my husband committed adultery

imaniingod · May 14, 2006

tizherself said:
Well, I guess it depends what day/time you catch me. We have had good days, when I am thankful for the second chance to work things out, and alot of the drama has subsided (thank you Lord!), But lately I've just been feeling, I don't know, weary... My husband has been working really hard to restore our marriage, and admittedly, I haven't been easy to deal with. It just seems I'm always on guard - I love him and appreciate his efforts, but I feel like if I ease up, miss something, that he'll be right back at it. He's hurt by this, tells me he doesn't have the drugs clouding his judgement or his sanity anymore (he said I'm free to ask him to test anytime I like) and that he knows he made a horrible mistake and that he loves me and wants to make things right again. At the same time, he says he despairs that I'll ever give him the chance to be a "good guy" again. I do see his point, and believe me, want to believe, but how can I fake it? Or force it? It tires me out to be on the look out all the time, but I feel like I can't relax. He just wants us to be happy again and live a "normal" life (where I don't analyze or question everything he does, or everywhere he goes), I don't know if I can give him that - not yet anyways. I really thought I had more forgiveness in my heart, I want to have it, for both of our sakes, but I feel weak and insecure. I just pray that God will help me find it and that I can let Him work it in me. It occured to me also that I need restoration in my relationship with Jesus lately too. I'm finding myself distracted in my Bible studies, and when I know that I'm nit-picking, I shut out what I know is His Spirit pricking my conscious. I've just been crabby. I am praying to get back my First Love with Him, I've missed it..

In agreement Praying for you......

Let The Father Lead you....
Father I pray that you will give her peace, right now God, let your loving arms wrap around her in a loving and warm embrace, knowing that you can do all things but fail us God, You said that you would never leave us or forsake us, You said that you would be with us until the end, and to cast our burdens upon you because you care for us! We thank you oh Lord for all that you are doing and what you are going to do.... Lord we thank you for your child that is reaching out through Christian Forums to you and Lord if there has been any hurt and pain connected with this forum oh Lord we ask that you would pour out your spirit to heal each one. In your name we pray, amen! Rejoice Sister! He is here for you! God Bless You and Stay on your knees. Take back your relationship with God, Take back your Joy, take back your Peace! God is Good and His Mercy endureth Forever! There is nothing that you can't go to God for.

tizherself · May 15, 2006

Wow, for making guesses you are pretty much right on the mark. When my husband flakes out, I do feel foolish - I actually say it to myself - "When are you going to learn? - What are you doing - Why can't you just get it?" You must've been there before also?...I finally told him this past weekend that he needs to get it together, let me know what's going on. If he isn't willing to pick up the load and work at it - I was going to have to quit trying to carry it by myself. FINALLY he broke down and told me what was bothering him. What he hadn't been telling me was A) the new job he took to remove himself from old associations bombed. - the sales position he was in required alot of networking, schmoozing, business lunches, etc. And he knew that would really hard on me as far as where he was, who he was with.... B) due to this lack of success, he is falling behind on all the bills, including mortgage on the house we're trying to sell - which isn't attracting the attention we'd hoped for
C) he was contacted for his arraignment for the assault and drugs by the D.A. - his hearing is this Friday and he knows he has to plead guilty and throw himself on the mercy of the court. D) Even he doesnt' have to serve time (which he doubts) a felony conviction on his record will mean he'll never be able to coach for his son again and it'll affect other jobs he'll apply for in the future. E) He and I are still on the rocks and really struggling with no guarantees- He's feeling that he is about to lose everything, and says it's even harder to know he brought it all upon himself. I told him that we need to get him into our pastor - because he NEEDS prayer. The look that came across his face was startling - I knew right away that the first thing that came to his mind was " "That's weakness" "How could God possibly get you out of this - or why would he care?" or even "This is real life - I need real help" I really feel that the enemy has a firm stronghold on him right now and is tempting him with destructive thoughts - drugs - running away - or even harming himself. He got in to see our therapist and I'm trying to get him to see our pastor this week. But, please, all of you out there, pray for my husband. He was wrong, and maybe he doesn't have it all together - but he is scared and doesn't even realize how much he needs the Lord and that he is missing out on the One who can truly help him turn it around, the One who can really change his life. I'm trying to put my insecurities aside for right nowand ask for petition for him. He really needs it... :groupray:

tizherself · May 15, 2006

In agreement Praying for you......

