Re-starting work again tomorrow

The first few days will be tough. I started a new job 2 weeks after Terry died. It was good in that people didn't know my situation, so I didn't feel I was back in a receiving line again. But, it will be exhausting for you. I will keep you in my prayers.

Jean

dily4ever- It's the first sentences of a new story of your life. It's a step that you need to take to help get some sense NORMAL again. It will be difficult in the beginning, but I found it helped me tremendously. You WILL be ok I promise. I know because you've given it all over to Him. Just remember He is always in control. I'm praying for you! Press On!

dily4ever,
It's a good thing, going back to work. I've found that it's the only relief from my memories and the sadness. When I have more than just a couple days off, it gives me time to be around the house, and even though I want to be here, I have time to just think and then the tears start.

The other night I was up way into the night because every time I turned off the lights, the tears started, so I would turn the TV on and then drift in and out of light sleep. I guess exhaustion finally took over.

One thing that helped me was my boss had warned everyone not to ask me if I was doing okay all the time. He told them to only talk about it if I initiated the conversation. I work with three people who have lost spouses in the last couple of years so I'm not alone in my grief, even at work.

We are keeping you in our prayers.

dily4ever said:

Thanks for all your prayers. Starting work again was very difficult... I find it so hard to manage work with missing my husband. On my first day of work, I felt so sad when it was time to go home, because I realised again that my husband would never be able to fetch me home again, and that there was no one waiting at home for me.

Everyone thinks that going back to work would allow me to occupy my time and make things easier for me... but actually it has been worse for me, especially the first week... Now that I have survived the 2nd week, things are slightly better.... I guess working will always be a challenge for me, especially when I can never share my job woes and joys with my husband again...

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That's what I've found to be one of the hard things to deal with too. There's no one to tell how great, or bad, a day you've had. How am I dealing with it. I got a Sirius radio and have it right in the kitchen, right inside the back door. The first thing I do is turn on the Christian Talk channel. It's interesting, and makes noise in the house. Gives me something else to think about rather than no one being there. I hate the silence, but don't really want too many people around either... so the radio fulfills that need for noise. I also keep my bible right on the table too...and read bits and pieces here and there. If I have a particular verse that deals with what I'm feeling at the time...then I go to that one and read it...several times. This is just my way of dealing with the empty house.

I was offered a new position with the state right before Terry died. I was in my final week working at the university when Terry passed. I struggled with whether to take the new position or not. Villanova told me I could keep my old job. It was tempting to stay with the old and familiar. But, the new job paid $10,000 more per year and came with a company car. The position also requires a good bit of traveling. I really felt that the Lord had provided this position at that time for a reason. I am now the sole bread winner and the new position has helped ease the crunch. It was still hard, though.

The thing I struggle with when coming home from work, besides the intense loneliness, is the dark. The dark never bothered me before, but I have bought timers for the lights in the different rooms in my house. I feel more comfortable coming into a house that has lights on.

JeanR, I agree with the issue with the darkness. When Patsy was working long hours at her beauty shop and I was working swing, even though I would leave in the middle of the day I would leave a light on so she wouldn't have to come home to a dark house. Not for safety, but just for that "homey" feeling. Then at the time she passed I was working graveyard so left the house about 10PM and there were lights on because she was home, usually setting on the couch watching me leave. Now I am back on graveyard, but now when I leave the house is dark and it's a lonely reminder of what used to be, and how I wish I could see that face in the picture window, waving and smiling, once again.

My wife passed at the end of 2006. December 30th to be exact. Just this week I went back to work. I was listless and drained and I was unable to perform my job at the level I had previously. I had no interest in being there to be honest. It's hollow and empty to me now. An illness forced me to miss the last two days I was schedualed this week. Since my wife died, my work schedual is no longer conducive to my and my daughters's lives. My entire situation is falling apart down here. Members of my family have told me to relocate to their town and start fresh there. I've started putting in applications up there, but so far nothing has come to fruition. I see that I'm being prepared for some sort of move, but I don't see where I'm going yet. It's very disconcerting.

