Macrina said:
I wonder if we are talking of different kinds of "relationships." I use the word to refer to a committed, serious type of thing, not just someone you went for coffee with once or twice.
Our shades of meaning aren't quite the same. I'm not arguing with your opinion on the subject as much as trying to make a point while simultaneously trying to hone my own views on the matter (it seems this approach isn't uncommon for INTPs).
How can one tell, from a distance, whether a dating relationship is 'healthy & serious' or not? Is it really all that bad to find out first hand? Does asking make the guy (or girl, depending on the situation) a bad person?
Macrina said:
If I accept a man's invitation to lunch or something, I'm not agreeing to be his girlfriend. We can spend more time together and explore the possibility of a relationship without commitment, but once I get to the point where I call him my "boyfriend," that means I care for him enough that I want to explore the serious possibilities there. Not committed like marriage, but committed in the sense that I want to explore that possibility.
I guess I've seen too many 'serious relationships' that are simply for the sake appearing to have a relationship. How can one really tell the difference at first glance?
Macrina said:
If I am "in a relationship" with someone, it means that I find enough potential there to warrant my serious attention; I would not be interested in dividing my attention with another man while I am trying to build something real with the first guy.
Fair enough. I can understand not wanting to divide one's attention when pursuing a serious relationship with someone... but that's not what I'm suggesting.
Macrina said:
Now if I started developing very serious feelings for someone else while I was in a relationship, that might be a sign that the relationship wasn't going where it should and wasn't going to be viable for the long-term. That could be a factor in helping me realize I needed to break it off, but I wouldn't start a second relationship until I had "completed" the first. I also wouldn't transfer my affections to someone who tried to interrupt a serious relationship -- that's just not the way I'm wired emotionally.
I appreciate your need for closure, not wanting to end serious relationships at the drop of a hat. Personally, when it comes to engagement etc, I have a similar outlook. But how is one supposed to know just how serious the relationship is? Experience tells me that people like to put up facades and/or date just because that's what they think they're supposed to do (as opposed to sharing a strong bond or attraction to the person they're dating). What harm can come of finding out the true nature of the relationship? It's not as though a truly strong, exclusive relationship, perhaps a month or two away from engagement, is going to fail just because of some random person that doesn't know better.
Macrina said:
I think it's fine if people want to date such that they are non-exclusive -- but when it becomes exclusive, that's a decision that the people in the relationship have made, and I would want it respected.
I guess I've seen too many dating 'relationships' turn out to be more about convenience and insecurity, than a mutual desire to pursue a potentially life-long relationship. When such become 'exclusive' there seems to be quite a bit of emotional fornication, or at least a lack of respect for each other. If someone is in a relationship for a other reason than than true mutual interest, then it is probably based on the selfishness of one or both people. I do not see the problem with finding out if this is the case, and if so, pursuing a real relationship with the person you click with (provided they break up with the person they're not into).
Anyway, this is obviously not an ideal situation. I've never pursued anyone that appeared to be in a serious (or even casual) dating relationship. In the past, I avoided it like the plague, but now I'm not so sure. I've been noticing more dating relationships that people may actually want to get out of, but stay in for a variety of reasons.
Contemporary Christian culture tells people to commit from the very beginning (courting),
even when the couple may turn out to have serious and has serious compatibility issues. I don't condone cheating or whatnot, but I do think singles should be honest, feel free to make decisions for themselves, and not be pressured to stick with something that isn't really there to begin with. I also think it's wrong to judge someone for the simple act of finding out if such a relationship is real or not (the first step of pursuit is finding out if someone is actually available).