• The General Mental Health Forum is now a Read Only Forum. As we had two large areas making it difficult for many to find, we decided to combine the Mental Health & the Recovery sections of the forum into Mental Health & Recovery as a whole. Physical Health still remains as it's own area within the entire Recovery area.

    If you are having struggles, need support in a particular area that you aren't finding a specific recovery area forum, you may find the General Struggles forum a great place to post. Any any that is related to emotions, self-esteem, insomnia, anger, relationship dynamics due to mental health and recovery and other issues that don't fit better in another forum would be examples of topics that might go there.

    If you have spiritual issues related to a mental health and recovery issue, please use the Recovery Related Spiritual Advice forum. This forum is designed to be like Christian Advice, only for recovery type of issues. Recovery being like a family in many ways, allows us to support one another together. May you be blessed today and each day.

    Kristen.NewCreation and FreeinChrist

Divorce????

I have a question. What if the couple is getting divorced because one of them became abusive? My mother divorced her husband when I was 15 because he was verbally abusive and he refused to attempt any kind of counselling. Their relationship made our homelife horrible. Most of the time, I wouldn't even bother going home after school. I'd just go to a friend's house or something. In situations like that, is divorce okay? And my mother has remarried since then, to a man who was also divorced (they were divorced simply because they didn't get along. Did my mother commit a sin?
 
Upvote 0
I dont think it is a case of right or wrong, if her husband was abusive and refusing to change or even get help then I am pretty sure God's only reaction to her mom was one of compassion and understanding. He never wants any of his creations to have their identity abused like that day in and day out.
 
Upvote 0

GreenEyedLady

My little Dinky Doo
Jan 15, 2002
2,641
167
Missouri
Visit site
✟4,791.00
Faith
Baptist
1 Corinthians 7:13 _And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him.
14 _For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy.
15 _But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases: but God hath called us to peace.
16 _For what knowest thou, O wife, whether thou shalt save thy husband? or how knowest thou, O man, whether thou shalt save thy wife?


Maybe its possbile...I guess you could pull that out of these verses.
GEL
 
Upvote 0

ZiSunka

It means 'yellow dog'
Jan 16, 2002
17,005
284
✟38,767.00
Faith
Christian
That's a hard one, because you hate to seem mean by saying that divorcing an abusive husband and remarrying is wrong. But Jesus didn't give abuse as an exemption for remarriage. Just sexual immorality.

If he left her, it would be different, because his abusiveness is evidence of unbelief in Christ, but she left him...

I would say, being single is not a curse. Lots of divorced people never remarry and other people never get married. Just because you divorce doesn't mean you HAVE to remarry. Your mom did the right thing in leaving her abusive husband, but she might have done better in the eyes of God by not remarrying.

How's her new marriage doing? Any abuse in that one?
 
Upvote 0
I am in an abusive marriage, and so this issue is obviously very close to my heart.

I dont believe that the bible deals with every instance that happens in marriage - and therefore there is no cut and dry on it. I tend to look at Gods character to find further answers. He gave us common sense for a reason!

There is nothing said in the bible specifically about abusive relationships in marriage. No guidelines for us - therefore we surely have to find the answers for ourselves. Noone should ever ever judge a woman whose husband has been abusive who has divorced and remarried. Doesnt she deserve to be happy, and loved? Wouldnt God want that?

If God would allow remarriage in the circumstance of sexual immorality, which is a form of abuse in itself - then why would he not for the breaking of the marriage vows via abuse??

On a more personal level. If I ever find myself in the situation of being divorced by my husband. I would be desperate if I felt that it would be a sin for me to remarry! How would one cope with that?