Let The Father Lead you....
Father I pray that you will give her peace, right now God, let your loving arms wrap around her in a loving and warm embrace, knowing that you can do all things but fail us God, You said that you would never leave us or forsake us, You said that you would be with us until the end, and to cast our burdens upon you because you care for us! We thank you oh Lord for all that you are doing and what you are going to do.... Lord we thank you for your child that is reaching out through Christian Forums to you and Lord if there has been any hurt and pain connected with this forum oh Lord we ask that you would pour out your spirit to heal each one. In your name we pray, amen! Rejoice Sister! He is here for you! God Bless You and Stay on your knees. Take back your relationship with God, Take back your Joy, take back your Peace! God is Good and His Mercy endureth Forever! There is nothing that you can't go to God for.

Thank you !!!! Believe me, I have never been SO comfortable about being on my knees as now! I have been so blessed thru this site and am grateful that the Lord led me here. I keep all of you in my prayers of thanksgiving...

ManSeekingGodsPeace · May 15, 2006

tizherself said:
Wow, for making guesses you are pretty much right on the mark. You must've been there before also?

TBH, Im not sure if my response to you was because Ive been there before, or there are other (possibly spiritual) factors, but thats about me and for another time. Lets see if we can help you.

tizherself said:
When my husband flakes out, I do feel foolish - I actually say it to myself - "When are you going to learn? - What are you doing - Why can't you just get it?"?

Im glad that you can still recognize that he flakes out. Overtime, the ability to recognize that the spouse is flaking out (i.e. his problem) versus something you can control (i.e. possibly your problem) can get obscured.

tizherself said:
...I finally told him this past weekend that he needs to get it together, let me know what's going on. If he isn't willing to pick up the load and work at it - I was going to have to quit trying to carry it by myself. FINALLY he broke down and told me what was bothering him. What he hadn't been telling me was:

tizherself said:
A) the new job he took to remove himself from old associations bombed. - the sales position he was in required alot of networking, schmoozing, business lunches, etc. And he knew that would really hard on me as far as where he was, who he was with....
B) due to this lack of success, he is falling behind on all the bills, including mortgage on the house we're trying to sell - which isn't attracting the attention we'd hoped for
C) he was contacted for his arraignment for the assault and drugs by the D.A. - his hearing is this Friday and he knows he has to plead guilty and throw himself on the mercy of the court.
D) Even he doesnt' have to serve time (which he doubts) a felony conviction on his record will mean he'll never be able to coach for his son again and it'll affect other jobs he'll apply for in the future.
E) He and I are still on the rocks and really struggling with no guarantees- He's feeling that he is about to lose everything, and says it's even harder to know he brought it all upon himself.

I told him that we need to get him into our pastor - because he NEEDS prayer. The look that came across his face was startling - I knew right away that the first thing that came to his mind was " "That's weakness" "How could God possibly get you out of this - or why would he care?" or even "This is real life - I need real help" I really feel that the enemy has a firm stronghold on him right now and is tempting him with destructive thoughts - drugs - running away - or even harming himself. He got in to see our therapist and I'm trying to get him to see our pastor this week.

Tiz please re-read what Ive quoted with an eye towards you trying to rescue your husband. Everything he told you can be 100% true, and I absolutely empathize with him (being a guy sinner myself, I may even be able to empathize with him in ways that you cant), however, not only can you actually NOT rescue him, trying to do so may be harmful to him and you.

Is there any chance that you can get him to post here on CF? I want to help him if I can.

tizherself said:
But, please, all of you out there, pray for my husband. He was wrong, and maybe he doesn't have it all together - but he is scared and doesn't even realize how much he needs the Lord and that he is missing out on the One who can truly help him turn it around, the One who can really change his life. I'm trying to put my insecurities aside for right nowand ask for petition for him. He really needs it...

God willing, I will pray for him.

Gods blessings

MSGP

deb7648 · May 15, 2006

your in my prayers

tizherself · May 22, 2006

Well, his arraignment was today. He called me to let me know that the D.A. is going after him to the full extent of the law - anywhere from 3 months to 3 years. They just sniffed at the letter from his therapist stating that he has been seeking treatment. He pled guilty to all charges and basically threw himself on the mercy of the court. He is scared to death. My feelings about the chances of our marriage surviving the affair and the drugs are still unsettled, but I can't help but feel frightened for him too. I know it's not in my hands, and that the law is the law, but I pray for mercy for him. He is definately paying for his mistakes - he stands to lose everything and despite everything, my heart goes out to him...

