I am hurting so badly right now...

kanga22 · Oct 16, 2006

I can not stop violently crying at the moment. I've been needing to get it out for days. Finally, the kids are in school and he is gone for a few weeks, so I can cry for awhile.

My husband got a new job six months ago that keeps him out of the house for weeks at a time. Before that he was laid-off for about a year. We recently declared bankruptcy and my car was reposessed. We have been together for 20 years. We have two young children.

With his current job, we see him once a month for three days. When he came home this last time he told me that he had been depressed since being laid-off. He thinks the answer is to have an affair. His strongest preference is for me to agree to polygamy. When I didn't agree to that he got me to answer all kinds of new questions about my past. Now, he is using that information against me to make it my fault that he wants to find someone else and probably end up leaving me.

I want to handle all this in a Christian and dignified way. But, right now all I want to do is eat chocolate, almonds and wine and have a good cry. Help.

kanga22 · Oct 16, 2006

I should mention that I am a Christian and he is not.

Canuk · Oct 16, 2006

That sucks...I'm not sure what to say other than that I have just prayed for you...

Autumnleaf · Oct 16, 2006

Ask him how having an affair will make his inadequacy to provide for his family okay. Then tell him to put the energy he wants to have an affair with into finding a decent job so he can be more than the 3 day a month husband he is instead of an adulterous deadbeat or you will leave him.

Take what he prides himself as and throw it in his face as him not meeting his own, your, his parent's, whoever he respects, standards. Then throw the pain of a possible divorce and child support at him and see if he changes his tune. Pray alot too. If he is focusing in a bad direction for your marriage change his focus to something else...

kanga22 · Oct 16, 2006

Autumnleaf said:
Ask him how having an affair will make his inadequacy to provide for his family okay. Then tell him to put the energy he wants to have an affair with into finding a decent job so he can be more than the 3 day a month husband he is instead of an adulterous deadbeat or you will leave him.

Take what he prides himself as and throw it in his face as him not meeting his own, your, his parent's, whoever he respects, standards. Then throw the pain of a possible divorce and child support at him and see if he changes his tune. Pray alot too. If he is focusing in a bad direction for your marriage change his focus to something else...

Thank you for the prayers.

Posted by Autumnleaf: "Ask him how having an affair will make his inadequacy to provide for his family okay."

He admits it's the easy and "feel good" thing to do. And I know that he is looking for the validation he doesn't feel in our relationship. Remember I already said that he is depressed. Satan has him convinced that he would rather be dead than not feel that new loving feeling you get with someone new and that it is impossible to have that with me. He is busy convincing himself that our relationship has been really awful for a long time. I suppose it could have been for him, but he didn't let on. I have been happy and content (even with all the money problems we've been dealing with).

One of the things that hurts the most is that we had a great time together (I thought) on this last trip home. I had overwhelming loving feelings for him and he said he felt the same way. Now I think he was just getting me to open up so he could collect amunition.

Right now I have no plan to ask for a divorce. That way he can say it was all my idea. I have no intention of letting him off the hook like that.

Posted by Autumnleaf: "Take what he prides himself as and throw it in his face as him not meeting his own, your, his parent's, whoever he respects, standards"

Nice vengeful idea, but... He doesn't care what anybody thinks. He would be upset if I TOLD his mother what he is doing, but it wouldn't change his behavior.

kanga22 · Oct 17, 2006

Am I stupid to not get myself a divorce lawyer first? What if he gets one and starts the ball rolling? Have I necessarily given him the upper-hand? Wouldn't it be less tramatic for our children if I just kept things the way they are and let the kids believe that everything is fine. I know that they might sense the fact that I am living in a loveless marriage. But, we have never shown public affection for each other, and he already doesn't live here most of the time. If he wants to go along with this for the sake of our children, would I somehow be shooting myself in the foot when it does "officially" end in divorce?

Bridgit · Oct 17, 2006

Kanga, :hug:

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in. Please know that you are in my prayers.

I think that in this situation it is important that you take care of your children. Do you go to church? If you do, I would suggest you go and talk to the pastor or somebody who goes there and in whom you can put your trust. It is important to be able to vent out your feelings to somebody who will be able to comfort you and just be there for you and your children.

Make sure that you spend a lot of time with God in prayers, reading the Bible (alone and with your kids) and if possible, join a Bible study group. You should find the groups that allow you to bring your kids over.

I also think that it is of utmost importance that you appear to your children as a happy, strong and loving person. They depend on you for everything and need to know that they can count on you and be loved by you at all times.

