Hello this is my first post on here. Well her is my story. I'm 29 y/o now seperated and possible well more than likely on the way to divorce. we have been married for 91/2 yrs. We have 3 wonderful kids togeather son in 8 and twin gurls that are now 4. I hav some sexual addictions and also have cheated on my wife in the past and she just found out when i told her at the time of seperation. I also have anger, geolous, and control problems with me toward my family. WE have just started going to a christian based counciling but she is saying she isnt in love with me anymore and i had to many chances already and there is no hope in her eyes. Myself on the other hand thinks that she is so hurt buy everything I have caused her she dont want to even see it if there is hope. She is willing to goto counciling because she promised me she would. But i dont think she is going into it with a open mind or wanting to fix the marriage. I cant stop driving past my house and having to know where she is at all times. I need advise, help and prayers. I have also been saved since the seperation so i do know god as my savior. thank you.
Desperate need of advise and prayers!!!
- Thread starter fireun8
- Start date
fireun8 said:
If you get a girlfriend she might get interested in saving the marriage. Don't ask me how or why it seems to work that way.
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madison1101
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Totally wrong advice. If you are married, to get a girlfriend would be to commit adultery again. Wrong all around.Autumnleaf said:
My suggestion is to wait on the Lord and pray. Stop stalking her. Put your faith in the Lord. She needs to heal, and only God can do that. Show her how the Lord is working in your life. Read Galatians 5 to learn the Fruit of the Spirit, and pray that the Holy Spirit starts to work in your life so that you exhibit it in front of her. She needs to see the changes God can make in you.
Getting a girlfriend is a manipulative ploy that will only hurt her more.
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fireun8 said:
Hi fireun8:
I have a few quick thoughts for now.
1) You CAN stop driving past your house and having to know where your wife is all the time.
2) With you having adultery, sexual addictions, anger, jealousy and control issues, expecting your wife to have what you consider to be an open mind is (besides controlling) completely unreasonable IMO. You may want to focus more on thanking her for attending counseling with you at all.
3) You need to get yourself into individual counseling. You won't be able to fix your relationship problems until you've gone a long way on fixing your own/individual problems.
God's blessings
MSGP
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Just to answer some of your post. First of all I do not want a girlfriend. All I want is my wife and kids to be a family under the same room, not another female. The second I was told to show my christ like actions and how I am since finding the lord and asking for him as a personal savior. what can I do to show how much it means to me so maybe it will rub off on her. And third I have not been by the house for almost 48 hrs now I now that sounds petty. But hey I am proud of myself saying that i would normally drive by from 3-4 times a day. I think that is a good improvement and a start. Also i am in counciling for my problems. But you say i should be thankful she is going to counciling. But if she is not wanting anything out of it or going in with a open type mind i feel she is just doing it to please me as she has done for the last 10 years. I want her to go because she wants too. And to go and not push any thoughts of fixing the marriage away. But thank you everyone for your input.
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I sounds like you are making progress and taking steps in the right direction. Keep it up!
I understand what you want - your wife willingly coming to counseling, open minded about the marriage etc. You aren't going to get that. Quit looking for it.
I'm sure your wife wanted a husband who did not stray and who did not try and control her, and she did not get that. No one always gets what they want.
But her heart can change. It took years for her heart to get where it is today, but God can still change her heart. Stop talking to her about it and talk to God about it. Even after a divorce, should there be one. I know several couples who divorced and who are now happily married. For now, focus on what you can do.
I understand what you want - your wife willingly coming to counseling, open minded about the marriage etc. You aren't going to get that. Quit looking for it.
I'm sure your wife wanted a husband who did not stray and who did not try and control her, and she did not get that. No one always gets what they want.
But her heart can change. It took years for her heart to get where it is today, but God can still change her heart. Stop talking to her about it and talk to God about it. Even after a divorce, should there be one. I know several couples who divorced and who are now happily married. For now, focus on what you can do.
