Getting tired of your SO...

alwayz_remember_Calvery · Aug 28, 2006

I posted this in the courting couples forum, but I wanted opinions from people who are married too. Mods, if you don't want this here and feel like it should be moved, that's fine. Anyway, here's what i posted

I love my bf, i really do and i enjoy spending time with him. He's a sweetheart and he really cares for me. At the same time, he drives me crazy if i'm around him to long.
For example, i'm currently at college and he hasn't started school yet. So, on Friday he came down to visit and left earlier today. He drove 2.5 hours to see me, he took me out to eat, on saturday we drove down to a water amusement park and spent some time there (until it started to rain), and then came back and watched TV. I could handle being around him all of friday and most of saturday, but by saturday night i was just getting tired of feeling like a baby sitter. I felt trapped. I was sad when he left, but at the same time i was ready for him to go.
Some times i feel like it's just because I don't like being around people all the time. I like my "me" time.
Other times i feel like it's because he needs to grow up a little. He's 2 years younger than me, but at the same time he's more mature than most people i know my age. Then again, he gets his feelings hurt VERY easily and it makes me crazy. For example, he's much bigger than me, i'm about 5'2" and he's close to 6'1". So, when he wants to tickle me, he can very easily hold me down with one hand and tickle me with the other. For a while i'm ok with it, but it doesn't take long for me to get annoyed with it. When he realizes that i'm no longer having fun, he'll stop right away and tell me he's sorry. I understand that he can't tell when it goes from being fun to being annoying and i'm not angry with him for it, but he freaks out on me and will almost start crying. When it happened yesterday he told me that his self-esteem was practically non-existant and that i needed to do something to make it better. Part of me was annoyed beyond belief because I don't think it's my responsability to make sure he has a good self-esteem. I'm not going to go around tearing him down and degrading him and actively try to destroy his self-esteem, but i also don't think he should depend on me to have a descent self-esteem. Am i wrong?
He also likes people, he likes being around them and HATES being alone. I, on the other hand, don't particularly care for being around people. I like my alone time. So when we're together, he always has to be right beside me. Hugging me, or cuddling while watching TV and i can handle it for a while, but by late saturday i was getting aggrivated by his touch. I went to bed early just so i could be by myself for a while. When i woke up on Sunday i was better, but i got annoyed by his touch pretty quickly. It's like i have a 'touching limit' and once i reach that limit i can't handle being around people.

Is this normal? Does anyone else ever feel like this?

I do love my boyfriend and when the timing is right i would like to marry him, but not if i'm always going to be drawing away from his touch. It's not fair to him or me. Neither of us will be happy.

Someone posted that if i couldn't take being around him for 3 days then we have a problem.
During the summer, when i was hope from college, we spent almost every day together. We couldn't spend all day together because of jobs and stuff like that, but we'd see each other for a few hours at least. We had fun and i never got tired of him. But, when he's down at school, he's always around unless one of us is in the bathroom, we're together. He slept on the floor in my room, so when i would go to bed, he'd be there, when i'd wake up, he'd still be there.
I'll admit that maybe i'm just being selfish and want to do other things with my time or occassion.

*sigh...* i don't know

J20 · Aug 28, 2006

You are both very young at the momement, and you are both growing and changing, he being a bloke probably still has a lot of growing upto do. The change in male attitudes and behaviour from 18-21 tend to be fairly major. At the moment he seems rather immature and lacking confidence, that will probably change as he gets older. He may be the one for you he may not be but I think you need to wait until he grows up a bit, if you can be that patient.

One piece of advice I would give is to try explaining to him very slowly that yes of course you love him, but you do find somethings difficult in the way that he treats you. As for his self esteem and you needing to do something to give it a boost, tell him he needs to work on his own self esteem, I would also suggest you tell him that he has a wonderful girlfriend isn't that enough.