Redemptionsong,

Take it slow. That is the best advice that people gave me. Everyone liked to tell me what to do--sell my house, move into a condo; make my kids move out since they are in their 20s; don't take a new job that had been offered to be before Terry died. I just know that when Terry first passed, my thoughts and decisions could change in a matter of minutes. And, there are some decisions I made immediately after Terry died that I now regret.

Just take it easy for awhile and don't beat yourself up over things. I started a brand new job 2 weeks after Terry died and the first few weeks I felt so listless. I couldn't concentrate on anything. Fortunately, my new employer was very sympathetic and allowed me to cry when I needed to.

It will be 4 months on the 9th that Terry passed into the Lord's presence. I know that things are still going to be rough for awhile, but they have gotten better. I know this because I can now go to the cemetary and feel some comfort. Before I would just get angry and tell Terry he was a jerk for up and dying like that.

I know my words sound grand, but February 19th is our 30th wedding anniversary and I know that things are going to fall apart.

Redemptionsong said:

My wife passed at the end of 2006. December 30th to be exact. Just this week I went back to work. I was listless and drained and I was unable to perform my job at the level I had previously. I had no interest in being there to be honest. It's hollow and empty to me now. An illness forced me to miss the last two days I was schedualed this week. Since my wife died, my work schedual is no longer conducive to my and my daughters's lives. My entire situation is falling apart down here. Members of my family have told me to relocate to their town and start fresh there. I've started putting in applications up there, but so far nothing has come to fruition. I see that I'm being prepared for some sort of move, but I don't see where I'm going yet. It's very disconcerting.

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I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your wife. That is something we can never prepare ourselves for, but hang in there Redemptionsong. You are new at this thing and there is going to be some hard times ahead, but keep the chin up. Each time you head into the tears, ask God to please give you the strength to make it through one more minute, one more day. That will direct your mind toward Him, and through that direction, he will help you dry the tears.
I would say, by you age, that your daughter is pretty young and she is going to need your strength to lean on and to reassure her that her world did not just come to an end. That's a pretty big job for someone who is suffering so much themselves, but, with God's help you can make it. We all have so far.
You have come to the right place for support, love, and encouragement. I've found the people on here to be the most loving, kind, and understanding people and an invaluable asset at this time of our greatest sorrow. I know that we each are unique in our situation and feelings, but we all have one thing in common, we have all sunk to the farthest reaches of grief and agony, and, through the support of those who have suffered with us, we have started that old, long, lonely road back to some semblance of happiness and normalcy. When you weep, and there is much of that ahead of you, weep in the privacy of your darkness, but for your daughter's sake, show her that her daddy, with a lot of help from God, is going to get them through this. Someday the sunlight will shine in both your worlds again.
Keep the faith and try to find peace in the knowledge that God is leading you somewhere, and when it's time, He will reveal it to you...in some way. It might come with a crash or it might come to you like the breath of an evening breeze, ever so silently and softly, but rest assured Redemptionsong, He will show it to.
May God bless you and bring you comfort in your sorrow,
Missinyou

JeanR said:

Redemptionsong,

Take it slow. That is the best advice that people gave me. Everyone liked to tell me what to do--sell my house, move into a condo; make my kids move out since they are in their 20s; don't take a new job that had been offered to be before Terry died. I just know that when Terry first passed, my thoughts and decisions could change in a matter of minutes. And, there are some decisions I made immediately after Terry died that I now regret.

Just take it easy for awhile and don't beat yourself up over things. I started a brand new job 2 weeks after Terry died and the first few weeks I felt so listless. I couldn't concentrate on anything. Fortunately, my new employer was very sympathetic and allowed me to cry when I needed to.