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bliz said:
Thanks bliz for the support. i need alot of support to say the least. But i also totaly agree with you as far as the heart can change. Thats what i keep saying becuase i know through god all things are possible. Also i still believe she can say she is not in love with me till she is red in the face but even if there was some love she is to hurt and knumb from the stuff i have done over the years to see that love or maybe she dont want to see that love because of the hurt. And just like a co-worker told me yesterday she just went throught this same thing last year with her spouse playing my role. But he wouldnt admit to his faults nor would seek counciling. But she said " I know its been 3 weeks and feels like forever, but it is going to be a long curvy road to travel down and you are going to have to be willing to sit back and let things take place over time if she allows it. Not to rush things because it didnt happen in a couple weeks it has happened over 10 plus years. I told my wife today that i know its not right to stay togeather just for the kids, but i told her that i think with gods help i can fix my problems and give our family a rich and growning family with time. So if you guys can keep praying for me and keep giving me advise and support i would greatly appreciate it. thank you.
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Try and see this from her perspective...
You come to your senses and now you want a rich and growing family. You had that and you threw it away! She hung in there for 10+ years, and now you want her to hang in some more while you continue to get your act together? You want her to hang around while you prove that your change is real, when even you don't know if it is yet.
She may just be going through the motions at this point, and in doing that she is giving you a great deal!
Don't focus on what you want - focus on God and on her.
You come to your senses and now you want a rich and growing family. You had that and you threw it away! She hung in there for 10+ years, and now you want her to hang in some more while you continue to get your act together? You want her to hang around while you prove that your change is real, when even you don't know if it is yet.
She may just be going through the motions at this point, and in doing that she is giving you a great deal!
Don't focus on what you want - focus on God and on her.
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bliz said:
I agree, though think of it in slightly different terms - learn to want what God wants.
God's blessings
MSGP
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I am divorced due to my ex cheating and many other things and my only thought would be is.. instead of trying to force something happening, seek out help for yourself and your addictions and how to better communicate your needs and better yourself for a good life.
Making time for God is a great thing too,Allow Him to work in you
Words are nothing when the trust is gone, actions and change is everything.
God heals and redeems.
God Bless
Making time for God is a great thing too,Allow Him to work in you
Words are nothing when the trust is gone, actions and change is everything.
God heals and redeems.
God Bless
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BlessedJourney said:unbelievable
It sure is. Why a wife would be more attracted to a man who has seemingly gotten over her and moved on, rather than man who pridelessly begs her to take him back is unbelievable.
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Pray for control over yourself and stoicism to be able to accept the situation with grace. Even if it does not go how you would like. In a way this is a test of your faith and your morals. It is easy to say you are walking the true path but this is one of those times in your life where you are going to have to prove it, possibly by showing how you can be a good person even in a very difficult time where you may lose your marriage.
Do not get a girlfriend as that would be manipulative and extremely disrespectful of yourself, your wife, and the person you are using.
Do not drive by your wife's house or attempt to keep tabs on her. Doing this is treating your wife like an object and not a human being. You need to be able to accept that when the smoke clears you may be divorced. In order to walk the correct path you are going to have to accept that you are not in control of your wife and you are not in control of this situation. If your wife wants space, give it to her. If you two do end up in counseling together then don't force anything. If you love your wife selflessly then let her go if she asks. Try to be the best person you can be.
In the meantime go to individual counseling about your sexual problems and the difficulty you are having with this situation. Again, even if you do not get exactly what you want these are obstacles you want to get past in order to become a better person.
I will pray that you are granted wisdom and insight.
Do not get a girlfriend as that would be manipulative and extremely disrespectful of yourself, your wife, and the person you are using.
Do not drive by your wife's house or attempt to keep tabs on her. Doing this is treating your wife like an object and not a human being. You need to be able to accept that when the smoke clears you may be divorced. In order to walk the correct path you are going to have to accept that you are not in control of your wife and you are not in control of this situation. If your wife wants space, give it to her. If you two do end up in counseling together then don't force anything. If you love your wife selflessly then let her go if she asks. Try to be the best person you can be.
In the meantime go to individual counseling about your sexual problems and the difficulty you are having with this situation. Again, even if you do not get exactly what you want these are obstacles you want to get past in order to become a better person.
I will pray that you are granted wisdom and insight.
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