 Just a ps .... too many women stay with their abusers because they think thats the right thing to do. Then they end up in a morgue at the hands of their husbands. Personally I think a woman should be allowed to make the choice to leave their abusers, and still remarry, not wait to see if the abuser will leave. Surely being abusive in and of itself is showing that they are not living a godly life????? :cry:
 
Upvote 0

GreenEyedLady

My little Dinky Doo
Jan 15, 2002
2,641
167
Missouri
Visit site
✟4,791.00
Faith
Baptist
elentári-
I am so sorry to hear that you are dealing with abuse at home. Is it possible that he HAS been with someone Ever in the time you both have been together? Think about that. It is possible. Pray and ask God to reveal to you so that you know for sure. You need to know!
I will pray for you...that God will reveal what you need toknow and that God can give you the stregth to do what HE wants you to do.
Please remember this verse always.
1Chronicals 16:11 "seek the Lord and his strength, seek his face continually"
Say that to yourself everyday. That is what is getting me thru all of my troubles.
Bless you sister
GEL
 
Upvote 0

E-beth

Senior Contributor
Feb 6, 2002
7,583
741
Ohio
Visit site
✟20,861.00
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Married
Politics
US-Republican
I think elentari is right...God is a God of LOVE.  I don't see him judging an abused spouse who leaves for her own safety.  I believe that God expects us to work to keep our marriages together, but when one partner breaks the covenant, then the bonds are broken, period.  Sometimes the bond can be put back together, most of the time not.

A husband who abuses his wife is NOT treating his wife as Christ would treat the church.  He is not respecting her, or loving her, or submitting to her. He is wrong, and to be yoked with such a person is not in the best interest of either of them. 

Elentari, if your abuse concerns me.  Please get some help and preserve yourself.  Whether you ever re-marry or not, please take care of YOU.  Sometimes God gives help when you help yourself.  No matter what, God will be there to help you through it all.  Don't allow yourself to be treated as less than you are worth.

 
 
Upvote 0

ZiSunka

It means 'yellow dog'
Jan 16, 2002
17,005
284
✟38,767.00
Faith
Christian
On a more personal level. If I ever find myself in the situation of being divorced by my husband. I would be desperate if I felt that it would be a sin for me to remarry! How would one cope with that?

It is possible to be happy without being married. In fact, as far as I can tell, there are a lot more unhappy married women than unhappy unmarried women in this culture. You don't have to be attached to some guy in order to live a full, godly, rewarding life.

I was divorced 17 years ago and have never remarried. It's not a curse, it's a joy. I have several friends who are divorced for one reason or another and remain unmarried. They are the ones who get a lot of work done for the Lord, and get great joy from that--eternal joy, since the reward for that work comes not only to us now, but in eternity, too. Marriage is just for this earth. You can't take it with you into eternity, so basing your sense of happiness on something fleeting like marriage is unsound.

If the only way you feel loved and important is if a man tells you you are loved and important, you are missing out on the joy of knowing that you are loved and important because God says you are loved and important.
 
Upvote 0

Kiwi

Well-Known Member
Feb 21, 2002
517
16
49
New Zealand
Visit site
✟963.00
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Married
My dad left my mum, according to their church she would also be committing adultery if she remarried, even though she did not do the leaving, this seems stupid to me. He didn't leave for adultery or another woman or anything like that. When my mum wanted to be involved in ministry she couldn't either because of being divorced, needless to say she has just left that church. In fact they even told a dating couple in the church they couldn't be married because he had been divorced, even though the divorce was on the grounds of his wife being unfaithful.
 
Upvote 0
This site stays free and accessible to all because of donations from people like you.
Consider making a one-time or monthly donation. We appreciate your support!
- Dan Doughty and Team Christian Forums
Originally posted by GreenEyedLady
elentári-
I am so sorry to hear that you are dealing with abuse at home. Is it possible that he HAS been with someone Ever in the time you both have been together? Think about that. It is possible. Pray and ask God to reveal to you so that you know for sure. You need to know!
I will pray for you...that God will reveal what you need toknow and that God can give you the stregth to do what HE wants you to do.
Please remember this verse always.
1Chronicals 16:11 "seek the Lord and his strength, seek his face continually"
Say that to yourself everyday. That is what is getting me thru all of my troubles.
Bless you sister
GEL

Nope theres no way he has had an affair. But surely having an affair is not the only way to break a marriage covenant!!!

