How awful would it be.....

Hey there,

I also was in a marriage where there was a OW and that person was very dear to me..It is hard to get over that kind of betrayal.

It has taken years for me to get passed that and with having that done to me I had so many other issues like trust and so on.


As for him saying it is in the past-- it is hard to take his word for it when he broke your trust, and innocence in him.

I do think finding a Christian based couselling service in your area and seeking out a Pastor to help you all find the truth in the matter is great.

Usually when a man cheats there are underlying issues and for him to seek help on his own is a good thing.

Getting back together when you are still hurting is not the best thing..you need to overcome that first.

Is there children involved?

I am so sorry this was done to you-- it is the biggest betrayal on so many levels.. if you wanna chat pm me..

to you

To be honest I did have sex with my ex even after we were split it was my way of thinking I was still in his heart.

But do not degrade yourself and allow him to be with you-- HE does not deserrve it.

If you do you are reinforcing his behavioyr.

Your hubby is very sick and needs to be 100% healthy before you even consider going back.

Addiction, cheating ect is a clear sign he is mentally Ill.

Do not allow him to take you down that road--

You deserve the best sweetie and he cannot give that too you right now.

Giving him any of your time right now-- sends him the signal that he allowed to treat you like that.

SET BOUNDRIES

Don't do it!! I have done the very same thing! When your spouse lies and cheats on you it is so degrading!! If you decide to work on reconcilliation - do that work first. Not only does he no longer deserve that intimacy with you without putting the work in - you have to think about the physical implications. You don't know where the OW has been - please follow up with STD testing. When you know your spouse "has gone the same road" with another woman that he has with you it tears you up. You don't want there ever to be an association with the pain you've gone through and the intimacy you may have with him someday. I really wish I had finished counseling and waited until I healed a little before having relations with my spouse again - don't confuse things even more until you can rebuild some trust.

If you are married, then sex is not sin. If you are seperated then you're on a thin line, but not divorced, so still married. The Bible calls this being put away, but not divorced, and it's a funny place to be in.

Why are you tempted to have sex with a man you think is lying to you even now?

I would say it's not what you should be doing. Sex complicates matters and you won't be able to think clearly, which is what you need to be doing.

If you are married to him you should be having sex with him.

Autumnleaf said:

If you are married to him you should be having sex with him.

Click to expand...

He broke the covenant and you are saying she should be having sex?

BlessedJourney said:

He broke the covenant and you are saying she should be having sex?

Click to expand...

Two wrongs don't make a right.

Autumnleaf said:

Two wrongs don't make a right.

Click to expand...

No, they don't. But then again, she would be putting both her physical health, and eventual reconciliation, at risk if she were to jump in the sack with him at this point.

To the OP: Your separation occurred because he was sleeping around with another woman. There are also issues stemming from his addictions, and his lies. Was he injecting his drugs? Sharing needles?

I don't doubt that this is a very painful time for you. You probably have a lot of doubts in your mind, and that's natural when you have been so deeply betrayed.

But sleeping with him is dangerous. There are things like certain strains of HPV, which show no symptoms in males but can cause cervical cancer in women, that you can contract at this point. Unless you have both him and yourself take a battery of STD tests, you don't know what you're exposing yourself to.

The drug and gambling addictions are disturbing, to say the least. Does he remember what he's done while strung out? Who he was with? Is he still in contact with his dealer?

A gambling addiction will also suck you dry if you're working. As long as you are married to him, you will be responsible for half of his debt, regardless of whether you even know about it.

Insist that he get rid of ALL of his addictions (drugs, gambling and sexual) before you'll even think of reconciliation. Until then, it may be wise to file for legal separation and get your name away from the senseless financial damage he's causing. If he's being so foolish with his money, he should be the one to pay for it...Not you.

Physically, protect yourself first and foremost. You weren't the one to sin in the marriage, and you shouldn't have to play roulette with your own health. You shouldn't have to sacrifice yourself until you're sure that your husband is 100% over his addictions, and willing to make his commitment to his wife.

MaraPetra said:

No, they don't. But then again, she would be putting both her physical health, and eventual reconciliation, at risk if she were to jump in the sack with him at this point.

To the OP: Your separation occurred because he was sleeping around with another woman. There are also issues stemming from his addictions, and his lies. Was he injecting his drugs? Sharing needles?

I don't doubt that this is a very painful time for you. You probably have a lot of doubts in your mind, and that's natural when you have been so deeply betrayed.

But sleeping with him is dangerous. There are things like certain strains of HPV, which show no symptoms in males but can cause cervical cancer in women, that you can contract at this point. Unless you have both him and yourself take a battery of STD tests, you don't know what you're exposing yourself to.

