need help or advise of winning the heart and trust back from my wife.

fireun8 said:

Hello thanks for taking the time of viewing my post. First off i need prayers and advise here. Me and my wife of 10 years are now sepperated. We have been seperated for 3 weeks now. She got tired of my anger problem, sexual addiction(inappropriate content,chat rooms) and just the way i mistreated her and was somewhat controling. We have both started counciling, i have started for my problems and we have started marriage counciling as well. I have recently got saved and made christ my personal savior. She keeps telling me that i have hurt her so much over the years it is way past hope for saving our marriage. I on the other hand think that with god/prayers and counciling i can change for the better person to give to her and the kids. But it will take time. So I have to ask if anyone has any advise for me and how i can change what her heart feels and build back our trust in each other. thank you.

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From a woman's perspective...

Do nothing to try and change her mind. Don't talk about a reconciliation. Don't suggest it. Leave her alone. You may demonstrate your change by being kind, considerate, and most of all patient. Next...Pray for her. Pray for your marriage. Pray for the reconciliation. Put it all in God's hands. The more you pray for your wife, the more God will change YOU!!! YOU will become the husband she needs and the father your kids need. You will not have to announce this, demonstrate this. You do not have to give her a running tally of how many days, weeks, months, etc. you have been able to abstain. If you do, she will see it as pressure. Just tell her you love her and be good to her from a distance. No huge demonstrations that will embarrass or pressure her. If she returns, let it be by her choice. She did not make this mess. Let her have the freedom to be comfortable in being able to trust you again. Let her have no doubts about reentering the marriage. I promise you. God will work this out for the both of you, but you must be patient. You did not break the marriage overnight, and you will not fix it overnight.

Lisa

I agree with lisa. This is not an issue that is going to react well with you hovering over your wife. You need to stand back, has hard as it may be, and love her and show your children affection from a distance. by distance i mean, dont pressure her or your kids. your kids arent blind. once you show their mom how much you love her with your actions, instead of words, they'll grow to love you more than you ever thought possible. This isnt going to happen in an instant im sure you know that. just be patient, and dont pray for patience. pray for your marriage, kids, your self and your wife. They are all different subjects completely.

Bravo, Lisa!!! That is EXACTLY what he must do.

Fireun8, you wrote ..

how i can change what her heart feels and build back our trust in each other

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.

.. the answer is, you can't .. only the Lord can heal her heart. And as far as the trust factor goes, that WILL take time. People make the mistake of trusting each other without trusting the Lord FIRST for their marriage. There was a union of 3 spirits, not just 2. Just give God the reins, and allow Him to heal you both.

God bless you both!

Just as you are healing from this, so must she. The best thing you can do is pray for her. I also would recomend the book Every Heart Restored. It is for women, but will give you much insight. If would be good for her to read it also.

fireun8 said:

romanseight2005 i was wondering i know i shouldnt go out an buy this book for her but maybe a friend or ours could do you think it will help her understand what she is going through by reading this book. i just finished hope for the seperated by chapman it was a excelent book i must say.

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Well, I agree that if you give her a book on healing like this, it might send a message of "Hurry up and heal, already!".

However, this or something similar would not be a bad idea. Small gestures, nothing extravagant, nothing she feels that she would "owe you" for, nothing terribly romantic, but some small, very thoughtful present might be a nice way to let her know that you still love her.

Other ideas, Ladies? If this were your husband, what non-pressuring, sweet gesture would you accept and make you start thinking about forgiving him?

Lisa

All of the above is good advice.

There's more things you can do - ie if she brings up the topic of your past choices - do not minimize them and say things like, "Well it's not like I was with a real person" because to her it's the same.

You must offer up complete transperancy - meaning, hide nothing if she asks. She may be aware of something you've done and you need to be honest with her about it. If you deny or lie thinking that she's setting you up to tell the truth - it will only confirm the worst she thinks of you.

inappropriate content addiction is utterly devestating to a woman, trust me I know. My h. still doesn't "get" what he's done. He still minimizes and pushes away my feelings about it. To me, if he were in touch with how horrible this was he would strive to remain sexually pure and he has not.

You should read Every Man's Battle - it's a GOOD book - it won't necessarily help you with your marriage as it's more about you, your relatinship with God, and being sexually pure. It's not a militant in your face "you screwed up" kind of book, but rather it's a gentle breeze - look at this look at that and gives you a very good chance of healing from this issue in your life.

I've been recommended another book that I have not yet read, it's called False Intimacy - I can return once I have read the book and tell you if it's any good.

fireun8 said:

romanseight2005 i was wondering i know i shouldnt go out an buy this book for her but maybe a friend or ours could do you think it will help her understand what she is going through by reading this book. i just finished hope for the seperated by chapman it was a excelent book i must say.

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I agree, getting a friend to give it to her my be a good idea. Pray about it, God's timing will be perfect.

Another reason Every Heart Restored would be a good book for her is that Fred Stoeker(one of the author's) also had a bad anger problem, besides the lust.