I dont need to know for sure if he has had an affair - because that isnt the issue here. The issue is the already existing abuse - which i know is never Gods plan for someones life!!

I have no intention of leaving my husband right now. But if I ever feel I need to, then I hope I will have people around me who see GOD, not literalism!!

I think elentari is right...God is a God of LOVE.  I don't see him judging an abused spouse who leaves for her own safety.  I believe that God expects us to work to keep our marriages together, but when one partner breaks the covenant, then the bonds are broken, period.  Sometimes the bond can be put back together, most of the time not.

A husband who abuses his wife is NOT treating his wife as Christ would treat the church.  He is not respecting her, or loving her, or submitting to her. He is wrong, and to be yoked with such a person is not in the best interest of either of them. 

Elentari, if your abuse concerns me.  Please get some help and preserve yourself.  Whether you ever re-marry or not, please take care of YOU.  Sometimes God gives help when you help yourself.  No matter what, God will be there to help you through it all.  Don't allow yourself to be treated as less than you are worth

Thank you so much for your thoughtful and uncondemming response!! You are so right about the bonds being broken by abuse .... I defintely believe that if both partners wish it, God can heal the rifts in a marriage after abuse - but it certainly is a difficult road to follow - and if the abuser is not willing, it will almost certainly never happen.

My husband doesnt hit me anymore, when it got pretty bad, I actually seperated from him for six months until things had calmed down. He hasnt hit me since, but there is still a lot of emotional abuse, and rejection. I have no intention of leaving unless things get worse again. I so want to see God do a miracle in my marriage. I love my husband, you see.

You are right, God is right here with me, no matter what. That is what gets me through!

 

Lambs love .... I agree that one can be happy unmarried. Of course I do. What I am afraid would kill me is not having the choice if a man came along who loved me. Believe me, the single life is often appealing ;) I currently find my worth in God, not a man. I have no other way to live. I know the joy that brings. But still - to believe I could never re-marry. Thats just a cruel way for any abused and divorced woman to live!!! :(

Kiwi - sounds like that church was pretty messed up, imho! :(
 
Upvote 0

ZiSunka

It means 'yellow dog'
Jan 16, 2002
17,005
284
✟38,767.00
Faith
Christian
Originally posted by Kiwi
My dad left my mum, according to their church she would also be committing adultery if she remarried, even though she did not do the leaving, this seems stupid to me. He didn't leave for adultery or another woman or anything like that. When my mum wanted to be involved in ministry she couldn't either because of being divorced, needless to say she has just left that church. In fact they even told a dating couple in the church they couldn't be married because he had been divorced, even though the divorce was on the grounds of his wife being unfaithful.

There are no grounds for throwing someone out of the church, except for immoral behavior--her church wronged her by doing this! Divorce is not immoral--divorce and remarriage without grounds is, but not just divorcing!

Is she going to a different church now? One that is more Biblically based?
 
Upvote 0

carmen

Well-Known Member
Aug 25, 2002
782
1
n.z
Visit site
✟1,462.00
Just thought I would throw in some women out the bible to get you thinking. About the seeds we sow.

Abigail wife of Nabal. 1 Samuel 25. Now Abigail was a women who was married to not quite what I would call a nice chap. She tried to fix her problems her self and dealt with Nabal in the flesh . In the end she ended up being just one of David's six wifes. Her situation in life had improved but she could of had better had she called apon the name of the Lord.

Now look at someone the opposite. Sarah . Now look at Abraham and what he did to her . Put her in a place of adultery by asking her to sleep with those men. and what did she do. She wasn't contenious just agreed and submitted to authority and boy you can imagine what faith she must have been really praying hard to be delivered from that. And God always faithful he came through delivered her and him. And look at the blessings they both had in the end.

Two other women Queen Vashti verses Esther.

Queen Vashti sow seeds of control and doing everything in the flesh.
was sent away even take note her husband had a spirit of great wrath against her because of her control.

And then dear sweet spirited Esther. She had had a hard road obeyed her uncle, obey the kings men and obey the King. And now look at the ending the blessings when she put all of her trust in the Lord to sort out her problems. Now thats faith.
 
