Need Opinions

eatenbylocusts · Aug 2, 2006

Here's the scenario: Guy calls girl early afternoon and asks if she would like to get together later that day. Girl says yes and suggests going to sports store that he likes so that camping equipment can be purchased for her son's upcoming camp and suggests a walk near said store since both want to get some exercise. Both parties have appts at 2:30 and his may take quite a while since it is a Dr. appt where he had to wait 2 hours before. By 6 pm girl is wondering what is going on and leaves a message on his cell asking him to call. By 6:30 or so girl is ticked and leaves a second message asking guy to let her know what is going on. After 7 guy calls back. Girl asks if everything is ok. Guy says he decided that he couldn't afford the gas to come down (we're about 30 miles apart). Guy says he got out of appt at 5:30. Girl says she should've received a phone call when he decided he wasn't going to come. Guy says he's calling now. Girl says they had tentative plans, he says no because they never set a time.
Guy was supposed to come down Fri possibly and spend night with girl's family so they could get to a relationship seminar early Sat. Guy will not acknowledge that he did anything wrong and girl is wondering if they should even be going to seminar together at this point because she can't tolerate this.
I had just sat down to dinner when he called me. He refuses to admit that he did anything wrong and I suggested that most people would see it differently. At that he started raising his voice saying he didn't care what other people thought. I told him I was going to eat dinner with my family and we could talk later if he wanted. I'm not sure what I'm going to say when I talk to him, but a break up is a possibility. Actually we are not in a committed dating relationship at this time, but marriage was still supposed to be a possibility. Given the scenario-is there any possibility that he is right?

FlatpickingJD · Aug 2, 2006

There is a possibility that he was right. However, in my opinion, common courtesy would seem to dictate that he'd call and let you know that he wasn't going to be able to make it, regardless of whether you had firm, tentative or suggested plans to get together.

mwb · Aug 2, 2006

Guy had between 5:30 & 7 to get in touch with you. Sounds like he dropped the ball on this one. Even though you didn't schedule a time, after 7 is a little late to fit all your plans into one evening.

Blank123 · Aug 3, 2006

I obviously don't know the full situation so I'm kinda hesitant to even comment. so take what I say with a grain of salt :angel:

he certainly wasn't being very considerate of you, it would have taken a few minutes to call you back to let you know he changed his mind, and I can certainly understand why you'd be upset over that. but whether that alone is enough to break up over, I don't really see it, heh - unless this is a very common thing you see from him.

I dunno I think its fairly common for guys and girls to be pigheaded about stupid things like that and refuse to admit when they might be wrong (I know I can be like that sometimes :doh:

) but if he's someone you can see possibly marrying at some point down the road, could this be something you can forgive anyway?

like I said I don't know the full situation so my comments may not hold much weight, and its just a thought; take it or leave it

Princess Pea · Aug 3, 2006

Would this be the same guy who sat in his car in front of your house and checked his eharmony account after a date with you? If your relationship can survive that incident it can probably survive this one, as long as you're both willing.

Irascible · Aug 3, 2006

If you're dating just for giggles then whatever. Take him or leave him, it doesn't matter because there's nothing serious.

But if you're dating to ultimately get married, do you want to be married to a guy that just isn't that into you? People tend to put on a good face during early stages of courtship. But they always reveal who they are in small ways. Every woman that ever married a bum was given warnings during dating and chose to ignore them. The whole "everything changed after we got married" line is a lie.

Whatever bad he reveals now will be there later and usually in larger amounts. You can't fix him and he will most certainly not fix himself.

~HopeFloats~ · Aug 3, 2006

I agree with Ras-- people only act the way you allow them too-- people only treat you the way you allow them too.

Sounds like this guys is just in it for giggles and not really "in" it.

and teh comment about thsi being the same guy who checked his eharmony account outside before a date-- Now there is TACT!

This goes for both men and women-- see the signs of a bad relationship before it happens..

I find myself taking more close attention to stuff like this, ones integrity, ones interpersonal skills and how they treat me-- both parties deserve 100% respect and things like not calling, standing up-- still on a dating site is all signs of lightening striking!

