I wasn't raped but I didn't want to give my virginity away

Nevara · Feb 9, 2007

I am desperate for answers... I just need a shoulder right now.

I have spent the past 20 years of my life saving my virginity until marriage. I have done more than that... I have stayed pure in many other areas regarding sexual intimacy. Modesty in clothing, not allowing myself to be touched other than hugging, and short kisses and holding hands.... the whole nine yards. I honestly DESIRE to give my husband my that gift on my wedding night.

But now I can't. I had sex, and I honestly don't know why. He was a virgin too, and is a wonderful christian. I didn't really want to, and I communicated my worries at the time, but for some unknown reason, I didn't do anything. I didn't feel like I wanted to, and I didn't feel like I didn't want to. I was numb. completely. and now I hurt so much inside that I feel as though I am dying. And so does he. I HATE that I can't give that gift to my future husband. I know God's forgiveness is complete, and I have asked for it. But I can't help feeling like I have dishonored my husband because of it. Will my future husband forgive me?? How do I erase that experience from my head? The images, and memory of it? I want it gone. I never really wanted this to begin with. It was like some out of body experience. I didn't feel like I was really there.

How could I desire to obey so strongly, and yet still sin? In Romans Paul talks about doing the things he doesn't want to do, and not being able to do the things he wants to do. I can identify.

Help me. I guess that's all I have to say...
Thank you very much...

Mr.Cheese · Feb 9, 2007

SoC · Feb 9, 2007

The guilt and pain are a good sign. It means you understand you've sinned. You also seem repentant and remorseful. Don't worry about being forgiven. You are... at least by God. But you must also forgive yourself and seek forgiveness from the guy you were with (if you haven't already).

Speaking from a guy's perspective, and one who's dated a girl who wasn't a virgin, I can tell you that it is quite possible, even likely, that your future husband will forgive you. I can't speak for every guy in the world, but I know that if my fiancee (different girl than the one I mentioned before) weren't a virgin, I would forgive her because I love her. Just as your future husband will, when you meet him.

I would offer this advice, however. Be up front about it. Don't wait until six months into a relationship to say, "Oh, by the way..." Tell him at the start. Most guys worth dating/courting/marrying will forgive you right then.

As for your question about desiring to obey and still falling, that's what living with sinful flesh is like. Just remember that God is always there, ready to forgive a repentant heart and wanting to restore your relationship with Him.

Johnnz · Feb 9, 2007

Why did it happen? Sex is quite a lot bigger and more fundamental to our existence as humans than many recognise. It can suddenly overwhelm us, not because we are particularly bad or weak, but because it plugs in to so much that is fundamental to us as God-created humans. Unfortunately we have tended to demonise sex rather than recognising its importance. Thus, there is a lot of emphasis on control, but too little on living with a very strong drive.

The future? Relax. There are untold numbers through the ages who have had premarital sex who went on to have great marriages and productive Christian lives. That's the wonder of the gospel - even murderes of Christians can become one of the church's greatest saints.

The memories will be there. They are part of your experience. You will need to accept God's forgiveness as a deliberate act, and deal with those memories from that basis. Otherwise, you will know torment and guilt.
Bless you

John
NZ

findinghope06 · Feb 9, 2007

*hugs*
I am so sorry that this happened to you. I honestly dont have much advice to give other than the power of the Lord is bigger than any guilt, shame, regret we feel. He is guiding you and with you loving you just as much as He always has. You can ask forgiveness and ask for healing. Ask for repentence (which means seeing what we have done and turning from it) so pray for the healing and the desire to be strong in what you believe. Ill be praying for you and know there is a God is sees all and knows our hearts. Just turn to Him in this time of need and let His embrace comfort you.

Peace and Love in His name.

Weasel7711 · Feb 9, 2007

Nevara said:
I am desperate for answers... I just need a shoulder right now.

I have spent the past 20 years of my life saving my virginity until marriage. I have done more than that... I have stayed pure in many other areas regarding sexual intimacy. Modesty in clothing, not allowing myself to be touched other than hugging, and short kisses and holding hands.... the whole nine yard. I honestly DESIRE to give my husband my that gift on my wedding night.