MERCY@GRACE · Aug 28, 2006

Honestly, while I was dating my hubby...or any serious bf for that matter.....I never grew tired of him(them). It doesn't sound like you are considering this guy for marriage? If so..you are in trouble. That type of 'annoyance' usually comes after marriage LOL. Not so much consistent annoyances but intermitent ones where you desire a break from one another every now and again....that is NATURAL for married couples! If you are tiring of him, and he's only seeing you on the weekends....then maybe you should be single?!

felinity · Aug 28, 2006

J20 said:
You are both very young at the momement, and you are both growing and changing, he being a bloke probably still has a lot of growing upto do. The change in male attitudes and behaviour from 18-21 tend to be fairly major. At the moment he seems rather immature and lacking confidence, that will probably change as he gets older. He may be the one for you he may not be but I think you need to wait until he grows up a bit, if you can be that patient.

I very much agree with this!

ksbriscoe · Aug 28, 2006

I have learned what bothers you now will only drive you crazy when you get married. You either need to his "faults" and love him because of them and realize that they are a part of him or not. My husband did a LOT of things that bugged me when we were first together. I was more like your boyfriend and loved being about people and he... well doesn't really like people. Anyway I had to come to a point where I was either going to accept that part of his personality or move on because I knew that wasn't going to change. Plus God made me realize that I'm not perfect either, but that he loves me for all my "faults" as well.

BigNorsk · Aug 28, 2006

Sounds real normal to me.

As we learn the other person we can change our behavior, but it doesn't usually happen all at once.

Take his tickling you, you don't mind it, untill it goes on too long, he should eventually learn about how much you like it and stop before you get displeased, it just takes learning.

He's young, you're young, and you both have a lifetime to grow. One of the hardest things is to understand that others make mistakes, and to accept that without promoting that. But you two sound to me like you are doing just fine for now.

Marv

LynnMcG · Aug 28, 2006

Really BigNorsk? This sounds normal to you? I'm torn.

I remember not being able to get enough of my DH before we were married. I mean, I remember being annoyed that he showed up at the house at 6 a.m. while I was trying to get ready for work. But really, I loved seeing his face first thing in the morning too.

My Dh is out of work right now. So we're together all the time. I still don't mind.

A touching limit...I get like that after having the kids touch me all day. It's like, I feel overwhelmed from being needed all the time. But I don't feel this way about my DH. Maybe it's the immaturity factor with your boyfriend though. If you feel as though you're caring for him all the time, that he constantly needs you. Then I can understand you feeling overwhelmed.

Hmmm, I would pray about this. Alone!

ANGELMOMKaren · Aug 28, 2006

alwayz_remember_Calvery said:
I posted this in the courting couples forum, but I wanted opinions from people who are married too. Mods, if you don't want this here and feel like it should be moved, that's fine. Anyway, here's what i posted

I love my bf, i really do and i enjoy spending time with him. He's a sweetheart and he really cares for me. At the same time, he drives me crazy if i'm around him to long.
For example, i'm currently at college and he hasn't started school yet. So, on Friday he came down to visit and left earlier today. He drove 2.5 hours to see me, he took me out to eat, on saturday we drove down to a water amusement park and spent some time there (until it started to rain), and then came back and watched TV. I could handle being around him all of friday and most of saturday, but by saturday night i was just getting tired of feeling like a baby sitter. I felt trapped. I was sad when he left, but at the same time i was ready for him to go.
Some times i feel like it's just because I don't like being around people all the time. I like my "me" time.
Other times i feel like it's because he needs to grow up a little. He's 2 years younger than me, but at the same time he's more mature than most people i know my age. Then again, he gets his feelings hurt VERY easily and it makes me crazy. For example, he's much bigger than me, i'm about 5'2" and he's close to 6'1". So, when he wants to tickle me, he can very easily hold me down with one hand and tickle me with the other. For a while i'm ok with it, but it doesn't take long for me to get annoyed with it. When he realizes that i'm no longer having fun, he'll stop right away and tell me he's sorry. I understand that he can't tell when it goes from being fun to being annoying and i'm not angry with him for it, but he freaks out on me and will almost start crying. When it happened yesterday he told me that his self-esteem was practically non-existant and that i needed to do something to make it better. Part of me was annoyed beyond belief because I don't think it's my responsability to make sure he has a good self-esteem. I'm not going to go around tearing him down and degrading him and actively try to destroy his self-esteem, but i also don't think he should depend on me to have a descent self-esteem. Am i wrong?
He also likes people, he likes being around them and HATES being alone. I, on the other hand, don't particularly care for being around people. I like my alone time. So when we're together, he always has to be right beside me. Hugging me, or cuddling while watching TV and i can handle it for a while, but by late saturday i was getting aggrivated by his touch. I went to bed early just so i could be by myself for a while. When i woke up on Sunday i was better, but i got annoyed by his touch pretty quickly. It's like i have a 'touching limit' and once i reach that limit i can't handle being around people.