The drug and gambling addictions are disturbing, to say the least. Does he remember what he's done while strung out? Who he was with? Is he still in contact with his dealer?

A gambling addiction will also suck you dry if you're working. As long as you are married to him, you will be responsible for half of his debt, regardless of whether you even know about it.

Insist that he get rid of ALL of his addictions (drugs, gambling and sexual) before you'll even think of reconciliation. Until then, it may be wise to file for legal separation and get your name away from the senseless financial damage he's causing. If he's being so foolish with his money, he should be the one to pay for it...Not you.

Physically, protect yourself first and foremost. You weren't the one to sin in the marriage, and you shouldn't have to play roulette with your own health. You shouldn't have to sacrifice yourself until you're sure that your husband is 100% over his addictions, and willing to make his commitment to his wife.

Click to expand...

Amen! Thank you for making sense!!

MaraPetra said:

No, they don't. But then again, she would be putting both her physical health, and eventual reconciliation, at risk if she were to jump in the sack with him at this point.

To the OP: Your separation occurred because he was sleeping around with another woman. There are also issues stemming from his addictions, and his lies. Was he injecting his drugs? Sharing needles?

I don't doubt that this is a very painful time for you. You probably have a lot of doubts in your mind, and that's natural when you have been so deeply betrayed.

But sleeping with him is dangerous. There are things like certain strains of HPV, which show no symptoms in males but can cause cervical cancer in women, that you can contract at this point. Unless you have both him and yourself take a battery of STD tests, you don't know what you're exposing yourself to.

The drug and gambling addictions are disturbing, to say the least. Does he remember what he's done while strung out? Who he was with? Is he still in contact with his dealer?

A gambling addiction will also suck you dry if you're working. As long as you are married to him, you will be responsible for half of his debt, regardless of whether you even know about it.

Insist that he get rid of ALL of his addictions (drugs, gambling and sexual) before you'll even think of reconciliation. Until then, it may be wise to file for legal separation and get your name away from the senseless financial damage he's causing. If he's being so foolish with his money, he should be the one to pay for it...Not you.

Physically, protect yourself first and foremost. You weren't the one to sin in the marriage, and you shouldn't have to play roulette with your own health. You shouldn't have to sacrifice yourself until you're sure that your husband is 100% over his addictions, and willing to make his commitment to his wife.

Click to expand...

From a biblical perspective a wife is not supposed to command her husband around. I don't see how doing this will lead to anything but trouble.

Autumnleaf said:

From a biblical perspective a wife is not supposed to command her husband around. I don't see how doing this will lead to anything but trouble.

Click to expand...

From a Biblical perspective, she has every right to divorce him before he further endangers her health, or harms her. A Biblical marriage works when both spouses are in agreement and in submission to the Lord. When one of the spouses is not in submission to God, you end up on a situation where the wife will almost certainly be abused, and this situation is ripe for abusive potential.

Matt 5:32 states:
32but I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, except for the cause of fornication, causes her to commit adultery; and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced commits adultery.

Which leads to more trouble, AutumnLeaf...The impetus of a husband getting help at the behest of the wife, who has done nothing to harm the marriage?

Or the wife endangering her own health because of the sin of her husband?

Second case in point:

1 TIM 5:8:

8But if any provide not for his own and specially for those of his own house, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever

All I can say is...OUCH, and woe betide the man who does not steward his money wisely. Drugs and gambling are both addictions which suck one's money, and the effects of both will keep a man from supporting his own household...Including his wife. Biblically, she IS considered part of "his own house"...Right?

Now, let's look at drugs for a minute. You and I both know that the sharing of needles can spread diseases such as AIDS/HIV, Hepatitis, and other blood-borne pathogens. Was he sleeping around while on drugs? Does he become violent while on them? Has he hit her in the past?

Sin has consequences...Even forgiven sin. In this case, just because the husband's gotten rid of the OW doesn't mean that his wife is no longer at risk for disease. ANd just because the husband's gotten rid of the OW (which the original poster somewhat doubts), doesn't mean he can't catch something from his drug use.

First off, whatever STD's the OW has, the wife will get through the husband's indescretion. How's that for an adulterer's conscience...Because of HIS sin, an innocent woman can be harmed.

I can tell you the effect of adultery...Mine was in the form of HPV 16, a highly virulent strain which, within 4 years, had turned into moderate squamous dysplasia of the cervix and hyperplasia in the uterus...This delightful hodgepodge of words translates to one word: PRECANCER. My ex did the screwing around...Not me. But I forgave his sin. I contracted HPV through him. I almost became a cancer statistic. So yes, I know what I'm talking about when I tell this woman to safeguard her health. I almost lost mine due to someone else's stupidity and disregard for me as a human being.