I mean checking ones dating profile is like taking a call from a chick on your cell during a date..

eatenbylocusts · Aug 3, 2006

Yes, Princess this is the same guy. The reason I was considering breaking up was because in the short conversation we had I wasn't hearing him acknowledge that there was even an issue.
We talked/argued more than 5 hours last night and he is now working after getting 2 hours of sleep. After an hour he finally said he was sorry that I waited for him, but he can't understand why. He says he was viewing an apt and he left his cell in his car. However; he went home and watched the news before calling me back. Most of our conversations he's in his car since he usually calls me when he leaves work so I still don't get why he didn't call me when he got back into his car unless he didn't want to talk to me until he decided for sure if he was coming.
Irascible-You are right. This is something that I will tuck away to consider. You know I don't date for fun. Even though we're not ready to be engaged I wish we could start attending the same type of classes I started with my ex-bf. We are attending a seminar Sat, but even though it's addressing romantic relationships, it's not just for couples so I don't know if it's going to address the issues we're having.
One of the things that I have valued about him is that he's very consistent in calling me. He's usually calling me as soon as he steps out of the doors at work. But then there are these "miscommunications" about plans that have happened a few times. It seems so clear to me-I don't understand how his words could be taken any other way. English is his first language, but I had better communication in this area with my native Spanish-speaking ex-h even though I don't speak Spanish that well.

mwb · Aug 3, 2006

I was surprised that you would consider marriage with him yet at the same time consider breaking up with him. You mentioned this in your original post. That raised some red flags for me. I hope it works out for you but think about whether your relationship is as strong as you think.

Achichem · Aug 3, 2006

Ok Personally, I don't see the big deal about “calling you” either. From my point, you were over reacting, and you only had the right to ask him “next time will he give a time or call you because you were waiting”, not tell him he was in the wrong…I assure you the last thing you want going in to a marriage is your partner assuming things, and that is exactly the precedence your setting when you expect a call by 6:00 without explicitly saying so.

Now as for the second part (I not paying for gas, him not coming to see you) my hope would be that he is just one of those guys afraid of conflict, if so, then I’d say that this is a separate issue (one that is solvable), and is not a good reason for leaving, if however he isn’t afraid of conflict, your best bet would probably be to end it!

My two cents.

mwb · Aug 4, 2006

The issue isn't that he didn't call just to say hi. They made tentative arrangements to do something. He waited an hour & a half to tell her he changed his mind. Even if he didn't call but showed up late, that wouldn't have been so bad. He didn't bother to tell her he changed his mind when he decided not to see her.

Achichem · Aug 4, 2006

mwb said:
The issue isn't that he didn't call just to say hi. They made tentative arrangements to do something. He waited an hour & a half to tell her he changed his mind. Even if he didn't call but showed up late, that wouldn't have been so bad. He didn't bother to tell her he changed his mind when he decided not to see her.

mwb,

So? From my take, he was tired after having a 3 hour appointment and was deciding if he needed to cancel the plans (5:30-6:30), got a frustrated phone message, so he had to think even harder about what he was going to say, and called after all was thought out (I remember a time in my life, I would have done the same thing).

It all just seems very reasonable to me, it is not like 7:00 is two days later. You may view it as disrespectful, and in that regard I understand someone like you or eatenbylocusts telling us so, but I am sorry I honestly don’t see it that way(by default). I mean sure I understand her wondering, but to me that only means a call sometime that night or the next day is needed to explain. I would never assume she was waiting.

SoC · Aug 4, 2006

I would say he's in the wrong. When you make plans with someone then decide to cancel, you should call them and let them know. That's a matter of respect for the other person. If you can't respect them enough not to make them waste their time waiting for you, then don't be in a realtionship.

EBL, I again advise breaking up with this man. Don't settle for someone who does not seem to really love you or care for you as much as a potential husband should. Wait for the man God will bring into your life. He will do it in his timing and it will be infinitely better than trying to force this relationship to work.

I'm sendingyou a PM with another question.

~HopeFloats~ · Aug 4, 2006

I have already posted but...

The call should have happened out of respect and not wanting to look like a dude without intergrity.

this is a single mom with kids who obviously made arrnagements for her kids-- yet she was sitting there waiting-- watsing time when her kids could have had her time.

