What do I do with the pain...

Tatyanna · Jan 21, 2007

Missinyou said:
I am not even concidering another mate at this time but in reading the posts of those who have remarried, it made me wonder, did you have a hard time saying "I love you" the first time, to your new mate? I picture a feeling of guilt stopping me in mid sentence. Do any of you have any advice if I should ever meet someone whom I feel comfortable with? And how do I get rid of that picture in my mind of walking out of that room, knowing that it may be the last time I ever hear her tell me that she love me. I'm sure that will pop up as soon as I hear a woman tell me that again. Any advice there?

Hi Missinyou,
I had no intention of ever remarrying...my life was over ...I just wanted to go away and die...I joined a Young Widow's & Widower's Support Group after he had been gone for about 3 months... I was getting ready to leave it about 5 months later when my present husband returned for more support..(his wife had been gone for awhile)... He was contemplating the priesthood or the diaconate in the Catholic Church ..we became friends as I was helping him w/ his plans.... Surprise! God had different plans... We had so much in common...we had a very strong friendship and that lead us to loving each other... He helped me ...I helped him... We sought advice from my grief counselor and from my parish priest... We tried not being together...That didn't work...we loved each other! I prayed to my DDH to help me... I dreamt that he told me ..."I'm giving him to you now go and be happy".... So...I did...my children loved him...my cats loved him and...DDH's family loved him too...
Advice? For you? follow your heart and pray a lot!
God bless and keep you...you are in my prayers...

Missinyou · Jan 22, 2007

Thank you, Tatyanna. I know that God will eventually take me where I'm supposed to go, but in the mean time, I can come up with a hundred difficult situations that trying to build a relationship with another woman might bring on. Some may be real, but I suppose, for the most part, most of them are just games my mind is playing with my feelings to keep me from dealing with it.

I haven't cried in several days, but when I read the part about your DDH telling you in a dream to go and be happy....I glanced at the picture of my wife I have setting by the computer...and the gusher started all over again. I wondered if she is in Heaven thinking that same thing about me? Someday, when she thinks I'm ready, maybe she'll send me somebody. I'm in no rush though.

Tatyanna · Jan 22, 2007

Missinyou said:
Thank you, Tatyanna. I know that God will eventually take me where I'm supposed to go, but in the mean time, I can come up with a hundred difficult situations that trying to build a relationship with another woman might bring on. Some may be real, but I suppose, for the most part, most of them are just games my mind is playing with my feelings to keep me from dealing with it.

I haven't cried in several days, but when I read the part about your DDH telling you in a dream to go and be happy....I glanced at the picture of my wife I have setting by the computer...and the gusher started all over again. I wondered if she is in Heaven thinking that same thing about me? Someday, when she thinks I'm ready, maybe she'll send me somebody. I'm in no rush though.

One day at a time... I'm glad that you cried...tears are cleansing in so many ways... Your wife died in June? Things are so fresh for you...my case is kind of unique I think...Just remember to trust God...He knows what He is doing...

I've got you on my prayer list! :hug:

Argent · Jan 24, 2007

dily4ever said:
I am trying to pack my husband's things now; my aim is to set aside a shelf in our study room to showcase his favourite things and items that belong to our shared memories. But this process hurts so much... when I saw all his items and realise again that he is never going to use or touch them again, my heart is so pained. I can't stop crying now and I really don't know how to continue without him.

Where is God? Why is my heart so painful? There's just this big hole in my heart, in my life... How to continue like that, without him... How?

There is no such thing as "closure". I think we learn to live with the loss. The pain decreases as time passes. So, you can expect days to be better as time passes, but you will have bad monments, and even some bad days, even years later. Grief comes in waves, and often unexpected. As time passes, the waves are less frequent, and less intense. When they come, they will pass, and if the people around you are uncomfortable because your grief has resurfaced,well....that's there problem, not yours. It's also good to keep busy. Do you work? Going back to work was difficult at first, but became a great help in getting my life going again. The restroom stall is also a great place to take refuge when a "grief wave" hits you at work.

If will get easier. I promise.

ComesoonmyLORD · Jan 25, 2007

Missinyou- It will all work itself out. As time passes your emotional stability will increase. I can remember times when I couldn't see tomorrow, I could only look for today. Now I'm looking to the future again. As far as a new relationship goes, just take it slowly, one step at a time. I have someone in my life that I have fallen deeply in love with. I never dreamed it could be so. Neither of us had anything serious in mind when we first met. But God has other plans, for the both of us. The love I have for my Ginger will always be there and my new love understands that, she respects that and she doesn't challenge it. Her love and understanding for me only strengthens it. God is always in control! Press On!