But I digress. She's got a situation on her hands where the husband admitted he lied about being a believer, he's done drugs, he's addicted to gambling, and he's fornicated. Where, my friend, is this "Biblical"? Or is this a situation where you feel the woman, innocent as she is, bears the brunt of the burden for bringing the marriage back together?

There has, HAS, to be change in the husband in order for the marriage to be restored. If she doesn't make her "demands" now, she is inviting an admitted unbelieving husband, who's into drugs and gambling, and who's fornicated, and who has admitted that he'll do something about his problems "someday", but not now.

In other words, he's not changing his ways any time in the near future.

Biblically, she has every right to walk away from this marriage. She has chosen to separate instead, and work on her marriage. Sleeping with the husband shouldn't be done, not only because of the health risks at this point, but because the complications of sex will only make the restoration that much harder. Sex brings with it a complexity of emotions which clouds objectivity.

It's almost like you are saying that she is "less" than her husband, and should sleep with him regardless of what vileness he carries from adultery, and regardless of the fact that she can be harmed if he's on drugs.

Of course, some men believe it's "Biblical" that the wife is nothing more than a piece of submissive meat instead of a human being worthy of consideration.

I highly doubt if God, who made woman His final creation, made her to be crushed. Women are His human creation too, my friend.

MaraPetra said:

From a Biblical perspective, she has every right to divorce him before he further endangers her health, or harms her. A Biblical marriage works when both spouses are in agreement and in submission to the Lord. When one of the spouses is not in submission to God, you end up on a situation where the wife will almost certainly be abused, and this situation is ripe for abusive potential.

Matt 5:32 states:
32but I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, except for the cause of fornication, causes her to commit adultery; and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced commits adultery.

Which leads to more trouble, AutumnLeaf...The impetus of a husband getting help at the behest of the wife, who has done nothing to harm the marriage?

Or the wife endangering her own health because of the sin of her husband?

Second case in point:

1 TIM 5:8:

8But if any provide not for his own and specially for those of his own house, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever

All I can say is...OUCH, and woe betide the man who does not steward his money wisely. Drugs and gambling are both addictions which suck one's money, and the effects of both will keep a man from supporting his own household...Including his wife. Biblically, she IS considered part of "his own house"...Right?

Now, let's look at drugs for a minute. You and I both know that the sharing of needles can spread diseases such as AIDS/HIV, Hepatitis, and other blood-borne pathogens. Was he sleeping around while on drugs? Does he become violent while on them? Has he hit her in the past?

Sin has consequences...Even forgiven sin. In this case, just because the husband's gotten rid of the OW doesn't mean that his wife is no longer at risk for disease. ANd just because the husband's gotten rid of the OW (which the original poster somewhat doubts), doesn't mean he can't catch something from his drug use.

First off, whatever STD's the OW has, the wife will get through the husband's indescretion. How's that for an adulterer's conscience...Because of HIS sin, an innocent woman can be harmed.

I can tell you the effect of adultery...Mine was in the form of HPV 16, a highly virulent strain which, within 4 years, had turned into moderate squamous dysplasia of the cervix and hyperplasia in the uterus...This delightful hodgepodge of words translates to one word: PRECANCER. My ex did the screwing around...Not me. But I forgave his sin. I contracted HPV through him. I almost became a cancer statistic. So yes, I know what I'm talking about when I tell this woman to safeguard her health. I almost lost mine due to someone else's stupidity and disregard for me as a human being.

But I digress. She's got a situation on her hands where the husband admitted he lied about being a believer, he's done drugs, he's addicted to gambling, and he's fornicated. Where, my friend, is this "Biblical"? Or is this a situation where you feel the woman, innocent as she is, bears the brunt of the burden for bringing the marriage back together?

There has, HAS, to be change in the husband in order for the marriage to be restored. If she doesn't make her "demands" now, she is inviting an admitted unbelieving husband, who's into drugs and gambling, and who's fornicated, and who has admitted that he'll do something about his problems "someday", but not now.

In other words, he's not changing his ways any time in the near future.

Biblically, she has every right to walk away from this marriage. She has chosen to separate instead, and work on her marriage. Sleeping with the husband shouldn't be done, not only because of the health risks at this point, but because the complications of sex will only make the restoration that much harder. Sex brings with it a complexity of emotions which clouds objectivity.

