Children a burden??

Kiwi · Mar 3, 2007

hey orchard, you sound just like me as a kid, 'what's the point of dolls, their not real" ha ha, that was me. Anyway I actually have kids and found this an interesting thread to read. I always felt I would be child free when I was young but changed my mind when I got married. However I have since come to see that my first instincts where probably the right ones. However I now have children (2) and have to make the best of it. I have decided to do '70's style parenting', which means that the kids are not my whole life, they are a part of my life and I have other parts as well and they just have to work around that, like I have to work around them at times. I find this whole 'super-parenting' thing a load of rot, have given that up. I definatly found the young baby years the hardest and felt like I totally lost my own identity but now they are a bit older I can have a reasonable conversation with them it has got alot better. I am studying at university and hope to also do postgraduate study and I know that I will not be able to do all the things I could have done if I didn't have children and that really grates sometimes. It seems in christian circles especially it is taboo to come out and say 'hey, I love my kids but I don't like mothering'. Me and a friend were talking about this and she feels the same (she has one child). So I have come to see that God has given me many gifts and talents, 'mothering' is not one of them, it is something that I really have to work on, but it doesn't come naturally as it does to some.

Amélie Unbound · Mar 3, 2007

Kiwi, thanks for sharing and being so honest about your feelings. I suspect a lot of parents feel the way you do but aren't comfortable admitting it!

Daisy321 · Mar 3, 2007

I always wanted to be a parent, but that is not going to happen. I think they would be more of a blessing than a burden! Sure, they would bring extra pressure with money and responsibilty. Still more of a blessing.

Epoh99 · Mar 4, 2007

Kiwi said:
... Anyway I actually have kids and found this an interesting thread to read. I always felt I would be child free when I was young but changed my mind when I got married. However I have since come to see that my first instincts where probably the right ones. However I now have children (2) and have to make the best of it. I have decided to do '70's style parenting', which means that the kids are not my whole life, they are a part of my life and I have other parts as well and they just have to work around that, like I have to work around them at times. I find this whole 'super-parenting' thing a load of rot, have given that up. I definatly found the young baby years the hardest and felt like I totally lost my own identity but now they are a bit older I can have a reasonable conversation with them it has got alot better. I am studying at university and hope to also do postgraduate study and I know that I will not be able to do all the things I could have done if I didn't have children and that really grates sometimes. It seems in christian circles especially it is taboo to come out and say 'hey, I love my kids but I don't like mothering'. Me and a friend were talking about this and she feels the same (she has one child). So I have come to see that God has given me many gifts and talents, 'mothering' is not one of them, it is something that I really have to work on, but it doesn't come naturally as it does to some.

You sound just like my best friend! She realizes she made a mistake in having children and should not be a mother but with God's help she and her husband do the best they can. They love their kids, like you do, but understood pretty quickly that they were meant to be childfree but it was too late. I admire you for sharing this and wish you all God's blessings!

Orchard said:
Kiwi, thanks for sharing and being so honest about your feelings. I suspect a lot of parents feel the way you do but aren't comfortable admitting it!

I agree. I really appreciated her post!

Rebekka · Mar 5, 2007

Kiwi said:
hey orchard, you sound just like me as a kid, 'what's the point of dolls, their not real" ha ha, that was me. Anyway I actually have kids and found this an interesting thread to read. I always felt I would be child free when I was young but changed my mind when I got married. However I have since come to see that my first instincts where probably the right ones. However I now have children (2) and have to make the best of it. I have decided to do '70's style parenting', which means that the kids are not my whole life, they are a part of my life and I have other parts as well and they just have to work around that, like I have to work around them at times. I find this whole 'super-parenting' thing a load of rot, have given that up. I definatly found the young baby years the hardest and felt like I totally lost my own identity but now they are a bit older I can have a reasonable conversation with them it has got alot better. I am studying at university and hope to also do postgraduate study and I know that I will not be able to do all the things I could have done if I didn't have children and that really grates sometimes. It seems in christian circles especially it is taboo to come out and say 'hey, I love my kids but I don't like mothering'. Me and a friend were talking about this and she feels the same (she has one child). So I have come to see that God has given me many gifts and talents, 'mothering' is not one of them, it is something that I really have to work on, but it doesn't come naturally as it does to some.

Very interesting post, Kiwi, thanks for sharing! :hug:

Not a lot of parents dare to admit this, you're right, it IS a taboo. I understand completely that you love your children but don't like mothering! I think I would feel the same if I ever got pregnant - I would love my children but I'm not mother material.

Rebekka · Mar 5, 2007

Orchard, I didn't play much with kids when I was a kid myself, either, and I disliked other children - mostly because I was bullied by most children I knew (and even by strange children), but also because I never understood children: I didn't like babies and toddlers either (even though from a bullying perspective they are harmless). I did play with dolls though.