But now I can't. I had sex, and I honestly don't know why. He was a virgin too, and is a wonderful christian. I didn't really want to, and I communicated my worries at the time, but for some unknown reason, I didn't do anything. I didn't feel like I wanted to, and I didn't feel like I didn't want to. I was numb. completely. and now I hurt so much inside that I feel as though I am dying. And so does he. I HATE that I can't give that gift to my future husband. I know God's forgiveness is complete, and I have asked for it. But I can't help feeling like I have dishonored my husband because of it. Will my future husband forgive me?? How do I erase that experience from my head? The images, and memory of it? I want it gone. I never really wanted this to begin with. It was like some out of body experience. I didn't feel like I was really there.

How could I desire to obey so strongly, and yet still sin? In Romans Paul talks about doing the things he doesn't want to do, and not being able to do the things he wants to do. I can identify.

Help me. I guess that's all I have to say...
Thank you very much...

Sometimes when we try to do things out of our own strenghth, our selfish nature and Satan win. You have been forgiven by God, and the man that God has for you to marry will forgive you. Do not marry a man who cannot forgive you. If he cannot forgive you for that, you are in for a horrible marriage.

koban4max · Feb 10, 2007

Nevara said:
I am desperate for answers... I just need a shoulder right now.

I have spent the past 20 years of my life saving my virginity until marriage. I have done more than that... I have stayed pure in many other areas regarding sexual intimacy. Modesty in clothing, not allowing myself to be touched other than hugging, and short kisses and holding hands.... the whole nine yard. I honestly DESIRE to give my husband my that gift on my wedding night.

But now I can't. I had sex, and I honestly don't know why. He was a virgin too, and is a wonderful christian. I didn't really want to, and I communicated my worries at the time, but for some unknown reason, I didn't do anything. I didn't feel like I wanted to, and I didn't feel like I didn't want to. I was numb. completely. and now I hurt so much inside that I feel as though I am dying. And so does he. I HATE that I can't give that gift to my future husband. I know God's forgiveness is complete, and I have asked for it. But I can't help feeling like I have dishonored my husband because of it. Will my future husband forgive me?? How do I erase that experience from my head? The images, and memory of it? I want it gone. I never really wanted this to begin with. It was like some out of body experience. I didn't feel like I was really there.

How could I desire to obey so strongly, and yet still sin? In Romans Paul talks about doing the things he doesn't want to do, and not being able to do the things he wants to do. I can identify.

Help me. I guess that's all I have to say...
Thank you very much...

Welcome to LIFE. :clap:

(not in bad way)

bliz · Feb 10, 2007

Will your future husband forgive you? Yes, becasue you will not marry someone who will not.

How did this happen when you did not want it to happen? Partly becasue of the nature of sex. God has made us sexual beings. But it also happened becasue of a whole series of choices you made on that ocassion. You and he were alone somewhere where you could have sex - clearly not sharing a cup of coffee at Starbucks. If there is a line you do not want to cross, you need to stop yourself well before that line in the future.

God does not now love you any less. DRaw closer to Him for the comfort only He can give.

Weasel7711 · Feb 10, 2007

bliz said:
Will your future husband forgive you? Yes, becasue you will not marry someone who will not.

How did this happen when you did not want it to happen? Partly becasue of the nature of sex. God has made us sexual beings. But it also happened becasue of a whole series of choices you made on that ocassion. You and he were alone somewhere where you could have sex - clearly not sharing a cup of coffee at Starbucks. If there is a line you do not want to cross, you need to stop yourself well before that line in the future.

God does not now love you any less. DRaw closer to Him for the comfort only He can give.

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to bliz again.

simmeringabsolute · Feb 10, 2007

Reading your story has an effect on me because you are so modest and had already made it so far. You will be forgiven, but it will cause pain, I think. Remember your current feelings to help you avoid falling again, and in the future flee situations of possible temptation, regardless of how strong you think the other person is.

barefeetonholyground · Feb 10, 2007

Tell the next guy you date upfront. If he doesn't forgive you than it's his loss.

BellaSong · Feb 11, 2007

koban4max said:
Welcome to LIFE. (not in bad way)

What exactly do you mean by that?

Gardener101 · Feb 11, 2007

Seattle Rain said:
Tell the next guy you date upfront. If he doesn't forgive you than it's his loss.