JeanR · Jan 25, 2007

ComesoonmyLord
I'm glad you are back, we have missed you.

I'm happy to hear that you have found someone. Take it slow, though. I have talked to several people who have either moved too quickly or a family member has moved to quickly after a loss of their spouse. Sometimes those relationships were wonderful, but some were not. Just take your time!

I know that I am not ready. Quite frankly, the thought of a new relationship scares the daylights out of me. Terry and I only had each other and we treasured that about our relationship. I have found myself freezing up when a man just wants to give a sympathic hug. I think I would have panic attack if someone asked me out--but then, again, no one seems to be lining up at the door. I don't think there are too many men looking for a middle-aged mother of four.

Missinyou · Jan 26, 2007

JeanR,
I don't think God is going to send us a line at our door...for us to pick and choose. When we hear that knock...we will open the door and there will be only one. I too, have thought about that first date.. I've forgotten how you're supposed to act... Been a long time for me...and I too am more than "just a little" concerned about that first one. How about you, ComesoonmyLord? Did you have to spend a day worrying, or did it just kind of fall into place...and sneak up on you?

Tatyanna · Jan 26, 2007

I just want to share...talk about how I feel today....
I awoke this morning @ 5 as I usually do and thought ..."he died sixteen years ago this morning in about an hour..." Everything came flooding back...(I bought him home to die when there was nothing more that could be done) so he died in my arms...I'm really having a hard time today for some reason....I loved him so...We where married 26 1/2 yeas...he was my first love.... The title of this thread was "What Do I Do With The Pain".... I guess the answer is go w/ it...because it comes....and it goes.....
Thanks for listening.... :groupray:

Terri · Jan 26, 2007

I am so happy for you dily4ever that you are making progress.

Everyday I sit here at the computer in the chair that Jim sat in so much and the chair that he died in. It some how brings me comfort.

I have some open shelves in my kitchen and I have about nine pictures of Jim on them. The pictures aren't even framed, just lying flat on the shelves or propped up against the edge of the shelves so I can see them every time I go into the kitchen. They bring me comfort also.

Can't imagine dating again. It would definitely have to be something that God arranged. I know it's silly, but I actually feel like I would be being disloyal to Jim. Figure I will probably stay single unless God has other plans.

Terri · Jan 26, 2007

Tatyanna said:
I just want to share...talk about how I feel today....
I awoke this morning @ 5 as I usually do and thought ..."he died sixteen years ago this morning in about an hour..." Everything came flooding back...(I bought him home to die when there was nothing more that could be done) so he died in my arms...I'm really having a hard time today for some reason....I loved him so...We where married 26 1/2 yeas...he was my first love.... The title of this thread was "What Do I Do With The Pain".... I guess the answer is go w/ it...because it comes....and it goes.....
Thanks for listening....

Missinyou · Jan 26, 2007

Terri, I too am feeling that way about the possibillity of dating someone new...so I posed that question here on the forum to get other people's views and advice. The ones that answered basically said, take it slow and follow your heart. I feel God sent me one, to which I was married 30 1/2 years, so he may send me another. I just don't want Him to rush it though. I guess I'm being selfish, but I bought a Honda Gold Wing and plan on taking several long trips this summer, and a relationship would just put a crimp in that. Who knows, perhaps the Lord will send someone who likes to ride. Anway, chin up and keep the faith. God will direct you.

Terri · Jan 27, 2007

Jim and I were married 22 1/2 years. We both got kind of a late start in marriage. It was the only marriage for both of us but I was 25 and Jim was 31 when we were married.

Missinyou that is definitely good advice about taking it slow. It will be 2 years in May since Jim's death and the thought of a date still makes me uncomfortable. I have been asked, but have always said I just wasn't ready. People can be kind of harsh sometimes. One fellow told me that Jim was gone and I needed to get over it.

Your trips on your motorcycle sound like fun. I googled it, and it's a cute motorcycle. And I'm sure cuteness of it is the main reason a fellow buys a motorcycle.

Missinyou · Jan 27, 2007

My wife was a cradle robber. She was 28 and I a mere baby at 23...