Ask all of your friends and pastor in church to pray for healing of your marriage. If anyone can heal marriages, God can. Don't lose hope. Keep working at healing yourself and watch God work his miracle. God bless you.

fireun8 said:

Hello thanks for taking the time of viewing my post. First off i need prayers and advise here. Me and my wife of 10 years are now sepperated. We have been seperated for 3 weeks now. She got tired of my anger problem, sexual addiction(inappropriate content,chat rooms) and just the way i mistreated her and was somewhat controling. We have both started counciling, i have started for my problems and we have started marriage counciling as well. I have recently got saved and made christ my personal savior. She keeps telling me that i have hurt her so much over the years it is way past hope for saving our marriage. I on the other hand think that with god/prayers and counciling i can change for the better person to give to her and the kids. But it will take time. So I have to ask if anyone has any advise for me and how i can change what her heart feels and build back our trust in each other. thank you.

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My husband struggles with inappropriate content and anger too. The best things he can do for me are be totally honest about any sins, have a repentant heart, spend time with God daily and share with me what he's learning, show me action steps he's taking to get these sins in line (read books, online courses, seeking the Bible, get an internet filter to help with inappropriate content, get an accountability partner, etc.) One thing he's been doing lately that is helping me heal so much and encouraging me to trust in him again is talking to me daily about how he's doing and what God is doing in his life. I've had a much easier time forgiving an honest and repentant heart. It makes the pain of the other issues much more bearable. Praying for you.

fireun8 said:

Hello thanks for taking the time of viewing my post. First off i need prayers and advise here. Me and my wife of 10 years are now sepperated. We have been seperated for 3 weeks now. She got tired of my anger problem, sexual addiction(inappropriate content,chat rooms) and just the way i mistreated her and was somewhat controling. We have both started counciling, i have started for my problems and we have started marriage counciling as well. I have recently got saved and made christ my personal savior. She keeps telling me that i have hurt her so much over the years it is way past hope for saving our marriage. I on the other hand think that with god/prayers and counciling i can change for the better person to give to her and the kids. But it will take time. So I have to ask if anyone has any advise for me and how i can change what her heart feels and build back our trust in each other. thank you.

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Is she a Christian?

telling her she should read a book could be taken the wrong way by her.

I agree with all of the great advice here. You CANNOT change her heart. You CAN pray for her! You need to pray for her, you need to pray for yourself, you need to pray for your marriage. All of this advice is correct.

But another thing, you need to focus on you!! If you want her to come back.. you need to use this time you have while she is gone.. to focus on what YOU need to change about yourself! You can never change someone else. But, you can change yourself. IF you are admitting to having this terrible anger problem and inappropriate content addiction.. then I would suggest that maybe you should seek some counseling. Talk to your pastor... if he won't counsel, then he can probably recommend someone. You need to take care of your own problems and issues. Once you have taken care of this and your own relationship with God is stronger.. then your marriage will grow and strengthen from it.

When trust is broken, it does take time to build that trust back again. Focus on you, give her the space that she needs, pray, give the situation to God, then work on you!

I am praying for you!!

God Bless!
Heather

You admit to being a controling man. When you are seperated from your wife you become a christian. Why should she trust you?

For where a man's heart is there is his treasure. Sounds like your wife has not been a treasure to you for a very long time.

You end your first post with these words, "...how can I change what her heart feels and build back our trust in each other?" That sure does not convince me that you have got past control or that you have even fully come to grip with how badly you have hurt your wife. I would have been more comfortable if you had asked, "How can I change my heart and build back her trust in me?"

True repentance makes no demands. It accepts responsibility for its actions and asks for forgiveness. Whether forgiven or not the truly repenent stops its wrong against the other.

How long do you think you should have to wait to be forgiven? I know a man who cheated on his wife. He repented. For years whenever they got into a big argument that was brought up. Not one time did he defend himself. Every time he admitted his wrong and apologized for hurting her. About ten years later he was working on a project with a co-worker and to finish it on time it became necessary that they meet somewhere. Of course the co-worker was an attractive female. His wife suggested they finish at home. He asked if she was sure that would be okay and she told him yes that she trusted him.

Repentance does not demand forgiveness nor does it have a timetable. Your wife has no earthly reason to forgive you. If she comes to a place of forgiveness it will be a work of GOD not you. How long her healing takes depends on how badly she was injured. Watch the calender not a stopwatch.

And when you are faced with your sin against her don't try to explain it away, excuse it, or whitewash it. All that does is re-open the wound. When you come to the place of anguish over what you have done instead of anger over what she is or is not doing you will then be in a place where she may be able to include you in her healing.

As a new christian I would suggest for now setting aside all the books with advice on how to get what you want and focus on the Gospels. Read about the life of Jesus. Study His life. See how love lives and acts. Watch how it protects and lays down its life.

And to get an idea how inappropriate content affects a marriage...



