Christian Jokes

Keep it up guys!!!

------------------
Play skillfully with a great noise.

In the palm of HIS hands always,
Glenn

What was the only animal that didn't enter the ark in pairs???

Worms, they entered in apples!!!!!

[This message has been edited by Georgia Caroline (edited 30 December 2001).]

CHURCH BLOOPERS #1

Some churches are more fun than others.
Believe it or not, these actually appeared in various church bulletins:

1. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and
north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both
ends.

2. Tuesday at 4PM there will be an ice cream social. All
ladies giving milk, come early.

3. Wednesday the ladies liturgy society will meet. Mr.
Johnson will sing, "Put Me In My Little Bed," accompanied by
the pastor.

4. Thursday at 5PM there will be a meeting of the little
mothers club. All ladies wishing to be little mothers
please meet with the pastor in his study.

5. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Johnson to
come forward and lay an egg at the alter.

6. The service will close with "Little Drops Of Water".
One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the
congregation will join in.

7. On Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray
the expenses of the new carpet. All those wishing to do
something on the new carpet, come forward and get a piece of
paper.

8. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every
kind and they may be seen in the church basement on Friday
afternoon.

9. A bean supper will be held on Saturday evening in the
church basement. Music will follow.

10. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce
the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs.
Julius Belzer.

11. Tonights sermon: What is hell? Come early and listen
to our choir practice.

12. For those of you who have children and don't know it,
we have a nursery downstairs.

Bill Gates - Heaven or Hell?

Back to Good Heavens!
Bill Gates died in a car accident and found himself at the Pearly Gates, being sized up by St. Peter.

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before in your case. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."

Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?"

St. Peter said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision."

"Fine, but where should I go first?"

"I'll leave that up to you."

"Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first."

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining, the temperature was perfect. He was very pleased.

"This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is Hell, I really want to see Heaven!"

"Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision.

"Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter.

"Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire."

So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons.

"How's everything going?", he asked Bill.

Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?!???"

"That was a demo," replied St. Peter.

Knock! Knock!

Who's there?

Jesus

Jesus who?

What! You don't know me? I've been standing at your door knocking!

i made it up! I'm a retard!!!

[This message has been edited by Marissa loves Jesus (edited 02 January 2002).]

LOL!!! The car joke is great!!!

A little girl in school who was being taught about the ocean raised her hand and said, "A big fish swallowed Jonah in the ocean."

Her teacher said, "Oh, no, there is no such thing as a big fish that can swallow you."

The little girl said, "When I get to Heaven, I'll ask Jonah."

The teacher said, "How do you know Jonah is in Heaven?"

The girl said, "Well, then, you can ask him!!"

Top Ten Ways You Know You're In a Bad Church


10.The church bus has gun racks.


9. The church staff consists of Senior Pastor, Associate Pastor and Socio-pastor.


8. The Bible they use is the "Dr. Seuss Version."


7. There's an ATM in the lobby.


6. Choir wears leather robes.


5. Worship services are B.Y.O.S. -- "Bring Your Own Snake."


4. No cover charge, but communion is a two-drink minimum.


3. Karaoke Worship Time.


2. Ushers ask, "Smoking or Non-smoking?"


1. The only song the organist knows is "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida."

<font color="26547e"><b>Droobie</font></b>, that was great! The one I didn't get was #1 . . . I'm not familiar with "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida." (sigh)


Here's more:

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
A. Ruthless

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. What was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.

Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.

A family came home from Church where the sermon was on Adam and Eve. The Mother noticed the boy sitting on the bed feeling his ribs. She asked what he was doing.

He said, "I counted these things 3 times now. Mom ! I think I'm having a wife."

Hey Truth, c'mon....we're only keeping a light hearted mood here. Please don't take it the wrong way.

Don't you think God gave us laughter and joy as well? They aren't sickly jokes....just have fun ok?

I see truth's point. Scripture is holy and should be treated with respect. On the other hand, God has a sense of humour too. I don't think he minds if we do have a bit of fun.

I think it's been edited.

I think he is banned

What do you guys think?

what'dhesay?

He started a thread on music and every time i reply a rebuttal on his statements, he seems to delete the whole thread and post again his previous statement.

I think its very unethical.

ok apologies in advance for this one.. its kinda stupid.. oh well here goes..

"Two sausages were dancing in a frying pan on top of a stove in the church's kitchen. One was doing huge backflips while the other one spun around on it's side. The oil was getting really hot and one of the sausages said to the other, 'Geez.. it's getting really hot in here..' The other sausage simply stared at the it and screamed "OH MY GOODNESS!!! A TALKING SAUSAGE!!!!" and then promptly fainted."

LOL!!!
Dont worry Seratoga ,its not stupid ok?

Or is it just that my funny bone is very sensitive?

Its joke bro

Keep it up people!!!

There is a saying:

"Take your relationship with the Lord seriously but yourself not at all"

Peace