It is rude and disrespectful-- and shows charater.. anyone who thinks it is ok and makes excuses that shows a lot to..

You deserve better

Princess Pea · Aug 4, 2006

Achichem said:
It all just seems very reasonable to me, it is not like 7:00 is two days later. You may view it as disrespectful, and in that regard I understand someone like you or eatenbylocusts telling us so, but I am sorry I honestly dont see it that way(by default). I mean sure I understand her wondering, but to me that only means a call sometime that night or the next day is needed to explain. I would never assume she was waiting.

You are entitled to your opinion. Have you ever tried this logic in a similar situation with a girlfriend? How did it work for you?

Achichem · Aug 4, 2006

Princess Pea said:
You are entitled to your opinion. Have you ever tried this logic in a similar situation with a girlfriend?

Yes, and it is those similar experiences I am pulling from.

How did it work for you?

It is a common enough thing for me (to make tentative plans and give a delayed call back) that over the years I have had a variety of reactions by different people ranging from a total flip out to people who view it as I do. These days though I am getting much better at avoiding unintentionally offending people by identifying those who might get offended if I come late, call late, treat meetings casually, don’t were a watch, ect. and adapting accordingly, but even then I still only half see why I have to, you little time nazis

(yes that is a joke)!

lunalinda · Aug 4, 2006

It's shameless, disrespectful, and discourteous. He should have called. Plain and simple. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that it's basic human decency to inform the someone you've made plans with what your intentions are, assuming they've changed. And to sit there and wonder why such a thing would be bothersome? GEEZE. Or worse yet, to not even THINK you did anything wrong? COME ON!

Sure, maybe he had his reasons, but why is it JUST ABOUT HIM ANYWAY? Things altered the plans that not just one, but TWO people had made, and the polite thing to do is to inform the other person. That's relationships 101. It's not one, but two people. He should have gotten over himself and thought of the other person for one mesely little minute. Is it forgiveable? Of course, for like the first couple of times. But if something like that becomes habitual, I personally would have no tolerance for it.

And do excuse my feistiness on the matter. I happen to LOATHE when guys don't consider their actions or a girl's feelings. I hate when they say they'll do something, and then not do it, and then not TELL you that they're not doing it, and then not feel bad about not doing it, and then not finding anything wrong with their not doing it, plus refusing to understand why the girl would be bothered by it. I HATE IT!

Tink · Aug 4, 2006

eatenbylocusts, Maybe I'm the only girl that sees it this way, but why was 7:00 such a big deal? That's an hour and a half from when he got out of the appointment. Perhaps he was still thinking about going, and then decided he wasn't at the very last moment. I understand your frustration, but I don't think it's a "deal breaker." HOWEVER, if time is that important to you, you should end it and find someone who is more aware of the time, like you are. This did not flow together the way I thought it would, but hopefully you can still understand it without thinking that I mean any offense.

Love!

mwb · Aug 4, 2006

An hour & a half seems like a long time to decide especially if the reason is the price of gas. I would think a decision based on the price of gas could have been made in about 5 minutes.

eatenbylocusts · Aug 6, 2006

Lunalinda-your angry smiley is killing me lol. SoC- I can't read my PM s right now with all of these technical diffilculties. We went to a relationship seminar today and despite his promise to get to my house on time he was late. We got to the seminar late, but didn't miss too much thanks to not getting a ticket with my speedier than normal driving. It was a worthwhile seminar and I recognized that one of my defenses has been to consider ending a relationship as soon as I get hurt instead of working through it. That's not to say that his behaviour was acceptable, but this was quite a revelation for me. At lunch I asked him if he was being passive aggressive with his tardiness which he denied. He had some trouble in school and the more I learn about him I'm convinced that he has ADD. He believes that is a possibility, but he's not interested in trying medication. It happens to run in my family so I have a bit of experience with it. It's quite amazing that he's actually making it through his Masters program as well as he is. It is one more thing for me to consider since any kids we had would most likely be a poster child for ADHD. Blessed Journey-My kids would've been going with us. If I had paid for a sitter it would've been even worse. We are not committed right now and I would certainly not turn down any acceptable dates at this point, but I think his possible ADD will help me to deal with some of these issues in a different way.

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