It will be 4 months on the 9th that Terry passed into the Lord's presence. I know that things are still going to be rough for awhile, but they have gotten better. I know this because I can now go to the cemetary and feel some comfort. Before I would just get angry and tell Terry he was a jerk for up and dying like that.

I know my words sound grand, but February 19th is our 30th wedding anniversary and I know that things are going to fall apart.

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JeanR,
I am glad to hear you are getting better. And you know what...??? I looked at that picture again..and..you're right. I do see a resemblance to Julia Roberts...
Missinyou

lol, Missinyou, you always make my day!

Jean

I appreciate the support you guys are giving me. I'm in a total funk, but God is running major interference for me right now. It helps to stay focused on the Lord and his plan for us. He'll let me know what He wants in His time. I just need to be patient and blameless in action. My girls are holding up better than I am.
I understand about what you mean by the anger Jean. Donna's death was a combination of an illness and an accidental overdose of tylenol. She developed an infection in her pancreas and she took too much tylenol trying to stop the pain. Her liver shut down from the tylenol and her lungs and kidneys shut down from the infection. She'd been really sick for two weeks prior to her death, but she bullheadedly refused to go to the hospital. If Donna didn't want to do something there was no moving her. When I found her dying it was too late. If she had known how sick she was, she would have gone. But we didn't know. I'm still mad she was so stubborn about things.

Redemptionsong,

It is ok to be angry. I went countless time to the cemetary thinking I would find comfort, but would end up yelling at him. I have yelled at him more in death than I ever did in life! But, you need to experience the anger to work through it.

I was especially angry with Terry because he had gone on this crazy diet, under this doctor's care that I think is a nut. He lost 50 pounds in 3 months. I pleaded with him to go off the diet. He was on pills and basically a starvation diet. He would not listen and, in fact, became very hostile.

After he died, my daughter did an internet search on the medicine given to him in the doctor's office (not a prescription) and found that the medicine causes aggression and hostility. Also, he had an irregular heartbeat and the internet said anyone with an irregular heartbeat should not be on the medicine.

I have talked to a lawyer to see about pursuing litigation, but was told that it would be very difficult to link the medicine to his death. His family doctor and heart doctor also said the same thing.

Needless to say, the whole situation is very frustrating. I have gotten to the point, though, of recognizing that Terry's death is in God's timing. His work on earth is done and the Lord took him home.

As a process, this whole thing stinks.

But, Jean, I can see you becoming stronger and stronger each time I read one of your posts. I think the main thing that makes us stronger, other than our belief in God, is helping others through their times of sorrow and grief, and there is a lot of that on this site. We gain strength each time we bring some comfort to another.
As far as the litigation. I believe the Lord is the best judge, and we can rest assured that those responsible, and they know who they are, will be judged in the end, and it is one consolation to know that the judgement He gives them will be more lasting than anything we could dole out here on this earth.
God Bless you,
Missinyou

I am feeling stronger. In fact last week I dreamed for the first time of Terry. I dreamed that he walked into our bedroom and I was so happy to see him. I just accepted that he was alive again. I told him all about the funeral and how beautiful his memorial service was and how I was strugglin with church. I told him I couldn't wait to go to church with him. Then I woke up.

I talked about the dream with my grief counselor and he said that that was a good sign. It meant that my mind was recovering and that I was ready to deal with things. I can tell that I am much stronger than I was.

He also suggested that I redo my bedroom. I really struggle with Terry being gone when I am in our room. You can keep busy during the day, but when you are in your room you just can't escape it. He suggested that I paint our room, get new linens, hang new curtains.

But, right now, I have frozen pipes and I am 7 hours from home. Always something new!

Makes me glad I'm in Oregon... It may not be Florida, or Arizona, but it's still 4o degrees and no snow. Nice thing is that I can drive a half hour and be in all kinds of snow...and I can see it from down here... I was raised in Montana and I came to not like 20-30 below...and moved out here. I see pictures of the east on the news all the time...and decided it's not for me. I will visit in the summer...when it's nice. I know... I'm a pansy...