Read this. Read it VERY well, and then pray for understanding.
Title: NICE GUYS REALLY DO FINISH LAST
Throughout history a well documented gripe has been that nice guys finish last. In our observation of reality TV dating shows (an excellent way to understand the sicker side of dating), we have found that the first guys voted off are nice guys. For centuries nice guys have been saying, I JUST NEED TO TREAT HER LIKE CRAP AND MAYBE THEN SHELL LIKE ME. While we completely understand why a man might resort to this throwing-in-of-the-towel, it is not an entirely correct behaviour modification. So before we make a bad situation worse, lets INVESTIGATE the following hypothesis: she doesnt dislike you because youre nice, she dislikes you because youre too transparent.
The problem with the nice guy isnt that he is too nice; its that hes too fast in giving up his emotions and his heart. For men to have emotions is okay and even normal, but to readily express them is a more feminine trait. Whether this comes from social programming or divine design, it is now status quo. Because of this, women tend to set the emotional tone and rate of emotional disclosure in relationships. If the man is more emotional than the woman, she feels off balance. It seems like overkill because she isnt that emotional yet. When the nice guy takes over the emotional speed control, he can seem rather girly.
In contrast, the bad boy appears attractive to the woman because he doesnt go too fast emotionally, he isnt transparent, and thus he is more manly in her eyes. He never initiates the define the relationship conversation early on in the relationship (or ever, probably) because hes not looking for commitment. And besides, its painfully obvious that she digs him and wants him to commit, because hes allowed her [not convinced her] to fall madly, gushingly in love with him by not drowning her in sentiment. Note that we are not saying that the bad boy is a good thing, only that early on in the relationship he seems to understand what a woman needs. However as the relationship progresses, the bad boy has his own set of issues to deal with. What we will attempt to explore HERE is how to blend the good characteristics of the bad boy with the good characteristics of the nice guy to make a Marriable man. The key is to be more of a bad boy early on and a nice guy as the relationship progresses and the female is ready for more emotion from the male.
One event that is never easy is the three little words scenario. In this scenario the male senses the females level of involvement with him and keeps pace with her. For example, when he is certain that she is dying to say I love you, then and only then does he first say I love you so that he may take the lead at the appropriate time. If he were to say I love you too soon, before she was ready, then he would risk appearing like the nice guy, too emotionally involved too soon. As she moves the emotional meter further and further along the continuum, the conscientious male monitors her levels and performs the delicate dance that allows him to always be leading her emotionally yet only to the extent that she is already there. The big double standard for guys to accept is this:
Guy says I love you before girl is ready = turnoff
Girl says I love you before guy is ready = still in the game
Guys, you can rescue your almost-loved-one with this response: NEVER say it back if shes the fist one to say it. If you think youre never going to feel it, you need to use this opportunity to let her know. But if you do love her, somewhere along the line you missed the signs of her love. Youll need to recreate the event so you can say it first, showing her you are able to read and lead her emotionally. Things will be awkward, but be patient. Cover your tracks with Weve got something special here, lets keep it going, and regroup.
Shell most likely be crushed or at the very least embarrassed with your nonresponse, but shell never have to wonder if you just said it because she said it. Plan a recovery date and unleash the three words of mass destruction.
You need to understand the important fact that the bad in the bad boy isnt what really ultimately attracts the female; the male in the bad boy is what attracts her. The bad boy lacks overly female characteristics, so early on he is an easier place for the female psyche to find what she craves in a man maleness. The nice guys maleness might be hidden behind his feminine side and therefore harder for the female to spot. With a few adjustments to communication and presentation, however, the nice guy can learn to release the varying aspects of his personality at appropriate times, thus intriguing the female more deeply.
Side topic: THE INITIAL ATTRACTION OF THE BAD BOY
The bad boy that girls squirm over typically seems to have a well-defined personality. He has a style all his own. He has a suave confidence that might almost look like arrogance to some, but at least he knows who he is and what he wants. Hes a mans man. Firm, silent, confident. He doesnt smile a lot like a schoolgirl. He doesnt get overly excited or giddy. He doesnt have a bunch of girlfriends who consider him just one of the girls. He has the typically male characteristics that draw the attention of the female. When he picks her up for a date, he isnt standing at attention like a love-struck schoolboy; he is calm and casual, in control. If he offers flowers, they look almost like an afterthought, not a bouquet he spent hours searching for. His understated actions make the female think perhaps hes had so much experience dating that it isnt anything new...and that must mean a lot of girls like him...and therefore he must be quite a catch. Follow the female logic?
Girls yearn for the bad boy because he seems to know more than he is letting on. He doesnt gush over her. He clearly likes her, but hes holding something back, and that is intriguing. He isnt afraid to ask her out or to take her hand or to lead the way. In her estimation he is a real man, and whats most important is that he makes her fell like a real woman. Why? Because he has no female characteristics that compete with her own. Instead he seems to need her to bring the female trait to the relationship. Its a perfect union, each filling in where the other is lacking.
[A study has confirmed that showing emotions is a female characteristic, and that is why when nice guys do overdo it, they come across as too feminine to the female. If she was a lesbian she might dig this, but the point is that she is not and she is looking for a mans man].
