give up my faith and dependence on others, and put all my hope and love, all my faith, in Jesus Christ.

I thought back to The Art of War:

the zenith of excellence consists of
breaking the enemy's resistance
without engaging in combat.

I now knew how to do this. I had to rely on Christ for everything.

I went to my bedroom, took a cushion from my couch to kneel on, and prayed. I put on a Christian instrumental CD and sought out the Lord. For a long, long time, I just kept myself in his presence. A lot of thoughts came to me. Overall, I just felt that *this* was my home, being in God's spirit. This was where I belonged more than anywhere else. It was a very difficult time for me just then. I was sad and alone, and I really didn't have anyone that cared about me, or that I could care about. I loved the Lord with all my heart, but I needed another person and I didn't have that. This thing I was being offered-I was really something that I needed. Not sex, but intimacy with another person. I felt that I was somehow locked inside myself, imprisoned by being alone.

I told the Lord all of this.

I began praying with every fiber of my being. I imagined myself gaining every bit of strength in all my body and sending it in prayer, to the Lord.

My existence here was temporary. In Christ Jesus, my soul was eternal. I told Him that I knew my soul was made for Him. I did not want to fail. I wanted to be His son, nothing less.

I didn't want to sacrifice my relationship with Him for another. I had to love Him more. I had to make that choice. We all say it, but I was being called on it, and I had to make my words good.

It was beyond my strength to make this choice though.

I really began to cry. I was horribly sad-not just that I had been led astray, but that myself and men in general had become so weak that we were easy prey for the devil and his servants.

I built up all my love for God. I pulled up and formed all my love for our Lord Jesus Christ. I built myself up with it, as if it alone were my strength.

I imagined the spirit with whom I was wrestling. I took my love of God and attacked him in my mind with it.

I was relentless.

I sought out every place in my self where I felt drawn or attached to this desire I didn't want. I sought out every inch of my soul, and wherever I felt a tie or a cord, I attacked it with all my force.

I imagined the disease of sin within me.

I saw it as a pool, a chameleon that hid within. It had no true form. It was something that was *not*, which wanted to *be*. But in this attack, my guide had called it up. As such, it could be attacked.

I stabbed it. I killed it. Every desire tainted with it, I killed with no mercy. I gave up any part of myself to the Holy Spirit. I would rather die by not being whole than die by falling to sin.

All this time, I felt the full force of the Holy Spirit, like a fire within me.

There are so many verses that come to mind:

I will sing to the Lord,
for He is highly exalted!
The Lord is my strength and my song;
He has become my salvation!
He alone is my God,
and I will praise Him.
The Lord is a warrior;
THE LORD is His Name.

Your right hand, O Lord,
is majestic in power.
Your right hand, O Lord,
will shatter the enemy.

But this is what
the Lord says:

'I will contend with those
who contend with you.'

'In the time of my favor,
I will answer you,
and in the day of salvation,
I will help you.'

'Can a mother forget
the baby at her breast,
and have no compassion
on the child she has borne?'

'Though she may forget,
I will not forget you!'

Who among the 'gods'
is like you, O Lord?
Who is like you,
majestic in holiness,
awesome in glory,
working wonders?

In Your unfailing love, You will lead
the people you have redeemed.
In Your strength You will guide them
to Your holy dwelling.

The Lord will reign
forever and ever!

I had chosen to believe in the Lord. I had chosen to believe that He was above me. I had chosen to worship him as a god. An all-powerful, all-knowing god. Doing this requires more than just words. I had to lay myself down, bow down to Him, and give up my self to Him. Despite all my pain, all my solitude, my first duty was with Him and He came first. I had to love and serve Him more than anyone or anything else, including myself. And so, although I knew it would hurt me to do so, I gave up my desire for these girls to Him and asked Him to help me escape.

...

After this prayer, things became possible for me.

Not easy. Every trick I'd been using up to that point was indespensible. I used them all to continue fighting for my choice.

There was no way to save face. I looked like an idiot to these two girls. But there was nothing I could do.

In time, Kaitlin began to flirt with other guys, and it became easier for me.