Romanseight2005 · May 22, 2006

tizherself said:
Well, his arraignment was today. He called me to let me know that the D.A. is going after him to the full extent of the law - anywhere from 3 months to 3 years. They just sniffed at the letter from his therapist stating that he has been seeking treatment. He pled guilty to all charges and basically threw himself on the mercy of the court. He is scared to death. My feelings about the chances of our marriage surviving the affair and the drugs are still unsettled, but I can't help but feel frightened for him too. I know it's not in my hands, and that the law is the law, but I pray for mercy for him. He is definately paying for his mistakes - he stands to lose everything and despite everything, my heart goes out to him...

You are in my prayers.

tizherself · May 24, 2006

Thank you all, in earnest, for the prayers and support that I've been able to lean on. It really has given me so much comfort. I found another phone bill, hidden in his briefcase, one from February. Her number and that of her roommate was on it, both incoming and outgoing. There were times he was on the phone with her, and I called in and as soon as he hung up, he called her right back. He says the outgoing calls were from when she would block her ID and he would call back, not knowing who she was. The lengthy calls he says were her roommate/best friend calling him on her cell phone. He says he "stumbled" but nothing ever went on beyond the phone call and that if I looked at the bills since, that he hadn't called her since then. But all this was just a week after he SWORE before God to me that he would have NOTHING to do with her again. Even called her right in front of me to tell her so.. How can I believe him? The phone number is right there on the bill - why should I trust him when he tries to explain it? He said they wanted to find drugs from him, and then that the roommates parents wanted to buy a car from him!??! He says he was wrong and has "been good" ever since and why can't I see that? "Why am I throwing away all the good changes" he's made since. I'm just not that strong - I don't want to leave him alone through everything he is going through with jail, but I don't think I can trust him. I want to have compassion on him, I don't want to abandon him, but I don't want to be a fool...

Romanseight2005 · May 24, 2006

You are right not to trust him. He has not given you any reason to. You can forgive him, but trust has to be earned. Until he is truly repentant,(you will know by how he reacts to the situation, consistently over time) you can only put your trust in God. You can spend time praying for your husband, this will help you to draw near to God, and keep a Godly attitude toward him. Also, you will gain some clarity as you do this. Just understanding that you are not irrationally insecure for not trusting him, can help you. I am so sorry for your pain. Here is a grat big hug. Go ahaed and let the tears fall.

tizherself · Jun 3, 2006

I'm afraid that I'm just a step away from leaving. I've tried it a couple of times lately, but he begs me to stay. I just think that I've really failed at this test. I can't get past the images of what he's done (I made him give me some of the details - not wise, I know) The time on the phone with her in our own home, the sappy text messages, the sexy photos, the phone video of her giving him a lap dance, the time he left me at his friends house (who I barely knew) all night so he could talk with her on the phone, him leaving the Christmas Eve service at our church, sending me home to make dinner and going to her place until 11pm, the phone calls to her on OUR anniversary. I can't get past it - I'm stuck. Now I have a problem with tachycardia (rapid heartbeat), I'm told I need to cut back the stress. I've harbored hateful, vengeful, violent thoughts and feelings. And I get to hear him whine about why I won't make love, or dance with him, he just wants his wife back - he kicked his wife to the curb the first time he walked through that womans (or girl - she was only 22!) door!! I see that I'm turning into a bitter, spiteful person - I'm just not up to this - I just can't seem to put it behind me. I thought I was stronger. I feel like a schizo and I'm not even sane enough to make/stand by the decision to stay or go.

Romanseight2005 · Jun 3, 2006

I am so sorry. Of course you are hurt, and can't trust him. You shouldn't trust him. How is he doing with the drugs? It will be a long time after the drugs leave his system, and then only if he draws near to God, gets into His Word, and gets help from sane people,( Meaning people that have a close relationship with God, and have experience counseling drug addicts) before he will be able to think clearly. His behavior is so much deeper than just the affair, even though that is probably the most hurtful for you. No one can tell you what to do, except to draw near to God, and get your strength from Him. Being away from your husband for awhile might not be a bad idea, simply because he is playing with your mind, and he probably doesn't even realize it. I leave you with this prayer...
Lord,
I pray that you would surround and fill your beautiful daughter with your peace. Give her strength, and discernment. Direct her steps, and help her to clearly see the path you have laid out for her. I also pray for her husband, that he would come to complete repentance, so that you can begin restoring his heart to you. I ask these things in Jesus Christ's Name, Amen.

tizherself · Jun 30, 2006

Is it really possible to really forgive someone while choosing not to continue a relationship with them?

