Anyone suggesting an ultimatum is severely mistaken with their advice, imo. An ultimatumonly hurts a relationship even further, it does NOT help. You cannot force anyone to go to counselling, you cannot force anyone to do anything. The only person you can make do anything is *yourself*.
Whether your husband wants to go to counselling or not, *you* (the OP) make sure that you get counselling. That may seem unfair, but truly its not, because you as well need support from a trained professional in a situation like this. And since you are the only one you have any control over, you must carry out the actions to keep yourself healthy even if your husband will not do the same thing.
Ultimatums ("do this or we get divorced", "do this to remain married to me") are not the answer, and it shocks me to see such advice here. Ultimatums, regardless of what they concern, are demeaning, insulting, and disrespectful.. to use one is to wage war on your own marriage.
And ontop of it, ultimatums don't even work. People cannot change because they are forced. They must change becauswe they want to change, because they have made the conscious decision to change. If they do not, if they instead make the choice to please someone else, the original behavior WILL return. So in truth, an ultimatum puts everyone in even more danger.. one party will supress themselves for the other, and sometime in the future, that supression will break down.. and the truth will come raging out, possibly in the form of anger and violence beyond anything previously experienced.
Ultimatums are harmful. Don't use them. Discussion of what it will take to heal your marriage is warranted however.. but it must be a *discussion* and not an ultimatum. They are not the same thing. To say "this is what we must do to be healed" and to say "this is what YOU must do to remain married to me" are two very vastly different things.
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