Upvote 0
This site stays free and accessible to all because of donations from people like you.
Consider making a one-time or monthly donation. We appreciate your support!
- Dan Doughty and Team Christian Forums

ZiSunka

It means 'yellow dog'
Jan 16, 2002
17,005
284
✟38,767.00
Faith
Christian
With Vashti, she was definitely being abused by her husband. He wanted her to take her clothes off in front of other men! She refused. The book of Esther definitely says that Xerxes was foolish enough to listen to bad advisors who told him to divorce Vashti. Afterward, Xerxes sat around pining away for her.

The problem was that xerxes wanted to look important and powerful in front of his friends. He was so insecure that he, even though he was the king, he still wanted the admiration of people who were of lesser station in the court. Xerxes ruined his own home with his foolishness.

Vashti was not to blame. She did the righteous thing by refusing to pose nude. But she did not divorce xerxes, Xerxes divorced her! She had an unbelieving spouse who asked her to do sin, and she refused. She didn't sumbit out of some fear of being alone. She accepted that standing up for herself could mean that she would be abandoned. She set a boundary and stuck with it. It cost her. But there is no record of her going to Xerxes saying, "Oh please take me back. I'd rather do the unthinkable than be without you."

It's okay to be unmarried. It's not a curse. It's better than being battered around or killed.

I don't understand why women feel they have to be married! :scratch:
 
Upvote 0
Originally posted by lambslove
It's okay to be unmarried. It's not a curse. It's better than being battered around or killed.

I don't understand why women feel they have to be married! :scratch:

Again, being unmarried is not the point - being unable to GET married is what is so hard to deal with.

I really believe that this issue is just to difficult for people to understand unless they have been there themselves. Everyone always wonders ... why dont you just leave. Well there are thousands of reasons not to leave. its just that people outside the situation cant see them.

I dont understand why women cant be more supportive of hurting women :(
 
Upvote 0

ZiSunka

It means 'yellow dog'
Jan 16, 2002
17,005
284
✟38,767.00
Faith
Christian
Originally posted by elentári
Again, being unmarried is not the point - being unable to GET married is what is so hard to deal with.

I really believe that this issue is just to difficult for people to understand unless they have been there themselves. Everyone always wonders ... why dont you just leave. Well there are thousands of reasons not to leave. its just that people outside the situation cant see them.

I dont understand why women cant be more supportive of hurting women :(

I have been there. I've been divorced for 17 years and never remarried.

It's not an evil curse from God, it's a protection. If God allowed divorce under all circumstances, there would be broken marriages, broken hearts, and hurt children in every home. God wants you to take your marriage vows very seriously. You promised to forsake all others and cement only to that spouse as long as you live. It's a protection for families to make them stay together or never remarry.

Men who divorce and remarry tend not to have any meaningful contact with the children from that family within three years after the divorce. Men who don't remarry tend to never lose contact with the children. They make a point to stay close to the kids, because they recognize that these are the only children they are ever going to have. Remarriage allows replacement. The man doesn't need his old family because his new family is filling that need.

Remarriage is an easy out. People divorce thinking that they will find someone else who will be better, and their lives and souls will be fulfilled. Second marriages are almost always less happy and stable than first marriages, even in cases of abuse.

Divorce should be discourged, and remarriage forbidden for those who do not qualify. It's God's way of making us make a go of our marriages, not to abandon them.
 
Upvote 0
This site stays free and accessible to all because of donations from people like you.
Consider making a one-time or monthly donation. We appreciate your support!
- Dan Doughty and Team Christian Forums

ZiSunka

It means 'yellow dog'
Jan 16, 2002
17,005
284
✟38,767.00
Faith
Christian
Originally posted by Living for Him
Marital unfaithfulness. Why wouldn't that be putting anything before your marriage? Making your marriage at the bottom of your to do list? Just curios...

Christ didn't make a provision for divorcing someone who doesn't put his wife first. He didn't say, "...except for the case of a man who doesn't respect his wife."
 
Upvote 0