"Innocent" inappropriate content

Secret fantasies, forbidden fruit
Dangerous seeds are taking root

Pleasant to the eyes, poison to the soul
Weeds and thorns are beginning to grow

"Victimless" lust, "harmless" sin
Persuasive words for many men

Selfish personal gratification
Spiritual, marital desecration

In the midst of the garden a tree of life
Nearby a lovely flower called a wife

But the flower struggles among the weeds
Of a man who does not account for his deeds

Thorns prick and pierce flower's tenderness
What a man does is his own business

Captivated by pretend ignoring the real
Not understanding what the flower may feel

Placing blame but avoiding responsibility
Man continues to lose his credibility

Sin seperates as it always does
Unable to revive what once was

With trust destroyed intimacy is lost
Was it really worth the cost

Man watched and paid for just one hour
The serpent slithers over a fallen flower

What harm can there be in just one taste
The beautiful garden lies in waste


.....peace.....


Thru desire, a man having seperated himself. seeketh and intermeddleth with all wisdom. That's in Proverbs.

If your desire is to be a man of GOD seperate yourself from the things that keep that from happening. Filter your internet or get rid of your computer. Get rid of any physical inappropriate content in your home.

Transgression. When Cain was angry with GOD he killed Abel. Transferred agression. Often when a spouse is angry at themself the other spouse gets it. Deal with the issues in your heart and the anger will diminish.

You have given Christ your heart. Now give Him your life. Again, read thru the Gospels and you will discover for yourself what you need to do.

Even if you fully do everything in accordance with the will of GOD there is no guarantee that you will get the results you desire. But I feel reasonably sure in telling you that if you do not fully give your heart and mind to Christ you have no chance at all.

At this point it's pretty much out of your hands. That's a good thing.


.....peace.....

My story is very similar to yours, except for the addiction and I have been a saved for a long time, though my actions toward my wife haven't demonstrated it. We are both in counseling, and I have rediscovered my walk with God.

However, as much as I pray and believe, my old earthly fears still visit on a daily basis. She hasn't left yet, but I feel it is inevitable. Every email or phone call I get sends me into a panic. (case in point: the phone just NOW rang and it was my wife - she was letting me know she would be late getting home because of bad weather. My heart is still pounding).

When we are in the same room, I feel her coldness. Constant prayer, by myself, in these forums, and with partners on a daily basis is building me up. But Satan still strikes fear and doubt in my heart.

Heed the general consensus of the women here. Give her space if she needs it, encouragement when you can, but mostly uplift her in your prayers. Also for yourself, READ - READ - READ all the materials you can. Of course read your Bible, but there are many wonderful authors out there who can help you, us, learn how to strengthen our relationships. I feel for you my brother, and I will pray for you on a daily basis.

God can do this from His resource but from your resources you can't. Efforts to do so will only aggravate the problem.
You can ask your wife for a sufficient length of time for her to observe changes God makes in your life but it is her decision. You can only remove the bricks you put in the wall of separation but you cannot remove hers. You cannot make these changes in yourself from your resources. You can build on the intimacy of your relationship with Jesus Christ through prayer and Bible Study and allow God to make those changes. Seek not your own desires but God's desires through all of this. keep going to Christian Counseling. I will pray for God to work in both of your lives. wtopneuma

I have been thru my church's men group during my separtion then divoce care after divorce. Your story is way too common. My wife left because she said I hurt her too much and I was too angry. What I have found out is that anger is a secondary emotion. In my case the anger was triggered by my frustration with my wives ridgedness and lack of respect for me (women this is issue number 1 for guys).

I don't think most women understand the hurt they cause us. And the hurt they receive from us in return. Most women expect men to be sensative to them and their issues but have little respect for our own sensative nature. Yes we caused our wives hurt, but what I have rarely heard even in christian circles is the incredible hurt wives inflict on men. The differnce is we aren't as in touch with our feelings so we don't realize it.

I wish I could offer you a hopefull way to win your wive's heart back. But, from the many guys and my experinece I would say she has probably already made up her mind and has closed off her heart. Women seem quick to get into relationships but equally quick to close their hearts when hurt. If she's like my 'X', change is not applicable. She simply wont to forgive you. No matter how much you change. In a lot of marriages women keep lists of hurt going back years. Marriage takes love and grace. It sounds like your wife is not willing to do either. Only with God's help would she be willing to change.

We unfortunately have received a rude wake up call that we need to change. We certainly can do nothing about our wives. I hope you will try to find some christian councling to heal your hurt. And of course read the bible for all its worth and don't take your eye's off Christ.

I cannot believe how much these post here mirror what I experienced with my own husband. It's amazing how we don't miss our good thing until it's almost gone. Please don't be a Bugaboo. Give her space. She is trying digest it all. Remember, it was your own selfishness that caused this mess. I noticed there was a post about women who hurt men and how we leave so easily. Not true. Women will stay through years of hurt and abuse. This is rarely seen in men. Men will give up a good woman for one who appears to look better or gives him a bat of her eyelashes. Be prepared to practice patience. It has taken years for us to work on this issue with my husband's problem with inappropriate content. First, he wouldn't admit it, then when he did, he said, it wasn't a big deal, and third, he wanted to brush it under the carpet. I tried to be a good Christian wife, but I was in denial about what his sin did in me. Please pray, and allow God to finish cleanse you regardless of whether or not she stays. It truly is up to her now. God will not force her to stay. Still be a good father to your kids because they are truly innocent and need you so much. May God Bless you.