It's almost like you are saying that she is "less" than her husband, and should sleep with him regardless of what vileness he carries from adultery, and regardless of the fact that she can be harmed if he's on drugs.

Of course, some men believe it's "Biblical" that the wife is nothing more than a piece of submissive meat instead of a human being worthy of consideration.

I highly doubt if God, who made woman His final creation, made her to be crushed. Women are His human creation too, my friend.

Click to expand...

Mara, if it were not for the Bible you would be right. Your first Bible verse defines the nature of where the problem arises. The OP can not put away her wife because she is the wife. As the wife she is under her husbands care and authority regardless of how incompetent he is. The answer is not to fight how God set up marriage to be, but to embrace it and pray for God's will to be done.

MissingHim said:

if I had relations with my dh that I am seperated from? There was an OW involved. He swears it is over, but I can't be sure that is true. I can't stop thinking about this. I see pros and cons of course. On the one hand, we are still married even though seperated. On the other hand, I don't know if I will feel awful about it later. Will it ruin our chances of reconcilitation or help our chances? Anyone do this and have advice for me?

Click to expand...

Missing - I can only tell you what I've found to be true - apply it as you see fit for you - When I found out about my spouses adultery, I was devastated - this was a man who had been my very good friend for years before we married!! But I was determined not to give up - I saw a good Christian counselor - with and without my spouse, I've had my wonderful, compassionate pastor on speed dial, I dove into the Word and searched for every bit of wisdom regarding forgiveness, restoration and God's perspective on adultery. I also continued to have relations with my spouse. Both my pastor and my counselor cautioned against rushing into intimacy, but I WANTED to act like the betrayal never happened, I wanted the comfort of knowing he still desired and loved me. And what I did was compound the wound. You have to work on TRUST and rebuild CONFIDENCE and have COMMITMENT on your spouses behalf before you make yourself physically and emotionally vunerable again. Don't put yourself in a position where you start to associate your grief and frustration with making love to your spouse. I realized that I needed to take a step back, slowed down and reconnect with him on a basic level - baby steps. When I relate to my husband first as the friend and confidante that he was, I appreciate him so much more, I can talk to him without the pain and betrayal screaming in the back of my head. When I tried to pretend it never happened, it inevitably would bubble back up to the surface and erupt. Your husband commited such a sin that scripture gives you a right to divorce him, you don't owe your husband sex when he is still sleeping with other women. If you choose to be intimate with him, you have every right and it is not a sin - that you are still hanging in there shows integrity and commitment on your behalf. Keep praying for insight and wisdom from the Holy Spirit and taking comfort in your Redeemers faithfulness. Remember you are His child and you have worth that even your spouse can't tarnish.

MissingHim said:

Thank you all for your responses!

Mara and tiz, I agree with everything you are saying. I did tell my H that he had to get help for his addictions (snorting cocaine and gambling) first and then we could go to MC together. He understands he cannot come home until all this happens and he gets well.

Basically, the original question was due to the fact that I am lonely! I know, I need to have self control in this matter. I have not given in....yet. I'm not saying I will do it, but I can't honestly say I won't either. If I did however, I would definitely use protection.

Tiz, it sounds like your marriage has been restored. Is that the case? If not, I'm really sorry for assuming so. I was just realizing that if it is, you did give in and all was not lost. Again, that doesn't make it wise for me to do it too, but I'm just curious for the record.

Thanks again ladies! God bless you all!

Click to expand...

I really do understand about the loneliness. In retrospect, I think the very idea of being alone again kept me from bailing on my marriage when everything first blew apart. (My posting is in this section too) I wish I could say I'm out of the muck, but that would be untrue. I really got myself emotionally/mentally mired down. I tried to rush back into a "normal" life with my spouse - basically just played house, mentally suppressed everything when he was around, or tried to anyway. It found it's way out in really unpredictable and uncontrolled ways - bouts of depression, suspicion, despair, low self-esteem. And really intense waves of anger at him. And then massive guilt at my unChristian behavior. He hasn't really helped either, he can't believe I'm not just over it by now, can't see the change in him. Really, the guy tried to tell me last week how he had actually stopped sleeping with this girl, so all of the continued phone calls and sneaking around to hang out with her wasn't actually being unfaithful!(!??!!!!!)That was it for me - I just couldn't do it anymore. I have to step away from it to maintain my sanity, and leave him in his Creators hands. I really do hope that he finds Christ, and that God can change him into the man he says he's going to become... Long story short (very long story - sorry...) I don't think my marriage is going to make it. But please, don't let my failure discourage you from fighting for your marriage - it's always worth it to try for restoration - and I pray that God gives you wisdom and hope during this trying time...