Christian Jokes

There was a tradesman, a painter called Jacque who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often would thin down paint to make it go a little bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually a diocese decided to do a big restoration job on the painting of one of their biggest churches. Jacque put in a bid and, because his price was so low, he got the job. And so he set to erecting the trestles and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with the turpentine. Well, Jacque was up on the scaffolding, painting away. The job was nearly completed when, suddenly, there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky seemed to open and the rain poured down, washing the thinned paint from all over the church. Suddenly a bolt of lightning struck and knocked Jacque for a loop. He flew from the scaffold landing, landing on the lawn, amongst the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint. Jacque was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried: "O God! Forgive me for all the wrong I have done! What should I do?" And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke.... "Repaint! And thin no more!"

LOL!

Good ones.

How many Atheists does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. But they are still in darkness.

How many evangelicals does it take to change a light bulb?
Evangelicals do not change light bulbs. They simply read out the instructions and hope the light bulb will decide to change itself.

How many Pentecostals does it take to change a light bulb?
10, one to change it and 9 others to pray against the spirit of darkness.

How many charismatics does it take to change a lightbulb?
Twenty one, one to change it, and twenty to share the experience!

How many conservative Anglicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
Three. One to change it and two to storm out in protest if the person changing it is a woman!

How many worship leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
1 - he just holds it in the socket and the rest of the world revolves around him.

How many TV evangelists does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. But for the message of hope to continue to go forth, send in your donation today.

There is a truck driver driving along, and he stops and picks up a priest to give him a ride.

He's driving down the highway and he sees a lawyer along the side of the road and thinks, "Hot damn! A lawyer that I could run over!" So he speeds up and heads straight for him.

At the last second he remembers the priest with him. So he swerves real quick to miss him, but still hears a thump. He looks behind, no sign of the lawyer.

He says to the priest "Wow, that was a close one, I almost hit that lawyer!"

The priest then replies "That's ok son, I got him with my door."

One day in heaven, satan challenged Jesus to a competition of who could write the best computer program. So away they both went, typing away... But just as time was up to finish the challenge, a bolt of lightning struck the main power, and both computers went dead...

"Oh no" cried the devil "All my work is gone!"

But Jesus turned the computer back on and kept on going and completed the program.

"But how could this be?" asked satan...

"Ahh.. don't you know" replied God. "Jesus saves"

Ha ha ha ha...
LOL

On the 1st day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: Windows 95 for my PC

On the 2nd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 2 GPFs, and Windows 95
for my PC

On the 3rd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 3 ports not responding,
2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 4th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 4 sectors bad, 3 ports
not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 5th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 5 eighty six, 4 sectors
bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 6th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 6 ints conflictin', 5
eighty six, 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my
PC

On the 7th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 7 files missin', 6 ints
conflictin', 5 eighty six, 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and
Windows 95 for my PC

On the 8th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 8 Megs overflowin', 7
files missin', 6 ints conflictin', 5 eighty six, 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not
responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 9th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 9 apps a crashin', 8
Megs overflowin', 7 files missin', 6 ints conflictin', 5 eighty six, 4 sectors bad,
3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 10th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 10 modes not
supported, 9 apps a crashin', 8 Megs overflowin', 7 files missin', 6 ints
conflictin', 5 eighty six, 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and
Windows 95 for my PC

On the 11th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 11 instructions
faulty, 10 modes not supported, 9 apps a crashin', 8 Megs overflowin', 7 files
missin', 6 ints conflictin', 5 eighty six, 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding,
2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 12th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 12 sound cards silent,
11 instructions faulty, 10 modes not supported, 9 apps a crashin', 8 Megs
overflowin', 7 files missin', 6 ints conflictin', 5 eighty six, 4 sectors bad,
3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC!

WEB ADDICTION HOLIDAY SING ALONG!

(Sung to the tune of "Winter Wonderland")

Doorbell rings, I'm not list'nin',
From my mouth, drool is glist'nin',
I'm happy -- although
My boss let me go --
Happily addicted to the Web.
All night long, I sit clicking,
Unaware time is ticking,
There's beard on my cheek,
Same clothes for a week,
Happily addicted to the Web!

Friends come by; they shake me, Saying, "Yo, man!
Don't you know tonight's the senior prom?"
With a listless shrug, I mutter "No, man;
I just discovered laugh-a-lot-dot-com!"
I don't phone, don't send faxes,
Don't go out, don't pay taxes,
Who cares if someday
They drag me away?
I'm happily addicted to the Web!

Happ-ilyyyyy, ad-dict-eeeed to the Weeeeeb!!! (Yeah!)

Who is the father of paul?
Answer: one of the men beside Jesus when He was on the cross.
Proof: Paul said: "My old man died with Christ"

LOL!

There was a young preacher who was running late to a church service he had to preach at. So in other words, he was speeding. Out of the nowhere, a police car puts the lights on, and tells the preacher to pull over. When he pulls over, the policeman goes and talks to him, asking him several questions. He asked who he was and if he knew if he was actually speeding. The man replied that he was a preacher and he was crossing the highways and biways to Preach the Word of God! The policeman then glanced back and saw that there were some bottles in the back seat. He asked about them, and the man told him that they were filled with Holy Water. The police then got one of the bottles and smelled it, and said "Sir, this is not holy water, this is liquor." Then the preacher said, "Oh my Lord has done it again! He has turned my water into wine!"