It is incorrect to make a blanket statement that women are more emotional than men, but it is correct to say that women SHOW their emotions more than men Anna King, Psychologist from the Vanderbilt University where the study was done.
Feminine gender roles TRADITIONALLY include such attributes as being nurturing, affectionate, warm, and caring, while masculine characteristics are generally the opposite: being aggressive, powerful, and assertive.
WHY NICE GUYS FINISH LAST ON A DATE
Now lets have a look at the nice guy. This is the guy who is all about the girl. He listens intently, he responds appropriately, he talks of his heart and his feelings just as hes been told that girls like. He is transparent and giving of his emotions and his thoughts. He wants to create a bond with the girl that is similar to one she might have with her best friend. He caters to her every need; he even anticipates them. And these things arent bad in themselves, but when it begins to appear that he lives for the attention of the female, she starts to wonder. So early in the relationship and he already seems to think I hung the moon. He obviously doesnt know me, she thinks to herself. Am I his last and only option? His premature and inaccurate estimate of her perfection leaves her suspicious. And when he makes it very clear early on that he adores her, even loves her, the jig is up. The girl can no longer handle the overly emotional and emotive male who seems to be responding like she longs to respond in a healthy relationship. Essentially he takes HER role on himself and rides it like a weary horse. This leaves the girl feeling anything but feminine. Attention men! Women want to feel feminine, and the quickest way to help them feel feminine is to be masculine.
THE BAD BOY VERSUS THE NICE GUY ON A DATE
Nice Guy Extremes: Overly feminine. Talkative too early. More emotional than her. Too loving, too soon. Overly interested. Nervous. Overly emotional.
Bad Boy Extremes: Overly masculine. Silent. Cocky. Checking out the waitress. Disinterested. Unimpressed. Overly physical.
BAD BOYS COME UNSTUCK EVENTUALLY!
[Nice guys are not the only one who can lose women due to emotions.] Later on, if the bad boy were to grow with his mate emotionally, he might find a healthier relationship. Many women beg for their men to be more emotional. At that point, emotions are a good thing and the bad boy needs to learn to give a little. [If he does not, then she could easily dump him]. Both [the bad boy and the nice guy] should move toward a position of BALANCE, understanding the needs of the female and HIS role as a male.
What bad boys (and girls) have learned is that the bad boy extremes win out over the nice guy extremes every time. While the nice guy extremes are less harmful, most women would rather have the bad boy. Any of you ladies who might have been reading this and saying Oh, Id take the nice guy over the bad boy any day, consider this: Are you looking for a man or a lap dog? Seriously, if you want a guy who is at your beck and call, arent you essentially looking for a loyal follower? One who will cater to all your needs? In this kind of position, the female is bound to lead an unbalanced relationship that will turn a nice guy into a quietly ANGRY guy inside. Ahh, bliss.
NOW FOR THE GRAND FINALE: STEPS TOWARD NEVER HEARING AGAIN, Youre a Nice Guy, But...
If you, the male of the relationship, have ever said something like, How come you act more like a man than a girl? then youve just diagnosed yourself as the nice guy. So what do you do now? How do you make sure your next dating adventure doesnt end in friendship alone? Here are SOME steps to help you become less of a nice guy and more of a guy she wants:
1. Dont tell her you love her too early on. Make sure she is dying to hear you say it before you ever do.
2. Dont get too far ahead of her emotionally. Women love a guy who knows how to lead. Guys should define the relationship. When the time comes, say I love you first, and keep the relationship on track, but part of this is knowing your timing. Get too far ahead of her emotionally and you lose.
3. Dont talk more than she does. Sure, girls love a guy who talks with her, but she also likes to be heard, so dont try to compete with her in the area of talking. Always lag a bit behind to keep her guessing.
4. HAVE A LIFE. Guys who suddenly make the girl their entire life are boring. Girls want to see you with your friends, playing sports, working on cars, whatever just have a life so she doesnt feel like she has to support you emotionally. Thats your job for her, not hers for you, early on in the relationship. (Note: as the relationship progresses toward and into marriage, the relationship grows and matures, and all of these things change. But youre making a mistake if you take the relationship there too quickly. That only makes you just another nice guy. We are talking about getting you Marriable, and this puts you in a better position.)
BOTTOMLINE
In review, nice guys are desperate to share too much too soon, and bad boys are desperate to bury their softer side as flawed weakness. Meanwhile, back on the Estrogen Ranch, girls who date bad boys are desperate to believe they can change them, and girls who date nice guys are soon freaked out when the niceys share too much too soon. Reversing these habits and patterns in your dating life will not only increase your Marriability but also help you choose more Marriable people to date.
Sincerely,
Hayley and Michael DiMarco, authors of Marriable Taking the desperate out of dating.
(The DiMarco's are a Christian couple who met online and NEVER kissed or had sexual intimacy until AFTER they were married)
It is like a cartoon and all of the signs are above, below, and all around blinking and flashing telling us, "HEY!! It is right here!!" It just takes men a long time to finally switch from focusing on their needs and what they think their woman needs and truly find the key that unlocks the door they have been pointing out to them all along.