I still had to work with this girl, and I still wanted her. I always will. But it became possible to stay away from her.

You can give things away to the Lord, just as I did my desire for this girl. He will take things from you if you ask Him. My desire-that is, sexual desire-did fade a bit, but as I've said, my attraction to her on other levels will always be there.

...

And that was basically it for a long time.

This spirit I fought with so much, he seemed to go away for a while. I had beaten him, and spiritually speaking, I felt it gave me some sort of control over *him*.

I don't know what else to say. This is what happened.

Any questions?

I seriously stand amazed at this point! i've alwayz wanted to run into some one who's been thru something like this and overcome. in our culture today, even christians dont seem to think much of total holiness but i'm so glad you had the courage and the will to love the Lord your God above everything else

Your testimony has got me thinking, and u my friend have just impacted my life for the better

STAY BLESSED

Click to expand...

Oh, my...

I feel as tho Christ has just arrayed me in gold~!

I'm so glad what he has led me through has helped someone else!!!

So all in all, the first thing I have to say is this:

Don't touch *anything* connected to the "occult".

My current understanding of "witchcraft" is that it's like the mafia, or a gang. You don't ever get out of it. You can become "inactive", but they always know your name. That's the best way I know to describe it.

As far as how I won this fight..

Number one: understand sin.

That night I kneel down and prayed, my understanding of sin changed. I now see it as..not an entity with thought or emotion, more like a version of yourself that doesn't exist but somehow wants to. It wasn't just my flesh nature. That seems limited to some very blind desires. Sin is more of a disease. So imagine cancer or something, only as sin takes over different parts of you, those parts begin to work against you, against your own good. So when sin tried (in this story) to take over my sex drive, it used the flesh nature's blinded desire to try and extend it's influence over me. The flesh didn't care. It wanted sex because sex seemed good to it; whether it was now or not until marriage, it didn't care.

There were a lot of things going on at once. The spirit guide seemed very able to cause that sin to flare up-I felt like sin were on puppet strings for him. If the spirit had just worked through my flesh, he wouldn't have been *nearly* as strong. But it was that sinful nature in my spiritual body, not my flesh one, that made things so difficult for me. And when I said I looked for the sin and me and tried to kill it..i was kinda in a meditative state, that place where you can feel the Holy Ghost with you..and I could feel sin as well. I felt that it was normally hidden but had come out to conquer me. And when I said i looked for it and killed it, that's exactly what it felt like. Like I had to find it and stab it. Just like I had to close my eyes and pray to feel the Lord's presence, i had to do the same to fight my sin.

The second thing about winning this is my own tricks on mastering myself. The way I rule my own life is pretty much by will. If I have to get up early, i just will myself to obey. So will was my strongest weapon. Next, i understood mind games because of how i manipulated people as a child. So when I was fighting, I used these mind games on myself. Whatever I happened to have, I had to use. So I would say, whatever *you* know, you must use that as well.

The last and most important thing is the fact that number two failed me. It wasn't enough. All my weapons were useless against the devil. Prayer and God's mercy were all that kept sin and this spirit from mastering me. But what my own strengths *did* do, was to keep me alive long enough to use a weapon that did work-the will of the Lord. And this I found in prayer. There is a verse where God says we will find Him when we seek Him with all our hearts. Meaning, not a moment before. Same for me in this situation. I prayed before, but He didn't really help me until I prayed to Him with all my desire, with all my heart. And then, my own tricks started to have an effect. And as time went, as I resisted the devil, he fled.

Prayers like the CE-4 one, or any "in the name of Jesus, be gone" prayers..i don't really know what to think about them. I've no doubt that they work, but..idk, there's something to this that I don't understand. I've used prayers like this in dreams and while out of my body as well-when I pray like this, *I* fade away, as if I'm taken away from the problem. Never the other spirit. So I use prayers like this while in the flesh, but can't *see* what they do. Do they have a different affect when I'm asleep in my flesh body? I dont know. But it's certainly not an instant kill method. Temporary at best. Maybe i've been doing something wrong, i don't really know.

And i think that's all I have to say for now. :-/