I am divorced for 2 years now and am raising my 3 children. I can see how my moods can affect them and I have endeavored to never let them down and to always be strong, encouraging, happy and loving with them no matter how I feel inside.

Also, I am always talking with them about the Lord, read the Bible with them, go to church with them, go to Bible study with them, share His goodness and love with them, pray with them.

Kanga, God loves you and your family. Keep your eyes on Jesus at all times and choose to ignore any negative thoughts that come to your mind. Declare the victory in Him! Let Him live through you, you will be fine! :hug:

kanga22 · Oct 17, 2006

Thanks Bridgit, I will take your advice. I haven't cried in front of my children or let them know that Daddy and I are having problems. But, I know they sense that Mommy needs some extra hugs and cuddles. My six year old was glued to my lap last night.

I am spending even more time talking with the Lord and reading the Word than I was before. He has also already provided me with some miracles. My head is clear and I feel that I have an understanding and peace about what's going on already. That could only be the Lord working in my life! Also, I got a financial break that I really needed. I know that was God as well.

I'm praying for the Lord to send my Christian friends to rally around me. I'm reaching out to them, and know that God will help me to tell them what I need right now.

I have a church home, but haven't been able to attend for awhile. My husband has made sure that the kids make it very difficult for me to get there. If getting to church is what I need most right now, then I pray that you will provide a way for me to get there Jesus.

Thank you again for your prayers.

kanga22 · Oct 17, 2006

I haven't talked with my husband in a few days. A few minutes ago he called to say he would call again later so we can really talk after the kids are asleep. I was all set to talk with him calmly and figure out how we are going to move forward with our break with as little trauma to the kids as possible, but.... He is still convinced that all of this is my fault and that if I don't feel bad about it, then he sure as hell is going to make me feel bad about it. I, on the other hand, believe that he is just making things up in order to blame me for our problems. Anyone who is reading this; please pray for me that he will choose not to attack me when he calls. That isn't going to get us anywhere, and might cause me to take another mental health day off from work.

kanga22 · Oct 18, 2006

The conversation started out badly. But, when he realized that I was in a rational state of mind, he joined me in that state(of mind). We talked calmly about a future where divorce was eminant, but not necessarily immediate. Then the conversation turned. Amazingly enough, right after we talked about the difference between those who claim Jesus as their Savior and those who don't. By the end of our talk, we had decided to try to reconcile. I didn't expect that! I'm a little fearful that I'm opening my heart only to be hurt again. But fear is not from God. So I will pray for the healing of our marriage and trust that the Lord will provide what I need. God is good.

Bridgit · Oct 18, 2006

Kanga,

That's it. Live by faith in Him, no matter what is thrown at you. Know that He is with you at all times. Be strong in Him.

I am keeping you and your family in my prayers. May God give you comfort, wisdom and a peace that surpasses all understanding! :hug:

Autumnleaf · Oct 19, 2006

kanga22 said:
The conversation started out badly. But, when he realized that I was in a rational state of mind, he joined me in that state(of mind). We talked calmly about a future where divorce was eminant, but not necessarily immediate. Then the conversation turned. Amazingly enough, right after we talked about the difference between those who claim Jesus as their Savior and those who don't. By the end of our talk, we had decided to try to reconcile. I didn't expect that! I'm a little fearful that I'm opening my heart only to be hurt again. But fear is not from God. So I will pray for the healing of our marriage and trust that the Lord will provide what I need. God is good.

Maybe he joined you in the state of grace too. :idea:

kanga22 · Oct 19, 2006

Autumnleaf, I know that the Lord covered us both in a state of grace and made it obvious the second we brought Him into our conversation. God is so good.

Things are still going great between me and my husband. We are trying to repair our relationship and really open up to each other. We love each other and are trying to trust each other fully. I trust the Lord to protect us and help us work through all of this.

Glory to God.

Lfoxx · Oct 19, 2006

kanga22 said:
I can not stop violently crying at the moment. I've been needing to get it out for days. Finally, the kids are in school and he is gone for a few weeks, so I can cry for awhile.

My husband got a new job six months ago that keeps him out of the house for weeks at a time. Before that he was laid-off for about a year. We recently declared bankruptcy and my car was reposessed. We have been together for 20 years. We have two young children.

With his current job, we see him once a month for three days. When he came home this last time he told me that he had been depressed and suicidal since being laid-off. He thinks the answer is to have an affair. His strongest preference is for me to agree to polygamy. When I didn't agree to that he got me to answer all kinds of new questions about my past. Now, he is using that information against me to make it my fault that he wants to find someone else and probably end up leaving me.