"Forgive her"? Forgive her for what? Did she sin against him? The only forgiveness she needs is from God and I think she already has it.

DaughterofZion63 · Feb 11, 2007

"To the praise of the glory of His grace, which He freely bestowed on us in the Beloved. In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of His grace."
Ephesians 1:6-7

God forgives always. I am sure you know this. I admire your desire to stay completely pure for your husband; I, too, wish I could give that gift to my husband. I hope I don't have to be without that gift, perhaps I will marry the one I lost my virginity to. It was a mistake, but I still love him beyond words. As for your situation, I am sorry you are so beside yourself. God never throws anything at us that we can't handle. He knows we will sin and He knows what will happen to us. How wonderful that He still loves us beyond our comprehension and He still hands us His grace. Everything happens for a reason. Let yourself grow from this, let yourself grow in Christ. You need to forgive yourself. You are a wonderful person. God knows this.

I, even I, am the one who wipes out your transgressions for My own sake, and I will not remember your sins.
Isaiah 43:25

Do not live in guilt, it will not lead you anywhere but backwards. Your sins are FORGIVEN AND FORGOTTEN! Rejoice in the mercy of the Lord and allow yourself to enjoy your life. We all make mistakes because we are human. Now you know the road you do not want to go down, so avoid it and continue your walk with God.

Good luck to you and God bless you!

Annoula · Feb 12, 2007

virginity is nice and good.

but it should not overwhelm our lives.

we all fall and we all can get up.

problems arise when we get stuck to the fall.

eatenbylocusts · Feb 13, 2007

I still regret putting myself in a situation where my virginity was taken from me; and that happened 21 years ago. The knowledge of where it ended up leading me keeps me from repeating that act again outside of marriage.

From what you wrote it's not real clear about the nature of the relationship with the guy. Is this someone you have romantic feelings for? If not, I think you need to figure out why you would just give up your virginity to someone you don't care for in a romantic sense.

Sketcher · Feb 13, 2007

Sexual sin is never really a rational choice (though it still is a choice). You future husband will forgive you, unless he is a fool. Anyone who wouldn't forgive you wouldn't become your future husband. Just forgive yourself and don't medicate this guilt with self-righteousness.

Nevara · Feb 13, 2007

eatenbylocusts said:
I still regret putting myself in a situation where my virginity was taken from me; and that happened 21 years ago. The knowledge of where it ended up leading me keeps me from repeating that act again outside of marriage.

From what you wrote it's not real clear about the nature of the relationship with the guy. Is this someone you have romantic feelings for? If not, I think you need to figure out why you would just give up your virginity to someone you don't care for in a romantic sense.

I have been in a relationship with him for 6 months at this point. So it wasn't just a random person.

Nevara · Feb 13, 2007

I just wanted to thank everyone for replying to my message. You will never know how thankful I am for all of your help. I feel so lost, and I needed some perspective. And now that I have the perspective I need, I feel as though I can finally move on from here.

I have NO desire to have sex again until marriage, and it's been almost a month since it happened. I truly desire to honor God and my future husband with my purity. And with the Lord's forgiveness I can actually do that.

I'm thankful for the suggestions about drawing lines at a coffee shop instead of "alone" types of places. It makes sense to do that, however, it's a little more confusing when it comes to dorm room situations. You want to rent a movie and watch it, and you've been dating this person for 6 months already, so it's not uncommon to spend time alone together. But the only place to watch that movie is sitting on your bed in your dorm room watching your little tv. I am determined to find another way to do that, without compromising my values. If anyone has any ideas, feel free to chime in. Anything helps! It's different when your living room and your bedroom are the same space.

I guess we could just stay out of my dorm room at night hours. Like 7:00 or after. Anybody have experience with this?

Anyhow, thanks for all of your prayers and words of encouragement. It means a lot.

koban4max · Feb 13, 2007

BellaSong said:
What exactly do you mean by that?

This is life. You experience different things in life. I don't encourage sex, but hey that's reality. We don't live in matrix world where everyone is virgin. When you have sex, you would learn how to protect yourself by educating and all that. Look, everyone sins and I don't mean to encourage sin, but that's reality. That's how we grow maturely. If they want to be virgin, that's fine.
Remember, we are not perfect.

I wasn't raped but I didn't want to give my virginity away

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