Is this normal? Does anyone else ever feel like this?

I do love my boyfriend and when the timing is right i would like to marry him, but not if i'm always going to be drawing away from his touch. It's not fair to him or me. Neither of us will be happy.

Someone posted that if i couldn't take being around him for 3 days then we have a problem.
During the summer, when i was hope from college, we spent almost every day together. We couldn't spend all day together because of jobs and stuff like that, but we'd see each other for a few hours at least. We had fun and i never got tired of him. But, when he's down at school, he's always around unless one of us is in the bathroom, we're together. He slept on the floor in my room, so when i would go to bed, he'd be there, when i'd wake up, he'd still be there.
I'll admit that maybe i'm just being selfish and want to do other things with my time or occassion.

*sigh...* i don't know

Hi, my 2 cents is this- You sound alot like me as far as the "me" time. I married my highschool sweetheart and we change as we grow older, why you find, you might not like now? you may love as you grow older. Marriage is both give and take. i suggest that you wait a little longer before you make this giant step. he really sounds like a nice young man but if he is annoying you now??? oh boy... Sometime all my husband has to do is walk across the floor and he annoys me!!! lol, Its selfish of me but true. You just have to figure out what is important to you in a relationship... I have found that over the years the good outway the bad and i would never change who I am with today for anything!!
Good luck and take your time. if he loves you like Im sure that he does, he will wait until the time is right for you.

plum · Aug 28, 2006

perhaps part of this really has to do with you being an introvert and him being an extrovert? i'm not married so maybe i should have answered in the CC forum. just wanted to put this out there though....

AutumnDreamer · Aug 28, 2006

alwayz_remember_Calvery said:
But, when he's down at school, he's always around unless one of us is in the bathroom, we're together. He slept on the floor in my room, so when i would go to bed, he'd be there, when i'd wake up, he'd still be there.
I'll admit that maybe i'm just being selfish and want to do other things with my time or occassion.

*sigh...* i don't know

If this bothers you then you will not like being married, at least not to him. I have been married for almost 12 years and my husband and I never get sick of being around each other. I can't wait until he gets laid off for the winter so we can spend all that time together.

JulySheMustFly · Aug 28, 2006

Can't say it is normal. I mean when you marry a person you are commiting to spending your entire life with that one specific person. Of course every waking hour is not typically spend with them. Jobs and all that, but goodness sounds like you would be grumpy with him before the end of a week long honeymoon. That isn't good for longevity.

dallasapple · Aug 28, 2006

You need to get it worked out now. Sounds like his primary need is to spend "time" together.Is he touchy feely too?

You are not wrong and neither is he. But if he "needs' to be around you that much and cant understand you dont(takes it personally) that is a bad sign.

Im like you and my husband of 18 years is like your BF. It has caused MANY problems.

But NO there is nothing wrong with you for not needing to feed off another person to feel whole.

I have begged my husband before to "get a hobby" or make some "friends' but allllll he wants is to be around me.So I live with guilt that I dont feel the same way.Even though I love him. I feel like I did something wrong by not needing him to feel alive.

Its a hard position to be in. Knowing that you are the only thing someone lives for. And you need to "get away " from that very person. Or else you are suffocated and resentfull.

Its like having an infant.But its a grown man.