Her second time and my one and only. I told her not to worry. When she was 105 and I only a 100, no one would notice. I looked older for my age so no one ever questioned it... In fact people were surprised when they discovered the truth.
If I ever find another, I pray it's going to be one of those get aquainted first things, and then perhaps, because of common interests, we would start doing things together. That would do away with that first "asking for a date", which scares me to death... I would want it to be something that draws the two of us together, rather than "let's go out and see how it works out".
My Gold Wing....cute.....??? I guess I never looked at it that way... lol I am not a Harley man... Can't stand that constant thumping and the vibration going down the road. Actually I bought this one because of the dependebility of it and softness of the ride. Everyone tells me they forgot to put the doors on my Cadilac... Yes I do take a ribbing from some I ride with, and it has been referred to as a "big ole rockin chair"...but it's still a lot of fun to ride in mountains on curvie hyways. I'm not a speed demon and always drive the speed limit so that limits those guys I go on trips with.
Anyway, Terri, I still think that when the time is right and you meet the right guy, God will not let you down.
Just follow your heart.
My motorcycle...cute???? lol

Tatyanna · Jan 27, 2007

Terri said:

Thanks, Terri...it means so much when somepne takes the time to listen... It made all the difference 16 yeas ago and it does now...

God bless you! :hug:

Terri · Jan 28, 2007

Please Tatyanna, continue to share with us as much as you want. We sure do enjoy the company.

dily4ever · Jan 29, 2007

Today is the 54th day since my husband died. And the pain seems to get worse instead of better... Every day that we are apart means that I am 1 day closer to meeting him in heaven - this is the only thought that keeps me going.

I am very tired of leading such a meaningless life. I dislike my work - the workload and stress is the same; it's just that there is no one to share the load with me now. I hate having no goal, no future to look forward to. I don't know why I am earning money when there is no more holiday trip to save for, no more need for any retirement fund with my darling... but the irony is that I need money even more now, because when I am old and sick and all alone, I need all the money I can earn now...

This is so painful... I wish I do not have to go through such pain. When I see old couples in church or just walking around, I am very angry at God for denying me the blessing of growing old with my husband... I resent the fact that everyone look so happy; that this world seems to be such a happy place that I feel I have no place in it. This world no longer has any place for me but until God takes me home, my life is suspended...

Missinyou · Jan 29, 2007

dily4ever,
Don't give hope on life just yet... You're young so ask yourself what you husband would want you to do. I too thought we were supposed to grow old together and I've asked that question so many times. Perhaps you should start looking for a new job, but not because you lost your loved one, but because you were probably needing a different career before he passed away. By your remark that everything, employment wise, is the same, it says you've needed a change for a long time. As I said, you are young and the job market is endless. Don't suffer for years doing something you hate, just to one day find that you're too old to do anything else.
Life will get easier, I know. I've suffered through months of grief, but I find positive thoughts being injected in to my life more every day, and sometimes that makes me mad because I like to live with the memories of her. I don't want to turn her loose. She was my life and what right do these other thoughts have, interrupting my memories and making me think that maybe the future isn't all that dark. What right do they have? That's when you really lean on God. Ask him what way to travel. Ask him to lead you to a path away from the sorrow and grief. Put God into everything you do and say, and you will find the tears subsiding a little each day. Yes there will be those times when suddenly they start falling again, but only for a moment, and not forever. Remember, you have friends here on this site and they will help you through.
One thing about bringing Christ into my work place, is that I deal with problems a lot different than before. I have come to realize there are those I can fix, and those I can't fix, and He has shown me how to tell the difference, and I find myself telling my co-workers not to get so upset, do what you can, and let the rest go because there's nothing you could have done to prevent the problem in the first place, and your bitterness, impatience, or frustration can not fix it.
Anyway, chin up dily4ever, and try to look to the future, just as you husband would have wanted you to do.

JeanR · Jan 29, 2007

Dily,
the best thing I did after Terry died was to go for one on one grief counseling. The counselor I am seeing is wonderful and he has helped put things into perspective for me.

One thing I shared with him is that right now I can't pray. I can't even pick up my bible and going to church is so difficult. His reply surprised me. He said this is quite common for christians. He said I am angry with God and God knows that and God is ok with that. This is the time I shouldn't worry about praying or reading my bible, it is the time to let God carry me. The time will come when I have worked through the anger that I will turn back to my daily walk. God is patient and kind. He will walk us through this.