I want to handle all this in a Christian and dignified way. But, right now all I want to do is eat chocolate, almonds and wine and have a good cry. Help.

Darling Kanga22 I can feel your pain through your words sweetheart and dont you worry it will be okay. From what youve written your husband sound like he has some issues. He should be coming to you for strength and encouragment after the layoff thats what your wifes for. I dont know the whole situation because I've only read one of your posts but from what I've read it doesnt sound like he is strong in Christ. Have you guys went to curch and been active? Are you both saved? Another thing I must say now dont you start eating to make your troubles go away especially if he's talking about affairs you need to look good for him. I'm sure you are a beautiful lady and you need to treat yourself as so. So put down the chocolate, go for a walk, listen to music pump yourself up. You must love yourself first I struggle with this also. I'm not saying this will fix the problem but it is certainly better than eating chocolate and laying in bed. I know its hard sweetie I know it is. I am coming at you like I would any of my girlfriends take a deep breath and know you are loved.

In Christ,

trojan2000 · Oct 19, 2006

kanga22 said:
The conversation started out badly. But, when he realized that I was in a rational state of mind, he joined me in that state(of mind). We talked calmly about a future where divorce was eminant, but not necessarily immediate. Then the conversation turned. Amazingly enough, right after we talked about the difference between those who claim Jesus as their Savior and those who don't. By the end of our talk, we had decided to try to reconcile. I didn't expect that! I'm a little fearful that I'm opening my heart only to be hurt again. But fear is not from God. So I will pray for the healing of our marriage and trust that the Lord will provide what I need. God is good.

Kanga22-that's great news about your reconciliation!!! Praise the Lord! I believe the road will not be easy but the fact that you are both willing to try to make it work is a great first step.

Deborah6763 · Oct 19, 2006

do you think he might agree for the two of you to go to counseling together? It sounds as if he has some issues that need to be addressed. Bless you for standing by him.

remember the words of Christ to be gentle as a dove and wise as a serpent. Be loving and agreeable, but keep your eyes open. Get yourself surrounded by loving friends if possible.

Blessings to you!

kanga22 · Oct 20, 2006

Thank you for the words of encouragement. We know it will be difficult to get through all of our issues and make things better, but, for the sake of our family we both really want it. First and foremost we want our children to have a better foundation than either of us had. We can't do counsiling because his job keeps him away from home too much. Which is another reason that this process will be difficult. We are able to talk on the phone every single day though. I feel blessed for that compared to military wives who's husbands are across the ocean and in danger everyday.

To be fair, you should know that we both have issues. When this all first hit the fan I drank two bottles of wine and layed in bed watching sad movies crying and feeling sorry for myself. Then I woke up, turned on some rockin music and jumped on my stairclimber.

I don't keep alcohol in my house because I know that I have a weakness for it. I won't buy more anytime soon and I won't drown myself in chocolate either.

Thanks for your concern.

Lfoxx · Oct 20, 2006

You go girl! Sounds like your on the road to progress! I prayed for you last night!

God Bless!

kanga22 · Oct 21, 2006

Some conversations are going better than others. I feel that he is still on the fence about his hope for the survival of our marriage. I'm feeling a lot of pressure to say and do the right things. I know he is developing friendships with other women on myspace.com and doesn't intend to stop. I understand his need to talk to someone too. And, he has promised not to have an affair.... for now.

Expressing what I'm going through, on this board, is so helpful to me. Thank you all for being here. It also helps to know that I'm not alone, and I can even learn about myself and lift myself up while encouraging others. I think I need professional help though. I think my feelings are too much for me to handle on my own, even with God's help.

My husband says that he wants me to express my feelings to him instead of shutting down like I have done for so long. But, when I try to turn to him for help with what I'm feeling, he turns against me. I don't have anyone to talk to. The confusion I feel a lot of the time is debilitating.

Please pray with me that I can find a way to explain to my husband that I need more help dealing with all this. We can not afford it and he doesn't put any stock in the ability of a therapist to actually help a person, but I need something.

Deborah6763 · Oct 21, 2006

A Christian counselor can be invaluable in helping you sort out your feelings and get on track. Be careful in selecting one, and remember that you can visit 2 or 3 if you need/want to in order to be sure you "click" with them. Make sure yoru spiritula beliefs are in line with each other in order to get the maximum benefit from a counselor.

God bless!

I am hurting so badly right now...

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