I really do want to forgive my husband, I don't hate him, and I do have compassion for him and the consequences he is paying for his actions (both legally and personally). But his ideas of right and wrong are SO far off from mine (it took me 6 months to convince him that continuing a "friendship" and correspondance with the woman he cheated with was still WRONG and being UNFAITHFUL - what adult, married person just doesn't get that?!?) Our moral beleifs just aren't compatible at all. I care greatly for him and love him still, but I DON'T trust him and don't think I'll ever feel secure or whole with him again. I want to be there for him if he needs me, but I don't want to be married to him anymore. When I start to get too close or intimate with him, all the hurt and betrayal bubbles it's way back to the surface. When we just chat about everyday things like home, work or the kids, everything is fine. I just react poorly when he pushes me.... I really feel that I can recover from this, be a good person, maybe even get comfortable around him again someday. But I don't want to rely on him.

Autumnleaf · Jun 30, 2006

tizherself said:
Is it really possible to really forgive someone while choosing not to continue a relationship with them?

If you are asking if you can divorce your husband and be on good terms with him while calling that forgiveness I don't think you can. You and your husband are one. As one, everything you do affects the other. Divorcing your spouse while he's having problems would be like killing a baby because it has asthma. The asthma is gone but so is the baby. Your marriage is a covenant between you, your husband, and God. The answer to trouble with your marriage is not to kill it. Use your faith in God. Trust your husband and marriage to God. Quitting is easy and requires little faith in anything to do.

tizherself · Jun 30, 2006

Autumnleaf said:
If you are asking if you can divorce your husband and be on good terms with him while calling that forgiveness I don't think you can. You and your husband are one. As one, everything you do affects the other. Divorcing your spouse while he's having problems would be like killing a baby because it has asthma. The asthma is gone but so is the baby. Your marriage is a covenant between you, your husband, and God. The answer to trouble with your marriage is not to kill it. Use your faith in God. Trust your husband and marriage to God. Quitting is easy and requires little faith in anything to do.

H-m-m-m, divorcing a husband who has lied to her, beat her and committed adultery (under which divorce is scripturally allowed) and continues to try to find a loop hole to condone this behavior, and killing a baby..... nope, can't buy the comparison.

Autumnleaf · Jun 30, 2006

tizherself said:
H-m-m-m, divorcing a husband who has lied to her, beat her and committed adultery (under which divorce is scripturally allowed) and continues to try to find a loop hole to condone this behavior, and killing a baby..... nope, can't buy the comparison.

Wives are not scripturally allowed to divorce their husbands according to what Jesus had to say about it. These days what Jesus said doesn't seem to matter much concerning divorce.

tizherself · Jun 30, 2006

Autumnleaf said:
Wives are not scripturally allowed to divorce their husbands according to what Jesus had to say about it. These days what Jesus said doesn't seem to matter much concerning divorce.

Thank you for your input

Autumnleaf · Jul 1, 2006

tizherself said:
Thank you for your input

You are welcome.

Romanseight2005 · Jul 2, 2006

Autumnleaf said:
Wives are not scripturally allowed to divorce their husbands according to what Jesus had to say about it. These days what Jesus said doesn't seem to matter much concerning divorce.

Excuse me?

Matt 19:9
9 And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery : and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery .
KJV

Scripture clearly gives adultery as a reason for divorce. Scripture also clearly shows that a man can commit adultery against his wife, even though many deny this.

Mark 10:11
11 And he saith unto them, Whosoever shall put away his wife, and marry another, committeth adultery against her.
KJV

Autumnleaf · Jul 3, 2006

Romanseight2005 said:
Excuse me?

Matt 19:9
9 And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery : and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery .
KJV

Scripture clearly gives adultery as a reason for divorce. Scripture also clearly shows that a man can commit adultery against his wife, even though many deny this.

Mark 10:11
11 And he saith unto them, Whosoever shall put away his wife, and marry another, committeth adultery against her.
KJV

Your first quote addresses your concern. I feel deja vu. :scratch:

Romanseight2005 · Jul 4, 2006

No it doesn't. What if one or the other commits fornication? Then permission for divorce is given. I don't see the words, only for the man in this passage. There are those who believe that a man can't commit adultery against his wife. Which would be the only way for your perspective to hold water in this instance. However, I just showed you scripture proving that a man can commit adultery gainst his wife. So if there is a provision given for divorce in the case of adultery, why would the woman not have that right?

my husband committed adultery

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