I must admit that I am angry at Terry, too. When I go to the cemetary I just end up yelling at him and calling him a jerk. Who just ups and dies? How can you be laughing with your kids one minute, and the next moment your heart stops beating? I know it doesn't make sense, but you know what?--it's ok. At some point I will be able to go to the cemetery and just tell him I miss him without blaming him for this pain.

There are some days when everything just falls into place and I feel fine. Those days scare me, because I know the fall into the pit is coming. But, the good days are beginning to come more and more.

Hang in there, dily. We love you with all our hearts.

Jean

Tatyanna · Jan 29, 2007

dily4ever said:
Today is the 54th day since my husband died. And the pain seems to get worse instead of better... Every day that we are apart means that I am 1 day closer to meeting him in heaven - this is the only thought that keeps me going.

I am very tired of leading such a meaningless life. I dislike my work - the workload and stress is the same; it's just that there is no one to share the load with me now. I hate having no goal, no future to look forward to. I don't know why I am earning money when there is no more holiday trip to save for, no more need for any retirement fund with my darling... but the irony is that I need money even more now, because when I am old and sick and all alone, I need all the money I can earn now...

This is so painful... I wish I do not have to go through such pain. When I see old couples in church or just walking around, I am very angry at God for denying me the blessing of growing old with my husband... I resent the fact that everyone look so happy; that this world seems to be such a happy place that I feel I have no place in it. This world no longer has any place for me but until God takes me home, my life is suspended...

Ooohhh....sweetheart...I know... I promise you it will get better....Missinyou said it so well.. :hug:

Missinyou said:
dily4ever,
Don't give hope on life just yet... You're young so ask yourself what you husband would want you to do. I too thought we were supposed to grow old together and I've asked that question so many times. Perhaps you should start looking for a new job, but not because you lost your loved one, but because you were probably needing a different career before he passed away. By your remark that everything, employment wise, is the same, it says you've needed a change for a long time. As I said, you are young and the job market is endless. Don't suffer for years doing something you hate, just to one day find that you're too old to do anything else.
Life will get easier, I know. I've suffered through months of grief, but I find positive thoughts being injected in to my life more every day, and sometimes that makes me mad because I like to live with the memories of her. I don't want to turn her loose. She was my life and what right do these other thoughts have, interrupting my memories and making me think that maybe the future isn't all that dark. What right do they have? That's when you really lean on God. Ask him what way to travel. Ask him to lead you to a path away from the sorrow and grief. Put God into everything you do and say, and you will find the tears subsiding a little each day. Yes there will be those times when suddenly they start falling again, but only for a moment, and not forever. Remember, you have friends here on this site and they will help you through.
One thing about bringing Christ into my work place, is that I deal with problems a lot different than before. I have come to realize there are those I can fix, and those I can't fix, and He has shown me how to tell the difference, and I find myself telling my co-workers not to get so upset, do what you can, and let the rest go because there's nothing you could have done to prevent the problem in the first place, and your bitterness, impatience, or frustration can not fix it.
Anyway, chin up dily4ever, and try to look to the future, just as you husband would have wanted you to do.

God bless you my friend... and He truly has...wonderful words.... for me too... :hug:

You are both in my constant prayers... :crossrc:

Tatyanna · Jan 29, 2007

JeanR said:
Dily,
the best thing I did after Terry died was to go for one on one grief counseling. The counselor I am seeing is wonderful and he has helped put things into perspective for me.

One thing I shared with him is that right now I can't pray. I can't even pick up my bible and going to church is so difficult. His reply surprised me. He said this is quite common for christians. He said I am angry with God and God knows that and God is ok with that. This is the time I shouldn't worry about praying or reading my bible, it is the time to let God carry me. The time will come when I have worked through the anger that I will turn back to my daily walk. God is patient and kind. He will walk us through this.

I must admit that I am angry at Terry, too. When I go to the cemetary I just end up yelling at him and calling him a jerk. Who just ups and dies? How can you be laughing with your kids one minute, and the next moment your heart stops beating? I know it doesn't make sense, but you know what?--it's ok. At some point I will be able to go to the cemetery and just tell him I miss him without blaming him for this pain.

There are some days when everything just falls into place and I feel fine. Those days scare me, because I know the fall into the pit is coming. But, the good days are beginning to come more and more.

Hang in there, dily. We love you with all our hearts.

Jean

Beautiful words too...Where were you people when I needed them so long ago???? I still need them too.... :hug:

Praying for you....

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