The only thing that has changed is that I do like babies and toddlers now, to a degree (no, to be honest only babies; toddlers only when they're quiet and clean) - which means for 5-10 minutes. And like you, I do like exceptionally intelligent children (with good manners) of all ages.

Amélie Unbound · Mar 5, 2007

That's interesting, RebekkaH. I was bullied too.

snoochface · Mar 5, 2007

I was too. I wonder how many of us were bullied as kids, and how much that plays into our disinterest in having kids of our own?

snoochface · Mar 5, 2007

Poll posted! http://www.christianforums.com/t4921702-were-you-bullied.html

RunnerGirl · Mar 5, 2007

Thanks for sharing, Kiwi! I've actually had several of my close friends tell me after having their babies that it was not at all what they expected, and if they could go back, they would at least really really think hard before having kids (most people dont think at all it seems!)

The biggest surprise to them all? The incredible toll it has taken on their marriages. Although they all adore their children, they've had a hard time accepting the change in their relationship.

Interesting stuff...

Everlasting33 · Mar 5, 2007

snoochface said:
I was too. I wonder how many of us were bullied as kids, and how much that plays into our disinterest in having kids of our own?

I was also bullied as a child. My childhood was not a fun time for me so maybe that ties in with my disinterest in having children.

However, my roommate has 4 sisters and 1 brother and even though they can annoy her, she loves children. So, maybe good experiences with children at a younger age, and seeing that your parents actually enjoy children is probably why my roomie loves children.

I know that my past influences some of my present decisions, but am I right in saying children are a burden simply because of a dysfunctional past?

Nokids4ME · Mar 5, 2007

Oh man I just spent the weekend at my brothers house for what I wanted to call a vacation. It was anything but a vacation!! So loud, they have 2 kids and they are just crazy. It was the worst experience ever and I will never spent the night at my brother's ever again. Does anyone else have horrible child relatives or friends with horrible children? should I be the one to tell someone they have horrible kids?

snoochface · Mar 5, 2007

I don't think you should ever, under penalty of death and dismemberment, tell a parent they have horrible kids. It serves no purpose. It's not like they think their kids are horrible, and it's no way to foster relationships between family and friends.

You can suggest specific things you think they could do to improve their kids' behavior, share research you've read about discipline methods, etc. -- in other words, be constructive with your suggestions without being insulting to their children or parenting skills. Talk styles, not skills.

By the way, I'm just curious -- your profile says you don't like kids, but you're a second-grade teacher? How does that work for you?

Nokids4ME · Mar 5, 2007

LOL well lets just say, I'm searchinmg for a new job, I can't handle mine at all, I don't make a good teacher and I probably would never make a good mother. At the time when I was going to school for teaching it seemed like this was a good job for a Christian to have and so to make myself look all holy and stuff which I know is wrong but at the time didn't think of it I was hired as a teacher and I don't not like it one bit!! But thanks for the info about how to handle someone else bad kids, good to hear before I make a fool of myself.

snoochface · Mar 5, 2007

That's funny, I have a degree in elementary education myself -- and never used it because in my senior year of college I realized I really didn't like being around kids all day.

Amélie Unbound · Mar 5, 2007

I agree with Snoochface. Never tell someone their kids are horrible. Either they already know and there's no reason to tell them, or they're in denial about it and won't believe you anyway, and they'll just end up seeing you as the enemy. People can, understandably, be really protective and defensive when it comes to their kids.

Rebekka · Mar 5, 2007

snoochface said:
I was too. I wonder how many of us were bullied as kids, and how much that plays into our disinterest in having kids of our own?

Haven't looked at the poll yet, but I think it does play a significant role. It does for me. I don't know what I would have done if I hadn't been bullied, maybe I would be childfree too, but I know that my main reason for being childfree is that I can't love children anymore because of the bullying. I was bullied by all sorts of children in all sorts of settings, so I associate kids in general with bullying, and that's a trauma that will never heal.

Rebekka · Mar 5, 2007

I agree with snoochface and Orchard, you can't tell someone that you don't like their kids - that's like telling them you dislike them. I would never do that.

That's why I don't even dare to tell my brother that I am childfree. I am afraid that he will interpret this as "I don't like your children." (Which is half true - I love them sometimes.)

Oh my goodness! I'm STUPID!!!!! :doh:

I just remembered that it was my nephews birthday today!!!!!

I had reminded myself all day to call them in the evening, but then I went to the supermarket and I forgot all about it! And it's nearly 11 PM now, too late to call a 6-year-old.

I am deeply ashamed of myself.

Everlasting33 · Mar 5, 2007

"Having children is like living in a frat-house--nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up."
Ray Romano on everybody loves raymond

Everlasting33 · Mar 5, 2007

From my child psych class:

"Marital satisfaction typically declines during the child-raising years. In a 10 year longitudinal study of predominantly white couples who married in their late 20s, both husbands and wives reported a sharp decline in satisfaction during the first four years of marriage, followed by a plateau and then another decline (Kurdek, 1999).

Children a burden??

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