Blessings

Dallas

InTheFlame · Aug 28, 2006

I would tend to say that:
- It's fairly normal, AND
- You two need to work some stuff out BEFORE getting engaged.

It's fairly normal because some people thrive on being around other people (they're commonly called 'extroverts') and some thrive on having alone time (commonly called 'introverts'). It's not so much whether you're sociable or not, but what you do when you're out of energy - do you curl up with a good book and shut out the world for a couple of hours, or call up a few mates and invite them over?

I'm really concerned about his over-reactions and his idea that YOU need to fix his self-esteem. Nope... he needs healing from God, not you. You'll never be able to fix him.

Some books that I think might help:
- Boundaries in Dating (Drs Cloud and Townsend)... this goes through a number of things that people need to consider in dating relationships, and working out who they'll marry.
- Something by Max Lucado, for your boyfriend (if he'll read it). When God Whispers Your Name might be a good one. Max's books are fantastic when it comes to encouraging someone to see the loving side of God.

I'd also recommend that the two of you do an internet personality test... one of the really in-depth ones that give you a four-part personality profile. I think that'd help the two of you see your differences more concretely, and start talking about them usefully. Differences aren't necessarily bad, if they're understood! Does anyone have a link to a good personality test?

javan · Aug 28, 2006

i'm not married but i've been in enough relationships to know sometimes people are incompatible. i had this ex-boyfriend who constantly wanted to sit at the computer and work on stuff and play games on the computer, then go quietly read by himself for hours. after a while we didn't even like the same music anymore in a deep way. it was horrible! after seven months of dating we'd sit at a dinner, just he and i, dead locked, having nothing to say, the uncomfortable kind of silence. we were like, what are we doing?! we don't match! i was always bored, wanting to go outside and go hiking or thow the baseball around or go swimming or surfing, and he's just sit there reading or at his computer. we'd watch movies together but that wasn't real converstion, you know what i mean? we are still really good friends and he is married now, to a girl that matches his personality. campoaring you all to what i just shared, sounds to me it is possible you all have a compatibility problem, but it is borderline, it also may be you all just need to accept each other's weaknesses and grow together, learning each other which comes with all relationships. i suggest the two of you go together to see a counselor now, before you waste too much time dating each other. i once wasted four years in a dating relationship that went no where. the waste in it was sickening in hindsight. remember, my married friend once told me, whatever you have now, good and bad, will be exponentially multiplied when you get married. good luck!

alwayz_remember_Calvery · Aug 28, 2006

When we're out doing something, i don't notice myself getting annoyed by him. If I notice that i'm getting a little edgy, but then we go out and do something, i get better.
Maybe it's that we spent a lot of time just watching TV and movies. When we did get out of the room (movies, amusement park, flea market), we had a lot of fun and i don't get bothered by things as easily.
Hmmm....more to the mystery

theend0218 · Aug 29, 2006

Many good responses.

There is a difference between enjoying someone during activities and actually enjoying another person's company. I know people that I enjoy for a time while participating in something we mutually like, but I could not live with them, share too much of my personal space with them, or have them needing "me" to just be with them.

A marriage relationship can exist on many levels, but you need to make sure you are both going to want the same level much of the time or it is going to result in many unmet expectations. Expectations are often seeds that grow into resentments when unmet. Does this make sense?

Jehane · Aug 29, 2006

If you are going to have a relationship with someone who is intrinsically so different to yourself you are going to have to have very clear lines of communication. I get 'peopled out' very quickly. I burn a lot of mental energy dealing with people & particularly when I had a lot of small children would reach a point when if one other person 'touched' me I was ready to lash out. I have learnt to say, 'I'm no longer coping; I need time out; Don't touch me just now' & my dh has learnt to respect that - if only because the consequences for ignoring me are so unpleasant. Family life is not vey conducive to 'me' time, something you need to seriously consider prior to marriage as the scriptual injunction is very clear; we are no longer our own & we are not to live unto ourselves. Dying to oneself is very hard even when two people are extremely compatable, but even harder when 2 very different personalities attempt to live compatibly together.

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